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AIBU?

Teenage ds (18) "I might bring a girl home tonight"

159 replies

marriedinwhite · 01/02/2013 20:28

DS just 18 - not had a serious girlfriend - didn't know he had one now. Just dropped him and in the car (I know, I know - he's 18 and has his own car but he's partying and he was late) he announced "I might bring a girl home tonight" I said really and where will she sleep and he said in his room. I said "I didn't know you had a girlfriend" and he said they had a bit of a thing going and I know he's had sex so what's the issue.

He took me by surprise and I said no because we don't know her, we don't know anything about her and it needs to be properly discussed with dad as well as with me. He was a bit meh said thank God he would be at uni soon but took it quite well and said thank you for the lift. I did say that if she came back with him that was fine but it was on the understanding that she slept in the guest room and he slept in his bedroom and didn't visit the guest room.

Oh bugger. What to do? He has a 14 year old sister and not sure I'm ready for this out of the blue. Fraaaaaaank are you there?

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GetOrf · 02/02/2013 08:58

I agree there are some odd attitudes towards teenagers on mumsnet (usually by people with 6 year olds who find teenagers positively scary).

Married I think you just got surprised when your son asked you. I think it's probably better if you meet thr girl beforehand, may be nicer for her as well rather than waking up in the same house with all the embarrassment of meeting her boyfriend's mum for the first time at breakfast.

DD brings mates back all the time - most of her friends are boys so often come home to a sitting room full of great big lollopping lads (I love it). And she had a bf for 2 years, he stayed round in her bed from when she was 16. But I did know her bf - I think that helps.

I hate your house, your rules. It's her house as much as mine. She isn't an entitled brat - she is my kid. Not a bloody lodger either.

BettySuarez · 02/02/2013 09:10

I wonder if I won't be quite as laid back when my sons want to bring daughters home?

With my daughters, I feel more relaxed because I know that I can talk to them quite openly about sexual health and contraception.

With my sons, I can do the same to a certain extent but have no remit over their girlfriends. I would probably end up feeling quite anxious about the girlfriend and her personal well-being.

BettySuarez · 02/02/2013 09:11

That should read 'when my sons want to bring girlfriends home

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 02/02/2013 09:22

I agree with usual
I don't have teenagers yet but DM would let us have boyfriends to stay over in our rooms from the age of 16. She would rather us be in the comfort and safety of our own home than in some car park / field / back alley somewhere.

jamdonut · 02/02/2013 09:46

I have a 20 year old son living at home. He ca't have girlfriends stay over.
That is because he has no choice but to share a room with his 12 and a half year old brother.
I wouldn't be very happy about non-long term girlfriends staying over,even if we had the room to accomodate them.

13Iggis · 02/02/2013 09:59

it's the aspect of bringing a stranger home that I wouldn't like, so I would let a girlfriend stay over but not a one night stand.
^^ this
It is odd surely that the first time you meet someone important in your ds's life is when she stays over. Why not start with coming round for pizza or whatever? Also, are you then responsible for the young woman? Do you need to check what age she is, if her parents know where she is etc?

thebody · 02/02/2013 10:21

We had all this with dss now in 20s. We have dds younger and also felt need to protect them and to see how their brothers treated girls iucwim.

Anyway as long as we knew the girl beforehand and they were in a relationship and obviously over 16 we said it was ok as long as no overt 'noise' lol.

Funny now as dds are young teens and we discussing this with their brothers... Amazingly enough they are dead against us allowing the girls the same freedoms and so is dh!!

Bless them, I will make sure our dds are treated just the same but was amused at the prevailing double standards.

Op think you acted very responsibly and it is indeed your house.

mrsbunnylove · 02/02/2013 10:26

if you want to mate, build your own den.

Locketjuice · 02/02/2013 10:38

My partner walked me into his house at 11.30 and said oh this is locketjuice she's staying round.. That's my parents by the way, his dad replied with fuck i thought he was gay.. It was awkward

thebody · 02/02/2013 10:40

Lock, that's hilarious.

InNeedOfBrandy · 02/02/2013 10:51

I agree with usual like usual say something I don't agree with you on for once please

FastidiaBlueberry · 02/02/2013 11:01

How extraordinary that your husband and sons have such double standards thebody.

