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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled contact because of the snow. Ex is kicking off.

150 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 15:34

He lives 2 hours drive away. hes not at home, is away with work and is 3 hours in one direction, he plans to drive here, and then 2 hours back to his with DD, and then bring her back on sunday.

It is his weekend, i dont usually mess about with contact, but the adivce is not to drive tomorrow, its a lot of driving he has to do, in terrible conditions, and i just dont want either of them to risk their safety.

he saw dd last weekend on sunday, on my weekend, because i was working and said he could if he wanted to.

Ive said that if its awful we should leave it and im happy for him to have her two weekends in a row another time, or whatever to make it up.

hes kicked off saying im stopping him seeing DD and he wants her next weekend. next weekend is her birthday party. Invites have gone out and have rsvp'ed. Its all organised. She also has another party of her best friend to go to. Its the first one shes been able to go to, because of the every other weekend at her dads, this little girl had her party the week before my dd, so classmates could go to both, but shes worked it this year so its the same weekend, but different day, so dd can be there.

Im not prepared to cancel all this. Its not my fault the weather is bad, but he can have her two weekends another time.

AIBU?
( and what else can i do about it)

OP posts:
LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 17/01/2013 15:38

Yabu - he gets to choose, it's his weekend.

Step back, you can't tell him what to do and you don't need the hassle Smile

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 17/01/2013 15:38

could he have her at yours ?? or take the train ??

Shutupanddrive · 17/01/2013 15:40

YANBU. He can have her another weekend to make up for it. Give him time to calm down and hopefully he will realise that it's for the best

Shutupanddrive · 17/01/2013 15:40

Do you have snow yet?

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 15:43

no, he cant have her at mine, and i dont expect his wife would like that very much!!

no, he cant take the train either.

Yes, we have snow, and tons of ice, which is worse. we are expected lots tomorrow, all day. IF it doenst happen, and its fine, then of course he can have her, but if its terrible, then im not letting her go. I think he wont make it anyway, a normal 3 hour journey to here is going to take way longer.... its just silly, he saw her last weekend, im not trying to take away his time. but the advice from the met office is to stay off the roads.

OP posts:
McNewPants2013 · 17/01/2013 15:46

I just don't understand how a bit of snow panicks people so much.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/01/2013 15:48

I don't think you should stress about it right now.
Wait and see what happens.
Chances are, if it's as bad as they predict, he won't make it anyway.
Could he stay nearby in a B&B or something?

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 15:52

mcnew - it doesnt panick me, ive lived in much snowier conditions. Howver, most people in this country are not good at driving in these conditions, the roads arent gritted, and its dangerous driving conditions.

Hes not just coming from up the road, id have no issue if he were. hes got to drive 3 hours to get there, then 2 to take her to his, Its just stupid if it is heavily snowing.

If its not snowing he can have her, im not stressed, hes just gone off at me about it. Ive not said either way but wanted to give him a heads up....

OP posts:
uggmum · 17/01/2013 15:52

I'm with mcpants on this. I don't know why in this country we don't cope better in bad weather.

They are telling us not to travel, but I am going to work tomorrow, I am expected to turn up whatever the weather. My dh is in London all week, he is expected not to return home.

If you live somewhere rural with uncleared country roads then it is sensible to cancel. However, if you live on a main route then you would expect the roads to be clear.

What if it snows really badly on one of his access weekends. Would you be happy if he did not return her until all the snow melted.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 15:58

If it snowed really badly on a sunday and she was at his, no, i wouldnt want them to travel, she would have to stay there until it was safe to do so.

Like i said, ive lived in much snowier countries, as has he. But we arent the only drivers on the road, its everyone else that is the issue.

I live in a small town, he lives in a tiny village, which is rural. With 90 mins of A road in between ( that will be fine, unless its heavy snow and reduces visibility and its minus conditions )

OP posts:
YDdraigGoch · 17/01/2013 15:59

If its his weekend, its his weekend. It would be up to him to cancel if weather too bad etc. You can give your opinion, but ultimately its his choice. Sorry

Mintyy · 17/01/2013 16:01

Yanbu, op, I wouldn't want one of my children going on an unnecessary car journey in this weather. Try and talk some sense into him!

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 16:02

There is no court order....

and i did give her up last weekend for him, we are flexiable with arrangements.
We are a few years down the line here, there is no anamosity, its not a tit for tat, trying to get one over on each other, so please dont interpret it as being so.

Plus, i think, as the main carer, i can give more than my opion. If its not safe to travel, then i dont want DD NOR him risking it. Not for a 2 hour drive.

OP posts:
Mother2many · 17/01/2013 16:06

In Canada, we have lots of times where travel is "not recommended", and the other day we got 18 inches of snow.

It's his weekend. Hopefully you can convince him otherwise.

I also don't like driving when the road travel is not recommended, but I also have a car. My X has a truck and can plow through mostly anything.. So, on times like that, I say, pick the kids up at my home as I don't trust my car to get there!!!

Good luck!

mynewpassion · 17/01/2013 16:14

you should not have cancelled. let him know about the driving conditions and offer him the weekend after her birthday weekend so he gets to celebrate it too. if he still wants to pick her up then let him. however by cancelling you took away his choice which rankled him.

Moominsarescary · 17/01/2013 16:15

I think it should be his decision, he might decide it's too bad.

You didn't give her up last weekend to him, you were working and asked him if he'd like to see her on the Sunday and he said yes

atthewelles · 17/01/2013 16:18

YANBU and he sounds very irresponsible if he's willing to drive for two hours with his daughter in conditions where the official advice is not to drive.

CloudsAndTrees · 17/01/2013 16:20

Giving him a 'heads up' when there might not even be bad snow was unnecessary and bound to annoy him. Presumably he's not stupid, he'd know if the conditions made it unsafe for him to take his own dd on a long drive.

I really can't see why you feel like you are in the right to provisionally cancel his chance to see his child. If you had rung him and told him the roads near you are bad and asked him what he wanted to do about it, along with offering him the chance to see his child in her own home, then you would be in a better position.

But from the way your posts are coming across, I can see why you might have angered him.

SirBoobAlot · 17/01/2013 16:24

No I don't think you're being unreasonable. Snow and ice, and a two hour drive, after having done a three hour one before hand, would make me very nervous.

Is he invited for her party next weekend?

Sarky · 17/01/2013 16:24

Not your decision to make.

atthewelles · 17/01/2013 16:28

I don't understand the 'not your decision' remarks. Just because its exdh's weekend for access doesn't mean the OP has no right to object to something she feels is unsafe.

mrsjay · 17/01/2013 16:29

It is only snow if he is prepared to come for her then I dont see what the hassle it it really is just weather it is his decision

mynewpassion · 17/01/2013 16:33

While I don't think the OP is wrong in bringing up the road conditions and safety issue, she was 100% wrong in unilaterally canceling the contact visit. He is the father and presumable will make an informed decision if he can make the drive himself instead of her deciding for him.

Mrcrumpswife · 17/01/2013 16:34

YANBU i wouldnt want my DD doing the 3 hour drive to her Dads in this weather and i wouldnt expect him to drive her back if the roles were reversed.

Ex is an arse but i dont think even he would take a risk by putting DD in the car.

AThingInYourLife · 17/01/2013 16:34

YANBU

He's being a dick.