WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

[catgirl1976]

Background:

I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

If he truly loved and cherished you (as he may have promised you on your wedding day) he wouldn't behave like this. Even if he is depressed.

I think he's actually breaking some of those wedding vows tbh.

You have had some wonderful advice, which I cannot improve on. I sincerely hope that you heed it.

One thing I have not yet seen mentioned though. He drinks 1 and a half bottles of wine EVERY night. Please, please tell me that you do not get in a car with him or let him take your child in the car, at the very least until after lunchtime......EVER!. He will be over the limit. He will not have his full faculties.

He could quite easily cause an accident. Seriously injure or Kill you or your child. Don't sleepwalk into disaster!

I am so sad for Catgirl - a beautiful girl from looking at her profile.

'The less you do, the less you WANT to do.' tis a true phrase.

I would be tempted to remove the computer games so he had to get out of the house and move his butt!

Just because he cannot get the job he WANTS does not mean he should not try and get a job! Get him down the job centre at least looking for something.

1. Cut the booze. There is no more money for this excessive drinking.
2. Remove the computer games.
3. Sort out online shopping.

That is enough for now. But you do not need to live like this and if he does not like you treating him like a child, dont act like one. Or move out.

I've also read a lot of your posts Catgirl, and you always seem so together.
I think now you've written this one, you can't go back, or you're going to have the all your mumsnetter friends nagging you for ever more.
I also can't believe you've let this go so far, but I'm glad you've got it off your chest now, you can't live this way any more, it's totally unsustainable.

You are totally having the piss ripped out of you

Cocklodger of the highest order.

Are you happy with the example he is setting your ds?

he's drinking too much. drinking too much makes (most) people miserable and useless. i think he's clearly an arsehole, and i wouldn't give him house room, but if you are looking for a less effective extreme solution than actually chucking the lazy bastard the fuck out, you might try refusing to pay for the ten bottles of wine a week that he's drinking.

He is an alcoholic- If you remove the wine you will have money for driving lessons .

He would also be functional when your ds wakes and able to help out at home as a SAHP should. DH WOH and I am a SAHP. We get up at the same time to get the DD's sorted and him off to work. He makes all the packed lunches as I am doing physio for dd2 (20-30mins). But we share it.

You keep telling yourself he's good with ds but as others have already said what kind of role model is he? He's not there in the mornings because he's drunk too much the night before. (Surely he would still be over the limit dropping you at work if he was ever stopped? And I hope to god your ds is not in the car....

He REALLY needs to prioritise what is important in his life you and your dds or the alchol and computer games. If he can't do it alone he needs to see the GP. I think counseling atm would be a waste of money as he needs to sort himself out first, before you can even consider your relationship. Maybe you would benifit from individual counseling to work out why you feel you always have to be the coper and why you have accepted this relationship?

Good luck I think you will need it.

Thank you all for all the advice

It seems pretty unanimous and has given me a lot to think about

I'm shattered today as didnt really sleep last night and was up at 5:30 with DS and now at work

Some posts have touched me beyond belief. I feel very teary reading this thread

x

There are no words to describe just how unreasonable your DH is. Infact, he is a complete tosser.

You must be exhausted.

Is there any way you could get away for a couple days without DS, either alone so you can rest and think, or with DH if you think that would break him out of his rut?

It's hard to think and deal with stuff when you're exhausted and working.

Hi catgirl, I wanted to add my voice as a mostly lurker who has always seen your posts on many topics and thought you to be a strong, together woman. Like many, when I saw who was the OP of this post I was very shocked. I haven't seen any of your other threads about your husband so I was very shocked to see you being treated in such a way. I was so affected by your post last night I asked my husband this morning if he felt I did enough in the house as I would hate for anyone I love and who loves me to feel so belittled as you do. I've a few health problems myself at the moment (Anxiety) and DH is possibly doing more at the moment as a result to help me but as both FT working parents with a DS and house to manage, we're pretty equal on that spreadsheet!

My advice is much the same as previous posters. I'm so sorry you have, to quote you, "sleepwalked into this situation". I agree some immediate and drastic action may be required but you obvioiusly still love your husband and I can only imagine how hard it is to see this mirror held up to you. Talk to your Mum, you say she is horrified so none of this will be much of a surprise. Ask her advice and support. Someone earlier mentioned a very good plan for swapping around the days so that you can save your Wednesday for work. You need that WFH day but you need it to work and rest from your commute and a little downtime from being "on" all the time in the office. I WFH two days a week, DS goes to nursery. Times when I have had him with me - sickness, nursery training day, trying to spend a bit more time with him, etc, are exhausting and you can neither work nor look after DS properly.

You are trying to do what I have made myself ill doing and be everything to everyone all at the same time. And I have support from my husband. Please don't make yourself ill, stop it now and get some more support from your family.

Please take care.

Don't be teary, be angry with your H for abusing the love and faith you had in him to be an equal partner in your relationship. Perhaps he is depressed, perhaps he does have a drink problem. Either way, he has to want to sort these issues out.

I'd be asking him to sort them out away from you and your child.

Your life would be so much easier without him.

I don't know how he justifies the time he has at home alone.

I'm so sorry it's taken so long to realise what's happened (due to how busy you are).

