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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to detest the poems requesting money as a wedding gift?

293 replies

Moominlandmidwinter · 05/02/2013 14:38

We've been invited to three weddings in the last year. Each invitation has included a vomit-inducing poem about how the bride and groom want money as a wedding gift. Is there really any need? I didn't have a gift list or any other kind of mention about what we would like included with the invitations when I married three years ago. We found that the majority of guests gave us money or vouchers anyway. It just feels so grabby. Will stick a fiver in the card though Wink.

OP posts:
Summerblaze · 06/02/2013 01:28

YANBU. I hate the poems.

For my wedding we had a small book with presents of all prices, most under £50 but some for as little as £5 to give to people when they asked if there was anything we wanted. They then ripped the page out of the book.

There was no mention at all about presents in the invite. IMO its rude to ask for any gifts but helpful to have one in case people ask.

And we really needed stuff as we didn't live together before we married.

loofet · 06/02/2013 02:26

Ugh, yanbu.

My DM got an invitation like this once. I remember reading it finding it A) corny as fuck and B) exceptionally rude. It was a rhyme about having a kettle and toaster so they'd just like money or something.

For me you accept what you're given. If you don't need/want the gift stick it on ebay. So grabby to send out invites basically demanding money. I'd rebel and hope everyone would do the same- either not give them anything or buy them lame gifts Grin

Its different if people ask what you want and you say money but to just demand it is another thing.

HecateWhoopass · 06/02/2013 06:50

No, MrsK. Of course I wouldn't go to a wedding without a gift. That's not the done thing either Grin

HecateWhoopass · 06/02/2013 06:52

MrsK. Just saw your second post. Your family/friends were arses. Any event that ends with two people being legally joined is a wedding! even when it's not called a wedding, it's still the same thing! A contract legally obligating and binding both parties. mmmm. last of the great romantics, me Grin

ithaka · 06/02/2013 07:21

I have to agree the 'getting 7 toasters' is a cliche rather than a reality. Anyway, if your marriage lasts for life , you may well get through them all.

I think we got about 3 toasters when we married (20 years ago) and we used them all - toasters don't last forever! We felt quite sad a few years ago when we had to finally buy our own toaster as we didn't have a wedding spare in the loft.

In fact, we have pretty much worked our way through all the canteens of cutlery, pots and pans, tea towels etc we were given over the years. Maybe the couples that ask for money aren't really expecting the marriage to last much longer than the honeymoon....

soverylucky · 06/02/2013 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GooseyLoosey · 06/02/2013 08:47

There was a similar thread a few years ago. Prior to that I had no idea that such things existed, however I wrote my own for the occasion:

I can't really be bothered with a list
And I am paying for you to get pissed
I know that you won't give us much
Its not as though we've kept in touch

And you really do have awful taste
So any present would be a waste
I have never liked the things you buy
And just this once don't want to try

So lets abandon all pretence
Come on, you know that it makes sense
Please don't give us lots of trash
What we want is hard earned cash

GooseyLoosey · 06/02/2013 08:51

Elephant - just to reassure you, a list is fine. Every wedding I have been to in recent years has a list and I have never thought twice about it. It saves me agonising over a gift.

Original poster
Moominlandmidwinter · 06/02/2013 08:55

Mrskoala, how mean of your family Sad.

Personally, I don't mind the mention of a gift list, or a simple note saying that cash would be preferred, it's the poems that annoy me.

The worst gift list I heard of was linked to the couples honeymoon, things such as, 'a helicopter flight' and 'a two-day safari'. The prices were per person, so the gift-buyer would feel compelled to purchase two of whatever. My friend (the wedding guest), looked for the cheapest thing, and it was £85. She bought them a lovely photo album instead, with a note attached saying that they could use it for their honeymoon photos.

Although we didn't mention gifts in our invitations, if people asked what we'd like, we did say that vouchers would be great, but also said that if they saw something they liked themselves, then that would be brilliant. We ended up with £1200 in vouchers and cash (including currency for our honeymoon), and few bottles of champagne and wine (very gratefully received Grin, a clock, a couple of vases, a dinner service, some photo albums and frames, and a huge scented candle. Not a toaster in sight Smile.

We will of course give a cash gift to the couple in question, but how much to give? Don't wish to appear tight, but we can't afford much at the moment either!

