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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled contact because of the snow. Ex is kicking off.

150 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 17/01/2013 15:34

He lives 2 hours drive away. hes not at home, is away with work and is 3 hours in one direction, he plans to drive here, and then 2 hours back to his with DD, and then bring her back on sunday.

It is his weekend, i dont usually mess about with contact, but the adivce is not to drive tomorrow, its a lot of driving he has to do, in terrible conditions, and i just dont want either of them to risk their safety.

he saw dd last weekend on sunday, on my weekend, because i was working and said he could if he wanted to.

Ive said that if its awful we should leave it and im happy for him to have her two weekends in a row another time, or whatever to make it up.

hes kicked off saying im stopping him seeing DD and he wants her next weekend. next weekend is her birthday party. Invites have gone out and have rsvp'ed. Its all organised. She also has another party of her best friend to go to. Its the first one shes been able to go to, because of the every other weekend at her dads, this little girl had her party the week before my dd, so classmates could go to both, but shes worked it this year so its the same weekend, but different day, so dd can be there.

Im not prepared to cancel all this. Its not my fault the weather is bad, but he can have her two weekends another time.

AIBU?
( and what else can i do about it)

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 17/01/2013 16:34

On the flip side, ex unilaterally decided that he wants birthday weekend instead and now OP is kicking off. She doesn't like it when a decision is made for her, why should her ex like it when she does it for him.

AngelWreakinHavoc · 17/01/2013 16:35

YABU. it is his weekend.

AThingInYourLife · 17/01/2013 16:37

It's just weather?

You mean like Hurricane Sandy?

Weather can be dangerous, yes?

atthewelles · 17/01/2013 16:40

Its not the same mynew. By insisting on the following weekend the ex is depriving the daughter of her birthday party. That is being unfair on his child.

DeckSwabber · 17/01/2013 16:43

You are not being unreasonable to be concerned - there are warnings! - and also to offer an alternative.

Could you send him a conciliatory message to say it is his decision and you will work round him if he needs to change plans because of the weather? Perhaps suggest he drives over and they go out for the day locally?

millie30 · 17/01/2013 16:47

YANBU and I don't understand why some posters are implying that it is your Ex's 'right' if he wants to put your DD at risk during his contact time. Bizarre.

SunflowersSmile · 17/01/2013 16:54

YANBU.
I understand your concern. Your ex insisting on Birthday party weekend is petty and childish.

AThingInYourLife · 17/01/2013 16:56

I know, millie, it is weird.

But there is some weird Daddy fetish on this site at times.

CaptChaos · 17/01/2013 16:59

YABU and have cancelled his contact pretty frivolously. It's not your call to make.

atthewelles · 17/01/2013 17:02

How is concern for her daughter's safety 'frivolous'?

Moominsarescary · 17/01/2013 17:02

Probably because she has told him he should leave it, not had a conversation asking him what he thought they should do if the weather is bad.

It might be fine, or it might be ok to pick her up Saturday instead.

millie30 · 17/01/2013 17:04

Why isn't it her call to make? Does the OP surrender her parental status during his weekends or something?

ratbagcatbag · 17/01/2013 17:04

Tough one, we live around 5 miles from DSS but the roads can be lethal, we should pick him up from husk mums tomorrow eve, we've already had the conversation that should it be bad we will not risk it, but will play it by ear.
Can you offer FaceTime, Skype etc so that he can have some contact. I think it was possibly the way you worded it may have sent him off rather than it actually being cancelled.

AThingInYourLife · 17/01/2013 17:06

Yeah, the bimbos in the Met Office and their frivolous safety warnings...

Kalisi · 17/01/2013 17:07

Ywnbu to voice your concerns but I'm afraid I'm siding with the posters that are saying it is not your decision to make.
As her Father, I'm assuming he also cares about dd's safety. The roads could be completely safe and clear tomorrow and all the worry may be in vain.

specialsubject · 17/01/2013 17:08

yes, plenty of other countries cope with lots more snow. They are the ones that get it regularly for months on end, so it is worth having lots more equipment, snowploughs etc.

Most of the UK does not get that much snow, that often. So when it does come down big-time (as per tomorrow's forecast) we have to think about relinquishing our god-given right to travel big distances.

the OP may be a good driver, but there are plenty of clueless muppets out there who will be in each other's boots, demanding to drive at the limit, and all the other crap we all see.

'is your journey really necessary?' If it isn't, don't go.

atthewelles · 17/01/2013 17:12

Stunned that some people think the OP has no say in this. If her DH was letting her play with sharp knives or walk to the shops on her own during her weekends with him, would her mother still have no say in it.
He wants to take her on a two hour drive in conditions which have already been flagged, by the weather experts, as dangerous for driving.

millie30 · 17/01/2013 17:14

I would suggest that a father who insists on travelling against advice in order to exert his rights isn't actually that concerned about his DD's safety. The OP actually said if it is awful they should leave it, which seems to be a sensible suggestion. She hasn't told him it's not happening, just that if the weather is that bad it shouldn't go ahead.

Daddelion · 17/01/2013 17:16

'But there is some weird Daddy fetish on this site at times.'

I know, some people think they're equal parents!
They'll be giving them the right to vote next.

MumOfTheMoos · 17/01/2013 17:17

It's his weekend; it's his decision not yours.

You say you're the main carer But that doesn't give you be right to make the decisions when he's doing the caring. You wouldn't like it if he did that to you.

millie30 · 17/01/2013 17:21

The other day a woman was told it was none of her business that her 7 year old son was being kept up until 11pm on school nights during his time with his father, seriously affecting his school work and impacting on his moods and behaviour when he came home to her. Surely a parent (of either gender) still has the right to an opinion on shit parenting, even if it happens during the other one's contact time.

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 17/01/2013 17:21

This is nothing like 'playing with knives'. Hmm

The question you need to ask yourself is 'if this went to court can I justify keeping dd'.

If he's putting her in danger with knives and sky diving you can make a case - but we're talking about going in a car and your ex takes her in a car all the time so if he normally makes sensible decisions then this one is his decision.

Have an opinion by all means but he has equal parenting status - so you don't get to choose, just as he doesn't get to tell you what to do. Smile

mynewpassion · 17/01/2013 17:22

milli30, the op said that she cancelled the contact visit not wait and see if the roads are bad or good.

sauvignonismydrug · 17/01/2013 17:23

YABU and you are also being unreasonable to suggest you get more of a say as you are the main carer. You are both her parents, you both should be making key decisions and neither of you has more status in that field than the other. The problem seems to be that you have told dad what to do, and now seem surprised that he has reacted badly. I do understand your concerns but you have handled this in the wrong way. If he doesn't see your daughter next week either it will be 3 weeks between contact, which is too long for a young child.

atthewelles · 17/01/2013 17:24

The point is Lauries he is doing something that is against official advice and is putting her in danger. Her mother is perfectly entitled to object to this and to 'have a say' in it. They are still both jointly parenting their daughter. The mother doesn't just step away from all concern or responsibility when it's not 'her' weekend.