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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at DP re. our finances and his week away?

129 replies

Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 19:14

DP & I have been together almost 2 years. A couple of weeks ago he moved in with me in the house I own, which has been a real big deal for both of us; for him because he has never lived with anyone before and for me because of trust issues caused by a cocklodging ex who didn't pay his way. I was adamant that I wanted an equal 50/50 relationship this time around in terms of finances and he was adamant that he would never take the piss with money.

This month has turned out to be an expensive month with various family commitments and buying new furniture to accommodate his belongings, etc, so we've already exceeded our 'food and household' budget for the month, with 18 days to go until payday. We earn a similar salary, the only difference being that I have access to credit and he doesn't, so it looks like it will fall on my shoulders to subsidize the budget. He was keen to stress that as soon as he got paid he would immediately pay me back half the overspend and while I don't doubt he will, it seems likely he'll be back in exactly the same situation running out of money before the subsequent payday because March also has several sizable financial commitments that we can't ignore.

Both of us love spending time with friends (many of them mutual friends), but recently I have turned down many nights out and things that would cost a lot of money because my priority is our home life. Today DP comes home from work and announces that at half term - when I'd really been looking forward to spending some time with him - he's going to go and stay with one of his friends for the week. This friend lives a 600 mile round trip away, so god knows how much petrol money that is, plus this friend is what his sister and several of our friends refer to as a 'force nine disaster zone'. He's the same age as us (33), yet he lives in a grotty shared house with his two band mates who do nothing except get wasted every night and sleep all day. I know exactly what his week away will entail - getting off his faces and spending a fortune on drink and drugs. Apparently this friend is in a bad way because all he wants is "someone to settle down with and a place to call home" (ie: exactly what DP has with me) but he's been saying this for years and he never does anything to help himself.

There are several activities that I wanted DP and I to do together over half term which he deemed "to expensive", yet he suddenly has the money to go and get wankered with his fucked up friend for a week? This is out of character for him and has taken me by surprise. Otherwise our relationship is good. AIBU to tell him he's being selfish and that I think he's got his priorities skewed?

OP posts:
stifnstav · 06/02/2013 22:19

Do not refer to it as him paying half of the mortgage! You'll be setting up his claim on your house!

Have you got him a rent book? Or a cohabitee agreement?

PickledInAPearTree · 06/02/2013 22:20

That's good that sounds like a fair compromise to me and most importantly an apology.

PickledInAPearTree · 06/02/2013 22:22

He won't be able to get your house I've looked into this for myself. But I would refer to it as rent so he knows where he stands.

500 all on for food as well is still pretty cheap too!

TheSecondComing · 06/02/2013 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sweetestB · 06/02/2013 22:28

It's sad the relationship started like this, your first week holidays leaving together should be honeymoon.
and how are you going to know he didn't take any drugs or overspent, will you check his outgoings?
He sounds immature, and you have life experience....
Good luck

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 22:29

Doctrine & PearTree - Thank you Smile It meant a lot to hear that apology!

I'm aware that I'm VERY lucky that my mortgage is only £220 per month. I live in a relatively inexpensive area of the country and had a 50% deposit from the insurance policy.

Yes I do have a cohabitee agreement and DP is well aware he has no claim on my house. He knows of the hell I went through with my ex who thought he did have a claim and is appalled for me that I had to go through that situation. It's one of the reasons why we waited 2 years before moving in with DP despite the fact I love him to death - as I've got to know him I'm certain that he would NEVER try and screw me over with the house - he finds the way my ex behaved me as abhorrent as I do.

OP posts:
echt · 06/02/2013 22:30

dayshiftdoris there are quite few perfectly legal highs.

Alcohol is a drug. Tobacco is a drug. Would you say people who use the latter aren't for for their job? You just pick and choose acceptable drugs/activities as suits your prejudices.

The invasion of private life by employers, while it is becoming more prevalent, does not make it more acceptable.

dayshiftdoris · 06/02/2013 22:32

If indeed your degree included a thesis on drug use then you will know there is no 'safe limit','no safe personality' for drug use and that most illegal drugs have unsafe / unstable pharmacology and as such can cause unexpected problems.

You'll have also discovered (as I did when I did my masters) that there is nothing in the research to say what is a 'safe' and acceptable level of drug use around children. Infact, everything I read agreed that drug use is damaging to children, even when it is not done in front of them, even when it is hidden... even in it's wider societal context there are consequences that almost always impact on the most vulnerable in society.

