To feel so upset regarding contact.

[MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong]

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

Here's some words for your text/email to him... :)
"We're busy Sunday, sorry. Shame you couldn't meet us on Xday at the aquarium. Might be able to arrange a couple of hours here on Saturday pm if you let me know by tonight. Otherwise Yday or Zday next week at the soft place centre or [name other local venue]. We have lots of things happening over the next couple of weeks, so please let me know by Sunday night."

Thank you

The blame game is rubbish isn't it textfan you did your utmost. It's the old re-write history thing, I suppose he's Dad of the Year now with his children. As soon as your DD is old enough to understand adult relationships she'll know you did your best.

Good morning Make let me guess by now you've already been up for hurs and out with DD and Pickledog and achieved loads while I am still on my first coffee of the day!

hours that should have said.

I hate the blame game

I feel low so i am keeping busy. We have done a food shop. Just at a playgroup and this afternoon going to bake a cake and attempt to do roast pork belly

See, you are up and about while I'm half asleep. Keep reminding yourself how much you give, you are a great mum and perfectly capable.

I wish I was still in bed I can assure you - but I had run out of Kleenex

Make, I don't know if you realise this but you have a habit of downplaying the significance of the things you do which are good and positive things for you. You have difficulty in taking positive feedback and recognition, and just accepting this as true. You don't seem to want to recognise that anything you do is good, or positive, or significant. You are doing brilliantly, despite all the obstacles and set backs you've endured, and tbh if you can get up, and function and get out, that is a great achievement when you are struggling generally with mood/illness/anxiety/stress. You need to be kinder to yourself, and learn to acknowledge the good in you and in what you do. Because if you don't, it makes it easier to believe that bad stuff other people say to you. In the situation you are in, with your ex doing whatever he can to 'get' at you, you need to see the things you do and achieve, no matter his big or small, as good and positive. Have you tried to get another appointment with your GP? Keep trying if its not happened yet, I really do think you have so much going for you but you are being bogged down by the fog your mind is swamped with. You need help to clear that fog, because you deserve a bit of sunshine in your life.

Hear hear!

Struggling you have made me sob, absolutely sob.
I am so negative about everything

Make, it's not your fault, sorry if it came across that way. I know how you feel because I felt the same way about myself too. I have always been hard on myself in much the same way you are, because I grew up with so much negativity too. And do you know who it was that made me stop and think differently? My DD. My DD is now almost 8 and we tell each other 'I love you' every day. Those were words I never heard from anyone when I was growing up. My DD might not have the best mum in the world but she's convinced she has because she's happy and knows how much I love her. Your life right now seems hard because everything you do isn't appreciated by those you are trying to do the right thing by. You are faced with people who are actively trying to make your life harder. But I promise you, it will get better. You have plans. Your DD will grow and develop into a lovely, funny, affectionate, fascinating little person and give you a perspective on the world that you have long forgotten. And when you see the world through her eyes, you'll see how good things can be. The thing that tickles me most is when my DD says really nice, positive, encouraging things to me, and I can't reject that, or downplay that as she means it genuinely and thoughtfully. She's aware I struggle sometimes because we talk about it, and she's wonderful because even at 7 she understands in an age appropriate way that life can sometimes be tricky and difficult. But she still loves me despite all my flaws. Just remember that your DD is in your corner and always will be. You are a good, kind, caring person with a bright future. And you deserve that too.

I should add I had CBT counselling when my DD was about 8 mths old, and that helped me start to see things differently and to stop and really start to challenge the negative thought cycle I always got into. Really being hard and down on myself. It helped me back then but its helped me more as times passes as I can try and mentally work around the negativity that I used to get bogged down with. I really think you should keep trying to see your GP. Ask for a referral when you get the appointment and take it no matter how long it takes to get what you need. I waited about 11 mths for the CBT. Just keep trying.

Thank you struggling, in glad you are doing okay now.
I just really struggle with anything but to the outside I must look fine they aren't here when dd goes to bed though

Make we don't want to upset you just giving you a gee up. Already been said about making it up as we go along, don't always feel confident but the trick is look like you have it under control. We all do it, join the club.

