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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at DP re. our finances and his week away?

129 replies

Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:14

DP & I have been together almost 2 years. A couple of weeks ago he moved in with me in the house I own, which has been a real big deal for both of us; for him because he has never lived with anyone before and for me because of trust issues caused by a cocklodging ex who didn't pay his way. I was adamant that I wanted an equal 50/50 relationship this time around in terms of finances and he was adamant that he would never take the piss with money.

This month has turned out to be an expensive month with various family commitments and buying new furniture to accommodate his belongings, etc, so we've already exceeded our 'food and household' budget for the month, with 18 days to go until payday. We earn a similar salary, the only difference being that I have access to credit and he doesn't, so it looks like it will fall on my shoulders to subsidize the budget. He was keen to stress that as soon as he got paid he would immediately pay me back half the overspend and while I don't doubt he will, it seems likely he'll be back in exactly the same situation running out of money before the subsequent payday because March also has several sizable financial commitments that we can't ignore.

Both of us love spending time with friends (many of them mutual friends), but recently I have turned down many nights out and things that would cost a lot of money because my priority is our home life. Today DP comes home from work and announces that at half term - when I'd really been looking forward to spending some time with him - he's going to go and stay with one of his friends for the week. This friend lives a 600 mile round trip away, so god knows how much petrol money that is, plus this friend is what his sister and several of our friends refer to as a 'force nine disaster zone'. He's the same age as us (33), yet he lives in a grotty shared house with his two band mates who do nothing except get wasted every night and sleep all day. I know exactly what his week away will entail - getting off his faces and spending a fortune on drink and drugs. Apparently this friend is in a bad way because all he wants is "someone to settle down with and a place to call home" (ie: exactly what DP has with me) but he's been saying this for years and he never does anything to help himself.

There are several activities that I wanted DP and I to do together over half term which he deemed "to expensive", yet he suddenly has the money to go and get wankered with his fucked up friend for a week? This is out of character for him and has taken me by surprise. Otherwise our relationship is good. AIBU to tell him he's being selfish and that I think he's got his priorities skewed?

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 06/02/2013 23:12

Oh, and I know lots of people who hold down a job, bring up their family and enjoy a joint too.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt · 06/02/2013 23:15

He sounds very immature and selfish.Confused

Are you planning on having DC's with him?

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 23:22

No plans to have DC at present.

I think perhaps he is immature compared to me. However he is 'also very conscientious and fully accepting of his shortcomings. I definitely would not describe him as selfish. Like most of us, on the odd occasions I feel he has been selfish I have told him so and after considering this he has agreed with me and striven to be otherwise.

OP posts:
Morloth · 06/02/2013 23:41

If you have to 'parent' him in this way - isn't it just too hard?

DontEvenThinkAboutIt · 06/02/2013 23:46

He was going to spend money he doesn't have on going to his mates for a jolly having told you that the things you would like to do are too expensive....... Umm Confused that sounds quite selfish to me.

He reacted to you calling him on it by sulking in his car and blaming you....... Confused. Not mature at all.

He was thinking to go to his mates rather than spend money on a birthday present for you....... Yup, that sounds selfish

He is 33 and has no assets (apart from his car?) no savings despite previously living in ridiculously cheap accomodation and has poor credit....... That sounds really immature.

I am glad he has seen sense but I would be weary if I were you. It doesn't bode well for the future.

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 23:47

Morloth

I've never really thought of it as having to 'parent' him. I don't have any children, so perhaps don't recognise the parallel.

Compared to my emotionally abuse ex DP is a walk in the park, but I guess it's all relative! I do know that he's the only partner I've ever had who my family have said they could envisage as their son in law.

OP posts:
Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 23:48

*abusive, not abuse.

OP posts:
Morloth · 06/02/2013 23:58

Just not being abusive isn't enough.

Not being abusive is the default.

It might be that he brings enough other stuff to your life that you can balance that against having to manage him in this way.

