Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled contact because of the snow. Ex is kicking off.

150 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 15:34

He lives 2 hours drive away. hes not at home, is away with work and is 3 hours in one direction, he plans to drive here, and then 2 hours back to his with DD, and then bring her back on sunday.

It is his weekend, i dont usually mess about with contact, but the adivce is not to drive tomorrow, its a lot of driving he has to do, in terrible conditions, and i just dont want either of them to risk their safety.

he saw dd last weekend on sunday, on my weekend, because i was working and said he could if he wanted to.

Ive said that if its awful we should leave it and im happy for him to have her two weekends in a row another time, or whatever to make it up.

hes kicked off saying im stopping him seeing DD and he wants her next weekend. next weekend is her birthday party. Invites have gone out and have rsvp'ed. Its all organised. She also has another party of her best friend to go to. Its the first one shes been able to go to, because of the every other weekend at her dads, this little girl had her party the week before my dd, so classmates could go to both, but shes worked it this year so its the same weekend, but different day, so dd can be there.

Im not prepared to cancel all this. Its not my fault the weather is bad, but he can have her two weekends another time.

AIBU?
( and what else can i do about it)

OP posts:
MummytoKatie · 17/01/2013 18:40

10 years ago my husband left his office the second he saw the first snowflake. It took him 20 mins to get to his car (as usual). He then had a 12 mile journey on an A road to get home. It took him 7 hours. What made it worse was that there was no real mobile signal so he couldn't contact me.

I can't imagine why anyone would want to risk getting stuck in snow.

pinklady1107 · 17/01/2013 18:42

It will be up to him to sort, I won't physically be here. Sorry if that sounds hard and cold but he is a responsible adult and were it me who was collecting and couldn't, I would expect to sort that out myself.

It's not even a question for me tbh, he's their dad he has assured them and me he will be collecting tomorrow and I will go about my own day as planned xx

LilyBolero · 17/01/2013 18:43

Depending on what part of the country the OP is in, the weather forecast for tomorrow and Saturday is pretty atrocious. Snow and ice is not good to drive in, especially if you don't have chains or a 4x4. I wouldn't be happy about one of my children driving for hours in that weather.

So I don't think you are being unreasonable, especially as you are happy to rejig the arrangements later on.

AltinkumATEalltheTurkey · 17/01/2013 18:48

I don't think YABU, we've not log had a car over turned in our street, because of black ice, its -7 here currently and is expected to get worse, tomorrow with low temps, and snow, and ice underneath it, I'd say no also.

It's not fair on your dd, nor is it fair on you to worry about a due, expecially when the police have advised, not to drive!!!

frantic53 · 17/01/2013 18:48

How old is DD? Is she old enough to have a say in whether or not she wants to risk being stranded in a blizzard this weekend? What about being able to get her back on Sunday so that she doesn't miss school? Can the father guarantee this? If he can't deliver her back can he make arrangements to be off work to look after her until the journey is possible? There are all sorts of possible ramifications to taking a child away from her home in conditions such as those forecast for this weekend. Confused

NorthernLurker · 17/01/2013 18:52

My pil have lived in Scotland all their lives. Fil knows how to drive in snow and ice and they still had a nasty accident two years ago when the car slid then flipped and rolled. They ended up upside down in a field. Thankfully they were unhurt (God bless VW!) Accidents can happen to anyone in winter conditions. It's not unreasonable to take that in to account.

AThingInYourLife · 17/01/2013 19:04

"It will be up to him to sort, I won't physically be here. Sorry if that sounds hard and cold"

I would have gone with idiotic and foolhardy...

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 19:12

DD is almost 7. She doesnt want to go if its bad weather.

Should the weather prevent him getting her back here, well, it cant, he goes away sunday night on a course, and will not be able to take time off till its safe to get her back. So, she will have noone to look after her.

Pink, sorry, but that sounds silly in this weather, if he cant physically get there, what can he do? as their mother, you wouldnt possibly just leave them stranded, would you?

Im more than happy to rejig so he can have her two weekends in a row or something, when its better weather. Ive offered next sunday too, but he said that wasnt good enough....

OP posts:
outtolunchagain · 17/01/2013 19:15

OP I live in the same area as you ( suspected as much but confirmed with comments about fatal accident) I really wouldn't be happy and think you are not being unreasonable . Hopefully in reflection your dh will realise that it's not about him managing the journey it is about your dd coping with it.

If she does go I would pack plenty of warm clothes, food , a flask of hot soup or pasta maybe , boots in case she has to walk and a blanket . The police were complaining today that people were stuck in cars and running out of petrol because they had to run their engines to keep warm .

flippinada · 17/01/2013 19:16

YANBU, it's obvious from reading your posts and your DD's safety is paramount here.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 19:19

I dont want my Dd out walking in temps of -10!!! cold, and stuck for hours :(

yes, i heard that,and worried about people inoffice clothes beingstuck for hours and not warm enough, then like you say, running out of petrol.

Its just nuts.

Im not letting it happen.

The local news said they hope people see what happened today and will realise it only takes a second in conditions like today, and will think twice about travelling.

How can i ignore that and send dd out in that for 2 hours?

