WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

[catgirl1976]

Background:

I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

I'm with ArtexMonkey on this one.

He is an alcoholic. Speak to al-anon. After a bottle and a half before bed at 2am, he must be over the limit when driving you to work.

I think you should prioritise a weekly driving lesson. Your DH could then help you practise on your way to work.

Get rid, OP.

Having thought about it and remembered how long you have been posting threads like this about him, I would be wary of getting him to do more childcare tbh. Because frankly I think this relationship is untenable and the last thing I would want to do would be to put him in the position of being able to claim he is your ds's primary carer so that when you do inevitably split he can sit on his lazy alcoholic arse in your house that you pay the mortgage on claiming 15% of your wages off you while he lets your ds run fucking feral.

WSS

Artex- yes. Definitely a perspective to think about, catgirl.

I work 15-20 hours a week in the evenings. DH works at least 50, gets up with DS on the weekends, and does the nightly bath/bed routine.

He'd do worse than tell me to fuck off if I played computer games all day and he had to clean and cook, I'll tell you that.

YANBU.

so you work ft, do all the house stuff
mum has baby on a monday
tuesday and thurs he is at nursery
weds you have him
friday your dp looks after him

that is awful

you really are not being unreasonable to think this is completely unfair on you and your son :(

So your DH doesn't work, is meant to be home being a SAHD. But your DS goes to relatives one day, nursery 2 days, you're home 1 day (working from home, not looking after DS....??????), and your DH covers 1 day. You do all the cooking, cleaning, housework, laundry, shopping etc. It doesn't sound like he does any share of anything, let alone a fair share.

Your DH sounds like a lazy git.

Ah poor you catgirl - sounds like you have been so capable for so long that it's difficult to change the rules at home

I am another one who enjoys reading your posts on other threads.

I think a spreadsheet would be a good idea. You can prepare a list of jobs (together) & then agree (not delegate to him) who does what. The key is to learn to ignore anything that's not on your list. If you agree that he will empty bins then you need to stay strong & not empty them. Most people are lazy if they think they can get away with it. Once the rubbish is overflowing, he'll do it eventually if he knows you won't cave in

I think it's helpful if visible jobs are allocated to the partner who would otherwise pretend not to notice a job needs to be done eg no point agreeing he should clean the bathroom if you know he'll always pretend not to realise it's dirty. However, he can't ignore the fact he has no clean clothes, or no dishes to eat from, or no food in the fridge.

catgirl I'm now seriously worried.
I did a pt law degree whist working FT in the years before I had DC. It was really hard work - very demanding. There is no way in hell I could have done that with DC and a lazy arsed partner. No way.

You are clearly a coper, but nevertheless the stress you must be under must be IMMENSE.

Not only are you doing yourself no favours with enabling your P's behaviour, but it's not helping him and his depression either. If he is the man underneath that you think he is then he must be feeling like a prize tosser for opting out of family life and he will probably be beating himself up daily for failing you & your child, fueling his depression. He needs to start acting "as if" and get heavily involved again.

Catgirl I am going to post what I messaged you last night, to see if it resonates at all with other posters. I share ArtexMonkeys concerns that forcing him to do more when he really doesn't want to/is not prepared to is not really the answer and could make your life more difficult in the long run. I have taken out a couple of sentences that referred to your pm, that you may not have wanted me to share on the open board.

From: AnyFucker
To: catgirl1976
Subject: Re: hello
Date: Mon 28-Jan-13 22:16:07

He has you being all things to him. Breadwinner, domestic drudge, arranger of everything. You dance to his tune just as surely as if he was punching you in the head every night. And when you don't jump high/fast enough (the chipshop incident) he is nasty and feels fit to keep you in your "place"

It's not fair. He is a grown up, a family man and responsible not only for himself but for a child too. You cannot do all this indefinitely.

If he is depressed he must seek help on his own account. You cannot rescue him and you cannot carry him as well as yourself and your child. He is mistreating you and you are excusing him. He is holding you to ransom to indulge his selfishness and laziness

Do you think he might leave you because if you put too much pressure on him ? I expect he will, if you push him. He is entitled enough to think he would be justified in doing that.

So, you carry on. Not much of a life is it ?

Something has to change, and I imagine it needs to be something big. Maybe he needs to face the consequences of his behaviour. He isn't contributing in any meaningful way to this family, so the inevitable outcome of that is he leaves it. Sooner or later. Permanently or not.

the one sure thing is...you cannot go on like this.

My bottom line advice ?? (with no expectations whether you take it or not). Ask your mum to have ds on Fridays. Carry on with the other childcare arrangements that don't include him. Ask him to leave and come back when he has sought help with his issues and ready to take an active role as a husband and father.

Your life would get easier, and your brainfog will clear. As it is, you never see the light of day.

AF x

A scary thought there from ArtexMonkey, be careful OP as that scenario is all too possible.

I think I agree with AF's advice. What's needed here isn't small changes but a big massive readjustment -- for both of you. You might find it easier to 're-boot' separately.

I was struck by what you said about him always having depressive tendencies. I think it's easy to take on the job of managing your partner's depression gradually and almost imperceptibly over the years. Then when it's really gotten out of control, it's hard to break that habit.

But now, it's too much. You need to break the patterns. You have a child to think about, you are getting physically ill, his life has really degenerated. You are honestly doing him no favours by enabling his current lifestyle.

AnyFucker's post is one of the most insightful & sensible pieces of advice I have read in a long time.

Whether the OP takes this advice or not is a different matter. She seems to be horribly trapped in this relationship & I think she is going to have to be the initiator of change. He won't do anything.

If you cancel the nursery, you could afford the driving lessons too! I dont see why you can't formalise it and have him as a stay at home dad? Surely thats the right decision, have you asked him to do that?

land the problem with that is OP's DH doesn't address any of the issues that have led to this appalling situation

if he had any intention of being a "proper" SAHD, he would have taken on much more responsibility already

I wouldn't trust this man to do the job. Full stop. Not the way things are now.

I really cant add anything new to this. I dont want to drag up old posts, but for a while now I have seen your relationship as abusive. he manipulates you, he abuses you, he mistreats you and has no respect for you. You are there to service his needs, physically, financially, emotionally and domestically and that is not a healthy relationship, far from it. I'm another one whose dh works and, because I have health issues, comes home and does a large percentage of the housework, we rarely have sex and he never complains or tries to force the issue, he looks after ds and gets up with him at the weekend so I can have a lie in, he doesnt manipulate, sulk or abuse me. Because he's a real man, he respects me.

I dont doubt that you love him, but you can't continue like this, at the very least its not a healthy relationship for your DS to witness, and I'm worried for your physical and mental wellbeing. Artex and AF have hit the nail on the head, I wouldnt trust this man as far as I could throw him, You are living a half life trying to please someone who doesnt give a shiney shite about your feelings.

I hope you listen, and get away from this man. take care x

He is a lazy bastard. And if it was a husband complaining about a wife, she would be a lazy bastard as well.

This.

I'm remember your OP from when your DS was about 6 months old - something about him going to bed ridiculously late and frequently leaving the back door open by accident (good grief, I really do store too much irrelevant information in my mind ) as well as all the stuff you posted about last night.

I've noticed more recently that you refer to your DH as a SAHD and I've thought "good, her DH must have stepped up and is looking after their DS most of the time and running the house" and was actually pleased that things have improved (or so I thought). It comes to something that a bunch of strangers on the Internet are more far more concerned about your health, wellbeing and happiness your DH does.

I know you say you love him, but I'm sure you're past the age now where you believe that love conquers all - there is so much more to a successful marriage than that.

I don't really have anything else to say that other posters haven't already said, but the only glimmer of hope is that on the thread you started in summer, you jumped to his defence straight away, whereas on this one, you do seem to realise that things have to change.

Catgirl, I am a SAHM and quite a lazy bastard - but I do all the laundry, cook every other night, do most of the shopping, all of the child care and clean the house when I CBA (not that often, hence lazy bastardiness/slattern).

Your H may be depressed - but it rather sounds like he's wallowing in it, rather than attempting to do anything about it. He picks up on the Fridays because he pretty much has to - if that's the only thing lifting him out of his depression, then he needs to do it more often and by himself, not with you allowing him to let you take over.

I don't know if you are of a "managing disposition" - you might be! But, so long as your DS is actually safe and well-cared for when alone with your H, then let him do it his way. BUT do bear in mind what Artexmonkey has said too because, should you decide that you don't want to continue with this bloke, you don't want him becoming primary carer.

You may love the bones of him - but why? And do you really think he loves and respects you as he should, given that he appears to be ok with allowing you to slave and provide for him, just so he can sit on his arse and wallow? No, he's taking the piss, royally.

I don't think you should turn over SAHP duties while he's still drinking so much. Hangovers and toddlers do not mix.

It also sounds to me, remembering old posts, as if his problems were sort of manageable when it was just the two of you and life was all about working hard and playing hard.

But now things are totally different. You are absolutely entitled to expect more and different from him now that you have DC.

Good point, dreaming.

Catgirl, is he still drinking 1-1.5 bottles of wine per night? Because tbh, I'd try and put a stop to that and if you do all the shopping then that should be easy enough. I know that it's dangerous for alcoholics to just suddenly stop drinking - but 1-1.5 bottles a night is what I used to do back in the past pre-DC, while DH was in Australia and I was in the UK - and I wasn't an alcoholic, nor did it cause me any health issues to stop it.

If he cuts out the drinking, he won't sleep as late the next morning. It may improve his depression (my DH finds he gets far more easily depressed when he's on the wine; he has long periods of abstinence because of this) and he will probably have more energy to do stuff.

He does rather need to grow up.

I have only read the OP

ARE YOU TOTALLY FUCKING MENTALOID?