I wouldn't bother personally.

I have my shit together, anyone who wants to be with me also needs to have their shit together. I don't have time for anything else.

FairPhyllis · 07/02/2013 00:17

And this is why it is a bad idea to have relationships with people who can't manage money. You end up managing and/or resenting them.

At the very least he should have cleared his debt before moving in. If he couldn't clear debt on his former peppercorn rent then either the debt is MASSIVE or he truly is crap at controlling his spending. Neither is a good foundation for a relationship.

PleasePudding · 07/02/2013 00:45

I think some people are being really harsh. So the guy said something dickish and has apologised. Esther sounds totally sorted and has dealt with it well, her partner has admitted he was being a dick and has changed his plans.

Some people are crap with money until they grow up, live with someone else and have to take a bit more responsibility. I don't think that should be a dumping offence, particularly as he's seen his mistake and will try harder.

Of course constant drug abuse is bad but I don't think the occasional joint is that great a risk - presumably like all teachers and other professionals he'll be appraised from time to time and any fall in standards for any reason will be noted if serious?

I don't care what my children's teachers, my doctor, my midwife have done in their time off - thats their business- so long as it doesn't effect what they do when they're on the job and I don't think a joint would be likely to effect them more than getting completely hooned, or trying to give up fags or dealing with a break-up.

Morloth · 07/02/2013 00:50

I am harsh when deciding who to be in a relationship with.

DH is not perfect, but his faults are faults I can accept in a person and are more than balanced out by his awesomeness.

Everyone has a different threshold.

Original poster
Estherbelle · 07/02/2013 00:53

PleasePudding

Re. literally EVERYTHING you wrote, your perspective is exactly the same as mine. I was beginning to think, judging by the other posts, that I had completely misjudged my situation.

Thank you for adding another perspective Smile

OP posts:
CelineMcBean · 07/02/2013 01:14

I wouldn't be freaking out yet. A bit of managed debt is ok - life's too short to miss out on the big birthdays and celebrations to avoid a month where the overdraft or credit card takes the hit.

I suppose the things that would matter to me are:

  1. Did you both agree to the debt and how it would be managed or did he just assume you would pick up the tab? The latter would make me pissed off. The former is just par for the course in a partnership.
  1. Once the pricy months are out of the way what is the plan for saving for the lean times? Has he got a plan?
  1. If he didn't even think to ask if you minded him going away. Fwiw I think a big of separation and individual fun is healthy in a relationship but my DP always says "do you mind x, y, z" and I say "no of course not" unless there's a really good reason.
  1. That he doesn't takes steps to repay an agreed debt in your name as fast as possible.

I really wouldn't dictate how he chooses to spend his time - presumably he's not had a personality transplant since he moved in so you knew the score there. I would, however, not subsidise his lifestyle. So long as he's coughing up his share on time and in full the other stuff is usual relationship give and take.

If I had to spend prolonged periods in a classroom with other people's children I would turn to drugs too Grin

Original poster
Estherbelle · 07/02/2013 01:30

Celine

  1. As much as I would do anything within my capacity to help my DP, he was ADAMANT that I should not clear a penny of his debt. He feels an enormous burden of responsibility that he should clear this himself and I support this.
  1. The plan is he wants to decrease his debt by £300 per month and then when it is cleared continue to put aside money for emergencies. His main motivation is to get on an even keel, even though he gets distracted from this in the heat of the moment sometimes!
  1. I told DP pretty much what you said, that I don't mind him going away as long as he asks whether I mind first. He has admitted tonight that he was inconsiderate. I suggested getting a synched calendar on our phones so we can check if we're double booking stuff before committing to it. He was very receptive to this idea.
  1. He has said that he will pay the outstanding amount to me immediately on payday (24th). I do believe he will do this and will seriously have to have a rethink if he doesn't...

