To be mad at DP re. our finances and his week away?

[Estherbelle]

DP & I have been together almost 2 years. A couple of weeks ago he moved in with me in the house I own, which has been a real big deal for both of us; for him because he has never lived with anyone before and for me because of trust issues caused by a cocklodging ex who didn't pay his way. I was adamant that I wanted an equal 50/50 relationship this time around in terms of finances and he was adamant that he would never take the piss with money.

This month has turned out to be an expensive month with various family commitments and buying new furniture to accommodate his belongings, etc, so we've already exceeded our 'food and household' budget for the month, with 18 days to go until payday. We earn a similar salary, the only difference being that I have access to credit and he doesn't, so it looks like it will fall on my shoulders to subsidize the budget. He was keen to stress that as soon as he got paid he would immediately pay me back half the overspend and while I don't doubt he will, it seems likely he'll be back in exactly the same situation running out of money before the subsequent payday because March also has several sizable financial commitments that we can't ignore.

Both of us love spending time with friends (many of them mutual friends), but recently I have turned down many nights out and things that would cost a lot of money because my priority is our home life. Today DP comes home from work and announces that at half term - when I'd really been looking forward to spending some time with him - he's going to go and stay with one of his friends for the week. This friend lives a 600 mile round trip away, so god knows how much petrol money that is, plus this friend is what his sister and several of our friends refer to as a 'force nine disaster zone'. He's the same age as us (33), yet he lives in a grotty shared house with his two band mates who do nothing except get wasted every night and sleep all day. I know exactly what his week away will entail - getting off his faces and spending a fortune on drink and drugs. Apparently this friend is in a bad way because all he wants is "someone to settle down with and a place to call home" (ie: exactly what DP has with me) but he's been saying this for years and he never does anything to help himself.

There are several activities that I wanted DP and I to do together over half term which he deemed "to expensive", yet he suddenly has the money to go and get wankered with his fucked up friend for a week? This is out of character for him and has taken me by surprise. Otherwise our relationship is good. AIBU to tell him he's being selfish and that I think he's got his priorities skewed?

Tbh the job of the OP and her DP has nothing to do with the issue here. We are not talking about the repercussions of his week away with 'friends' but about the issue of sharing finances in a couple who has just moved in together.

OP I really think you have to be very clear NOW about finances etc... You said your DP has never lived with someone before and I am guessing he hasn't quite realized what it entails ie that if he doesn't managed his budget well, it has a repercussion on you and therefore you will have a word to say on how he is spending 'his' money (if it has some effects on you).
I would really make it clear to him how you see the situation, in a very neutral way eg You go away = you won't be able to pay next month expenses. We are already (a month in!) in debt and I don't want to be the only one responsible.
I would also make clear what you have told us ie only the money is an issue. If he had some money left, you would be happy for him to go.

However, I think you need to clarify if you are happy for him to go away for a week to see that friend, your first week of hols together, the week where you could have settled down in your new home etc... Are you really happy for him to go if there was no money issue or would you feel left out?
Because imho, this is another issue you need to sort out ie your priorities to both of you (spending time together as a couple/family or spending time with friends as if you were single, how much time are you both happy to spend in each situation? You need to find a balance in between that you are both comfortable with)

Why do you want to be with a man who takes drugs?
Get out now. He is not respecting you. Do you really want your life to be like this?

Doris you are perfectly entitled to your point of view but you can't actually control what people do in their time off work. And assuming the drugs are illegal, it's as bad in my view for anyone to be using then regardless of what their job is. Start a general crusade against drugs if that's how you feel but don't pick on the OP.

You've been living together for 5 minutes and already he is acting like a cock.

His comment "You can't keep me in a box" was far too much like a teenager saying to his mum "You can't stop me going out with my friends!" for my liking.

Seems to me that the second he moved in you went from "lover" to "mother" and as a pp said, it is only going to get worse.

Cut your losses know while the worst is being a few hundred quid down. And for the future, if a man has a bad credit rating for anything other than a failed business or job loss, he is a loser so dont waste your time on him.

OP, I hope you are charging him rent rather than him being jointly responsible for the mortgage. It would be awful if you lost your home.

Financially it would have been much better if you'd had a lodger and he'd stayed put until his financial troubles were sorted. I'm shocked at how little he earns in his mid thirties and teaching in London. What salary is that?

now not know!

500 all in is pretty cheap where is all the rest of his money going?

If a few family commitments sends your joint account into the red then I think you need to pay more in each to be honest.

Maybe 600 each to build a buffer.

Plus no matter if you get a cheap rail or use boxes I wouldn't use my credit to by furniture on month one.

