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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU and PFB? I don't think i was.

226 replies

fuckitfuckitfuckit · 30/01/2013 14:03

I was visiting a neighbour who has a DD a similar age as mine, her DD is 13 months, my DD is 10 months.
The DDs were playing side by side with us sat on the sofa drinking tea, when my DD bit her DD, cue screaming.
Before i had chance to react, my neighbour picked up my DD and said 'no, you don't bite.' and bit her on the arm saying 'see, how do like it?' cue DD crying.
I saw red, and snatched DD back and shouted 'What the hell do you think your doing?' and walked out.
She then sent me a text saying that she was sorry she upset me but babies need to learn and has just sent one saying she's really sorry but she thinks i totally over reacted and that it wasn't that hard a bite and it didn't leave a mark.
I'm still angry at her.
I don't think i was BU but i know I've been a bit PFB before, so wibu? AIBU to not want to see her again?

OP posts:
Brideandgloom · 31/01/2013 13:25

Why would the health visitor be calling and telling you if she has concerns about children that are not related to you? She has to maintain confidentiality.
Also, how could anyone surmise that the other children are at risk from this one incident??

I think your neighbour was stupid. I think she reacted without any thought at all and was completely wrong to do so but that does not make her a serial child abuser.

ShephardsDelight · 31/01/2013 13:25

OMG YANBU,

I can't believe she bit her , is your DD ok?

atacareercrossroads · 31/01/2013 13:26

Bit off of the hv to be gossiping about her though, I'm surprised about that

CarlingBlackMabel · 31/01/2013 13:27

I am interested to know why on earth it even crossed your mind that it might be PFB or Unreasonable to react to a fully grown adult deliberately biting you baby.

It was horrific at worst and uacceptable at best on a number of levels:

EVER biting a baby
Misunderstanding of a baby's level of cause and effect consciousness
Choosing to 'discipline' someone else's child
Employing painful, violent 'discipline'

You didn''t really think you were being PFB, did you? Has your ex / DD's father taken away your self esteem and belief in your own judgement?

Anyway, good for you, telling her what's what, and especially telling the HV.

CailinDana · 31/01/2013 13:27

I am really surprised your HV told you there are concerns about your neighbour's children - giving out information like that to an unrelated person is a serious breach of confidentiality that could get her fired. The most she should have told you was that she'd mentioned it was dealing with it.

IneedAsockamnesty · 31/01/2013 13:27

You have done the right thing.

Fwiw it did used to be common practice in some households before the early 70's and anybody who still uses that excuse and does it clearly needs support and guidance about there parenting as its now accepted as unacceptable behaviour, what's the line that's coming to mind

Something about they used to feed Christians to the lions but that don't make it right.

valiumredhead · 31/01/2013 13:28

HV wasn't gossiping, she agreed the OP was right to be concerned about the woman's child. Which she is, that's fact not gossip.

MrsVJDay · 31/01/2013 13:29

This thread gets weirder - not sure I believe that a HV would phone back to say there were concerns about neighbours DC...

MrsMushroom · 31/01/2013 13:30

HVs are under strict confidentiality guidelines.....she'd have to be stupid to tell you that OP. I'm not sure I believe it tbh. Unless the HV in question is unaware of the rules which govern HVs.

Doubtful.

atacareercrossroads · 31/01/2013 13:31

Infact, if the hv rang you to tell you this then shes also waaaay overstepped the mark. The neighbour is also a victim now imo

CailinDana · 31/01/2013 13:32

It's not an issue of gossiping valium - if there were concerns about your children would you be ok with the HV telling your neighbour?

atthewelles · 31/01/2013 13:34

I agree the HV should be more discreet. She told the OP she would have a word with the neighbour. That is all the OP is entitled to know.

valiumredhead · 31/01/2013 13:35

From what the OP has posted I read it as the HV saying 'Yes you were right to be concerned' rather than 'I have visited and from what I have seen you were right to be concerned'

atacareercrossroads · 31/01/2013 13:35

The hv was absolutely gossiping. Ringing op to discuss what's her and the neighbour spoke about, and implying there are other concerns? Big fat gossip.

Don't get me wrong, the neighbour is a fucker, but she still has a right to confidentiality

CailinDana · 31/01/2013 13:37

Valium - the HV called after she had visited and said "sadly" the OP was right to be concerned, which to me clearly says the HV felt that on the basis of the visit.

SouthernComforts · 31/01/2013 13:38

HV's do gossip. I reported one for gossiping to a friend of mine that my dd wasn't being brought up by her real dad!! Shock a) not true and b) none of her business

LittleChimneyDroppings · 31/01/2013 13:39

Well done op.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 31/01/2013 13:39

Just to warn you the HV may well go to SS. I once expressed a few concerns to my HV and she told me she had to report them. Sure enough SS did go round to the persons house within a few days.

CarlingBlackMabel · 31/01/2013 13:41

The neighbour sounds like a maniac. I found it distressing how many MN-ers on a recent thread thought that biting a child back was standard discipline for biting, but not one person even amongst those, gave an indication that biting someone else's baby was an acceptable thing to do.

And any health professional would be well trained in never giving any kind of feedback about another patient / client. Breach of professional boundaries, whatever the rights or wrongs.

CarlingBlackMabel · 31/01/2013 13:43

Wouldn't a HV seek advice from a superior before even broaching biting another baby with the alleged perpertrator, given the obvious CP issues? Hmm

AlphaBeta2012 · 31/01/2013 13:45

She was totally, utterly and completely out of order. I think you reacted with absolute restrain and control in the situation! I know I can be a little PFB but my goodness I would have gone mad!!!

MrsMushroom · 31/01/2013 13:54

carling I don't think so...unless he/she had no ability to work under their own instincts. The biting of a baby is an assault. Clearly.

waltermittymissus · 31/01/2013 14:15

HV could have been calling to assure OP that she'd spoken about the incident and probably said she was following up, OP coukd have put 2 and 2 together.

If she does get SS involved it's only right. Not so that they'll come sweeping in and steal her children! If she needs parenting help then she'll get it now (hopefully).

I don't know if she's "gossiping" since OP had a concern about her own child.

CarlingBlackMabel · 31/01/2013 14:30

MrsMushroom - it is not about instincts or defining assault (I agree with you, by the way, that it was assault) it's about the protocols you follow if you are the recipient of a disclosure which has CP implications. But I do not know what HV protocols are. In my orgnaisation if an employee received a disclosure about alledged assault there would be a set procedure and it wouldn't involve nipping straibht next door to the alledged perpertrator and saying 'oi, did you bite so and so's baby'. An official procedure would kick in.

StripeyBear · 31/01/2013 14:59

If it is true (which I doubt), I don't think much of your HV.

Irrespective of what she might personally feel reasonable, she has a duty of care to the other mother, and should not be divulging details of her discussion with the other mother. She certainly shouldn't be voicing concerns about another child to someone who has nothing to do with it. Shocking. Just shocking.

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