No wonder you're tired. You're trying to fit the lives/tasks of two people into one person's body. You are probably so exhausted that you can't see the wood for the trees.

I don't know your backstory, but I would say this- based on the evidence so far, it doesn't sound as though he is going to have some kind of Damascene conversion where your words suddenly sink in and he renounces his lazy-arse ways. After all, who wouldn't want to lie in until mid morning then sit on their arse playing all day if somebody else did all the earning, childcare, cleaning, cooking, shopping, and laundry, and let them get away with petulant tantrums?

From the outside it looks straightforward:

-You work from home on the day that DS goes to your mum. That day is the day that DH can do the cleaning, after he's got up at 6.30 with DS to sort breakfast. No need to then pay a cleaner.

• DH looks after DS on the other days. No need for nursery if childcare is available and free.

• Do online shopping. Stop buying wine with it.

• Money saved on cleaners, nursery fees and wine can be spent on driving lessons for you. I'd consider putting the professional qualifications on ice for the time being if possible, in order to prioritise driving lesson time.

I've been the SAHP. And the time that I wasn't caring for DC due to them being at nursery was used to sort the housework and all the other household tasks. Your DH is not a SAHD if he only does one day of childcare.

If your DH has genuine depression then he needs to see a doctor and get help so that he's able to make a contribution to your family again. There is nothing at all wrong with being a SAHP , in many families where children's needs take precedence it may well be impossible for the SAHP to do housework too. But there's no excuse for being the SAHP and doing no actual parenting.

He's totally and utterly taking the piss, Catgirl. He's so accustomed to you carrying the entire weight of the finances, your son and your job that somehow he's got himself into a fucked up mindset where he thinks it's not only okay but perfectly reasonable that you should run yourself ragged while he sits on his arse playing computer games and drinking one and a half bottles of wine every night.

So what exactly DOES he bring to your relationship?

catgirl I hate to be a doom and gloom poster but I think the time for "please change" has long passed.

If you get through to him enough he may change his habits for a little while, just to shut you up going on about it. And then all the old shit will creep back in and the cycle will begin all over again.

If he really respected you and cared for you and wanted to be a life partner to you, he wouldn't be acting this way in the first place.

I second what others have said. He needs to leave. He's only useful one day a week and your mum would, I'm sure, cover that. Tell him to get out. Give yourself a chance to see things clearly without him.

IF he realises what he had and IF he is willing to change dramatically and permanently then there may be hope for you.

If not, I'm sorry to say, but I don't think you will have lost anything. He, however, will have to learn to actually be an adult and look after himself.

I'm sorry to go on but it won't get better continuing like this. Please know your worth and stick to your guns. Just because you CAN cope alone doesn't mean you should have to.

He really is taking the piss Catgirl. My unreconstructed dp cooked shepherd's pie last night, gets a meal on the table for us all when I get in from work, looks after dd, 2yo, full time, and ds when he's back from school.

Today dp, SAHD, is hoovering, sorting the washing, chopping wood and playing with/picking up after dd.

I'm not saying all this as some sort of stealth boast. This has been hard won, a real uphill struggle to get him to take on board all the aspects of a SAHP, but you know, reading your posts I am genuinely horrified at what you are having to do and having to put up with to get by. This is no life.

You must be very very strong indeed to keep going in the face of all this. I would have cracked-indeed I have cracked, many times. But my dp saw the wood for the trees eventually, and things are good. If he hadn't changed I would be in your position, Thing is, he wanted to change, and he did. I don't think your dp wants to, and you deserve so so much better girl x

Your DH must know how unfair he is being. I can't believe there's an adult alive who couldn't see the unfairness of the situation.

I wish you the best of luck, OP.

stop getting up with your DS.

from tomorrow morning, as soon as your DS wakes up, dump him in your bed for your H to deal with.

Go on a work-to-rule strike.
make your own food, wash your own clothes and have a set of pots/cutlery for your own personal use.

Stock the freezer with ready meals and eat them yourself.

don't do any more housework.
don't have your Wednesday work at home day - go out to work that day.

If you really have to, deal with DS's things, because I can see your H not even bothering with your joint child if you don't do it.
But I would be inclined to only wash DS's clothes and have frozen food in the freezer for him.

Catgirl I remember you as we have DC the same age.

There is absolutely no way DH would ever behave like this as he has our best interests at heart. I'm actually sick at home with a feverish cold today and he just got on with things and got DD up, breakfasted, nappy changed, clothes on and out the door to the CM.

In fact, I too have a bit of a martyr complex and it's only when I'm really not feeling great that I "allow" DH to show me how capable he is. He is always telling me to let him do more with DD as I get too protective.

Parenting should not be done in isolation and you are definitely doing way too much.

I'm wincing reading that from LaQueen, because regardless of the truth, I suspect it will make you feel very defensive. Can I ask something though (which of course, you don't have to answer)? Are you scared of him? It does sound like you tiptoe around him trying to find exactly the right non-confrontational way to bring up issues which might upset or annoy him. He looks pretty intimidating physically to me from the picture on your profile, and I certainly wouldn't want someone that size yelling in my face- I'd be terrified, even if he never actually raised a hand. Is it actually possible for you to have the kind of conversation you need to?

I agree with Anyfucker that it would be best if he leaves while you work this out, and ArtexMonkey's post is very prescient.