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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely mortified that I am still a virgin?

222 replies

WantsToBeFree · 20/01/2013 19:21

I will soon be 24 and I am still a virgin. There, I've said it Blush

Do I want to have sex? YES. Do I want to be in a serious relationship? YES.

Unfortunately, life has been very complicated for me so far, and you could say I haven't had the time or opportunity. I have been in a relationship and there was a physical side to it, but we never went all the way.I am not a prude, but I don't think that I can have sex with anyone I don't genuinely like and trust.

I am feeling very hopeless and quite embarrassed about my situation. Anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I a complete freak?

OP posts:
NapaCab · 21/01/2013 19:14

YANBU to be mortified because the cultural norms dictate that we should all have had our first serious relationship at 16 and have had multiple sexual partners and all kinds of exciting adventures by the time we're 21. It is embarrassing when you feel excluded from the cultural mainstream in that way. However, I would say that the cultural mainstream is being unreasonable really rather than you.

It's important to wait for the right person and time so that you're comfortable and it's a good experience. If that right person and time is when you're 16, great. If not, that's also great. It is a cliche but when you meet the right person, he won't care what your history - or lack of history - is.

I spent most of my college years freaking out about the fact that I was a virgin still while most of my close friends were in serious relationships. It made me feel so self-conscious and worried. In the end, it didn't matter a bit when I met the right person.

BegoniaBampot · 21/01/2013 19:16

Point 5 - likely to a degree. My parents were strict (fear or unwanted pregnancy or being found out was terriifying) and I never was good growing up with the whole boyfriend thing, really awkward with sort of thing though I had some close friends who were boys. I definitely had some issues but didn't want to have casual meaningless sex for my first time, so as I didn't have a proper boyfriend it just didn't happen. Had plenty of encounters where we did practically anything but have PIV sex. Had fun and often wished I had just gone for it with guys I really fancied and just had fun but I wanted it to be with someone I trusted and had some kind of relationship with. Always thought no boy would really be interested in me longer term, truth is I've always been prickly as I've dreaded being rejected and made to look foolish. When I eventually done the deed in my early twenties with a drunken one night stand, it meant absolutely nothing - I really was like 'was that it'. Wish I had done it years ago with one of the guys I had actually fancied.

Being a virgin is horrible when you don't particularly want to be one but you fear intimacy (not physical) with someone. You worry if you will ever meet someone, have children - just be normal and the longer you leave it the worse it becomes.

NapaCab · 21/01/2013 19:20

By waiting for the right person and time, by the way, I don't mean 'saving yourself for marriage', I just mean finding someone you're comfortable with. It may be a one-night stand or a short relationship or the man you marry but you might as well try and make it a positive experience!

BegoniaBampot · 21/01/2013 19:24

Forgot to add, I did eventually meet someone who was quite experienced. I eventually made myself open up and forced myself to take the chance and go on dates and possibly face rejection. All very old fashioned for a little while. Many years later we are still together with children and yes IT was lovely being with some you trusted and who cared about you.

suburbophobe · 21/01/2013 19:26

Don't judge yourself according to other people's life..

Whether you have sex all the time, or never, both are o.k.

Whatever floats your boat....

And remember, when you feel someone is judging you:

"Whatever you think of me is not my business" Grin

PrincessTeacake · 22/01/2013 19:46

I was really surprised to see this thread here, nobody ever seems to talk about it. I'm a 29 year old virgin and I never saw anything wrong with it but in my case sexual and emotional abuse gave me a sex phobia and I needed intensive therapy to get over it. Its not about sex, its about love and your virginity is a beautiful gift to give the person you fall in love with.

garlicblocks · 22/01/2013 20:28

Its not about sex Confused

Teacake, it is exactly about sex! What do you think "virginity" means, if not "Hasn't yet had PIV sex"?

As I keep saying, I wish the damn word never existed.

PrincessTeacake · 22/01/2013 20:53

Well, if you want to get technical about it you can take love out of the equation and look at virginity from its historical roots as a symbol of purity and a means of protecting royal bloodlines from contamination and since then society has done a 180 flip and virginity is a symbol of repression and prudishness. Plus if we're just taking it from the mechanical details we can say that my abuser took my virginity. I'd rather not if you don't mind.

BegoniaBampot · 22/01/2013 21:00

There a quite a few reasons for folk to remain virgins into their twenties. Sometimes they overlap but the OP doesn't want to be a virgin, she doesn't want to be alone. In the end I was just glad to get rid of it, it was no big deal physically or emotionally when I did it. My problem was more with I emotional intimacy and fear of rejection, low self esteem with the opposite sex - it wasn't a physical problem as such.

garlicblocks · 22/01/2013 21:00

I understand that, Teacake :) I wondered if it was what you were alluding to. People who were sexually abused get a kind of honorary virginity because, as you're all too aware, the technical fact carries more weight than it deserves and you need a re-interpretation that is valid for you.

Yet another reason why I wish there was no such word.

