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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to detest the poems requesting money as a wedding gift?

293 replies

Moominlandmidwinter · 05/02/2013 14:38

We've been invited to three weddings in the last year. Each invitation has included a vomit-inducing poem about how the bride and groom want money as a wedding gift. Is there really any need? I didn't have a gift list or any other kind of mention about what we would like included with the invitations when I married three years ago. We found that the majority of guests gave us money or vouchers anyway. It just feels so grabby. Will stick a fiver in the card though Wink.

OP posts:
specialknickers · 05/02/2013 19:11

I don't like requests for presents or money TBH. Tis naff. Never seen a poem demanding cash though, that really takes the biscuit.

Elephant When we married three years ago, we didn't mention gifts at all on the invite and were wondering what would happen... We got home from honeymoon to a massive pile of amazing presents, really special because people had chosen things they liked, which means whenever we use those things we can think of them. We also got tonnes of cash. Not a single toaster either - bonus.

Bue · 05/02/2013 19:55

We included a link to our wedding website in the invitation (simple site made with Blogger) and on the website there was a link to our list (along with loads of other wedding info). Almost everyone found it just fine.

The problem we did have was that (mostly older) people began sending gifts from across the pond to the UK and we were incurring HUGE customs bills and had to refuse shipments! So we had to sort that out, and then mass email people telling them thank you SO much for the generosity but please do not take this course of action. Awkward.

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/02/2013 20:00

Hate requests for money with a passion, poem or no poem. Its akin to charging an entry fee. If you cant afford your honeymoon or need to recoup the costs of the wedding then cut back or save for longer rather than expect guests to pay.

I dont mind a wedding list available if asked for and i usually do it the couple dont live together already and are just starting out. If they already have a home then i stick with a bottle of wine or something like that same for second marriages.

lollilou · 05/02/2013 20:41

I got married, I had a poem, we went to Tenerife on honeymoon.

Go ahead do your worst Grin

HecateWhoopass · 05/02/2013 20:47

I don't like them either.

i realise it's considered fine, I get it's seen as practical. I understand that there's no point someone giving you something you don't need, times have moved on, yadda yadda yadda...

Doesn't matter. Grin I still think it's rude to ask for anything. So gift lists are out too. Grin the only acceptable response to "what would you like" is "nothing, really, it's fine. I just want your company."

They then have to beat it out of you, at which point you humbly suggest a packet of hankies and they buy you a toaster to go with the other 132 toasters that will be given to you on the day Grin

Any deviation from this procedure is Very Bad Form.

I did once get a gimmee yer money poem from some distant relative I've never met. I amused myself by composing a suitable reply. "thanks for your verse, with your eyes on my purse..."

Didn't send it, of course. Before anyone keels over in shock Grin

Skinnywhippet · 05/02/2013 20:54

It's shocking. I hate how comercialised wedding have become, but then I only had about 12 guests and decided to get married 2 weeks before the wedding day! No gift list, friends just bought what they wanted to give. Have 2 beautiful pieces of art for our house which are my favourite.

Curiosa · 05/02/2013 22:02

What about B listers who are only invited to the evening do. Should they be asked to buy a present? I'm not sure of the etiquette on this one.

NinthWavingAtTheSnowman · 05/02/2013 22:06

We got one of these recently, DH and I were pissing ourselves at it

"When it comes to our gift, don't be rash
How about a little cash?"

DONT BE RASH GIVE US YOUR CASH

NOW

soverylucky · 05/02/2013 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird · 05/02/2013 22:22

Def not curiosa. B list = no gift requires IMO. Although if you'd like to of course that's lovely.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird · 05/02/2013 22:29

I get that the polite thing is to not mention gifts and then people call your mum etc etc but it only works if people know the rules. Which they don't generally. Gift list in the invite is so usual now that if its not there people just assume there isn't one and get what they want/ nothing. Which of course is fine and good (if we are all pretending to be selfless and polite Grin) but maybe not the ideal outcome if you've spent 2 weekends schlepping round John Lewis optimistically zapping le cruessettes with a bar code scanner thingy?

MrsKoala · 05/02/2013 22:37

Actually soverylucky I do give a gift list at Xmas and birthday Blush I keep a list of things I see thru the year but wouldn't buy myself as too frivolous. Then I give to dh in case he needs suggestions, I end up with a nice combo of treats I know I want and lovely surprises.

