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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU and PFB? I don't think i was.

226 replies

fuckitfuckitfuckit · 30/01/2013 14:03

I was visiting a neighbour who has a DD a similar age as mine, her DD is 13 months, my DD is 10 months.
The DDs were playing side by side with us sat on the sofa drinking tea, when my DD bit her DD, cue screaming.
Before i had chance to react, my neighbour picked up my DD and said 'no, you don't bite.' and bit her on the arm saying 'see, how do like it?' cue DD crying.
I saw red, and snatched DD back and shouted 'What the hell do you think your doing?' and walked out.
She then sent me a text saying that she was sorry she upset me but babies need to learn and has just sent one saying she's really sorry but she thinks i totally over reacted and that it wasn't that hard a bite and it didn't leave a mark.
I'm still angry at her.
I don't think i was BU but i know I've been a bit PFB before, so wibu? AIBU to not want to see her again?

OP posts:
countrykitten · 31/01/2013 11:48

Telling the police is NOT an over reaction FGS. This woman BIT HER BABY!

MrsMushroom · 31/01/2013 11:54

drjohnson it also used to be commonplace to alllow teachers to hit children with books, canes, board dusters and slippers.

It's not anymore.

Just because something WAS commonplace does not mean we should forgive someone if they do it to our child.

drjohnsonscat · 31/01/2013 12:02

I'm not advocating forgiveness. I'm just saying it's possible she thought, along with many many other people (inferring from the number of references to this practice in childcare advice) that this was the "right" approach to biting.

Teachers are extensively trained so would know that this is not acceptable but there are many people out there who had different upbringings to you and me. Maybe she remembered her grandma doing it to her or a little cousin and didn't really think it through. She should have done but she obviously isn't big on the latest thinking re childcare.

MrsMushroom · 31/01/2013 12:07

Well perhaps she needs a short sharp shock then drjohnson then she'd learn.

Original poster
fuckitfuckitfuckit · 31/01/2013 12:11

HV was shocked and appalled (her words) and said she'd have a word about appropriate(sp?) discipline and boundaries.
I also said that a was a bit worried about her DDs, that if she can bite my DD what does she do to hers. HV said she'd look into it.

OP posts:
drjohnsonscat · 31/01/2013 12:12

fine. Maybe the OP should call the police on her. Personally I would think that's an overreaction but that's just my opinion.

I could imagine a situation where she did this naively without thinking and I've given some evidence of this being a relatively common misapprehension. So like another poster down thread I'm not that surprised. I've said repeatedly I wouldn't stand for it but apparently that doesn't count unless you jump on the call the police bandwagon.

BornToFolk · 31/01/2013 12:16

I could imagine a situation where she did this naively without thinking

Really?! You can imagine how a person would bite another person's baby without thinking? Even if she thought this was an appropriate method of disciplining she still stepped way over the line by disciplining someone else's child when they were sitting right there.

I'm actually not sure whether I think calling the police is an overreaction or not. I think talking to the HV was appropriate though.

NellyBluth · 31/01/2013 12:25

The HV being involved sounds good - I agree with some of the other posters that involving the police is a bit of an overreaction, but having the HV talk to the mum is a good compromise. Like you said, if she thinks it is appropriate to bite someone else's DC, what methods of discipline is she using at home?

MrsMushroom · 31/01/2013 12:29

DrJohnson you didn't need to "give evidence" of this being a fairly common thing...however....this is a BABY we're talking about. Not a naughty 3 year old (though that's not much better) also this baby was not even the biter's own!

She needs some serious talking to about her actions.

Why she did is not of real concern to me...she bit someone elses BABY.

OP I am so glad you told the HV.

BacardiNCoke · 31/01/2013 12:42

Jesus fucking christ! Shock Tell her actually you under reacted and actually how would she like it if you bit her! Cheeky bitch!

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail · 31/01/2013 12:45

Did the HV say she'd get back to you OP?

Catchingmockingbirds · 31/01/2013 12:48

I think the OP handled it all very well.

valiumredhead · 31/01/2013 12:49

This is like a script from Emmerdale! Shock

I would have been furious - glad you told the HV.

DreamingofSummer · 31/01/2013 12:54

Any police officers on here? What would your reaction be to having this reported to you?

drjohnsonscat · 31/01/2013 12:55

well that's my point Mrs Mushroom. I have heard of people doing this to their own child to help them understand the problem. It doesn't of course but that's not the point. Most children bite just to explore and have, of course, no idea that it is painful. So the thinking goes, why not show them that it hurts then they definitely won't do it again. Just a little nip - they'll feel it and they won't do it again (in theory). it doesn't work but it really did used to be quite commonplace which is why I knew I'd easily find references to it. Some posters seem astonished by that but it didn't really surprise me as an approach.

It would never be the right approach but it does make it even worse that a) this was a baby so completely unaware and unable to understand the sudden pain and b) not a family member so not someone who ought to be managing the baby's biting anyway (which is anyway unmanageable at this age).

I'm not disagreeing with any of that at all. I'm fully in agreement that it was the wrong thing to do and it makes her sound impulsive and a bit nutty. But I'm just trying to share that I am already aware of this practice and I don't think it's that uncommon as a misguided attempt at teaching something. But OP should definitely avoid. The biter's text messages make it clear she's not open to other opinions on what she did so OP should steer clear.

Original poster
fuckitfuckitfuckit · 31/01/2013 13:02

HV just phoned, she said that she's spoken to neighbour and neighbour has said that she feels upset that she has upset me but apparently didn't mention that she felt it was wrong to bite DD. HV said that she would she would be 'following up' things and that she sadly felt that i was right to be concerned about neighbours' DDs. Sad

OP posts:
countrykitten · 31/01/2013 13:08

Bloody hell - that is not something you wanted to hear. Poor children. The HV possibly has a better insight than anyone so you did the right thing to mention it. I would now alert the police and say that you have passed the info on to the HV - if there are issues down the line you don't want to feel that you didn't tell them.

I feel a bit sick now. Poor children.

countrykitten · 31/01/2013 13:09

I hope that no-one else crawls back now and says that reporting her would be an over reaction. I found the reactions of some posters bewildering and shocking drjohnsonscat.

ChuffMuffin · 31/01/2013 13:12

Fucking hell fuckit.

Good for you for mentioning it to the HV though, if the HV has concerns then that'll set the wheels in motion.

Who the fuck bites a baby?!

waltermittymissus · 31/01/2013 13:13

Fucking hell!!

So there is some concern about her DC.

You did the right thing OP. well done.

atacareercrossroads · 31/01/2013 13:16

Someone did this to their own baby I'd be worried and probably tell them what I thought, but use my judgement as to whether to report them.

My own baby? Shed have a choice. Either I drop her where she stood, or police. Would be up to her which she preferred

valiumredhead · 31/01/2013 13:18

This was covered in the soap Emmerdale, iirc the woman who bit ended up arrested.

Inertia · 31/01/2013 13:19

What a horrible episode, glad to see that your daughter has no lasting effects.

I think you dealt with it appropriately, and at least now the HV is aware of the situation your neighbour should get access to some kind of parenting support.

FanFuckingTastic · 31/01/2013 13:21

Hope the HV is able to give the lady some support so that her child is okay.

Hurting babies is never acceptable.

HyvaPaiva · 31/01/2013 13:21

I'm so sorry your DD was bitten and that there are concerns for the neighbour's DD. You absolutely did the right thing, OP, and your actions are helping the neighbour's DD by bringing this inappropriate behaviour to light.

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