PrincessTeacake · 22/01/2013 21:08

Maybe eventually it will become a thing of the past and the first time you have sex will become obsolete and more geared towards the first time you fall in love. Its hard to wipe out the legacy of a worldwide symbol of purity and as a Catholic and a girl who grew up in an intensively sexualised era I always felt like I was being pulled in two wildly different directions.

Funnily enough, during my therapy I discovered just how woeful sex education in my country is. My therapist recommended a book for me to track down and they wouldn't deliver it to my home. I got the ebook version by giving a fake U.S. address.

garlicblocks · 22/01/2013 21:45

Didn't want to ignore your posts, either, Begonia. I empathise with what you've posted; you've written it so well, there's nothing more to be said Grin

Like you, I'd have done myself a better service by just picking one of my boy friends to - er, practice with!

Callycat · 23/01/2013 09:17

GarlicBlocks has a point - it's bonkers how so many people bother to classify adults - diverse, complex, multi-faceted adults - as either virgins or non-virgins. I wonder if there are cultures that don't have a word for virginity?

EldritchCleavage · 23/01/2013 13:07

Lucky you, OP. You're strong enough to stay in control of your sexuality and decide what YOU want to do. By your age I'd been subjected to sexual trauma and have struggled ever since.

Just bear in mind the right person doesn't necessarily have to mean Mr. Right. It could mean Mr. Right Now! Sometimes we can be compatible with, trust and enjoy intimacy with partners we wouldn't necessarily have long relationships with. And I don't actually think being a virgin has, or should have, any real significance. Having good experiences that are of your choosing is the really important thing.

Gwlondon · 23/01/2013 18:19

I was about 23 and lost mine to another virgin (boyfriend at the time) who was about 23. Don't worry it will happen and a couple of years later you won't remember!
Keep dating. Chances are you will find someone who is in a similar situation or it just won't seem to matter.

ShephardsDelight · 23/01/2013 19:13

I was a really old 'v' loser compared to my friends (18) and it was with my one and only too who I didn't meet till I was 18 either.

It really is no big deal I wish I had done it sooner and not let my poor confidence hold me back.

5hounds · 23/01/2013 19:45

My ex was a virgin till we got together. He was 26. I had alot of respect for him for that as he waited till he met the right person. . Sadly we split up 8months later lol

Boomerwang · 23/01/2013 20:17

I bet your first time as a wiser adult is going to be a lot better than mine as a naive, stupid teen. Enjoy it, but take it slow with the right person. In fact, I'd go so far as to treasure your purity.

SugarMouse1 · 23/01/2013 20:56

Plenty of people your age and older have stayed virgins for religious reasons!

So why should it matter if you are still a virgin?

Its your choice! If you really want to be in a relationship again, you could try a reputable dating agency to try and meet someone.

BegoniaBampot · 23/01/2013 21:38

" I'd go so far as to treasure your purity."

treasure, it was like a weight round my neck. Do people still say stuff like that, sounds like that kind of thinking could be one of the reasons some folk get screwed up about it all. Surely we should just be telling people to wait till they feel ready and want it, and old enough to handle sex.

sandylion · 23/01/2013 21:59

You're still young though! I was 23 before I met my first bf, just busy uni life/travelling/lack of tolerance for bawbags/a kick ass vibrator meant I never wanted to fuck anyone until I met someone I liked and trusted. He was a friend that I had had a crush on and we just started spending more time together and then we had sex and it was really great. Ended up marrying and procreating with him. And the intercourse remains filthy and satisfying.

Boomerwang · 23/01/2013 22:21

Well I more or less meant be happy with being a virgin, don't be desperate to have sex just because you want to remove the label.

BegoniaBampot · 23/01/2013 22:29

It always seems to be people who had sex in their teens that say that kind of thing though. It comes across as quite patronising. The problem is usually much more than just about losing your virginity. It is why you can't seem to get close enough to someone to lose it when everyone else seems to be able to do it.

Boomerwang · 23/01/2013 22:33

Well the way you put it Begonia makes it sound desperate and I'm sure it isn't like that. When you're a virgin at an older age you probably are likely to have it on your mind when you enter a relationship, and perhaps that affects the start of the relationship for the worse.

I do understand what you mean, though. When all your peers seem to be doing something that you're not, you do wonder why, or know why but feel powerless to change it.

ethelb · 23/01/2013 22:52

MY DP said that he was a virgin at 22 and had only had one 1 night stand at 24. He told me to write "I was pretty much a virgin at 24 so it doesn't matter'.

(BTW he is a 9.4 on hot or not and is adored by everyone who meets him, I had to fight off a few to get to him tbh!)

One relationship with someone who was celibate later he met me. A woman who had spent the past five years enjoying sex with whoever was willing and attractive enough for me.

And when we met our previous experience just didin't matter. We just had very very different sexual morals. But that just didn't matter as us having sex was different to all of that.

People are veyr against committing, marrying, having children before you personally are ready and in a good position to do so, so why should having sex be any different. To deny this is desparate hypocrisy to people who claim to be liberal about sex and relationships.

However, I owuld question why you were in a relationship with someone you didn't like and trust?

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