WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

[catgirl1976]

Background:

I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

Has he apologised for driving you into the ground, love ? Doe he understand that people in good physical and mental health who are getting enough rest don't tend to contract pneumonia ?

It's a start Catgirl,small steps.
But I'd give it a time limit, don't let him fall back to his old ways.

Yes. He has apologised. We've had a really open talk (rather emotional as you can imagine)

I do think I have got through, but it's just how long it lasts

I suppose in so many ways it's been easier for me to just go "oh...whatever" and not challenge stuff and I have got to keep going and doing the harder thing for the longer term, not the easy thing to just have tonight be ok. I'm just so bloody tired and busy it's hard not to but I'm determined not to let it slide like this. For all three of us.

We've arranged for my DM to have DS Friday night and to go out for a meal and have some time out and a proper talk. I've said I want time for me too, to go to the gym etc.

That sounds very positive- I hope you get back on track and start valuing yourself more, and that you still feel you can talk here if you continue to have problems. People do want to support you.

I think if he's still going to be drinking that amount 3 times a week and retaining his gaming addiction, the problems are unlikely to resolve easily. Also, if he doesn't agree he's depressed, then presumably he's accepting that it's sheer laziness and selfishness and isn't caused by poor mental health?

If you have been keeping up a front to others Cat, it might be worth considering some talking therapy of your own about why you have allowed yourself to tolerate this for so long.

I am glad he has apologised. He really needed to do that.

I hope you feel you can come back to this here if he slides again. I would also tell your mum exactly what you have talked about, even if you have avoided doing that before so she doesn't think badly of him. I suspect she has had his measure, and you need someone on your side to look for the signs of this being too much for you to deal with.

I think that's a good suggestion, Charbon.

I'm glad you've tackled it with him Catgirl. It sounds like he accepts things need to change and is prepared to do that. Now he needs to keep it up long term so that becomes the new normal and then it won't be an effort or something that will slip again. Good luck. X

glad that some of what you have said has sunk in.

If you are committed to staying together I think advice from the GP and marriage counsellors is a great way to go because people need to hear hard truths from people who aren't involved in the situation.

It would also mean that you aren't taking on the sole responsibility for his mental health and the state of your marriage along with everything else.

My brother suffers from depression sometimes - linked partly to being unhappy with his job - and things that have helped him include exercise, part time study and voluntary work. they have all kept him feeling like his life has a sense of direction, plus the volunteer work is potentially useful for job-hunting. i am not suggesting that study and volunteer work are definitely the way to go, but if he is not having much joy with freelancing then he needs to think of another approach.

I know how you feel about having a massive rant and everything being better for a bit. We have similar rows over domestic workload in our house (though more evenly matched in terms of paid work) - I think the problem is that you can't know things are going to pan out until you have children, and then once you do, every row becomes so much more loaded.

Hope things stay better!

Charbon - I will get someone counselling for myself. I think I need someone to talk to where I'm not worried about what they think (btw, you may be pleased to know I have learnt a lot from MN and revised a lot of my views. Not all mind. I'm not going to be using the term PIV in general conversation :) But I'm not as fuck-witted as I perhaps was. Still pretty fuck-witted, but I'm getting better )

LadyBeagle - I'm giving him a month to either get a job or the childcare changes and 1 week to decide on GP or counselling.

BOF - I absolutley feel I can come back here if I need to. You've all been brilliant

Ruby and Masikula - thank you. For all you support and advice

And AF. Thank you. You're a bloody star.

I wish I could invite everyone on this thread round for a big glass of wine! :)

Good luck. Keep strong and take care of yourself.

That's all very good news. Good luck, love.

I have to say I'm really impressed at how rational you sound OP. If I were you (and I kind of was, once, but it ended badly with me gibbering in the corner and on meds for a year!) I'd be raging or at the very least somewhat annoyed! You seem to be so calm and collected. I salute you.

We had a few spats, didn't we, Catgirl ?

I will Avon x Thank you

Che- thank you too. I think I sound calm as I'm too knackered to do emotion. I hope you are ok now

Charbon - thank you too

I'm signing off now x I;m going to get an early night

You are all bloody brilliant

I have only seen this and feel really glad that he's apologized and things have at least been actioned. Long may it last (sorry am long time mn but name changed).