Could you compromise and him see the friend for half the time only? Maybe a weekend?

It's very odd to not have discussed what you each wanted to do for half-term. Most teachers do this months in advance!
He hasn't shifted into 'couple mode' has he?

He's trying it on seeing what you will put up with if you ask me.

If you let this go without comment then he will probably make it regular.

A whole week away is a piss take.

Obviously don't know all the ins & outs.

I wouldn't date, let alone live with, someone who thought it was acceptable to spend a week getting wasted on drink and drugs. Even if we / they had the money to throw away. That would be enough in itself for me to kick him out.

Completely agree with Dayshiftdoris regarding drug use by anyone with a responsible job being unacceptable. I'd remove my child from the class of any teacher if I knew they abused drugs. They have my vulnerable children in their care 6 hours each day, how can they be good role models in that time if they think it's ever acceptable to get "wankered" on mindrot?

I also have a stressful job, as do all of my colleagues. None of us take drugs.

To be honest, the fact that he is 33, a teacher and has been paying only £270 a month in rent/bills for the last few years, yet doesn't even have £500 in a savings account - while you have bought your own house - suggests he is pretty rubbish with money. Planning to spend your first holiday week together away with his feckless chum is also not a sign of great maturity.

Good point mooncup
Add to that he has loans outstanding to bank and friends, regularly goes over his overdraft, gets a ton of late fees etc and you get a VERY sorry financial picture
OP......given that he has shown little follow through in settling his commitments in the past, what makes you think now will be any different?

Actually Snazzy

I think you will find that I don't need to dictate anything as the rules of their governing bodies tell them that it is unacceptable and if you dont like it quite frankly find another career.

I don;t actually have an issue with drugs but I don;t see why you would become a teacher, nurse, midwife, etc if you want to continue that kind of behaviour...

And actually the drug use can not be viewed seperately to the situation because the cost of his 'personal choice' is impacting upon his relationship not to mention the potential impact upon his job.

Ok - two issues here - one - how he chooses to spend his holiday and two - how he chooses to spend his (or rather your) money.

The first you can't control although it would get me wondering how much he valued me / our relationship.

The second you need to be clear on - You are not financing this trip. He needs to pay you back in full and put the full amount for the month into the family kitty (as will you) on the day you get paid. You also both need to sit down and work out what are the "March one off expenses" and how much will they likely be and add that to the kitty as well.

Incidentally, another vote here for should have waited with the furniture. In the early days of our marriage we spent 3 months sleeping on an air bed before we could afford a bed, 2 years with our TV resting on two packing boxes before we got a TV stand and 5 years sitting on the in laws second hand sofa. Oh - and we also had a broom handle for a clothes rail for years.

dayshiftdoris can you think of any job where drug use would be OK?

No, but you did sound off in particular about teachers, only lately widening your scope. Do you get hoity-toity about the fatties whose knees cave in and they can't work so well, or the skiers who are off after a holiday accident?

As long as it's legal, it's no-one's business how someone conducts themselves in their own time.

OP, your DP is not the thing. Piss taker. Red flag.

LTB

Freecyle is brilliant you know. Just saying. Anyway, that's by the wayside now.

Clearly this guy has no concept of money (and I say this as someone who is shit with budgets but recognises that and tends to default to NOT spending just in case) - has he been bankrolled by family in the past?

I would just say the fact that he "needs" to pay back a friend rather than you indicates that he has the mindset of a 17 year old - as do his holiday plans. Isn't half term in about a week? Had neither of you really mentioned it before?

OP It looks like you have managed to find the same guy twice, another cocklodger, he wants to live with you and carry on as normal, he wants to give you $500 a month and you take care of everything else.
I'd cut your losses while you can, moving in together was a huge mistake.
He's in the wrong, he wants to overspend, and you pick up the slack and he pay you back, how long before he can't pay it all this month but starts giving you some of the overspend money till he owes a huge amount? If you try to make him be an adult about it he pouts in the car after saying you are "boxing him in" tell him to get a grip and grow up.

OP - it sounds like your partner has trouble budgeting/managing his own money anyway. Is that fair? If he has gone repeatedly over his overdraft and has a poor credit rating.

Even if you are meticulous about divvying up shared costs (bills etc) - he is still likely to get into financial trouble in a way which affects you. i.e he'll pay you rent etc as agreed - but then will have little or no money for (say) food or entertainment.

So you either live very frugally, or end up subbing him. I think that is a big problem.

There are huge alarm bills ringing for me with the 'you can't keep me in a box' line. it makes YOU his problem - not his own money management skills.

