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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell them to find their own way to the airport in a foreign country

770 replies

EspressoMonkey · 20/01/2013 09:30

First of all, sorry, long story and first world problem.

DH, DCs and i live abroad for DH's job. We live in a rented house close to DH's work as it is not really easy for foreigners to buy property where he works. I miss England and our lovely home there, so last year DH bought me a Ski Chalet as a birthday present / thank you for leaving your family and job in England to follow me around the world, present. He insisted it was my chalet, i could decorate it how i wanted etc, do what i wanted with it.

The chalet is in a fabulous ski resort and to me it is very much our home. We spend most weekends there, we do not rent it out as a holiday chalet.

Last year MIL asked whether HSIL and her uni flat mates could visit for a weeks snowboarding holiday. I was reluctant to agree. DH's does not really know his HSis and when she has visited us in other homes she has been very messy (straightens hair over sink leaving behind lots of hair etc etc) and she never helps out at all. Reluctantly i agreed, MIL insisted her friends were nice and they would help out and babysit DCs in exchange for free board.

HSIL and her friends booked plane tickets which meant they landed late at night with no way of getting to the chalet so DH drove a 6 hour round trip to collect them from the airport.

They have been here all week and as i guessed, have been hard work. They have done nothing to help out around the house, not bothered to help with dinner or clean away afterwards, not helped with DCs or bothed to even buy me a bunch if flowers or some chocs to say thank you for having them. We all eat together but they talk amongst themselves and make little conversation.

On Wednesday DH was called back to work with a crisis, leaving DCs, myself and HSIL and her friends. Since then they have been worse, going out at night and getting drunk and returning at 2/3am and waking DCs and i with their noise. Last night things worsened. DCs and i were woken at 3am, i could hear male voices and smelt cigarette smoke. Our house is strictly non smoking, especially as we have a baby. I went into the lounge and interrupted the party. I asked the young men to stop smoking in my home and to please leave as i didn't know who they were. The young men were local lads and were very apologetic for smoking and waking us and explained they didn't know it was a private home. As they left one of HSIL's friends, under her breath, called me a snotty cow. I turned around and politely challeneged her on her comment. She repeated it and called me an old hag too (34 BTW, she is 20).

I went back to bed fuming and in tears. This morning i woke them all up at 8.00am. They are due to fly back home tonight and i assume were expecting DH or me to take them to the airport. I explained that because DH was not here and because we had had a lot of snow lately and the minibus was snowed in, they could make their own way back to the airport via public transport. I was not driving them 6 hours round trip. They had 12 hours to get back to the airport themselves. The journey is a bus and two train rides and takes a total of 3.5 / 4 hours. An hour later i heard the door bang and went to their rooms. They have left and take all their stuff. They have not said good bye. The room where the two girls were sleeping has been trashed. Make up; lipstick, foundation and other stuff has been smeared into my beautiful new White Company bed sheets. It doesn't look like an accident as it is on all the pillows, duvet and sheet.

I phoned DH at work and told him what had happened. It was a broken line and DH was v. busy at work so i know he wasn't really aware of the whole story as it was hardto talk. But he questioned whether i had checked they had money to get to the airport and whether the trains were running. I hadn't. I have checked since and the trains are running. But have i done the right thing? AIBU?

OP posts:
TeWiSavesTheDay · 21/01/2013 09:54

Espresso my SIL is the same about gift etc. She turned 21 this year so we got her some champagne and that is the last we'll be getting her unless we'll be seeing her on the day.

orchidee · 21/01/2013 10:18

Espresso
That is awful. You've no reason to explain why the chalet is important to you or why you didn't drive these people anywhere.

Re: MIL. You and your husband know her weak spots so go fir them. I'd imagine things that are important to her include-
General manners / being a good guest
Caring for property and possessions
Protecting her grandchildren from unknown men entering their home in the muddle if the night
Protecting her daughter's virtue from unknown men who she picks up in a bar entering her in the middle of the night.

Choose your weapon and use it efficiently.

SpicyPear · 21/01/2013 10:50

Espresso for what it's worth I don't think you sounded boastful and, judging by previous threads, others didn't either as they certainly would have picked you up on it. I hate this attitude that if you are wealthy or fortunate you should therefore put up with shit from others. I don't have the things you have, but I certainly don't resent you for having it or think you should therefore have to open any of your homes to mistreatment by others. I don't see that it makes any difference whether it is your chalet with pool etc or a two bed council flat - it's your home.

