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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled contact because of the snow. Ex is kicking off.

150 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 15:34

He lives 2 hours drive away. hes not at home, is away with work and is 3 hours in one direction, he plans to drive here, and then 2 hours back to his with DD, and then bring her back on sunday.

It is his weekend, i dont usually mess about with contact, but the adivce is not to drive tomorrow, its a lot of driving he has to do, in terrible conditions, and i just dont want either of them to risk their safety.

he saw dd last weekend on sunday, on my weekend, because i was working and said he could if he wanted to.

Ive said that if its awful we should leave it and im happy for him to have her two weekends in a row another time, or whatever to make it up.

hes kicked off saying im stopping him seeing DD and he wants her next weekend. next weekend is her birthday party. Invites have gone out and have rsvp'ed. Its all organised. She also has another party of her best friend to go to. Its the first one shes been able to go to, because of the every other weekend at her dads, this little girl had her party the week before my dd, so classmates could go to both, but shes worked it this year so its the same weekend, but different day, so dd can be there.

Im not prepared to cancel all this. Its not my fault the weather is bad, but he can have her two weekends another time.

AIBU?
( and what else can i do about it)

OP posts:
moonstorm · 17/01/2013 17:49

YANBU Like you, I have lived in snowier countries. Unlike here, I never worried about driving in the snow. I trusted the other drivers (as far as I could).

Here, people's cars are not prepared for the weather (driving on summer tyres), and I don't trust other drivers - only in England will you get idiots driving in awful conditions at full speed (big generalisation, but honestly I have not seen this in other countries).

elastamum · 17/01/2013 17:51

YANBU. Contact is for the child, its not for parents. Both parents should consider the childs best interests. Maybe all those who think she is unreasonable should ask themselves what they would REALLY do. Would all those saying YABU put their children in the car tomorrow for a 3 hour trip out.. thought not Hmm

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 17/01/2013 17:53

Well I still think YABU

OwlLady · 17/01/2013 17:55

i can see both sides tbh butshe is your daughter and as her mum you will make decisions based on her safety, I think he is being unreasonable as he wants to ruin her bloody birthday party and he is being petty BUt he most probably misses her as well.

Matildaduck · 17/01/2013 17:56

Its true how many got stuck in cars last year..

AngelWreakinHavoc · 17/01/2013 17:58

'But there is some weird Daddy fetish on this site at times.'

Is this a serious statement?

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 17:59

lots of people were stuck in cars all night here on tuesday night. wasnt even last year.......

also, im his only ex wife... not sure what you are implying by that, VBisme.

OP posts:
VBisme · 17/01/2013 18:01

He would not come to her party, his ex wife wouldnt be happy, and it would be awkward as hell seeing as its in my house and no other adults, bar my mother are going to be there.

That's what I was referring to.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 18:03

oh, thats my typo, sorry. his wife wouldnt be happy. im the ex wife.

OP posts:
VBisme · 17/01/2013 18:07

If the weathers really bad then I doubt he'll turn up at all. I know that's no comfort when you don't really know what he'll do tomorrow.

SparkleSoiree · 17/01/2013 18:08

and he is not an equal parent, he has her 2 days out of 14.

there is nothing equal about that.

Whilst it may be an uneven balance in the day to day of things in the eyes of the law he is regarded as an equal parent by the fact he has Parental Responsibility and his opinion is no less than yours, it's equally regarded. Therefore if he decides that he is still going to adhere to his contact weekend then you do have a problem if you are going to object to it.. even if you TELL him it's not happening this event will set up some negativity between you..

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 18:14

yes, yes, im fully aware what the law says.

Come hell or high water am i going to risk my DD being safe.

If the weather is as bad as they say, then he wont be able to come and i wont have to say anything... he will be able to see for himself.

If its a blizzard and i have to tell him, id rather tell him and face an ear bashing, and keep my dd safe.

She is more important than he is, its about her needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 18:16

The local news/ paper say blizzards predicted, advice not to leave the house, not to travel.

i cant see how, in any way, travelling when the advice is not to ,is in her best interests.

OP posts:
OwlLady · 17/01/2013 18:17

his wife needs to grow up

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 18:23

well yes, she does. But in any case, if the weather is bad, him travelling here, and staying here, isnot an option either, if its too bad to travel, then its too bad to travel.

