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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to hold a wedding reception on sister's birthday?

345 replies

Sexolette · 19/01/2013 17:04

I'll keep it short.

We recently had a tiny, family only wedding with the plan always being to have a party in the summer.

We are organising said party now and have juat sent out info to people to hold the date.

My sister has told me that obviously she is not coming as it's her birthday and why would she want to go to someone else's party on that day.

I haven't risen to the bait. Am I being unreasonable to hold the party on that date? ?

It's not a milestone birthday, mid twenties.

OP posts:
givemeaclue · 19/01/2013 21:16

Nb. It's not a wedding reception, its a party

HelenLynn · 19/01/2013 21:16

TheFallen, well, yeah, in that she and her husband did some of the conventional amount of celebrating when they had the ceremony, and are deferring the reception bit. They're not actually doing sneaky extra celebrating Smile To me, having the big party to mark the wedding on a different day from the wedding itself doesn't seem to make the party bit any less important, and I do think that the part of getting married where you gather all your friends and family together to mark this huge commitment you've made is important; I'm capable of getting quite sentimental about it. Having found myself typing that, I guess the fact that I attach a lot of importance to celebrating a marriage in its wider social context is perhaps why the time gap between ceremony and reception doesn't make the latter seem any less of an event to me, when it's clearly a significant consideration to a number of other people on this thread.

NewAndSparklyMe · 19/01/2013 21:19

Euphemia YANBU - your sister needs to get over herself. She's an adult - I'll never understand adults who want a fuss made about their birthdays.

It's not about making a fuss though, is it?! Who said she's making a fuss?! She's got every right to want to go out for a birthday meal if she wants to, or maybe a few drinks in the local.
Or whatever.
Why should she expect her sister to decide THAT was the day she wanted to have a belated wedding party, when she had every other weekend in the entire year to choose from?!
It's a case of "no shit, sherlock" if she suddenly turns round and says, no, sorry I can't come."
Something the OP should have really thought about when she booked the date.

givemeaclue · 19/01/2013 21:20

Lots of drama with your family? But you created this one?!

firesidechat · 19/01/2013 21:21

Weddings trump birthdays.

It might have been better to pick a date that didn't clash with a family birthday. Just to be on the safe side.

If I was your sister I would have attended your reception without a second thought. Wouldn't have been an issue at all, but then I'm not big on birthdays.

BooCanary · 19/01/2013 21:23

If my dsis held her wedding reception on my bday, I would think it was a weird and slightly me me me thing to do.

However, I would whinge about it to DM and dh and then suck it up and go anyway.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/01/2013 21:24

OP, why wait until summer to have the party?

And actually, it wouldn't bother me if my sister did this, but my sister would a) talk to me about it, and b) make sure I had a cake and a rousing chorus of happy birthday.

We double up birthdays all the time in my family, as we are curiously synchronized with respect to conception...

FeltOverlooked · 19/01/2013 21:26

By the way, OP, did your sister already come to the first wedding? And how far did she have to come to that / would she have to come to the party?

NewAndSparklyMe · 19/01/2013 21:28

firesidechat Weddings trump birthdays.

It's not a wedding, though, is it?! OP said she already done that as a small thing. So why do the great big party for everyone to celebrate on her sister's birthday?
She knew it was her sister's birthday. So can't really turn round and complain when said sister says no actually, she can't make it.

PrettyKitty1986 · 19/01/2013 21:30

Yes yabu. Sounds to me like you are goading your sister or trying to make some sort of point that you're more important than her. Weird way to want to remember your wedding party IMO.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 19/01/2013 21:30

Sexolette

I find it weird of her.

firesidechat · 19/01/2013 21:35

No I suppose it isn't strictly speaking a wedding and I probably wouldn't have even thought of doing it the way the Op has.