Just wanted to add that I have a friend who sounds like you... Her dh doesn't work (or very little...) and she works full time, cook, look after dd on weekends (takes her to activities and even if there aren't planned activities she'll take dd to parks, libraries, church etc). Dh would go to the pub every Thursday evening. Spend money he doesn't have.

Dd would stay with the father in the morning whilst my friend goes to work. Dh's idea of watching the child is parking in front of tv. He doesn't do housework or cooking or shopping.

It drives a few of us mad.

Good luck.

Cat - the gym is a brilliant idea. Tbh it's what got my own DH through because not only was it something he is really good at, it gets the endorphins or whatever going and increases energy and etc etc all the stuff you know.

Hope you sleep well.

Cat - I started reading the thread this evening from the start, with your situation, so very similar to mine, screaming in my head (and it ain't pretty!). My DH is not a SAHD but works full time (as do I), and doesn't drink or play computer games (his 'vice' is sticking his earphones in and checking out absolutely and completely). The rest of it - DH to an absolute tee. I am a coper, and a bloody good one at that. You just get your head down and plough on because it's easier than the alternative.

I can see that you've updated, and that you're feeling in a slightly better and stronger place tonight. That's good. The only thing I want to reiterate (amongst so much sound advice) is something that leapt out at me from NoelHeadbands:

NoelHeadbandsMon 28-Jan-13 20:49:30

Rather you than me love.

Seriously you have to sort this out properly, else you'll simply burn yourself out. The resentment will build to be so much that it'll kill any feelings you have- really. Might take a year, might take five, but it will kill it.

Our DS is 5.9. I've been feeling as you do for his entire life. Yesterday, I finally realised that enough was enough - one little bicker over something thoughtless he had done gave me the resolve and the courage to finally speak my mind. The resentment had overtaken our relationship completely and there was actually no relationship left. There was no marriage. DH's unresolved depression and anxiety, his unwillingness to engage with family life, his preference to simply meander along in his own little world whilst I did Absolutely Fucking Everything was simply untenable.

Yesterday, we agreed to separate. Noel's prediction of the outcome of such a situation was absolutely spot on. There is no marriage to save.

If you believe there's hope for your marriage, sort it out now. I would hate to see you five years down the line offering your experience of a broken marriage to another unsuspecting soul.

If you need me, I'll be on the Separation/Divorce boards asking what in the hell I do now - but I can tell you that whatever the future holds for me and DS, it'll be a hell of a lot more palatable than the half life I've been subjecting myself to all these years.

I am totally to admit this, but a few years ago I was a lot like your DH.

I worked part time at a school (was home at noon every day) and was off June-September. I certainly fed and played with DS, but while he was napping or at an activity or watching TV or just playing I often did sweet FA.

I always did the laundry but rarely put it away, washed up when it got to dire proportions, and cleaned if we were having visitors. I did cook dinner most days but not always.

I just kind of got into a rut of just lazing around. DH tried to tell me he was unhappy but I would get angry and think it was just him wanting a "little woman" at home to do everything.

But he was right to be angry, and I was being a lazy bastard. I didn't play computer games but I spent oodles of time on Facebook and mumsnet.

I finally got it and am much better now. I was depressed but didn't know it. I feel much better now. :) So change is possible but he has to see he is in the wrong and truly want to do better.

I'm still at home during the day but I have to be up and dressed to drop DS at preschool, and then I'm very strict with myself about what has to be done by what time.

I also work evenings now (just 15-20 hrs a week) so I have to get my to-do list accomplished by the time I go to work.

We are much happier now. :)

Catgirl, I just wanted to wish you all the best. X

Catgirl that's a positive start. Hope you're feeling better and can get some rest tonight.

BigFatSpider sorry to hear about your separation- but fwiw you sound really strong and sure about it. All the best

My hubby stays at home while work and he does all the housework apart from the ironing which I do
He cooks through the week and I cook weekends
Seriously your dh is taking the piss