On the subject of greed, have been thinking a lot about the first ever baby shower I attended at the weekend....a whole new thread, I think.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominlandmidwinter · 06/02/2013 08:56

Oh, and love the rhymes! Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominlandmidwinter · 06/02/2013 08:57

(that was meant for meddie and Goosey- wasn't trying to contradict myself!)

OP posts:
Toomuchtea · 06/02/2013 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PavlovtheCat · 06/02/2013 09:01

It annoys me that people bitch and moan about how others choose to have their wedding - 'i didn't do that at my wedding' which is obviously better than what they are doing so why don't they just copy me?

Who cares how they chose to ask? I am astounded by how much negativity people choosing to get married produces. How unkind and ungracious. You have been invited to share a special and intimate day 3 times this year, so clearly 3 couples think you are special enough to invite you and you don't like the way the invitation is worded. Get over it and just be like 'oooh a wedding, how lovely!'

YABU.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2013 09:01

Yuck. Instant decline from us.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2013 09:04

'You have been invited to share a special and intimate day 3 times this year, so clearly 3 couples think you are special enough to invite you and you don't like the way the invitation is worded. Get over it and just be like 'oooh a wedding, how lovely!'

Barf! 'Special' 'Intimate' 'It's their day'. People who use these poems and make it clear they want cash as a gift in an invite don't find guests special.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2013 09:08

'Hate requests for money with a passion, poem or no poem. Its akin to charging an entry fee. If you cant afford your honeymoon or need to recoup the costs of the wedding then cut back or save for longer rather than expect guests to pay.'

Too right! The roundabout way of touting for money - buy us a honeymoon.

If you have everything you need then you don't need gifts.

PavlovtheCat · 06/02/2013 09:10

I disagree expat I was not much of a bridezilla, and spent more time making making sure DH and I celebrated with our friends and catered for their needs so they could be part of our day (to the point of being in wellies hanging fairy lights outside where we were having our reception at 11am on the day of our wedding, and not giving myself enough time to get dressed!) Of course it was 'our day' but, we didn't just invite any old people. Only those who we thought would really want to see us get married, it was very special and yes "barf' but, that's the point isn't it? Romantic, beautiful, happy, with people who give a shit around you. So, not everyone makes it about them.

As it happens, we had no poem, and asked for no presents, or money, just that people came and had a bloody good time. but that was how we wanted it. a friend recently asked for no presents, but a donation to a named charity at an amount of our choosing, and put a pot by where cards were put, so people could put what they felt comfortable with, without outing themselves - lovely. but they wrote their request in a poem. It was still a lovely and very romantic wedding and they made sure the wedding was for everyone to enjoy, so it was not only about them either.

ENormaSnob · 06/02/2013 09:11

When I get a cash request I never think oh a wedding, how lovely.

I think, shit, that's gonna be £££ that I don't really want to spend on someone else's big day.

Give me an invitation to a local, bring a dish type wedding anyday and I'll be all over it.

PavlovtheCat · 06/02/2013 09:12

and that's exactly what I mean about negative attitudes towards weddings. Either a) you like that person and want to go and celebrate their day, so do it, and do as you wish re presents whatever they ask for or b) you are not really that bothered so don't go.

Either way, a wedding IS meant to be special, and it really shouldn't be so complicated. Either do what they ask or don't.

Toomuchtea · 06/02/2013 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 06/02/2013 09:20

What's negative is assuming the people you invite need to have it spelled out to them what to gift you, because they're all going to buy your kettles and toasters. Or assuming the price of your guests celebrating your 'special day' should be your honeymoon.

PavlovtheCat · 06/02/2013 09:20

I thought it was the vomit inducing poem as much as the money.

I just do as I please anyway. If it is someone close, I buy them a present and tell them so, if it is someone I don't know so well, I give them cash as I would prefer not to get a present that will be stuck in a cupboard, forgot who gave it to them.

madoldbird · 06/02/2013 09:20

"Thank you for the invite,
You two are great.
We'd really love to be there,
And hopefully won't be late.
Too poor to give a gift though,
Hope this doesn't appall.
But as you love rhymes so much,
Frame this and stick it on the wall."

searching4serenity · 06/02/2013 09:23

I panic if there is no gift list... !

If no gift list number is readily available I sometimes struggle to buy something & frankly could do without the hassle of worrying what to get; as I would never go to a wedding empty-handed....

Can't stand cash requests. Barf. Poems are just embarrassing! Just don't do it!

PavlovtheCat · 06/02/2013 09:23

I have never been to a wedding with a wish list either. But, then most of my friends either have not got married or have had 'alternative' weddings.