Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To have cancelled contact because of the snow. Ex is kicking off.

150 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 15:34

He lives 2 hours drive away. hes not at home, is away with work and is 3 hours in one direction, he plans to drive here, and then 2 hours back to his with DD, and then bring her back on sunday.

It is his weekend, i dont usually mess about with contact, but the adivce is not to drive tomorrow, its a lot of driving he has to do, in terrible conditions, and i just dont want either of them to risk their safety.

he saw dd last weekend on sunday, on my weekend, because i was working and said he could if he wanted to.

Ive said that if its awful we should leave it and im happy for him to have her two weekends in a row another time, or whatever to make it up.

hes kicked off saying im stopping him seeing DD and he wants her next weekend. next weekend is her birthday party. Invites have gone out and have rsvp'ed. Its all organised. She also has another party of her best friend to go to. Its the first one shes been able to go to, because of the every other weekend at her dads, this little girl had her party the week before my dd, so classmates could go to both, but shes worked it this year so its the same weekend, but different day, so dd can be there.

Im not prepared to cancel all this. Its not my fault the weather is bad, but he can have her two weekends another time.

AIBU?
( and what else can i do about it)

OP posts:

HappyNewHissy · 17/01/2013 20:38

the contact is purely for the benefit of the child.

not the parent.

its not worth risking her safety.

yanbu

flippinada · 17/01/2013 20:38

Yes, I had a feeling it might be more about being put out at not getting his own way and wanting to have things on his terms watchout. My own XP is very similar.

NorthernLurker · 17/01/2013 22:48

I think you've shown very clearly OP, why you won't be leaving this decision up to him. Hope you have a peaceful weekend with your dd

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/01/2013 00:16

Yanbu.

He could be the best driver in the world but that won't help them when everybody else on the road who isant the best but thinks they are the stig.

It won't help them if they get stuck somewhere or breakdown and the aa take 23 hours to get to them because of all the accidents which is exactly what happened to me a few years ago when the weather was the same.

Original poster

watchoutforthatsnail · 18/01/2013 07:11

I think its unlikey he will have her now. Have woken up to 5 inches of snow. Local news/ radio is appealing for people not totravel. Heavy snow forecast for the rest of the day.

Army on standby in our area to help. Hes in the bloody army himself!!!!!

OP posts:

mademred · 18/01/2013 07:26

yANBU.as a mum go with your instincts, I would say no to my kids travelling in this weather.if anything happened you got to live with the if onlys after.tell ur ex its a big fat juicy no and to get over it.its not like your stopping contact forever just one weekend in the interest of saftey.

QuickLookBusy · 18/01/2013 07:38

The emergency services has been asking people not to travel today. I expect they would be very angry reading some of the responses on here.

Why would any sensible person, with the conditions the OP has described, want their child to go on a 2 hour car journey? I really don't get it

Dd is meant to be coming back form uni tonight. She's postponed.

We are meant to be going to a friends for dinner tonight, half an hour away on country roads, we rearranged last night.

Just stick to your guns OP.

MissPants · 18/01/2013 07:40

We live very rurally and our eldest DS lives several hours drive away at my mothers (whole other thread) so as a mother and a NRP I can honestly say that no matter how much I miss him (and it aches, it really does), I would not be insisting on picking him up for contact in this.
We have a discovery and DH is a very skilled driver but I would not be happy to put DS at risk just to fulfil my "rights" as NRP. Nor would I be willing to deprive him of his birthday party in order to make things "fair". Fair to who? Certainly not the DC.

Original poster

watchoutforthatsnail · 18/01/2013 07:51

exactly miss pants. Neither of those things are in the interest of the child, and i think, show exactly what my ex's view on this is. He doesnt think of her, only of himself.

which is why we are divorced :)

Anyway, im not going to call him and say anything, i shall wait for him to make contact with me.

OP posts:

Morloth · 18/01/2013 07:52

No, I wouldn't let her go either.

And fuck ruining her party so he can have her.

What kind of a dad wants to drive for 5 hours in dodgy conditions and/or ruin their little girl's party just so he gets his share of her?