As for ex he only tries to undermine you to big himself up, (plank). Everyone gets a bit overwhelmed from time to time, I know I do.

C'mon lovely girl, keep on keeping on.

Oh your not upsetting me, it's what I need. I feel less alone...
Now this arrived- you forget she is half mine and if I want her at home then I can

I saw this and thought your ex would be up to his usual tricks. He sounds like a petulant toddler having a tantrum - it's mine and I want it!! No wonder you're angry.

Just reiterate what you have said already.

I agree with everyone else, you're doing great. Please give yourself more credit!

Make, have a wee look at my username. Right now, I'm not doing so well. I'm quite a bit older than you and at your age I was probably right in the very depths of misery but I had no idea how to get out of that. I didn't have my DD until I was in my 30s so I spent a large chunk of my 20s believing I was worthless/useless and failed to realise any potential I had back then.

One thing I've learned through my years dealing with similar feelings you have is that there is no magic cure, things won't magically transform into a happy existence for me as I still get dips every now and then. But, I now know the signs, I can 'ride that wave' of misery until it passes and I can do somethings that make it less intrusive for me and my DD i.e. I can resist the urge to let those feelings overwhelm me to the point I can no longer function. Basically, I can 'manage' my problems better do they don't affect me as much as they used to. The reason I think you are doing so well is that despite feeling the way you do, you get up, get dressed, go out and let the fresh air hit your lungs. That is a big, big thing for someone feeling the way you do so we are not saying these things to you to as empty gestures, platitudes to 'fool' you into thinking something that isn't true. You are doing so well, and you need to hear that. You have plans for the future and a good idea of how to work towards your goals. Again, that is a really good thing for you, and you have got here by doing what was needed to achieve that, despite all the crap thrown at you by your ex and his family. That is a brilliant, brilliant achievement.

Keep trying to get that GP appointment. It might take a while but you'll get the help you need if you keep asking for it. You won't transform into a smiley happy person but you'll learn to manage your life in a way that means despite your struggles, you'll have a chance to create a life for you and your DD that will bring you both lots of happiness. Keep on doing what you are doing and get that help. You are fab! Believe it!

Sorry but bollocks to that make. Half his? She's not a possession. Ignore the twat. He can spout shite like that til the cows come home. None of that changes things for your DD one iota. He knows exactly what to do to see her. He is choosing not to see her by being unreasonable.

I know struggling it sounds like a spoilt child throwing a strop because someone else has a toy they want, doesn't it.

Then when they get the toy it gets dropped/broken/forgotten after five minutes...

It's just ridiculous.
I think the walking does me good otherwise i start to wallow. I also know I can't get better until I help myself and the positive stories really help me.
Also emails like that one give me a boost because despite everything I realise I do have a brain, morals and above all else respect for my daughter.
Every breath intake isn't for me anymore it's for my dd. everything I do now is for her. I don't care what happens for me, because I can provide something for her. She gives me a purpose and meaning.
So does my dog. He is my best friend. He knows I'm feeling it today as he tries to help in his own way.

Make, that is so good to hear. Just keep on keeping on as they say. You will get there. Just be patient, be kind to yourself and enjoy your DD and your dog. Both are the best therapy you could get. Oh, and ignore the twat until he says 'ok, I'll come and see DD at (your proposed location/date/time)'. Everything else is just white noise.

Half his? Shame he didn't think that around the time he was suggesting you terminate.

Exactly
She may in the eyes of the law be half. But my body carried her, for 9 months.
I didn't realise he bought and provided half of her things, half her home, half her needs.
Did half the sleepless nights, half the changing, half the feeding, half the playing and wore half the vomit!! Grrrr
It was only this morning I thought I loved and missed him.

She's not 'half' of anyone. She's a unique individual with her own needs/wants/likes/dislikes and is utterly dependent on the person who actually does the necessary job of meeting those needs/wants/likes/dislikes. Tell me again, where exactly in this does your ex contribute half of anything? Apart from being an utter half wit.