To feel so upset regarding contact.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

Given the nature of the relationship and the controlling attempts I would be quite careful. I would either say no mediation is not suitable under these circumstances. Or if you really want to do it ask for separate room mediation.

If you really want to go try and prepare by having a list of points you wish to make clear to the person who mediates with you.

Remember he can request anything he wants via mediation however you do not have to agree.

Fab post Jux, and every word of it true.

I was over on Legal Matters just now reading a thread - I know it's not the done thing to mention specifics on another thread, I'll just say it's about a dad who does pay maintenance to his ex and wants to see his 1 year old, there are some interesting points made about reasonable expectations.

Make as I've said before I am no expert, but it seems it doesn't matter what one parent demands or the other denies, the well-being of the child at the heart of the matter is the key issue. From what Skye and others say, charm or bluster won't affect a trained mediator, they won't let ex bulldoze you, and the separate room interviews sound a good way forward.

Anyway, for now, hope you have a good chat with your GP tomorrow. Is it your interview tomorrow as well? Try and relax, you've got your girls' night out to look forward to on Saturday night too.

regarding mediation, make sure that you "officially" pay your parents a nice sum of money to live there with DD. So if your income is maternity pay only, maybe you could be paying your parents £100 per week to live there and cover all costs.....

the less disposable income you have, the better so that you can qualify for free mediation.

Make, I don't know whether you've ever heard of the five stages of grief, but if not, it might help to know about them...

The basic idea is that many people go through different stages when they are dealing with major loss, like a death or the end of an important relationship. These are:

Denial: ?This can?t be happening to me.?
Anger: ?Why is this happening? Who is to blame??
Bargaining: ?Make this not happen, and in return I will .?
Depression: ?I?m too sad to do anything.?
Acceptance: ?I?m at peace with what happened.?

These stages are not set in stone: not everyone experiences all of them, and they don't always come in this order. But to recover from a loss, you need to reach the stage of acceptance.

From what you've said, I'd guess you haven't done very much anger... You have been trying to do quite a lot of bargaining, at least in the early stages (along the lines of "If I'm really nice and amenable, then he'll still like me and we can be friends, even if we're not together")... And you sound like you might be getting stuck in depression.

This is a useful article that tells you more . I'm not a counsellor, but it sounds to me that you are experiencing what they call 'complicated grief'. IMO lots of us - those people who have a baby with someone who is really horrible to us - feel this kind of 'complicated grief'. In any other type of relationship, if someone is horrible to us, we can deal with it and move on... When we have a baby, we are tied to that person for ever, and we need to find a way to deal with it. In any other relationship, if it goes horribly wrong, we regret it and write it off; but when we've had a baby with someone, and we love that baby more than anything else in the world, we can never totally regret it... No wonder it can mess with our heads!

You need to learn to be kind to yourself... We all do in this situation... But you are finding it harder because you've got too used to being treated unkindly. You are quite right that you are being too hard on yourself - and recognise this is an important step :) Now start practising being a bit softer!

flow good advice and the sort of thing that my counsellor is discussing with me. I have just looked at that link and printed out the stuff on divorce and relationship breakup. It is exactly how I feel myself, grieving for the loss of my relationship and my future.

It does get easier, but it takes a long time and yes - you do need to go easy on yourself

I went through all those stages, now i dont feel bitter or sad about what happened, i cant change what happened, i gotta move on.

Thank you all
My life gets more dramatic, I have no maintainence- his boss didn't send it in.
Spoke to CSA: his boss has until the 19th of April to send it in meaning if he doesn't decide to send it in until then we get nothing.
Meaning all my money goes on looking after us. We struggle as it is, so mediation and everything is out of the question

that's why I said about the legal aid for maintenance. They will assess you at the first session, so if most of your money goes to your parents for keep, then you will probably qualify for free mediation. If you don't and you can't afford it, then you tell them that at the assessment.

Thanks Skye

Off for the job interview in a bit and I'm really worried about leaving dd for some reason.
Oh I'm not going on the girls night, I don't fancy it and would rather save my money

Hello - been reading this thread and haven't felt qualified to comment before as everyone has said it all. However, I am a qualified and practising family mediator and so can help you out here if you have any questions. Either PM me or post on here and I'll give you an answer. Legal aid has been withdrawn wef 1 April but not for cases where there is domestic violence or there are child protection issues, so you can still get help after 1 April. If you go to this link you will be able to see if you qualify for legal aid now:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Also worth knowing that an additional £10 million worth of legal aid is being pumped into mediation to encourage people to got to mediation, so if you qualify financially you will get it. Do you receive any benefits - income support is a passport to legal aid as are some other benefits. Another thing to watch out for is to make sure that his mediator (if he has one in mind) has a legal aid contract, not all of them do and will only take private cases, so don't feel you have to go to a specific mediator of his suggestion. Plus it might be worth getting in there first and suggesting/booking a mediator near you, as you don't want him turning round and finding a mediator up where he is so that you have to travel 3 hours to each meeting. That way you can take back some control, show him you mean business and are very willing to sort things out with a mediator - won't look bad in front of a court either if you take the initiative....

One thing to remember is that mediation is voluntary and you can't be forced to go. The courts want to see that couples have tried to resolve their issues through mediation but this will not always be possible. It is possible that your Ex wants the FM1 which his solicitor will need before s/he can issue proceedings in the family courts. Also, your mediator could advise that mediation is not suitable even if you are willing to go for a number of reasons such as DV, financial irregularities, a power imbalance (physical, emotional, financial etc...) as this will stop both parties freely participating. Also, remember, as someone has already advised, you can have a shuttle meeting where you can both be in separate rooms and the mediator will organise staggered arrival and departure times so that you don't have to meet. If you are in the same room, discuss with the mediator some safety measures such as a code word which you can use if it's all getting too much or you feel threatened. If you use this the mediator knows to stop the mediation.

Hope this helps and happy to help more if I can.

Thank you heeby, I don't qualify they do accept legal aid.
It's really affecting whether I take a job should I be offered or wait until this is all resolved.
I will not be in the same room, I feel terribly intimidated by him and won't say what I think etc

Good luck Make!

Best of luck with your interview, Make :).

I think it's worth phoning the mediators and explaining that, while you would welcome their intervention (important to be seen to be willing) you have no money with which to pay for them, ex has failed to pay for xxxx time, and that until such and such a date you don't qualify for legal aid. Throw yourself on their mercy and ask what you can do to facilitate the process.

Do not simply refuse, as that could look really bad later.

That's what I don't want jux to look so bad

That was interesting whatHebeJeebysaid about a code word if things get too intense for you at mediation.

Can my code word be 'cunt'

Wash your mouth out this instant young lady! (cries laughing).

There really is nothing more suitable maybe twunt

I think Jux has it right.

Show you're willing to go, explain you can't afford to pay and why. Explain that you need separate rooms.

Hebe should be able to help you out here with the best approach in order to take the fairest and most reasonable way forward.

good advice from Hebe there. I was trying to make the point too, that it is important that you are seen to be willing to attend mediation etc, even if you go to assessment then say you cannot afford it, or they decide that it shouldnt happen, it is important that you go so that X cannot turn round and say that you refused to go.

so it is important to go to the assessment, see if you qualify for it for free or not, or if they even think it should go ahead, then take it from there.

This is about you taking back some control and not letting him have it all his own way, but the only thing that will make you look bad is if you refuse to even go to the initial assessment meeting, which will be held totally separately to his initial assessment.

I got the job

I actually can't wait for meditation i have called six times today too book it and they never call me bck!
They do take legal aid too!!