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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to detest the poems requesting money as a wedding gift?

293 replies

Moominlandmidwinter · 05/02/2013 14:38

We've been invited to three weddings in the last year. Each invitation has included a vomit-inducing poem about how the bride and groom want money as a wedding gift. Is there really any need? I didn't have a gift list or any other kind of mention about what we would like included with the invitations when I married three years ago. We found that the majority of guests gave us money or vouchers anyway. It just feels so grabby. Will stick a fiver in the card though Wink.

OP posts:
splashymcsplash · 09/02/2013 19:51

I put a card about our gift list in the invites, but gave them out mostly in person and made clear that it was only a suggestion, and no gift was expected. I thought this was ok, but one person told me he thought it was rude.

Domjolly · 09/02/2013 20:25

We just got a invite like that a we sent nought back and we are not going to the wedding

They are very well off and are having a 200k wedding and can pay for there honey moon themselves ffs

Maryz · 09/02/2013 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 09/02/2013 21:24

No idea re the going rate as never give cash. I would spend more on a church hall type wedding as its likely to be more about the actual wedding itself unlike a big do which swallows up the vows and is just one big party. Plus if they can spend that much on one day thats soon over with they dont really need gifts.

Evening only do's i just take a bottle for as its just an evening out no actual wedding part.

Binkybix · 09/02/2013 21:29

I give between 20 and 50 pounds and maybe also get a small gift. Or a gift if I think of something really perfect for that couple. I don't change the amount depending on the type of wedding because I see it as a gift I choose to give rather than an entry ticket.

chocolatesolveseverything · 09/02/2013 21:38

Erm... when I get a wedding invite I open it up and get all excited because I'm going to be part of a couple's big day. It's an honour as far as I'm concerned.

And so long as I can afford it, I'll get them a gift. So if I get a gift list, or a request for money along with the invite, that's absolutely fine. Assuming there's a reasonable range of price options on it, I wouldn't dream of being offended. After all, it's their special day. They can arrange it how they please.

What I think is rude is receiving an invitation and then moaning about how some aspect of it is breaching the unwritten rules of weddings. If a poem asking for a bit of cash causes you so much anger, then your relationship with the couple probably isn't up to much IMHO, and maybe you'd be best off not going.

If it's of any relevance, we enclosed details of the gift list with our wedding invitations last year because we personally have always found this helpful when being invited to others'. We were blown away by how generous people were - and the smaller gifts were just as much appreciated as the larger ones.

chocoluvva · 10/02/2013 00:48

"Moaning" on an online forum is not rude.

chocolatesolveseverything · 10/02/2013 11:13

Yes, I agree with that chocoluvva. Sorry, I should've been clearer - contacting the couple via 'opposing poem', complaining to them, or moaning to other guests about it in a way that's going to create negativity about the wedding is rude.

Keeping your thoughts to yourself but expressing them on an anonymous online forum isn't what I was meaning.

chocoluvva · 10/02/2013 13:35

Until I read this thread I had no idea that the wedding 'industry' had got so big. But I don't know why I'm surprised really - everything else has become more commercialised too; Easter decorations and treasure-hunt kits, New-year crackers, Valentine's day. When I got married 20 years ago many couples didn't even do gift lists.

Also, it's more often the couple who are funding the wedding so couples feel free to adopt the 'It's our special day, so we'll do whatever we like' approach rather than do what the older generation think they ought to do. It's often a huge effort and expense to go to a wedding, however joyfully you're doing it so I would not welcome a rhyming poem asking for a cash donation.

Chocolatehunter · 11/06/2013 17:41

I'm getting married and I HATE the money poems, grabby, greedy little brats ususally send those out. I also HATE gift lists. Our invites have gone out with the specific purpose of inviting people to the wedding and telling them the details of the day that they need to know. It would be lovely if people did buy us gifts or give us money but that isn't the reason we are inviting them and we aren't getting married in our home town so lots of people will have to stay overnight. It's not reasonable to expect people to shell out for a night out, an overnight stay and a big present.