OP posts:
flippinada · 17/01/2013 19:20

If you're in a part of the country which has a red alert then you are doubly NBU.

What's with the 'it's just weather' crowd - severe weather can be very dangerous. A red alert is very serious not to mention rare, the Met Office don't put them out for shits and giggles.

frantic53 · 17/01/2013 19:26

Well, if he can't take time off next week then he's nothing short of foolish to take her if he can't guarantee getting her back is he? If she, herself, isn't keen to travel in bad weather, then he's being a bit of knob to insist that she goes no matter what. Doesn't sound like a dad who has his DD's best interests at heart tbh. Confused

sauvignonismydrug · 17/01/2013 19:32

It doesn't matter what it says in your paperwork, unless you have been to court and have been granted residency you have no more rights over decision than he does. As I said, I understand your concerns but I thin you have handled this in a way that will lead to antagonism.
And I am a mum who is seeing her daughter travel a long way to dads tomorrow so she can spend one of the weekends around her birthday with her dad

Yfronts · 17/01/2013 19:34

the snow is due to be very bad this weekend so yanbu. also it's very unfair on your DD to miss her birthday party.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 19:43

im usually fine with contact, please dont try and make this into an issue that it isnt.

Hes fine with the amount of contact that he has. He has her usually every otherweekend and some of the school holidays, his work permitting.

Its in the divorce paperwork, agreed by the court, that any contact is agreed by me.

and that im the resident parent.

I did not call him up and say it was cancelled, i called up and said that the weather was bad and what did he want to do, and what if it was too bad to travel, and he went off at me. I dont really see how i could have handled that any better tbh.

OP posts:
RuleBritannia · 17/01/2013 19:47

It's his child as well as yours. Let him make the decision and you step back. If he gets into problemland,let him deal with it. I'm sure he'll make sure that the DC does not suffer if he's so keen to see her.

flow4 · 17/01/2013 19:48

I don't think you're BU watch, and in a similar situation I wouldn't let my DC go either. Even if it's safe to drive tomorrow, in our area they have forecast snow for 7 of the next 8 days, and he may not be able to bring her back. Or it may not be safe to bring her back, but he may risk it anyway if he has other plans.

But this is a learning experience, isn't it?! Next time, leave discussions at "Well, let's see... Let's talk tomorrow at X o'clock, shall we?" I bet he would have come to the same decision if you'd left him to it... And maybe he still will... :)

flippinada · 17/01/2013 19:52

watchout you haven't done anything wrong and you've handled the situation appropriately. If it's not safe then it's not safe.

Is your XH normally a sensible sort of person, is this out of character? I'm just (giving the benefit of the doubt here) wondering if he was lashing out verbally because he's upset at not seeing his DD but will then calm down?

flippinada · 17/01/2013 19:54

I should say upset at (potentially) not seeing his DD.

sauvignonismydrug · 17/01/2013 19:56

Agree with flow4.

Watch, even if you did have a reasonable conversation you are now saying she's not going. And I'm a bit confused as you said you didn't have a contact order. If you are referring to the statement of arrangements as your paperwork, that isn't a legal document it simply sets out he situation at the time of separation. Not that it matters really.

landofsoapandglory · 17/01/2013 19:57

I presume from the fact that you already have snow and ice that you could be in a similar area/region of the country to me. We, also, have had 2 days of dense fog and it was -7 here this morning. Out side my house is like a ice rink.

Maybe, just maybe if the weather forecast wasn't that it was going to get worse and the snowfall wasn't due to be heavy and prolonged I might let her go, but not as it stands currently. So, in my view YANBU OP.

We live really rurally. DS2 has been at school all week because he has had GCSE exams and Science ISA's, DS1 on the otherhand has only been going in when he has had A2 exams, otherwise he has been revising at home.

DH works 49 miles away, he has been going with sleeping bags, water, snacks, a flask of tea, blankets and a shovel. I am actually cross that he has been told no matter what, he has to go to work in the morning!

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 19:59

Hes generally arsey about anything i say that isnt what he wants to hear and that he will always shout me down ( said in front of other people too)

Theres a history of abuse...

but, end of the day, if its not safe to travel, DD is not travelling.

OP posts:
Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 20:15

sauv- its in the divorce paperwork, the divorce has been agreed, its a condition of that.
Im saying, if the weather is bad she is definatley not going, if its ok, then she can.

We have not been to court specifiaclly for contact, he doesnt want and cant have any more contact than he already has.

Im not trying to fuck with his contact, i just want my dd to be safe,and when the advice for the area is not to travel and there are fatal accidents and road blocks on the exact road he needs to go on, then its just tough.

OP posts:
MeaninglessStrife · 17/01/2013 20:19

YANBU. I am 'so' glad that this is not exs contact weekend as I know i would be facing exactly the same issue - and he doesn't even have the children overnight. He has always been reckless, is still abusive and would go up like a firework if I dared to suggest that it wouldn't be safe for the children to do 4 hour round trip in a car with a man who assumes that he is the most competent driver in the world.

Any man who objects to having to follow some fairly extreme weather warnings, potentially putting that child at risk, so that they get their 'share' of that child and then threatening to deliberately ruin a birthday weekend does NOT have that childs interests at heart. Stick to your guns OP - he is being an unreasonable arse.