So out of curiosity to all you who wouldn't do a list, would you go to a wedding with no gift? I only ask as at my wedding last month we got hardly anything. We didn't do a list and didn't want anything pricey or specific, but I would have liked to have received something personal as a nice memory. I would never have turned up empty handed. I was quite upset. My sister and close friends didn't give me anything, just my parents gave me a cheque :(

MrsKoala · 05/02/2013 22:42

I meant to say the Xmas list came after one year when I got about 20 bath bombs and a book on the history of electricity Confused

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/02/2013 22:50

MrsKoala, were your guests invited to the whole day or many just evening only?

MrsKoala · 05/02/2013 23:10

All whole day, free bar, food etc. it was implied after that because it was a registry office and a pub do it wasn't a 'proper' wedding. So didn't deserve a 'proper' gift.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/02/2013 23:13

mrs - that's rotten. Sad How horrible. And really, really shit to say it wasn't a proper wedding. In fact I think I remember you saying this before (I bloody hope it was you because I hope there aren't two people whose families said this!).

I wouldn't turn up to a wedding without a gift and I would always try to make that gift something the couple wanted, whether that was money or something of a list or the (slightly dreaded) 'surprise me'. I don't see what being invited to the evening do has to do with it, either. I think I would bring a smaller gift if that happened but I wouldn't just turn up empty handed.

MrsKoala · 05/02/2013 23:18

Yes lrd that was me, sorry for going on about it on here Blush but I was so surprised. It would have meant so much to have something as a keepsake.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/02/2013 23:19

Oh, god, no, believe me, I would be going on about that til kingdom come! And 'surprised' wouldn't cover it. Honestly, that is really shit of them. I'm so sorry.

MortifiedAdams · 05/02/2013 23:28

I didnt put a poem in or a list or indeed mention gifts in any way in our invite.

We got some lovely gifts, including some.home.made, vouchers and cash. There may well have been people who didnt give anything. We had no duplicates and no household appliances.

Why is it always assumed that if you dont include a list you will get seven toaster - thats an old cliche that is said a heck lot more than actually done

Fanjounchained · 05/02/2013 23:28

That's crap Mrs

Although I doubt that we will ever actually get married "if " we ever did, I'd like to do it pretty much the way you described, except we'd probably bugger off and get married somewhere warm, then come back and have a celebration with all our family. As we've been living together for about 10yrs (together 17) we have the toaster, bed linen etc. Our house if falling in around us but I would never dream of asking for cash to fund repairs, I'd be happy with a nice scented candle or a nice bottle of wine - as I like both ! If people are feeling are more generous and want to spend more then that's very generous, but I don't expect...

MrsKoala · 05/02/2013 23:36

What I found saddest was the nct group We had only been part of for a few months gave us a beautiful hand made babysitting 'voucher' and a paid for meal at a lovely restaurant and some picture frames and my family and friends I've had for years didn't bother with anything. I just feel so hurt, but hat I can't go on about without looking 'grabby'.

apostropheuse · 05/02/2013 23:58

I think it's rude and vulgar to ask for anything at all to be honest - either a gift or money. It makes the person appear greedy. I think you should receive anything you're given gratefully with a smile and a thanks.

Even the hideous jardiniere and stand I received from a great aunt was appreciated, because she had taken the time and given the thought to buying it for us. It also gave us a giggle on many occasions! Grin

meddie · 06/02/2013 00:06

Here you go moominlandmidwinter

Thank you for your invite,
You're poem made me stabby,
I don't mind buying presents
but rhyming for cash is grabby.

I went onto the t'internet,
and asked was I being U,
The mumsnetters agreed I wasn't,
It was a vulgar thing to do

So I thought I would reply to your invite,
But attempt to put it in verse,
So I will be attending your wedding,
But I wont be bringing my purse.

ComposHat · 06/02/2013 00:40

Erm I am feeling a bit bad now.

We are sending out invites in the next few days. We asked for vouchers (no rhyme) I hated the idea of asking for cash, but after several people asked me what we wanted, we sort of panicked and said John Lewis voucher please.

Have I committed a huge faux pas. Do I need to don a fire-retardant suit?

StuntGirl · 06/02/2013 01:14

The rhyming verses are a bit twee but I couldn't give a fuck if people want money or presents or neither.

Actually since I always get some kind of present for celebratory events I'd prefer it if the hosts gave me a clue as to the kind of thing they want anyway.