WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

[catgirl1976]

Background:

I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

Hi cat

I hope you remember me. I posted quickly last night because I wanted to mark the thread and come back to it when I thought things through. I remember you because I think from your username we are the same age and because you are always so intelligent, witty and strong.

I haven't seem any other threads about your DH.

I've been thinking what I can add to the conversation and it occurred to me there are many similarities between us apart from age. My DH was made redundant from a well paid job four years ago, and it hit him hard.

I'm going to admit here I was bossy. And what also helped was our kids being older and having to be taken to school every morning, so he had to have some routine. I'm not sure about what people said about him targeting you because yu would take shit. I think it might be the other way, he was drawn to you because you wouldn't take shit, only now you have started to feel he is weak and protect him from things like the reality of life and he's started to think he is weak too and before you know it here we are.

I'm a professional coper. Hello, I'm rj and I cope. It's what I do, I never fall apart, I always get through things, and I think you are like that. But you need to admit your vulnerability too.

I ha pneumonia as well - I'm very lucky to be here. Physically your body is telling you you are done. Your DH isn't hearing it for some reason.he has got so wrapped up in his own pity party, poor me, I have no job, I have nothing but look at cat, cat is strong, she's a coper, she will fix it and cope and it will be all right and while she does that I can gaze even more at my navel and not hear her saying she's falling apart. Because she doesn't look it.

You know him best - how do you make him hear? CAN you make him hear?

I hope this makes sense...

I said yesterday that I was surprised it was Catgirl posting. I didn't mean it as anything but supportive, but given the way the thread has gone I can see how negative it might sound and regret saying it.

Catgirl, I hope you can find a way forward.

it's understandable, Sol, of course it is

Cat knows that, she would probably be the first to say it about herself

mostly people are shocked at him though, not her... and that definitely needs reinforcing

Jesus wept, just read the whole thread. this is one of the saddest threads I've read on MN. 1.5 bottles of wine a night, in bed until 1030 on the day you work from home WTAF?? You look gorgeous in your profile pics, and he looks pretty fucking pleased with himself, unsurprisingly. I would hazard that this twat will not change, whatever you do and a life without him would be a better one for you and DS. He's setting an appalling example to your son, just dreadful. What is it about DH that you love to bits? Are your friends/family aware of what he's like? My guess would be no, and I'm sure tha'ts how he likes it. I think you've been conditioned to accept this status quo - this is not an acceptable way to live on any level. You poor woman

Yes, I am shocked that anyone lucky enough to be with someone as cool as Catgirl would risk it by acting like such a twat.

rhondajean that was a brilliant post.

I thought AF's pm to cat was spot on.

Face up to it.This isn't really a marriage,no matter how much you feel you love him.There is no partnership....just one giver,and one taker.

The taker shows absolutely no sign of changing how he operates,so it has to be you who changes your way of living.

Stop enabling him.Until you do,absolutely nothing will change.

I notice you on the threads and you seem like a strong, altogether woman so I am extremely surprised you put up with this and are defending him... He isn't doing enough - that you pay for nursery while he sits on his arse is also surprising.

He needs to get off his backside and get a job.

Stop making excuses for him. He is a lazy shit.

The more I read the more stunned I am you put up with this. I thought you were a strong woman - not someone to make excuses for a useless other half who does nothing.

And you are bloody gorgeous! Grow your balls and say NO MORE!

cat I feel really really sad having read through this thread and particularly seeing it was yours. It really stands out as one of the most upsetting I've read outside of those detailing outright domestic abuse, because you are being treated so so badly. Just the extreme level of neglect your DH is showing with regard to your physical and emotional wellbeing. In your posts you come across as smart, witty and bold. Not that it matters but you are also beautiful. I just can't imagine how you have ended up in a place where you think it is acceptable to be treated in this way. Please listen to the posters who are telling you how much better your life could be without him.

I'm sad you haven't been back to this thread for a while. Maybe you are too busy (there's a surprise). I hope haven't regretted posting this and feel that you've given too much away online... Please come back or post in OTBT or Relationships if you do what to talk about this. I do think you need things to change, really badly need things to change.