MrsKoala · 21/01/2013 11:05

op you sound lovely, as does your home.

kungfu said everything i think (only better!).

i just wanted to say i am furious on your behalf (i haven't been this angry since the thread about a dp's mate leaving vomit all over the dc's bedroom then saying the op was boring) Angry

EldritchCleavage · 21/01/2013 11:15

FWIW DH and I own 4 properties between us, but I wouldn't dream of boasting about it

Epic Fail!

OP, I don't think, despite the way your MIL mollycoddles her, you can treat MIL as responsible for HSIL. It looks as though to HSIL, your DH is just a distant figure to whom she happens to be related, and the relationship is not important to her. To which you can only reply, 'Ok, that suits us fine' and act accordingly.

orchidee · 21/01/2013 11:26

Koala I remember that thread. Iirc it looked like the vomiter's dad would pay.

JenaiMorris · 21/01/2013 12:57

Grin Espresso - my dp leaves me to do all the tech stuff because I'm apprently "so good at that kind of thing". Drives me nuts, although it's nice to feel wanted (and I'd rather rather fiddle about with computers than mow the lawn Wink )

Astelia · 21/01/2013 12:58

bluecarrot it is the cost of lots of new bedding, three bottles of decent champagne and possibly getting the pool emptied, cleaned and refilled.

I wouldn't want my DCs to be swimming in recycled vomit mixed with disinfectant and would want the pool cleaning thoroughly.

EspressoMonkey · 21/01/2013 13:02

OMG MIL has just telehoned.

It was a short call, she said, as she was phoning abroad, but in brief she said...

  • HSIL returned home safely
  • the make up on the bedding was an accident, the girl who swore at me (lets call her Friend X from now on) apparently dropped her make up bag whilst packing in a haste and spilled some make up onto the bed.
  • HSIL is very distressed, she has fallen out with her friends over the ending of the holiday. Friend X has been very mean to her. MIL is very worried about poor HSIL.
  • apparently Friend X is known to be a trouble maker, a bully and a nasty, spoilt girl
  • i asked for HSIL's email address, MIL told me she would forward it onto me but not got it yet.

End of conversation.

My thoughts are...

  • there is no way that a make up bag dropped onto a soft bed would cause the mascara, blusher, bronzer and concealer to smash open and smear all over the bed. No signs of broken make up packaging in the bin BTW.
  • Friend X was a lovely girl. But now she is a bully, trouble maker and nasty piece of work and has been all along??? Hmm

I give up. Am handing the whole drama over to DH when he returns tonight. Am not going to fight MIL over this one. Really don't care anymore.

Oh and whilst tidying and cleaning the girls' room this morning i found another empty bottle of champagne leaving total tally of stolen alcohol at 4 x bottles of champagne, estimated cost £316.

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 21/01/2013 13:03

YANBU. But on the plus side, someone posted recently saying White Company bedsheets were awful and wore through very quickly, so you probably haven't lost as much as you imagined there.

I am Angry about your champagne. The little shits! I cannot believe how awful a lot of young people are these days.

Gigondas · 21/01/2013 13:07

I assume friend x wasn't the one who called you an old hag etc.

And sounds like a crock of shit from mil. Hsil fed up as got caught out , had to find own way back- not sorry for her behaviour. And agree that broken make up is a localised splodge - not all over the bed.

Gigondas · 21/01/2013 13:11

Sorry re read and saw she was-agree with your logic.

orchidee · 21/01/2013 13:22

Oh yes, it was hsil's friend's fault. Of course hsil is perfectly behaved. Shame they didn't realise friend x was like this before assuring you they'd all help out etc. Oh wait...

diddl · 21/01/2013 13:22

So the one who was nasty to you accidentally dropped/spilled make up.

What a most unfortunate coincidenceHmm

I did think that SIL might not know if they were not in the same room.

Think she needs to choose her friends more wisely.

Well I think I´d leave it now that you´ve said your piece.

And obviously no more guest who aren´t of your choosing!

I suppose your husband might not do much as you have already dealt with it.

orchidee · 21/01/2013 13:23

And I agree, let your husband deal with it from now. But ensure it doesn't get swept under the carpet in this new concern for poor hsil.

LessMissAbs · 21/01/2013 13:25

Orchidee "That is awful. You've no reason to explain why the chalet is important to you or why you didn't drive these people anywhere."

So why mention it? As for my mentioning that I have 4 propeties, its just a fact. I paid for half of them, my property. I just cannot be bothered with this attitude that its somehow "superior" for women to be given something than pay for it themselves and this "perfect princessy" attitude. Unless of couse the OP doesn't actually own the property properly, her name isn't solely on the title deeds and she realises she has no control over who comes and stays at "her" propety.