Quote: If I had to spend prolonged periods in a classroom with other people's children I would turn to drugs too Grin

  • I may have to add a few more grins to that...Grin Grin Grin !!!
OP posts:
Original poster
Estherbelle · 07/02/2013 01:33

DP teaches Year 2. Today alone one pupil pooed themselves, another was sick all over the classroom and a third was suspended for trying to stab another child in the eye with a pen....

OP posts:
CelineMcBean · 07/02/2013 01:38

Sounds like you have it under control and it's just the usual settling of a relationship after moving in. You seem very sensible and so as long as you stick to your agreement I can't see an issue.

We do shared calendars too. It works when I remember to use mine

holidaysarenice · 07/02/2013 01:43

You do realise if he pays half the mortgage he has a claim to your house, all of the deposit etc.

Original poster
Estherbelle · 07/02/2013 01:47

He doesn't pay half my mortgage, he pays rent and he's signed a cohabitation agreement signed by a solicitor.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 07/02/2013 02:00

OP I fear you've had a cocklodger bachelor at heart move in. It'll only get worse.

Morloth · 07/02/2013 02:37

Just keep paying attention Estherbelle, all the 'little' things can add up to quite a big thing.

We share a google calender, wouldn't see each other otherwise, am not sure how we ever managed without it. If it isn't in the calendar, it isn't happening is how it goes in our house.

PickledInAPearTree · 07/02/2013 07:37

Op you can't mention drugs on mumsnet. But even he once touched a drug through cling film at the age of 14. No..

Concentrate on the money & going away and you know your limits with the weed and make sure he sticks to them.

Bogeyface · 07/02/2013 08:44

It seems you are making excuses for him because you want this to be ok.

I didnt have a windfall, bankrolling parents or a good career. I was a single parent working in a shit job but I still managed to buy my own home at 28. The fact is that at 33 he has pissed most of his money up the wall and is now relying on the fact that you didnt to provide him with a home and a back up plan when he runs out of cash.

You may not be TTC but you are still becoming a parent.

LabelsGalore · 07/02/2013 09:10

Estherbelle
I will go against the grain and say that I think you are a very wise person. You clearly have thought things through and you also know your DP in a way that none of us do.

It IS good that he has acknowledged the issue and come to see your pov. I really hope that he will carry on being as trustworthy as he has been in the past.
Some posters have the made the comment that he doesn't seem to be very good with money. Perhaps, because of the issue you've had with your ex, it's something you might want to both keep an eye on. It would help you relax re finances and it would help him to adapt to the life as a couple. By that I don't mean you being a parent as it has been suggested but for you two to work together on the finances.

Tbh, from your posts it seems that things have actually settled down and I really hope things will go as planned during the hols :)

LabelsGalore · 07/02/2013 09:13

BTW, we have the calendar thing too in our house. Not the sync thingy on the phone, just the old fashion wall 'family' calendar.

But we would all the be lost wo it lol.

rainrainandmorerain · 07/02/2013 09:14

To be fair to the OP - it sounds like she does have a fair bit of life experience and is practically minded when it comes to money etc (a cohabitation agreement is good and fairly exceptional - I wonder how many other tough-talking mumsnetters have done this....).

she is also seeing a problem and taking steps to deal with it before she has 2 children and a shared mortgage with him. Again, there are mnetters in dire situations financially due to their partners' mismanagement - and who are a in a lot deeper than the OP.

I think if she can put a plan in place that her dp agrees to, that gives him a chance to sort himself out and not be a burden to her, then there's nothing wrong with that. But it needs to be a definite plan, with a timescale. And determination on the OP's part that if she does that, and he can't deliver on the bargain, she's given him a chance and he's blown it.

I am VERY cautious about money matters and partners. I have seen too many women left right up shit creek by a male partner who (even if high earning) treats money like he's a teenager living with his parents. But if the OP can give him a chance, without becoming a doormat, then one chance seems fair.