AIBU to be absolutely mortified that I am still a virgin?

[WantsToBeFree]

I will soon be 24 and I am still a virgin. There, I've said it

Do I want to have sex? YES. Do I want to be in a serious relationship? YES.

Unfortunately, life has been very complicated for me so far, and you could say I haven't had the time or opportunity. I have been in a relationship and there was a physical side to it, but we never went all the way.I am not a prude, but I don't think that I can have sex with anyone I don't genuinely like and trust.

I am feeling very hopeless and quite embarrassed about my situation. Anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I a complete freak?

[garlicblocks]

better to protect it than to give it away freely

For crying out loud. "It" doesn't exist! Virginity is an absence, not a possession or an achievement. What if there was a word for not knowing how to drive? Would you go on about protecting or giving it away?? Surely you'd simply get around to it when conditions were right for you.

[Nancy66]

Bloody hell is it 1952?

Some women enjoy sex, some women like having lots of partners, some women enjoy one night stands, some women can fuck men they don't love or have deep feelings for.

[BegoniaBampot]

there had been a lot of patronising guff going on here. truth is for many peple who are virgins in their twenties and older, it is a big deal and the longer they stay that way the bigger the problem can become. it is often a confidence, fear of intimacy thing.

[valiumredhead]

I agree garlic good point.

[DannyUK]

For balance I also find it odd when women in their mid-twenties have had hundreds of lovers. But what do I know? I find it bizarre that you pay VAT on tampons.

[ArielThePiraticalMermaid]

Ok. The thread will go go thus - women who did "sleep around" in their youth will now decide lots of the responses are negative judgements about 3their decisions, instead of well meaning reassurances to the OP that no, she should not feel mortified. Cue posters coming on saying "How dare you judge me! I had a great time...I have plenty of self respect."

Well good for you. This thread is not about you, however: it's a response to a question posed by the OP.

[ArielThePiraticalMermaid]

Don't know where that random 3 came from.

[drjohnsonscat]

People who had lots of partners - this thread is not about you so no need to get wound up. You actually do not have the "virginity problem" and in fact society on the whole does not make you feel like a freak which is what the OP says she feels.

That said, I think some posters are missing the point of the OP. She doesn't particularly want to protect "it" or make "it" into something sacred. She would quite like to be in a sexual relationship.

It's a bit too easy to say "oh well done you how lovely" but I'd guess the OP feels like she's missing out on experience and learning and fun. And that the longer she leaves it the more she might feel stressed and embarrassed about it and that creates a vicious circle. I actually do feel that society makes far too much of a scene about sex but I can also imagine how the OP feels and there might come a point where she decides to just get on with it in order to get that mental hurdle out of the way.

[drjohnsonscat]

Xpost with ariel with whom I completely agree.

[garlicblocks]

Well, that's odd, Ariel. We must be on different threads.
I haven't seen a single respondent saying OP would be reasonable to feel "mortified".
Nobody's suggested she get laid for the sake of it.
I have seen several attempting to support a person's right to choose sexual activity, against those who imply that promiscuity devalues them or their sexuality.
If there's any judging going on, it's all one way - and not the way OP feared.

Women are not sexual gatekeepers. I will never fail to answer those who try to force that role upon us.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

Hmmm.
I think that while there is certainly nothing to be mortified about if you are a virgin at 24, perhaps you are, without meaning to, building the penetrative act up into something a lot more significant than it really is?
You would be forgiven for thinking in these porn obsessed times that sex means a woman being pounded by a cock of monumental proportions. It all seems quite aggressive and somewhat painful, the act of "getting it in".
It doesn't have to be like that. it can be friendly, funny, sweet, and it doesn't have to be with someone you love more than life itself. Just someone you like and who likes you.
There seems to be some on here who see it as a choice between only sleeping with "the one" and shagging around, being "used and abused" and getting stds.
Well, that's just silly.
Dont stress about it. I reckon that once you have done it, you will feel a bit "is that it?"

[garlicblocks]

Heh, I agree with your reply above, drjohn, but not Ariel's!

I wrote that my first PIV sex was a date rape at age 21. I also said I wish I'd DTD with my boyfriend at 17. This is not to say I feel I "should" have done things differently, merely that sex with the boyfriend would have been a nicer first time than the one I had.

My upbringing fell far short of perfect and I had overblown ideas of the right time/man ... these were basically virginity-led ideas, rather than having confidence in my own responses. Because of this I did not actually recognise the 'right' time when it happened. No long-term harm done; I went on to experiment as normal for my age & circumstances; had a lot of good times and some disappointing.