OP posts:
maddening · 17/01/2013 18:27

Also - if my dfiance said he wanted to drive ds 3 hours in the weather that is predicted then we would be having the same discussion - although he wouldn't as he is super cautious - he doesn't want me and ds to out tomorrow if it's bad - I respect that as an equal parent. Really the argument gets lost in the fact that you are not together - regardless of the contact arrangement op has a right to express her concern which is all she has done.

pinklady1107 · 17/01/2013 18:28

YABU

My two are being collected by their Dad tomorrow and have a 2hr train/bus/walk in front of them.

I've bought them new wellies tonight, I'll pack the usual hats etc and a snack for the train. I expect him to come and if the trains are buggered I expect him to make alternative arrangements to get them back to his. I won't be around to pick them up so am assuming he will continue as per the routine and sort himself and them out.

It's his and their time together, he is a parent as much as me and is more than capable of deciding what it safe and what isn't xxx

TinyDancingHoofer · 17/01/2013 18:32

YABU! Unless you get over 20 inches of snow.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 18:33

the trains here are all fucked. long delays, lots stopped. The A road ( that he will have to travel on )has been blocked all day due to a fatal accident, and has only just re opened.

I cant hang up all responsibilty with regards to that, i just cant.

Pink - what will you do if he cant get to you and pick up the children, due to the weather?

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 17/01/2013 18:33

YANBU to not want her to travel if the weather is as bad as is predicted. You probably could have handled the situation a lot better by starting a discussion with him about "what are we going to do if the weather is as bad as they say?" rather than telling him "you" are cancelling contact if it snows. You clearly think you have more of a say over his contact being the person with the majority of care but no doubt he doesn't think that.

YABU to say he isn't an equal parent purely because he only sees his daughter days out of 14. He lives 2 hours a way. Could he practically share her time 50/50? Many Non Resident Parents have the limited contact forced on them despite wanting more time, it is very unreasonable to say they are unequal parents because of that.

DoubleYew · 17/01/2013 18:35

Not about snow but I was advised by SS that as the parent who has ds the majority of the time it was up to me to make the decision about whether I was concerned about anything when handing him over, just as I would judge whether to hand him over to nursery or a swimming instructor. His dad has mental health problems so its not the same exactly but OP does have a say over her safety.

I'm sure he doesn't want to miss out on seeing her around her birthday but weather happens, illness happens, accidents happen. I agree with whoever said if he lived closer it wouldn't be such a big problem.

Invite him again to birthday party, offer phonecalls, Skype etc. Neurotic wife is not your problem - invite them both? They probably won't come but its trying to make the situation work.

NorthernLurker · 17/01/2013 18:36

I don't see 'both sides' at all. Hell would freeze over before I permitted my daughter to be taken anywhere by anyone if I judged there to be an unreasonable risk to her wellbeing - and 'anyone' includes her father. The OP is following the national advice. Her ex is being a prat. The child is not a possession that he gets to have his 'turn' with. If it's safe tomorrow of course she will go. If it isn't she won't. I can't understand why any loving parent would want anything else to happen. It's not about 'not coping' with snow. It's about saying 'do we have to do this journey?' and the answer is no.

I'm frankly stunned that so many of you are saying 'it's his weekend'. No it isn't. It's the weekend he see his child and if circumstances make that hard well that's just tough. As an adult, I'm sure he should be able to manage his disappointment, make fresh plans for the future with his dd and generally not behave like a obnoxious puppy with a chew toy.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 18:37

choc, that is actually what i said......... and he went off at me.

and no, hes not an equal parent. Im sorry, i know in the eyes of the law he is, but hes not invovled in any of her life choices, etc... he just picks her up on the weekend and drops her back. I do 12 out of 14 days. That is not, in any way, equal.
( and im sure any lone parent, in the same situation, would agree)

OP posts:
PeneloPeePitstop · 17/01/2013 18:38

What NorthernLurker said.

The safety of the child must be paramount.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 18:39

double yew - yes, thats the advice i have from my solicitor as well, and im resident parent int he divorce. Any contact has to be agreed by me, and thats whats signed in the divorce paperwork.

OP posts: