WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

[catgirl1976]

Background:

I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

LaQueen - you're right, her H has chosen her for exactly those reasons. :(

It must be hard to see so many LTBs, when you still love him. So I just want to point out that you can love him and still ask him to leave.

I think a lot of us might think that you only ask someone to leave because you don't love them anymore, because there is no hope for the future.

But you might also ask someone to leave because no matter how much you love them, no matter how possible it might be that things could change, their present behaviour is not acceptable -- because they are not treating you properly, not taking proper care of their children, etc.

You don't have to stop loving him. But that doesn't mean you have to accept his behaviour and allow him to keep treating you like this.

I know my husband loves me to pieces but if I did even half of what your husband does, he would ask me to leave -- not because he didn't love me anymore, but because he would think it was total bullshit.

At the very least your husband needs to start counseling for his depression and addictions. I think it's totally fair for you to insist on this and if he refuses, ask him to leave. Your son is going to grow up so fast, it won't be long before he can tell that things aren't right.

Was there ever a time you had an equal partnership Catgirl.
Like when you first got together, did he work?
Did he ever do any housework, or is this just a gradual thing?

Your DH does not look like the mild mannered graphic designer I was expecting.

It looks like he manages to work out plenty? If he is motivated to do that, but not pull his weight at home, that makes it worse.

Catgirl I've hesitated to post, but here goes.

I don't remember many posters' names but your name stuck because I was on a couple of threads with you ages ago where you seemed to be defending the indefensible and upholding men's rights to behave extremely badly. I was startled that someone with so much intelligence and warmth was taking that stance and it baffled me. I wondered then whether you were in an unequal relationship because as I have often noticed on this site and in RL, it is a familiar defence mechanism that props up the denial about how bad a partner really is. So it never surprises me when it later emerges that all is not well, but I'm very sorry that is the case and commend your bravery and openness.

I think the depression and alcoholism are smokescreens for what is an extremely selfish and entitled man who just doesn't love you enough.

And tough as it is and courageous though you'll need to be, I think the only solution to this is to get out while you've still got your health and your sanity reasonably intact.

Have you shown him this thread? Because if you can't/won't talk to him about it, then you really should.

You should also take note of what every single person has said - he is a completely lazy arse and taking you for a ride - no ifs, buts or maybes.

I really really hope you can take something from this, as it sounds as if your life is pretty miserable at the moment, and thats very sad.

Hope you get to talk to him tonight Catgirl.

OP - I think you are totally mad to maintain your current status quo.

You work full time, and look after your DS in all your non working time - mornings, evenings and weekends. Not only that you are paying for nursery while your DH isn't working.

Forget the fish and chips - bigger fish to fry here. He should be going shopping, cooking dinner and picking your DH from nursery or his DM AS A MINIMUM.

He uses spare time to play computer games, you use "spare" time to look after your DS.

OP-if you did show him this thread-what would he say? Would he say, 'I can't believe you think that about me-how dare you put that on the internet' and be all hurt and detract from the real problem (making you wish you'd never said anything?) or would he get defensive and say, 'hey-actually I do x y z round the house' or would he say, 'oh no-it's really not looking good, is it-I'm sorry'.

I would be interested to know his reaction. Presumably you have had a conversation along these lines at some point in the past before-how does he react?

I feel a bit uncomfortable with those saying that Catgirl's DH sought her out because he thought she would be amenable to abuse/allow him to treat her like shit. I don't think it is helpful to make Catgirl feel inadequate about her worth as a person, which this kind of comment may do.

I also don't think that any of us can say, 'I would never have thought that of x poster' because we only see the snapshot of the person that is posted online.

None of us truly knows another poster from what they have posted online.

Only Catgirl can make a decision on what to do next, and that is not a decision that can be reached overnight.

Also, women of all types/walks of life can find themselves in a relationship like that. We know this, MN should have taught us this. Constantly hearing "I never thought this of you of all people" is going to shut someone down. It's hard enough if you've always been seen as strong and together to ask for help, without having to get over the incredulity you receive that you have "let it get this bad"

I am currently going through some shit at work that you might not expect to happen to me. But I am not coping with it, and I think it's affecting me quite badly (it's finally dawned on me this weekend). So, I sympathise.

Catgirl, it doesn't matter whether you normally kick arse or are a wallflower in disguise. This man is treated you very badly.

Totally agree with MmeLindor

I honestly think this guy is the worst cocklodger I have seen on here, a veritable king of cocklodging! He is not a good guy, you deserve more. My god, i am exhausted just reading your posts. My husband has been out of work on and off for a while so he does all the housework, and all the cooking ( he is a whiz at cakes), also he has organised our forthcoming emigration including packing up the house, and all the child care. If he was sitting on his arse playing Xbox with a hangover all day I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out. Even when I was off work with serious depression I managed to do more than your husband!

I am strong and focused, but I went through hell with my entitled ExH. (He left me and the small DCs in the end.)

I've never really found people saying, 'We never knew why you married him' helpful, especially as they were all more enthusiastic about the wedding than I ever was ...

The one thing I really do regret, catgirl, is that he was able to take me to the cleaners financially because I hadn't seen it coming. Please be better prepared than I was, as it seems your marriage really is in trouble. Good luck, you know I mean that. x

OP, apologies if I made you feel bad. This was never my intention.

Also agree with MmeLindor and AnyFucker

Catgirl has already said that her H has only been like this since losing his job, it's inappropriate to state things about why he chose to marry her, based on what is written here.

oh, and agree with TSC. Don't show him this thread. I don't think that he needs that much of a reality check, and it will not end well.

sorry i havnt read the whole thread just te first page!

OP

If he isnt cooking,cleaning,looking after your ds for most of the time you are at work and doing the laundry and shopping,then hes not a sahd,heis just dossing while you do everything.

Tell him he needs to either get a job and you share everything eqally

catgirl I hope your head hasn't been too fried today!

I can imagine it's quite overwhelming to have countless people tell you to LTB. Nobody here is posting with anything other than concern and support for you.

I would never tell anyone to leave a marriage lightly. But I am convinced that you need him out of the house. I also really agree with posters telling you to start thinking of finances, childcare etc.

I totally agree with tsc wrt showing him this thread.

Catgirl, can we help you? Do you want another thread in otbt to work through this?