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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to detest the poems requesting money as a wedding gift?

293 replies

Moominlandmidwinter · 05/02/2013 14:38

We've been invited to three weddings in the last year. Each invitation has included a vomit-inducing poem about how the bride and groom want money as a wedding gift. Is there really any need? I didn't have a gift list or any other kind of mention about what we would like included with the invitations when I married three years ago. We found that the majority of guests gave us money or vouchers anyway. It just feels so grabby. Will stick a fiver in the card though Wink.

OP posts:
Fanjounchained · 05/02/2013 17:56

Threads like this remind me why I am living in sin !

MrsKoala · 05/02/2013 17:56

The pics were of a completely normal looking house with look at this disgusting x what would possess anyone to think that looks nice, we must immediately replace it so need your money before we vomit ourselves inside out. I reckon most people would have opened it and thought, :( my xlooks like that.

TheElephantIsADaintyBird · 05/02/2013 17:56

I still don't understand, so is a gift list bad form now?

We are planning on getting married next year and I was really looking forward to doing our gift list. We've rented fully furnished houses for years and don't have much stuff of our own. I was going to make sure there were gifts of all different prices on the list, or should I just not bother with a list at all?

Seems like there's just no pleasing some people

megglevache · 05/02/2013 17:58

Yanbu

SpicyPear · 05/02/2013 18:00

Elephant it's fine to have a gift list as long as you make a lot of fuss about how you didn't really want one but people kept asking etc. It's admitting you want the goodies and are relishing the opportunity to milk friends and family for household items that is bad form.

Maryz · 05/02/2013 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpicyPear · 05/02/2013 18:01

That really needed an Smile at the end.

Maryz · 05/02/2013 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKoala · 05/02/2013 18:06

Having said that we had no gift list and hardly any fucker bought us a thing. They came along had free booze and food all day and fucked off without so much as a kiss my arse!

ratbagcatbag · 05/02/2013 18:07

I asked for money in our wedding invites, however no poem, something along the lines of "we have decided nit to do a gift list as after seven years together we have everything for our home, what is important to us is your presence at our wedding so we can share our special day with you, if you wish to still give something, a contribution towards a meal on our honeymoon would be lovely, however it is not expected. Can't remember exact words, most people hae money, some none and others bought gifts. It totally didn't matter to us, but after having a birthday bash where I got around30 bottles of wine and chocs, it was safer to direct people to something we would like. I'm more than happy to get gift lists or money requests. Poems are cheesy though.

TheElephantIsADaintyBird · 05/02/2013 18:08

Would it not just be easier to say in the invite that we've set up a gift list? I couldn't give a monkeys if anyone turned up empty handed but the lis is there for those that do want to get us something.

Do I just write something along the lines of "please come to our wedding on blah blah date at blah blah venue. Here's a gift list we made, no pressure if you don't want to get anything though." As long as it doesn't rhyme I'm good to go, right?

Porkster · 05/02/2013 18:09

I think twee little requests for money are the height of vulgarity.

In fact, I think people that already live together or have been married before shouldn't ask for anything.

We had a list, at a store. If anyone wanted to buy from it, they contacted my parents for details.

(I realise it probably sounds like I got married in 1950. It was the late 90s)

stargirl1701 · 05/02/2013 18:12

I had a 'Show of Presents' about 3 months after the wedding where everyone could see (&touch) all the gifts from the gift list. This went down very well with the older guests.

Trills · 05/02/2013 18:13

I think it is much easier to include on the bit of paper with useful details (that comes in the envelope with the invitation) "we are John Lewis #123456 if you'd like to get us a gift" rather than "call my mum on 07123 456789 if you'd like to get us a gift".

jellybeans · 05/02/2013 18:14

Doesn't bother me.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/02/2013 18:15

elephant - no, people will love you if you do a gift list.

Why not just send a link to a website with details of how to get to the venue and a gift list on there? Or send a postcard for them to RVSP on with a message saying if people want any further details please get in touch.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/02/2013 18:16

trills - well, I am with you there.

'Call my mum' ... isn't that doubly rude, giving the mum and job to do as well?

Trills · 05/02/2013 18:16

I know a couple who had two versions of that piece of paper:
one with a gift list of actual items, for older relatives who would like to buy a thing
one with a suggestion of honeymoon donation, for younger friends who were happy to use the money that they would have spent on a gift in whatever way would make them happiest

Trills · 05/02/2013 18:18

How is a link to a website useful - you're still saying "here is my gift list", you're just making it slightly harder for people to get to it?

DoesItComeInBlack · 05/02/2013 18:19

I'm getting married soon, and whilst I'd love cash ( really need new curtains for the dining room or a honeymoon would be a treat) it just seems really cheeky and entitled to ask for anything, esp using a cheesy poem. So no list, no poem - I'll just be grateful and genuinely appreciate anything I get

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/02/2013 18:20

The difference is that if you send a gift list in a personalized invitation, you're putting people on the spot individually.

If you put a link on a website, it is fairly obvious you mean it as a general piece of info.

The bottom line is, you don't want to make people who genuinely can't afford stuff feel shit. That's really all it is. I know some people would rather their mates didn't splash out on coming at all if they're not well off, but there is no way to make that feel nice for people. So it's much better not to make individuals feel you might expect a gift from them. IMO.

Trills · 05/02/2013 18:26

I don't agree with your distinction (obviously).

The piece of paper with info on contains all kinds of info that may not be necessary for everyone to know - not everyone needs to stay over, not everyone will need driving directions. It is a general piece of paper with info for those who want or need it. You just ignore the info that does not apply to you.

I think that if you feel shit because the information has been included, when most of the people receiving the information will be glad of it, then that's your problem.

If you feel that the people inviting you to their wedding will think badly of you for not getting them a gift then that is an issue with your relationship with them, not an issue with what information they include alongside the invitation.

Porkster · 05/02/2013 18:27

We didn't put any reference to our list or telephone numbers on our invite. I didn't even want to have one, but that idea stressed my mum out too much.

We went to a wedding last summer (2nd for both) where they said no presents and no cash in their invitation. But as an alternative, they suggested guests could donate to their local hospice on the day.

It was refreshing after a glut of naff poems asking for cash.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/02/2013 18:33

Fair enough, trills.

I do think there is a big difference between information about places to stay, and asking people to give you money or a present. But then, I do care quite a lot about people feeling bad about money because I know I have quite a lot of not-well-off mates. I probably wouldn't think about it much if I knew lots of people who're better off.

OTOH, if people think badly of me because I don't get them an expensive enough present, frankly, I would rather not know them. I don't think it's 'an issue with my relationship with them' - it's because they're rude.

fackinell · 05/02/2013 18:53

Oooh this just reminded me of a wedding I went to, exes friend, hated the girl!!

They had a cardboard box at the main door which was pointed out on arrival. Later in the evening, the bride walked around with it asking individuals if they had contributed and if not, would they?

She also did an old 'Scottish tradition' (that this Scot has never heard of) which involved the men giving her money to lift her dress and the women giving her money to put it down.

Gave her fuck all but was tempted to take €50 out the box to pay for the cab back from the back arse of beyond!!