Really?

DH wouldn't do this. Even if he hated my guts he wouldn't do this to his children.

Morloth · 18/01/2013 07:53

IMO parents don't have rights when it comes to their children, only responsibilities.

StillSlightlyCrumpled · 18/01/2013 07:57

I would keep her at home too. I've not let DS2 go to school today (SN school) because it is the other side of the county & he goes in a taxi. I still wouldn't let him go if DH or I were taking him.
It's just not worth taking the risk. Let him have his tantrum and ignore him.

ivykaty44 · 18/01/2013 07:58

YANBU

my ex has already cancelled - I never say a word and he only lives half and hour away - if dc did go to his house she would probably get there and back but if he feels it is not suitable then fair enough, and plus I don't particularly want to drive to get her there in a trip I don't have to take.

Op do you think the wife may say it would be safer not to travel and he will listen to her?

I am sure as the ex at times you are seen as the enemy and even if you talk sense they go against you as you must be wrong as you are the enemy by default

Original poster

watchoutforthatsnail · 18/01/2013 08:07

yep, im seen as the enemy. hes admitted as such and that he sees everything i see as an attack. its not, never has been. I should say theres a history of DV, from him to me. not the other way round like you might presume from that statement....

Im not going to call him and cancel, i shall wait till he contacts me.
Then its not me saying...

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 18/01/2013 15:51

I wonder how he would explain to his daughter how it is more important to cancel her party and she visit him - what sort of selfish world do some of the twits live in? I guess he would expect you to tell her the party was cancelled and just not turn up anyway.....

atthewelles · 18/01/2013 16:04

I'm still stunned at the number of posters who think OP is BU or has no right to a say in this. If, God forbid, her daughter was in a serious accident is she supposed to comfort herself with the thought 'It had nothing to do with me. It wasn't 'my' weekend'.

mynewpassion · 18/01/2013 16:09

That is what I said. Let him make the decision to not come and reschedule the weekend instead of you unilaterally saying he can't come.

Original poster

watchoutforthatsnail · 18/01/2013 18:19

luckily, he saw sense. It been snowing all day where he is, so he just wanted to get home. we agreed to re evaluate it tomorrow morning, with him possibly coming down and having dd at his mothers ( 10 miles away), but seeing the heavy snow is due tonight, i think thats unlikely. Hes now happy to have DD after her party next week and the sunday too.

Just proves its anythingn i say, once hes had a chance to realise im talking sense, he then calms down and agrees, but just always blows up in my face first... ho hum, only another 12 years or so of him doing it....

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 18/01/2013 18:34

Glad it's been resolved.

flow4 · 18/01/2013 19:00

That old mantra might be useful here, watch: you can't change his behaviour and reactions, but you can change yours.

Next time, resist the urge to offer him advice, and definitely don't 'tell' him... Wait until he has made his decision, and then you can argue with him if you need to!

flow4 · 18/01/2013 19:03

(Dealing with immature Exes is a lot like dealing with a teenager, IMO... You need to detach emotionally, and cultivate a good line in mmmms and uh-huhs, and pick your battles carefully! )

Andro · 18/01/2013 19:20

RuleBritannia
It's his child as well as yours. Let him make the decision and you step back. If he gets into problemland,let him deal with it. I'm sure he'll make sure that the DC does not suffer if he's so keen to see her.

This made me feel sick! Tell me, what would you say to OP if she followed your advice and her daughter was seriously injured (or worse)?

OP, safety first - sometimes the risks are just not worth it.

Andro · 18/01/2013 19:23

Ooops, didn't finish the thread before posting

CaptainVonTrapp · 18/01/2013 19:23

Glad its all worked out.

I'm astonished at the suggestion that he can 'do what he wants' on his weekend. WTF? For me its no different to if he turned up pissed. Of course you look out for her safety first regardless of whose turn it is.

He needs to grow up. In the meantime perhaps you could let him think things are his idea. Which is basically what flow4 said.

Morloth · 18/01/2013 20:49

I understand watchoutforthatsnail, my 2 year old can be like that.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6