I have found my enthusiasm for social sex waxing & waning throughout my life. It's got nothing to do with morals or self-worth. Life goes in cycles and, for women in particular, those are strongly influenced by hormonal changes. I believe any woman who feels she "should" deny her sexuality - whether by having more sex, not having sex, or ignoring her orientation - is suffering from coercion. Be that imposed by her culture or her partner/s, I hope I would try to help her escape such constraints.

OP, you haven't said whether you feel constrained which is why I've not addressed the possibility.

[ArielThePiraticalMermaid]

I haven't seen a single respondent saying OP would be reasonable to feel "mortified".

She used the word herself in her OP. And you're right, the majority of people have said don't be daft - of course you shouldn't. I was referring to posts like AKissIsNotAContract's.

And I agree that she actually would like to have sex now, but because she is 24, it has become this big "thing" when in fact it isn't. Society is obsessed with sex, obsessed with it - over here and in the US, pretty much every facet of life is about people and sex, at the same time as a ridiculous coyness about it.

I find it all quite peculiar.

[nethunsreject]

Really, sex is quite unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Do it when you are ready.

[Sazzle41]

So was I until 23 ... terminally shy and socially challenged and lost my Dad who I adored at 19, which hadn't helped... I also thought I was ugly ..(slim and flat chested compared to all my size 14 curvy friends)..

I think your issues with trust need exploring .. was your father absent or withholding emotionally or is there some trauma you haven't processed ? Don't feel mortified, I didn't ... I just felt that until then (23) the idea of it was nice but the real thing had me running for the hills... emotionally I was still a scared 12 ...who lived a fantasy life thru books and tv where it was all rather different ... reality v fantasy is also an issue sometimes....or are there issues with your self esteem as well, because that didn't help me big time & its still an issue for me now in my early forties ?

[happygolurky]

Please don't rush into anything to "lose" it when you meet the right person it will happen : )

If anyone judges you for the number of sexual partners you've had or haven't had they are a massive tool!

[ArielThePiraticalMermaid]

[BegoniaBampot]

drjohn pretty much summed it up. wish folk would stop patting op on the head and telling her it will all be great when she finds the right one and how great she is for not giving it away.

[drjohnsonscat]

Thanks Begonia. Meant to say I agreed with your post too

OP has any of this been of any help at all? "Not really" would be an acceptable answer btw but I hope there's been something here for you.

[badguider]

I don't see why those who have lots of partners should do down those who have few or none NOR why those who have few or none should do down those who have lots... it's SUCH a personal preference.

However, to the OP I would say that pure statistics mean that the longer she waits the more likely her partner will have experience so i would strongly advise learning what you like and to pleasure yourself so that you will know what you want with a partner... do not let your inexperience allow you to settle for rubbish sex when the time comes

[WantsToBeFree]

I appreciate all the opinions and patience on this thread! Thanks so much ladies. :)

It's difficult to reply individually to every post, so I'm just going to address some of the questions that were asked to me by various posters.

1. Yes, my social life has been a bit restricted these past few years. Partly because I'm very academic and partly due to familial circumstances which were quite unpleasant. So it could well be the fact that I don't get to meet too many new people.
   

1. Some posters have referred to my "issues" and how they may be interfering with my desire for penetrative sex. Well, the issues in question are tokophobia and anxiety. However, I want to clarify that my fear of pregnancy and childbirth have nothing to do with my being a virgin. I don't consider myself afraid of sex or physical intimacy. There is some concern about an unplanned pregnancy however, that can be dealt with by using birth control. It certainly doesn't stand in the way of my having sex with a man.
   

1. I don't consider myself better than anyone else my age who may have slept with even 100 men. Like others have pointed out, it's a very personal thing. Just as I wouldn't like being judged for my lack of partners, I don't think it's fair to judge anyone else for how many ever partners they've had.
   

1. A poster suggested that I should erm, pleasure myself in the meanwhile. I do that already
   

1. Could I be building the act up to more than it actually is? Maybe. I'm not sure.

[Nancy66]

Wantstobefree

point 5 - yes, probably.

Don't worry about it and don't expect your first time to be all crashing waves - it hardly ever is!!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Glad you came back OP. Hope whatever you decide to do in future, you don't right now feel weird or lacking in any way.

[Helltotheno]

Agree re point 5 and also with IfNotNow above... People keep telling you you'll meet The One and you'll know etc etc and of course I really hope you do, but unfortunately that's not a cast-iron guarantee for anyone in life.

I think if you're able to get your social life up and running, things will change rapidly. If I had to give you any advice, fwiw, it would be don't internet date, do take up activities that will give you a chance to meet people with the same interests, and do focus more on enjoyment of people's company in the moment than on The One, or Eyes Meeting Across a Crowded Room, or Seeing Stars or any of that waffle :)