I am not for one moment suggesting that the behaviour of these guests was anything but appalling, but it sounds like nothing was actually broken and the damage can be dealt with quite easily. Am also puzzled as to why the OP cannot deal with things like this happening in "her own ski chalet" without phoning her DH at work. Its hardly an emergency that cannot wait until evening.

The OP also has another rented property in the country she lives in, plus a house back home. Even if she doesn't need the money, it seems incredibly wasteful to have 3 homes and not do much with them never mind resent guests coming to stay . Whether or not you need the money, I was brought up to work hard for what I have and to maximise my assets and make them work for me. If the OP doesn't want the money, she can always donate it to charity. I know quite a few people as fortunate as the OP in terms of owning large properties abroad and having wealthy husbands and not having to work for a living, but I have never heard of one boasting about being given things by their DHs (most would be too embarrassed/well educated to think it something worth boasting about).

We've all had awful guests at times. I think the OP went into this with the wrong attitude and she was unlucky that the guests became so riled by her that they probably did this quite deliberately, knowing that they wouldn't be invited back.

As for the sheep on whose bandwagon I haven't jumped, I'm kind of loving your suggestiong of coming round to one of my properties to vandalise it (good luck with that one) while condemning the relatives for making a mess on White Company sheets (which are a cliche in themselves).

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 21/01/2013 13:26

what a bunch of spiteful, spoiled brats! I would send an invoice to HSIL for ALL the damage, with a copy to your MIL and let it be known that she nor HSIL will ever be welcome in your HOME again.

I am beyond livid that this has happened to you and I know it isnt the price of the bedding, or the Champagne but the fucking principle that they trashed/stole from a family member without an apology or anything.

I think your DH should have a long, candid chat with his mother about what his sister and her friends did to your home/pool etc and that sil wasnt coerced into anything by her friends.

Bogeyface · 21/01/2013 13:31

Be sure that your DH tells her that you have it from the horses mouth that your the Hsis invited men back, told them lots of lies and stole your alcohol and that at no point was she bullied or coerced.

Gigondas · 21/01/2013 13:32

Er where did you get the bit about superior princessy attitude about being given property? That projection alongside the comments about op's job and use of wealth says more about you than her.

And the joke comments about your homes were a response to your post about op being unreasonable about damage to sheets. Personally I agree white company isn't great- but op doesn't and was rightly upset when sheets were damaged.

TotallyEggFlipped · 21/01/2013 13:36

For the sake of family unity (ie not falling out with MIL), it may be simpler to go along with her idea of things that HSIL was led astray by friend X. I'm sure that either MIL knows this is bullshit & wants to keep up appearances, or she will never be convinced that HSIL could behave in that way. Either way, I don't think trying to convince her how badly HSIL behaved is worth it - she either knows its true already, or will never believe it despite a mountain of evidence.

QueenStromba · 21/01/2013 13:37

I'm finding LessMissAbs' attitude very strange given she was on here a couple of weeks ago complaining about her lodger!

LessMissAbs · 21/01/2013 13:40

This reply has been deleted

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LittleChimneyDroppings · 21/01/2013 13:41

Lesmis, so what if she doesn't rent her house out? I presume that would be because she uses it most weekends. And even if she chose not to use it much, or rent it out, it doesn't give guests the right to damage it. That chip on your shoulder must be seriously heavy, watch you dont put your back out with it.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 21/01/2013 13:41

Less. Considering your massive post and weird perspective on parts of this which aren't even relevant like who owns what house and what they do with it, i can only assume that you have massive issues.

pluCaChange · 21/01/2013 13:42

*- there is no way that a make up bag dropped onto a soft bed would cause the mascara, blusher, bronzer and concealer to smash open and smear all over the bed. No signs of broken make up packaging in the bin BTW.

  • Friend X was a lovely girl. But now she is a bully, trouble maker and nasty piece of work and has been all along???*

Good reasoning.

The only thing I would soft pedal now is the champagne, if all of it was gifts, as you indicated for earlier bottles. Is that the reason you actually had so much of it around? Could you see your way to being a bit more "easy come, easy go" about that, or was it just that Christmas has just been, and you would have got though the supply in time?

In any case, you';re not going to get that money back, and to avoid the frustration of asking-and-not-getting, or not-asking-because-you're-not-going-to-get, frame it as "we are out of pocket for £", or "they drank £ worth of champagne and smeared makeup on £__ of sheets - yes, pillowcases, sheets, duvet... so little left uncovered that it simply can't have been an accident."

That allows you to assert damage without their being able to piss you off again by refusing to pay, as they will!

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