I don't think this necesarily means he is a nasty or manipulative person - probably just incompetent with money and a bit immature - but I don't think you can solve that problem, or protect yourself from it. He'll end up spending your money and getting angry at you while he does it. Sorry.

Yes, I don't like the 'you can't keep me in a box' thing either. He is setting you up to be the big old meanie who doesn't want him to have any fun, except that it will be convenient when the big old meanie has some cash left because he's spent all his. Then you'll be the big old meanie who won't help him out when he really needs it.

Point out to him that he is putting you in a position where you really can't win. You either go along with his scheme and lose out yourself, or you take a stand, he gets cross and you also lose out. It's not fair on you. If he can't compromise at his early stage in your living together, and put off some of his own gratification in order to make your life as a couple better, it doesn't bode well for the future.

Are you sure he is only getting £1250 a month? Even after student loan and pension that is lower than the 1st band on the main pay scale.

Regardless £750 a month disposable income is a lot! What the hell is he spending on?? He sounds like a total immature idiot to me, just the kind of person parents are thrilled to have involved with their children.

Thanks for all your responses. I will try and answer some of your questions.

Scarlettsmummy - How did I pay the bills before he moved in? Did I live on £250 per month? No, I had a lodger and I didn't relish my house subsequently not feeling like my home.

ImperialBlether ? Yes I am charging him rent rather than being jointly responsible for the mortgage and he is fine with that.

Adversecamber ? Yes I have seen his payslip. If he lied about something like that he would be out the door! He?s only on M2 on the teaching scale which is 23k pa, which after tax / pension / student loan etc comes out at £1250. There?s no way we?d have DC until we were financially more stable and I wouldn?t TTC with him unless he gave up cannabis, no.

Rafflesway ? glad you can see where I?m coming from, the situation with your DH sounds extremely similar to what my DP is going through ? and yes the kids in his class know him as the quirky hippy teacher and his colleagues view him as a breath of fresh air. My father was a Head Teacher and my mum also a teacher and neither of them took drugs or drank heavily, but it affects different people in different ways.

Doris ? I was never condoning for one minute that it?s ok to take drugs because the parents are addicted anyway ? I think it?s a sad indictment. My insight into the damage that drugs can do is more distinct than you think ? I wrote my thesis at university about it, for which I received first class honours. My DP is not a regular drug taker, it does however seem that when he meets up with this friend he smokes a lot of cannabis. I?m well aware that this can adversely affect mental well being in SOME people and if I thought DP was predisposed to this I would not still be with him.

I try not to be judgy about DPs financial predicament because the main reason why I own my own house / haven?t struggled financially as much as he has is because I was widowed young and was left money in the insurance policy (but that?s another story). He?s never received any boost to his finances or been bankrolled by family (he?s one of 5 kids so his parents were stretched at the best of times) so he has definitely struggled more than me.

LabelsGalore ? since last posting I HAVE sat down with him and talked for a good hour, reiterating much of what you put in your post, ie: that money is the issue, not control and the effect his actions have had on me?

?I appear to have had a breakthrough. DP has sincerely apologised for arranging the trip without consulting me and has acknowledged that I?m not being ?controlling? and that my fears about the trip are purely financial. After talking to his friend he has rearranged to go for two nights only and his friend has offered to pay for his petrol. DP has also promised me that he won?t take drugs or spend lots of money while he?s away and will have enough left for us to do things during the month. I?m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one as he?s never given me a reason to mistrust him.

*dayshiftdoris can you think of any job where drug use would be OK?

No, but you did sound off in particular about teachers, only lately widening your scope. Do you get hoity-toity about the fatties whose knees cave in and they can't work so well, or the skiers who are off after a holiday accident?

As long as it's legal, it's no-one's business how someone conducts themselves in their own time.*

Erm... drug use isn't legal

And whilst no I can't think of a job where drug use is ok the point is in teaching (and other such professions) there are specific rules governing their conduct outside of work... and it's true to say more and more companies are taking the same stance.

And regardless of the rules - it's wrong and they are shaping our children. I wouldnt ever leave my son in the care of anyone I knew was taking drugs, even occasional recreational use ... but per your examples yes I would be quite happy to leave him of the care of someone with bad knees (is fattie an acceptable term BTW?) or someone who goes on ski'ing holiday...

Perhaps I am 'hoity-toity' for expecting a certain level of professional behaviour from teachers in a position of responsibility.

OP... he shows a certain disregard for himself and now you. I think you need to long hard look at where you want to go and whether he will aid that journey if he was to stay how he is now.... if you believe he can change then this should be a huge red flag

That sounds like good progress OP. Hope he continues to act like your partner not your stroppy teenager and that you have a nice time together on half term