Why? Do they say what the cause of their hypocrisy is?

marriedinwhite · 02/02/2013 11:08

With all these strangers round the breakfast table comments I now have visions of all MNet families arriving at a set breakfast table with honey, jam and marmalade arrAnged next tO the teapot milk jug and sugar bowl.

Really can't quite see DS and GF arriving to take their seats at the formal Saturday morning brekfast. What time do you all have it?

In our house it would go something like - can I have a tenner mum, coz me and g/f fancy going to Starbucks. I might say I can make you a bacon sarnie and coffee here and am pretty sure it wd be "no you're OK" and they would scarper before a conversation could take place. Prob at about 11.30.

Anyway, lots of intl rugby to keep all the boys happy today. About to go underground so will check back later.

OP posts:

PureQuintessence · 02/02/2013 11:15

So he respected your wishes then.

I will never forget being 18, and bringing a bloke home. Not because he was a boyfriend, but because he lived far away from town and lost his bus, and I lived in walking distance. He was basically just going to crash until morning. (Neither of us were drunk) I put a note up inside my parents bedroom door (so they could see it when getting up) saying:

"Mum, I have a visitor, do not check on me at 4 am as you usually do"

My naive and innocent self just did not quite realize how this would look!

Poor mum. She respected my wishes, but she had not slept much between 4 am and 9 am when I got up.

GetOrf · 02/02/2013 11:20

Oh god married I don't even eat breakfast. Me and dd just generally hiss at each other in the mornings and shout 'where's my bloody key' etc. I do assume that all other mothers on MN make muffins a la NIgella and I am just a scumbag, though.

ChestyLeRoux · 02/02/2013 11:22

Most of my girls friends were allowed boyfriends to sleep round from age 16, and boy friends were allowed girlfriends from age 18 as they mature slower.However most of those actually met in the day first before they were allowed.

PureQuintessence · 02/02/2013 11:22

I was a bit Nigella this morning. I made Tudor Jelly in individual portions in little glass jars after breakfast!

Annunziata · 02/02/2013 11:26

He sounds a lovely boy OP, glad he respected your wishes.

We have breakfast together at half ten.

LadyFlumpalot · 02/02/2013 11:27

I once asked a lad I vaugely knew into my mums house for a cup of coffee. I genuinely meant a cup of coffee as he had been a sweetie and given me a lift home. (Yes, I know, I was young and stupid)

I directed him to the living room and went to make a cuppa, came back with the coffee and he was naked. In my mums living room!

Seems he read a lot more into "would you like a cup of coffee?" Than I thought possible.

No, he did not get lucky, in fact he barely got his boxers back on before I propelled him out the front door.

FastidiaBlueberry · 02/02/2013 11:28

God some people on this thread are posh.

Breakfast together at a specific time...

Tudor jelly...

The only thing we have regular is Grill Graham at 10.30.

usualsuspect · 02/02/2013 11:29

My weekend mornings sound like Marrieds and Georfs. I admit I'm a scumbag too though.

My DS never surfaces till about midday. Makes tea for him and whoever crashed here and buggers off back upstairs.

exoticfruits · 02/02/2013 13:19

I think that all it boils down to is that some people are comfortable with 'open house' and some are not. By 18yrs your DCs will have worked out which category you fall into.

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kalidanger · 02/02/2013 13:32

The only time I EVER had a bf to stay at my parents (awkward out-of-the-way place) was when I was 30, he was 34 and we lived together. We were drunk, we made the bed squeak and we got back up and got a taxi home. I still cringe about it

TiddlyOmPomPom · 02/02/2013 14:43

I think MiW did the right thing considering it was sprung on her so out of the blue - he didn't say "I might bring back tonight", just a 'girl', which makes it sound very one night standish and kind of skanky.
He doesn't appear to have even mentioned her before, that's what stands out to me! Maybe if he'd been talking about her regularly, like "I'm meeting Jenny in town/to see a film/going to the pub with Jenny" etc etc then MiW would have been ok with her coming over without having met her before.

Have just discussed the theory overnight guests with DH (DS is only 20mo so not really a pressing issue), and he agrees that we wouldn't be happy with randoms, but would be ok with G/BFs we'd met or heard about!

marriedinwhite · 02/02/2013 14:59

Just texted him to say when we know who she is and have met her dad says it's fine providing you don't make a noise. Proper gf fine; one night stand not fine. And you must wear a condom :). Suspect it's been going on since New Year's eve - keen to go home and find out who it is.

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