To feel so upset regarding contact.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

Exactly struggling- he sees her as a object. Yet again, he's shown this.

I'd actually like him to take me to court and mediation now because I'm not scared. It's about DD, mediation might help him understand that she is not a object.
You cannot saw her in half if he cannot see that by now no authority will be able too.

Court was a empty threat but if it ever did of course I'd have a barrage of abuse of it being my fault he didn't get what he wanted.
What's the saying?
Abusive men blame everyone but their person?
Feeling a bit better now, kept busy and had a lovely message of support from one of 'his' friends.
I shan't reply as it could be a ploy but it seems rather genuine

Don't reply.

Stick to the contact you've offered on the terms you've offered. Always remember that he didn't want you to have this baby in the first place when he starts being an arse.

You are the better person and always will be.

He is lower than a worm's belly.

He can always be trusted to come out with a phrase or two just to spoil the peace and quiet. Tra la la not listening! {fingers in ears}. If anything, repeat polite offers already stated or just ignore.

If genuine that was nice of his friend but you are right to be wary. A simple reply could be twisted into "OMG look Make is now trying to sweet talk my mates".

I think that you really do need to go to mediation, because it is the only way forward and the mediators can help you to see what is reasonable and what isn't. They are neutral and they will help you both to come to an agreement on access.

In your situation, it is probably the best thing to do.

Just had a letter drop on the mat asking me to go to mediation.
Invititing me that is

Super timing, this is a good thing Make.

If he seriously thinks I am paying for mediation he is on another planet and I'm telling him that.

Forgot to ask, where will this take place, nearer you than him I should hope? It must be possible to arrange somewhere close taking into account you have DD to consider? (And in a nutshell this is what it's all about, I know).

It's near me which means he must have a solicitor on the case advising him.

She isn't 'half his' in the eyes of the law: she's all her own person! He has clearly forgotten (or doesn't understand) that he has responsibilities, not rights; your DD is the one with rights here!

But hooray for email if it reminded you why you don't love or miss him! See how much worse he makes things for you?

Just totally ignore that latest bit of bollox. There is nothing at all you need to say in response. :)

If he ever does get it together to go to court, he's going to get one helluva shock...

Thanks flow I actually feel quite awful right now x

Make, if you think of mediation as a way for you to get what you are saying through the idiot filter your ex has, then it's actually a good thing for you to go through this. You can refuse to sit in the same room as him, which in your shoes would be best given his tendancy to be an arsehole and bully, and simply maintain your reasonable stance regarding your responsibility to make your DD available for contact, and his responsibility to actually make the effort to see her. If he wants to see his DD, alone, without you, then he has to build up to that with regular consistent contact, something he's not shown willing to do so far. This would be your chance to get that message across, loud and clear, via the mediator.

It is something I've wanted, something I need but mum and dad think maybe I'm upset as it seems final and should never have come to this

Are you going to go to the mediation he has arranged?

Do your mum and dad think you are too upset to go?

Sorry, I don't understand your last post properly.

Make it'll take what ever it takes, to get you where you need to go. If it takes mediation, then that's not something to look on as failure but progress. It means that you won't be talking to the brick wall that your ex is, but to someone who is trying to focus you both on progressing from this stalemate. You know you have your DD's welfare at the heart of your concerns, whereas your ex is only thinking of himself. You are more than happy for your ex to develop a relationship with your DD, all you are expecting is that he shows an interest in what is good for her. What is good for her is that he tries to get to know her more, gets used to what she needs, her routine etc. and works on that to develop his relationship. Remember you are not a bad person to get to this stage with him and his unrealistic expectations on you. He's just an unreasonable person who expects to get what he wants by bullying and intimidation. Hopefully he'll learn a life skill from this process which will benefit your DD in the long run too .

Yes your right I need to look positively!!
I just feel conflicted it should never have come to it even though its the best way.
I will go, I doubt it will achieve anything in regards to his attitude or behaviour, but ill try.

Upthread I nearly missed this: It was only this morning I thought I loved and missed him

You made sacrifices, you worked at this relationship. You're not a robot Make it's natural to look back and wish things turned out differently. Even to miss and want the one person who shows such wanton disregard and thought for you. You have a living breathing reminder of him living with you, she's with you and in your head when you're apart.

He knew where you were all this time. It's too sad he has made so little effort to support you or get to know the child he helped make.

This is rl and while he sulks and strops and plays hard done by, you've had your DD and are busy parenting. She's not his stick to beat you with. The mediators are only interesting in striking a workable reasonable set of arrangements that benefit DD best! Bring it on, say your piece.