I have a friend who's just put a £300 toaster on her gust list. I didn't even know you could get a toaster for £300. I checked to see if it did anything special (like clean my house whilst I was asleep) but it doesn't, IT JUST TOASTS BREAD.

DryCounty79 · 11/06/2013 18:27

HappyMummy, I get your point, but some people ARE having a registry office and homemade buffet wedding and they still can't afford a honeymoon of any kind Smile

I don't think there's anything wrong with people saying they'd like cash in lieu of gifts if a guest really wanted to get them something. Many people appreciate a fiver just as much as £50. And some put money they could have used for a honeymoon towards the extra food and drink needed to invite someone they really want there, or who would make a big stink if they weren't invited. So not everyone requesting cash as a gift is being grabby

DryCounty79 · 11/06/2013 18:43

Just noticed the date this discussion started. Bit late to the party! Grin

soverylucky · 11/06/2013 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyLane1 · 11/06/2013 20:46

moom I was at that wedding!!! Haha, who are you?!

MummyMUMMY87 · 27/08/2013 12:30

We've just received a different one...

'Our wedding date we now have set,
you are invited to attend.
There is a little catch, however
we'd like to share with you, close family and friends.

** won the Irish lotto,
(A fair amount, that's true).
So we plan to hold our wedding,
for your love and support, as our gift to you.

No travel costs or hotel fees,
This will be covered by us.
Just let us know your travel plans,
And we will sort the fuss.

We know this breaks tradition, all.
But God has blessed us with this windfall.

We ask that you don't bring a gift,
All we'd like you to bring,
Is yourselves and your presence,
As we exchange, with love, our rings.

Our evening do, then breakfast,
We will leave then for our honeymoon.
Please enjoy the hotel for the the rest of your stay,
With love, the bride and groom.'

Couldn't believe it!!!!!!!!!!!! (Will likely take a gift anyway!)

SleepyFish · 27/08/2013 12:37

How refreshing MUMMY87.
I just received a wedding invitation from a very wealthy relative and her very wealthly fiance requesting cash towards their honeymoon in the Maldives!
As a not so wealthy single parent who's child isn't invited I politely declined.

MummyMUMMY87 · 27/08/2013 13:38

And I'm not surprised you have!!!!

MummyMUMMY87 · 27/08/2013 13:39

On that point SleepyFish, what are people's views on child free weddings?

MummyMUMMY87 · 27/08/2013 13:47

How about setting up a 'gift list' on a website, however when guests log on, it's a list of things you already own :P

SleepyFish · 27/08/2013 13:55

I think it's entirely up to individual couples whether they invite children. But for me children are part of the family too and make a wedding more fun.
Other than the expense the main reason I'm not attending is because I have no childcare. All my babysitters will be at the wedding which is unreachable by public transport. The transport laid on leaves at 11.30am and returns at 1am!

clarasebal · 18/09/2013 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

christine44 · 18/09/2013 19:29

Hate being asked for cash. Makes me feel we are paying for our seat at the wedding

Aniceperson · 22/09/2013 17:37

If you really like the person who's wedding you are going too then you wouldn't really mind if they send out a poem or gift list. After all you should want the best for that couple. If you do not then I'm wondering why you were invited in the first place!! I'm sick of folk moaning about what right and what is not right to do!! The couple who are getting married have chosen a comfortable place entertainment food and sometimes drink and often transport to get you there so why moan about a poem. Go ahead buy them something they don't like and watch it getting sold on gum tree the following week! Cos that's what I would do!!

Aniceperson · 22/09/2013 19:18

If you really like the person who's wedding you are going too then you wouldn't really mind if they send out a poem or gift list. After all you should want the best for that couple. If you do not then I'm wondering why you were invited in the first place!! I'm sick of folk moaning about what right and what is not right to do!! The couple who are getting married have chosen a comfortable place entertainment food and sometimes drink and often transport to get you there so why moan about a poem. Go ahead buy them something they don't like and watch it getting sold on gum tree the following week! Cos that's what I would do!!

Tavv · 22/09/2013 19:28

It's impolite to mention gifts at all in an invitation. Asking for money is even worse.