Oh Catgirl - you have to look after your darling child's mother. She is putting the food on the table, reading the stories, giving lots and lots of love to her special baby...

What will your precious son do when his overworked, overstretched, overwrought mother crumbles?

Because however strong you think you are, this is unsustainable, and you will.

'Cos I wouldn't put my money on the cocklodger stepping up...

Whatever he was, he's not behaving like a decent person anymore

Please, start to take better care of your son's mother.

She deserves better.

Hi cat :) Hope you manage to get some rest tonight.

I think being a mum really makes you reevaluate your personal relationships because you have all this love that suddenly springs up and it throws into stark contrast the close relationships you have that, well, don't have the love, or much love anyway.

You deserve better lovely. Take care of yourself

Sorry I haven't posted much today. I don't regret posting, not at all. I also haven't taken any comments along the "so surprised it's you" lines negatively at all, so please don't worry. I am confident and outgoing etc, etc so it doesn't make sense I've ended up in this situation. Least of all to me.

There are so many posts on here from so many people I recognise, respect, admire and like - people I've known from the start or have a laugh with, even people I have clashed with. I don't want to start naming names as I don't want to miss anyone out, but I feel like I almost know some of you. I'm sure you know who you are. And every single person has been really kind, supportive and helpful and I appreciate it so much. There have been some brilliant posts on here. Thank you all.

To give you and up date, I came home to a spotless house and a cooked meal and DH gave DS his bath. DH has agreed to get up with DS on Wednesdays and let me work. He has agreed to only drink Fri, Sat and 1 day in the week and that if he doesn't get a job by the end of the month we will change the childcare so he does more days and DS is with DM on Wednesdays.

Now I know that this doesn't mean things are ok - not by a long chalk so I'm not going to go "Hurrah. You've changed DH and everything is rosy" It's nothing more than 1 day of doing what he should have been doing and some words. I know that. There is a very long way to go.

To be clear, DH has not always been like this. We met at uni and he was outgoing, driven and fun and we had a blast. He has always had bouts of depression but they have been more full on and shorter lived than this. They haven't affected our relationship or the balance of who does what etc since he lost his job. For most of our relationship he has worked, been sucessful, had a good social life and been a much more equal partner. For a fair chunk he was the higher earner.

The situation we are in now is untenable. I see that. I also see its been going on too long, I have an annual outburst, he improves for a bit (long enough for me too back off) and then nothing really changes. So I will not let this be the next turn of that wheel.

A few people have asked what my friends think. To be honest they don't know. I paint a picture of everything being rosy and I don't complain or moan to people. I always smile and laugh and just try to be good fun. People who know me would be surprised too. Perhaps I have extended this to DH and let him think everything is great, and I am fine, and all is well. I accept that I have.

I also accept I have enabled this situation and it will need a big behaviour change from me. I hope I have the energy and strength to see it through. You should all know that the kindness and support shown to me by so many on this thread will certainly bolster whatever resevers I have. This is not the family model I want my DS to see. I don't believe DH is happy either, and as I love him, I don't want that. Not for him, not for me and not for DS.

I have a lot to do and so does he, but your advice and support has been a massive help and a reality check.

x

Positive start and I really hope he keeps to his word.

hope it all goes well for you. next time you 'speak' to him, cut the drink down to once a week. you're not alone in covering up the truth - women are doing that everywhere.

Thank you bunny and manic

Best of luck catgirl x

Wow-he's done all this after your one comment yesterday?

Thanks Doctrine

And thank you for all your posts. They've been great and you are a poster I really like and admire

Cat, is he going to seek help for the depression ? From the GP.

Well done :-)

And get some rest! You've been through the wringer

He's said he is more in a rut than depressed but I have said if there's no job and no sustained change within a month then we either go to counselling or he goes to his GP

I have also asked him to start going to the gym again as I think this will help

Well, it's a bloody good start. Well done you for being honest with him and well done DH for pulling his finger out. Now he just needs to keep it out!