Just read your thread. May I say you are doing a fantastic job. Well, you are, whether you believe it or not. As for being no good and not worth anyting, well, I would say you probably listened to your twat of an ex while you were with him, and have given him far too much credence!

So let's look at what I have managed to glean from a very cursory read of this thread (your posts, and only a few others here and there).

1 you have withstood bullying of monumental proportions from the shit of a father and his mum and dad since you were 5m pg. Did you cave? Did you do what he and his mum wanted you to do? No. And as a reward for that, you have a lovely, loving dd.

2 you have continued to work until quite recently (just handed in notice), despite him uprooting you, dragging you off to parts unknown and scuppering your career.

3 you have tried umpteen times to ensure your dd has a regular and positive relationship with her dad. Most of which attempts he has rejected.

4 since splitting you have continued to be subjected to abuse from him and his family.

5 you have studied and clearly done well, in an effort to provide a rosy future for your dd. Not easy with a little teething one, and a job.

6 you have been accepted onto a College course for September, where the place to applicant ratio is 1:100. That means they want you to do their course and have rejected 99 other people to get you. Major academic achievement.

7 you have managed to keep going despite her father's payments being sporadic, at best.

8 you have done all this and still want your dd to have a relationship with her dad.

9 you have retained your sense of humour; you are intelligent, versatile, unselfish, active, articulate, generous, kind, loving, great mum.

Now pretend I wrote that about someone else. Aren't they an astonishing and worthwhile and admirable person? Wouldn't you like to know them? That's the sort of person people like, and want to be friends with. That's you, Make, that's you.

Now, believe in yourself because I am sure there are things I forgot as that list really was just off the top of my head. (((hug)))

Awe thank you
I feel slightly better

What does the mediation letter say, Make? Is if or a specific appointment?

Mediation was the only thing that made my XH sort out contact on a proper and regular basis. they made him give answers to questions that he wouldnt give to me and they made him realise that each of us have a life, that I am with DD all the time and also need some time to myself, that DD needs to know when her daddy is going to turn up.

He was being so awkward prior to that, but mediation changed him completely as it made him realise that I was not being unreasonable about things.

You can have shuttle mediation, where you sit in separate rooms. Lou has just been through that with her Chunt.

You might be eligible for free mediation, the criteria is slightly different to that of legal aid and they will discuss it with you at your initial session. If you cant afford it, then you will have to explain that to your X and ask him to pay for all of it, explain that you are not being awkward, but you simply do not have the money.

Mediation have seen it all before and they will help both of you to reach an agreement on access and maintenance. They will ask your X what he wants and ask you what you want and take it from there.

It honestly is the best way forward for you, and should hopefully stop all the silly emails.

Copy Jux's post out Make and pin it on your bedroom wall. Fold a copy of it and stick it in your bag so you can take it out and look at it.

You will each have an individual assessment session, and then they decide if you are suitable candidates for mediation or not.

They are not interested in who has done what in the past, they just want to deal with the present and move forward.

Skye- thank you you have just put my mind at rest. That is all I want. I don't want to be in the same room at present as I know I will cave if I see him.
I currently feel railroaded and bullied like being back at school.
jux- that post really means alot to me. Very kind
Kitty- I have to ring and make an initial appointment together.

My other issue is if it does work I know he won't stick to it as its not legal.
I know I have all the proof that I have tried.
My GP can't give me an appointment until the 22nd but will give me a call tommorow at some point. I know I am not right, I'm not saying I'm ill but I'm trying too hard and I'm wearing myself out and putting so much pressure on myself because I've been labelled as lazy so many times.

I need to learn to sod everyone else so to speak.
Thank you once again for the hand holding and support. You will never know how much you have all helped and supported me through this roller coaster

anything you want to know about mediation just ask on here or PM me. I think in your situation it would be best to sit in separate rooms, then he can't bully you and you can stress that to the mediators at your assessment meeting.

Stress to them that you want your DD to see her father, but that he needs to understand that it has to be what is best for your DD. They will help you to see if you are being unreasonable in any area (not that I think you are, just saying) and they will do the same to him and help you to both reach a compromise.

Everything that is said is recorded and a summary is sent to you. Our mediators also worked out a schedule of contact for the couple of months ahead, so in your situation that could be ideal, with a schedule building up over a couple of months to him being able to take her on his own when she is a bit older, as ultimately, that is what will happen.

Another point is that he should buy his own pushchair, car seat etc, as if he takes yours and doesn't return them, you will be out of pocket, so make sure to discuss that in mediation too, that he needs to have all the right equipment to be able to look after her.

The mediators are only concerned in what is best for the child and also for each of you and it has to be sensible and sustainable contact