Just saying that, as a non birthday person, it wouldn't bother me. However it does seem to bother the sister and it would probably have been more sensitive to pick a different date.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 19/01/2013 21:36

The main reason I think the sister is BU is that

a) Birthdays happen every year, weddings only once (hopefully)
b) your sis will be with her family, hopefully having a nice day. Not so bad for a birthday
c) She can celebrate her Birthday with other people another day. Yay! 2 celebrations
d) caring this much about a Birthday as an adult, is, IMO childish

FeltOverlooked · 19/01/2013 21:36

"it would probably have been more sensitive to pick a different date. "

^^ this.

Or to talk to the sister properly first.

FeltOverlooked · 19/01/2013 21:37

Jamie - the wedding has already happened twice! It says small family wedding, so I am guessing the sister was there... (though OP has not confirmed).

I agree with b, c, and d. But only if the sister was actually consulted first.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 19/01/2013 21:40

givemeaclue

My interpretation would be the other way round. Sis is being drama seeking ("why would I want to go to someone else's party") because she feels a bit jealous. If it were my sister I'd roll my eyes a bit (inwardly) but make a big fuss of her at the party.

BoneyBackJefferson · 19/01/2013 21:42

JamieandtheMagicTorchSat 19-Jan-13 21:36:13

The main reason I think the sister is BU is that

a) Birthdays happen every year, weddings only once (hopefully)
The wedding has already happened
b) your sis will be with her family, hopefully having a nice day. Not so bad for a birthday
given the attitude of the OP, probably not
c) She can celebrate her Birthday with other people another day. Yay! 2 celebrations
So could the OP, after all its just a party
d) caring this much about a Birthday as an adult, is, IMO childish
maybe she has organised something with her friends, maybe she has a BF that has planned something, maybe she is going away for a couple of weeks, she might be having a party of her own, just because IYO birthdays childish doesn't mean that every feels teh same.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 19/01/2013 21:42

OK.

I'm wavering a bit

Badvoc · 19/01/2013 21:43

Yabu

Binkybix · 19/01/2013 21:44

I think it's the fact that OP has so many other commitments she could not possibly move, therefore putting all her other commitments and her party above he sister's birthday that seems a bit rich.

I personally don't care about my birthday, but doesn't stop me realising that others do.

sussexsongbird · 19/01/2013 21:47

You should still have asked her first. You could easily have called her and explained/apologised first and checked how she felt about it before sending out invitations. Getting a general invitation to your SECOND wedding, on her birthday, when presumably she has already been to your wedding once, probably felt a bit of a slight. You could have dealt with it better.

sussexsongbird · 19/01/2013 21:50

PS My Grandpa's birthday is the day before mine and he insisted on holding his family party on my birthday for his 80th, which my mum insisted I go to. I was miffed and thought I would not enjoy it. However he went off in a grump when he got tired and everyone was glad I was still there so they had someone to sing happy birthday to! Maybe you can tell you sister to invite a couple of friends and make sure there is a cake for her at your do? Soften the blow?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/01/2013 21:59

I agree with TidyDancer and actually, NO event trumps any other - not in a decent family anyway.

In our family, everybody's birthday is acknowledged, however old they are. Children receive more attention and it's gladly given. They AREN'T more important than anybody else though and that's the rule in our family - everybody is in the family and everybody will make considerations and have respect for everybody else.

I cringe at the 'how old are they, 5?' comments... so rude and dismissive. No there's no need to grand gestures for peoples' birthdays. If you don't want to make them - then don't but, if you disregard family members then that's what you do... don't be surprised then when they disregard you and yours, no matter how old you or they are. I just couldn't tolerate that nonsense. Family - all of it - is very important to me and that's the message that filters from top down and bottom up, as it should.

I wouldn't bother going to OP's party if I were her sister, not on any day. They're not close, according to OP. WTF? The sooner their relationship fragments to nothing, the happier they'll both be never having to think of each other.

Lueji · 19/01/2013 22:06

Do you even have to ask?

I don't think she overreacted.
She will obviously have her own plans so why should she go to your party?
It's not even like you have asked first if she would mind.

But you are not that close and you clearly aren't bothered about her or her birthday, so why even post here?

Lueji · 19/01/2013 22:24

Could you hold the party at your own, your DH or one of your DC's birthdays instead?

Two birds and all. :o

As birthdays are not that important...