Glad you sorted out your mortgage though

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 22:33

Sweet

"How are you going to know he didn't take any drugs or overspent? Will you check his outgoings?" No, I wouldn't check up on him like that. He knows how important trust is in our relationship. I do agree that I have more life experience than he does though and he would agree too!

OP posts:
PickledInAPearTree · 06/02/2013 22:36

Your ex didn't get anything though?

sweetestB · 06/02/2013 22:40

just hope you don't end up feeling like I do most of the time OP. I'm not finding it easy to share my life whit someone who hasn't being through a lot like I did.
If I have to chose a new partner in the future, ideally will be someone with a huge baggage.
but that's just me

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 22:42

Dayshiftdoris

My degree was journalism and my thesis was based on real life stories of drug addicts and drug users. I was motivated to explore this subject after the death of my husband is 2003. He smoked cannabis and later suffered from schizophrenia. I probably know far less about the pharmacological side of it than you do as my interest was the human angle. I do know that my DPs mental health is extremely sound and that cannabis has never caused him any problems that either of us are aware of.

I should stress that I DON'T smoke it myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 22:43

PearTree

No my ex didn't get anything! It was his brother (who is a solicitor) who told him he didn't have a legal leg to stand on!

OP posts:
Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 22:48

Sweet

I guess I'm the opposite to you because I don't think I could handle (pardon the pun!) someone who had as much baggage as I have! Obviously I try not to burden DP with it because the present - and hopefully the future - is about our relationship but yes, if you've been with a cocklodger in the past (and strangely enough it was only through joining Mumsnet that I realised cocklodger was the PERFECT term!) then it can easily make you anxious about financial matters.

OP posts:
sweetestB · 06/02/2013 22:48

Well, your ex suffered schizophrenia later........

sweetestB · 06/02/2013 22:50

I wonder why you are attracted to pot smokers, if you don't smoke yourself...
Is rebellion against your teacher parents?

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 22:50

Late DHs grandfather, uncle and brother all had schizophrenia. Grandfather and uncle both took their own lives, like DH did. None of them except DH smoked cannabis.

OP posts:
Whoknowswhocares · 06/02/2013 22:53

Errr, there is a documented link between cannabis and later developing schizophrenia.

Having lost one partner to it, I don't think I could be in any way laid back about its potential dangers a second time!

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 22:53

I wouldn't say I was attracted to pot smokers - I was attracted to other attributes of their personalities and they just happen to smoke pot. I HAVE tried it in the past - just found I couldn't concentrate properly and I have hobbies I like to pursue in the evenings which I would find impossible without that concentration...conversely DP says he can concentrate BETTER when he's had a smoke.

And no, it's not rebellion against my teacher parents - they weren't strict or judgmental in the slightest and I have huge respect for them as I know they do for me.

OP posts:
sweetestB · 06/02/2013 22:53

oh I see, sorry. I read the post thinking you were relating cannabis to schizophrenia. sorry

TheSecondComing · 06/02/2013 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Estherbelle · 06/02/2013 22:55

SecondComing, I second that!

And I should add that DP is an outstanding teacher.

OP posts:
dayshiftdoris · 06/02/2013 22:57

My masters is in public health and as such my focus is also very much about human cost.

The point about pharmacology is that you cant be sure your DP is not at risk... not really... there have been cases of drug-induced psychosis occuring with super-strength cannabis that got on to the market and people didnt realise what they were getting... a friend was working in drug & alcohol services said that it was hideous time as people had their lives ruined by what was effectively a supply issue.

Christ... nothing is ever safe with any drugs... prescription drugs can cause sudden, unexpected effects... Look at tramadol - that is legal, prescription drug yet you can take it happily for months then have a sudden attack of altered thinking and lack of reality....

Just because he's been ok, he thinks he ok... it doesn mean he is.

suburbophobe · 06/02/2013 22:58

I'd move him right out again. Till he grows up.

He's not ready to live together....

This is a disaster waiting to happen and you are paying for it, literally and figuratively....

Yfronts · 06/02/2013 23:12

I think it's fine if boyfriend decides to visit a nice friend and can afford to get there. However the friend has drugs issues and boyfriend can't afford the trip. I would be uneasy about these two points. Also, I agree that furniture isn't essential.