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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled contact because of the snow. Ex is kicking off.

150 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 15:34

He lives 2 hours drive away. hes not at home, is away with work and is 3 hours in one direction, he plans to drive here, and then 2 hours back to his with DD, and then bring her back on sunday.

It is his weekend, i dont usually mess about with contact, but the adivce is not to drive tomorrow, its a lot of driving he has to do, in terrible conditions, and i just dont want either of them to risk their safety.

he saw dd last weekend on sunday, on my weekend, because i was working and said he could if he wanted to.

Ive said that if its awful we should leave it and im happy for him to have her two weekends in a row another time, or whatever to make it up.

hes kicked off saying im stopping him seeing DD and he wants her next weekend. next weekend is her birthday party. Invites have gone out and have rsvp'ed. Its all organised. She also has another party of her best friend to go to. Its the first one shes been able to go to, because of the every other weekend at her dads, this little girl had her party the week before my dd, so classmates could go to both, but shes worked it this year so its the same weekend, but different day, so dd can be there.

Im not prepared to cancel all this. Its not my fault the weather is bad, but he can have her two weekends another time.

AIBU?
( and what else can i do about it)

OP posts:
VBisme · 17/01/2013 17:24

If your ex has lived in countries "snowier than this", then he will be well able to judge the conditions. The 15 minutes either side of the a road will be the most difficult.
Do you really think that your ex doesn't have DDs best interests at heart, because if not your problems are bigger than the weather.....

millie30 · 17/01/2013 17:25

Mynewpassion, the OP says 'I said if it's awful we should leave it' so that was my interpretation of it.

VBisme · 17/01/2013 17:26

I'm driving tomorrow, beacause I work and they don't care about Met Office warnings, and I'm dropping the kids at school on the way (along country roads), should I be leaving them at home instead?

Dogsmom · 17/01/2013 17:29

I'm also suprised at how many people are saying yabu, the forecasters have issued a red warning for some parts of the country and advised about non essential driving, it's not like there's a flurry on the way and OP has said he has to drive a long way through rural roads which I assume will be either blocked or hazardous.

Plus she gave up her last weekend for him so it's not like she's asking him to not see his child for weeks on end.

If it were me I'd see how bad it does end up being and make an informed decision tomorrow, it may not be too bad but if it is bad then could he maybe be invited to her party next weekend?

mynewpassion · 17/01/2013 17:30

her title says otherwise.

maddening · 17/01/2013 17:31

What sort of car does he drive? Does he have an emergency kit?

millie30 · 17/01/2013 17:31

Well I didn't just read the title, I read the whole post.

mrsscoob · 17/01/2013 17:32

YANBU in putting your daughters safety first. It is silly to take unnecessary risks in bad driving conditions. What if they end up stuck on a gridlocked road for hours and hours.

Just wondering what peoples responses on here would be if you and her Dad were still together and he wanted to take her on a 3 hour trip to visit his parents or something. I think you would find a lot more posters then would be agreeing with you.

AThingInYourLife · 17/01/2013 17:34

If you are prepared to put your child's life at risk by driving them 2 hours through dangerous conditions, then you are not the equal parent of the one who says no.

maddening · 17/01/2013 17:35

Ps I bet he has a bday thing planned as otherwise if I were him I would probably agree to leave it if it's bad. Driving 5 hours in the snow (and if it's over a foot which is suggested and it is windy so blizzards and drifting ) after a full day at work is not advisable and why would you risk it?

Can he not arrange someone to pick her up earleir?

frantic53 · 17/01/2013 17:35

"I've said if it's awful we should leave it" This is what the OP said isn't it? And if it is awful they should leave it. It should be about what is best for the child not what is best for either of the parents. Sounds like it's going to be, at best, a miserable journey for the child, or, at worst, downright dangerous. As to the following weekend, how would it be in the best interest of the child to cancel her birthday party and/or miss her friend's birthday party? As OP says, the weather isn't her fault and she doesn't usually interfere with access, she has a right to be concerned about her dd's safety.

maddening · 17/01/2013 17:35

I mean I can understand him being more determined if he has something planned

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 17:36

my title says otherwise, because i cant fit the whole situation in the title. ive explained in the first post.

I havent cancelled, its a ' lets see what happens'

I had to give him a heads up as he wouldnt have given in a momments thought.

I would far rather dd go tbh, ive got plans ill have to cancel if she stays with me.

If i could let him have her any evening to make up for it ( should she end up not going) i would, but its not practical given the distance.

He would not come to her party, his ex wife wouldnt be happy, and it would be awkward as hell seeing as its in my house and no other adults, bar my mother are going to be there.

Ive offered him the sunday or even to pick dd up straight after her party but he said thats not good enough.

Its not 15 mins either side of the a road...... yesterday those 20 mins turned into 3 hours. people were stuck, some didnt get home.

I dont want that for DD, stuck in a freezing car for hours, and i dont want that for him either.

Its not my fault its snowing ( and its just started) but if its not safe to travel, then im not letting her go.

OP posts:
OpheliasWeepingWillow · 17/01/2013 17:37

Lordy. You really didn't consult him?

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 17/01/2013 17:38

And I do think people are being hysterical about snow. It's just snow. And ice yes but god how does half of Europe cope?

AThingInYourLife · 17/01/2013 17:40

Driving in a blizzard is worse than playing with knives.

Learning how to use a knife is a useful skill.

Driving in a blizzard is totally fucking stupid and pointless. You only do it in an emergency.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 17:41

its not possible for anyone to take her sooner, she will be at school ( so long as they dont close, which is likely....)

and then i wouldnt want anyone else driving in it either.

Im not driving in it,it would be a 4 hour round trip without snow.

if its bad i doubt he would be able to get here anyway...

OP posts:
millie30 · 17/01/2013 17:41

That's ok then. If they get into an accident the OP can soothe herself with the knowledge that he is an equal parent, she had no say in the matter, he must obviously care about his DD's safety too and they have snow in Europe.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 17:42

the ' heads up' was me consulting him, ive not said for definate either way,
he just went off at me that cancelling it was even on the cards.

OP posts:
Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 17:44

and hes not an equal parent, he has her 2 days out of 14.

there is nothing equal about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 17:46

if he was local, it wouldnt be an issue at all.
its the distance.

and im as much concerned about his safety as i am hers.

OP posts:
Matildaduck · 17/01/2013 17:46

I would cancel. He's irresponsiblevif it's heavy snow.
My cupboards are stocked we won't go out. Why would you? Its sledge time :-)

Daddelion · 17/01/2013 17:46

Well, I suppose he should take responsibility for living a two hour drive away.

If he lives that far away he should expect problems.

Geeklover · 17/01/2013 17:48

Yanbu. I live in the north of Scotland and my 2 main routes out are the A9 and the A96.
They are both main roads but the weather can change suddenly on them and if you travel against advice you can find yourself facing closed roads and shut snow gates.
I'm supposed to be travelling this weekend. I'm just not chancing it because the weather has been bad and more forecast.
I had a similar situation just before christmas with ex who is a nob that would travel anyway thinking he knows best. He has been driving less than a year and really has no clue how bad it gets. To be fair to him as the roads got worse he did agree that travelling was crazy.
To me it's not just the road conditions at the time of travelling it's how fast the weather changes and the possibility of ending up stuck somewhere.

VBisme · 17/01/2013 17:48

How many ex wives does this guy have? (or was that a freudian slip?)

You've convinced yourself that you're doing the right thing, which is fine, entirely your decision, but I'm not sure why you posted in AIBU.......