Dimwitted cousin, ill-judged pregnancy and announcement of baby shower

[BupcakesAndCunting]

Backstory here

why oh why am I setting myself up for another arsekicking?

Just got a text from cousin's mum (my aunt) as cousin does not have my number (intentionally actually) "Hi jst so u no my baby shower will be in June so dont make eny plans!" (forwarded message written by cousin)

WHAT??

So 1. You're doing a fucking save the date for an occasion designed for people to lavish gifts upon you? Hmmmm kay.... and 2. No-one can make any plans for the entire month of June, lest they miss the chance to come and shower you with gifts?

Would I BU to text back "Just fuck off"?

State If we harness the power of our anger, imagine what we could do!

"Will there be nice food?"

There will be tons of nice food.

If you think that cutted-up Turkey Twizzlers skewered onto cocktail sticks, Rustler burgers cut into quarters and lashings of Blue WKD are nice food then yes, there will be a veritable banquet.

Bupcakes - you make it sound like Kerry Catona will be guest of honour

Yes. Thank you. I would love to do that.

"Dear preggers and peng. I am unable to attend your "baby shower/effort to clothe your DC without spending money whilst making a bit of cash for yourself and buying peng clothes party as I will be urgently defrosting bups freezer. Sorry"

Now, given that is in actual English and in words of one syllable she may not understand it.
I'll just give her your number bups, you can explain it to her

Well I don't like reading people being snobby so I think I'll bow out, please don't go just to laugh at her though - perhaps she has real friends who like her and want to be around her, it's really unkind to take the piss so relentlessly though I can understand why she makes you uncomfortable.

Just be nicer to leave her to it iyswim.

Nasty thread.

My bum wouldnt fit on the moral high ground - booooo hooooo for me :(

tell her you cant come as youre washing your hair in june

I'd not thank anyone for a pearl necklace anymore, not at my age.....

Oh, you mean an actual pearl necklace! Well, maybe I could be persuaded!

Buppers, your cousin sounds delightful! She sounds a bit like my cousin, only she managed to snare a helicopter pilot and now they are buggering off abroad!

Off you pop then....

Rooney, I know, I know. I am awful. I can't help it though, honestly. I have remained beatific about her endless FB updates about mornin sikness that can onli b curred by KFC LOL, me n hubz n bump are goin back 2 bed (at 12 noon) etc etc

I know I am a judgemental cow. I only keep her on FB so that i can roll my eyes and feel superior. I know.

She does seem to have lots of friends though, so that is good.

I'm going to have to read the back story I think, haven't got a clue what's going on and curiosity is getting the better of me....

LOL at washing hair all June

Glaikit, I would be HAPPY if my cousin bagged a helicopter pilot and buggered off abroad! Honest! It would at least mean that she had some ambition that went past staying in her flat with her deadbeat boyfriend who thinks that a job is something that twats do. Perhaps being abroad might sort life out for your cousin? They probs won't have Jeremy Kyle and Blue WKD abroad

Send a naice cake in your absence.

What does peng mean?

I know how it is. There was a lass next to me in hospital the other week, having a baby on the same night. My first thoughts about her and her partner were 'Oh my God I'm stuck with these chavs all bloody night'. I felt really uncharitable.
They sounded awful from behind the curtain.
And then I heard her with her baby later on and she was THE most fantastic mum despite being about half my age. (I am 24)

then we had a chat and she was just lovely.
You just can never tell, even when people seem like a proper caricature.

Glad she has loads of mates anyway.

Oh, I remember the original!

Text back you're going on holiday to the Canaries. For an entire month. Of June.

Anyone inviting me to a baby shower would find me permanently unavailable.

Part of me wants you to go so we can hear all about it.

Fwiw I didn't go to either of my sils baby showers because they sent out strict gift lists... Nice get together before parenthood swallows you whole fine, with an entry fee. No thanks.

You must attend. I am dying to know what goes on at such things.

My cousins are all boring.

Peng means "preggerz but can still pull da menz" I think

Congratulations on your new bubbah, Rooney! What did you have? Yes, yes, I know you had a BABY!

Christ, that cake is horrific.

WTF is peng? Is that like a short penguin? Someone from Pengelly? The pronounciation of a .PNG file?

Bups, you must go to this event so you can do ejumacation on us.

Oh my God.

Who comes up with this crap?

You need to text back something along these lines:

"Thanks for letting me know your babyshower is in June. You do like to plan ahead! I'm like you and have checked my diary and unfortunately find that I will be watching television that month. So sorry".

I think the original source of that is Peter Cook, not entirely certain.

""Thanks for letting me know your babyshower is in June. You do like to plan ahead! I'm like you and have checked my diary and unfortunately find that I will be watching television that month. So sorry"."

So the consensus is, I must attend and report back.

OK I'll take one for the team of atrocious cunts and don my best Kappa/hair in a side ponytail/Timbaland boots and I'll go in.

Oh god... My cuz woz so likes this 2...

I can go one better though! We were invited to a "partee" where she revealed her pregancy and showed us all the actual pee stick!

I had to hide the subsequent Facebook updates and read them all at once lest my anger cause me to self immolate in righteous indignation.

If that makes me angry, nasty and evil... Where do I sign up for the badge, secret handshake and random invitations to avoid dates?!