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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:

MrsHuxtable · 16/01/2013 21:22

Oh God,
you sound like my MIL when DD was born a year ago. Let's just say neither DH nor I are speaking to her anymore, she hasn't seen her first grandchild in over half a year and won't be in the future if she doesn't make some drastic changes. And no, she's not invited to DD's 1st birthday party!

Keep going the way you are, OP, and that will be you not far down the line.

Spuddybean · 16/01/2013 21:22

What do you think should happen then if not to just go along with whatever she says? Genuinely curious into how much input you think you should have?

My exFIL once said to me when i said something about dc he didn't agree with 'well as gps we would have something to say about that and would expect to have a say in how the dc are raised'. I laughed. What rights do you think you actually have/should have? apart from visits when it suits your son and dil.

Sabriel · 16/01/2013 21:23

What everyone else said.

And I really don't get the photo thing. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby. Yes it does sound very silly. This was the sort of thing my MIL did at every visit. It got to the point that I wanted to move far far away rather than have to put up with her anymore. There is no way on earth either of my BILs would have been holding my PFB for a photo immediately after birth.

She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included. You seem to have forgotten that this is her child, and not yours.

FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn · 16/01/2013 21:23

"Family will be coming to see my son and grandchild"

So once again your DIL gets left out of the equation? Wow.

squeakytoy · 16/01/2013 21:23

"There is no point having a party if she's going to take baby home after a couple of hours. Family will be coming to see my son and grandchild"

oh, so they wont be coming to see her then? wow, you really do sound a nasty piece of work..

dinkystinky · 16/01/2013 21:23

Don't have a party then Op - let THEM have one when they are good and ready.

LtEveDallas · 16/01/2013 21:23

OP, this child may be your grandchild - but it's your sons CHILD. It is up to him and his wife (the child's MOTHER) to do what they want with THEIR CHILD.

You have children. You have had 'your turn'. This is about them, NOT YOU.

Leave them to parent, visit, love their child as they see fit. It is not your choice.

HecateWhoopass · 16/01/2013 21:24

Yes. At this point that is EXACTLY what you are supposed to do.

Don't try to assert yourself as head of this extended family. You will lose.

She has just pushed a person out of her body. Leave her alone. She's not the vessel that delivered your child. she is the mother of her child. Your grandchild.

Your relationship will be better if you back off a bit, stop making it about you and what you want and photos of your sons holding your grandchild and remember the person who just delivered this new member of the family!

I realise it's a fair few years since you had a newborn, so you may have forgotten how exhausted you are. How sore you are. How overwhelmed you are. The lochia gushing out of you...

You can wait until she has settled into it a bit, surely to god.

Samnella · 16/01/2013 21:25

Sorry OP but I think YABU. You are the gran not the mother and need to understand your place in the pecking order. I think you just need to back off and give them a bit of a space. They are tired. Those first 6 weeks are hideous and she just wants to nest a bit with her own family - yes your DS, DIL and DGC are a family in their own right. I would find that hard to get my head round I think but that's what this really comes down to.

Just back off and when you do make plans make sure she is fully consulted and included. That wouldn't be a family party where its suggested she leave her new-born baby to rest. The message to her will be 'thank you incubator you may leave now'.

My mum is so good at all this. She told me once she sees her job as Gran and MIL to have a zip over her mouth . She never criticises or comments and always respects what we want.

Your time will come to get more involved.

Congratulations on the grandchild.

nilbyname · 16/01/2013 21:25

There is no point having a party if she's going to take baby home after a couple of hours. Family will be coming to see my son and grandchild

There you are then, you have it in a nutshell. You are completely disinterested in your DIL and her needs with her newborn baby.

You sound deranged and selfish. HTH.

pollyblue · 16/01/2013 21:25

Family will be coming to see my son and grandchild

so they won't be coming to see your DIL too - who is part of your family and the childs mother?

bloody hell

CommanderShepard · 16/01/2013 21:26

I almost feel the need to ring my MIL and tell her I love her. Almost. I cannot even begin to tell you how unreasonable you are.

Schnarkle · 16/01/2013 21:27

Naturally your Dil should just hand over her baby to you, to do as you see fit. I expect your own mother / mother in law did the same yes?

Cop ON!

SquinkiesRule · 16/01/2013 21:27

I think the new Mom may be being a bit precious, but wouldn't say anything to her, it's her first time being a Mom. At 4 days I had all the family over and we sat and drank tea and I nursed, at 2 weeks I went to a friends baby shower with the baby, MIL came with me so I had extra hands, and had a brilliant time. Some Moms like to hole up at home and not see anyone, different folks and all that.
I'd wait a few more weeks and then invite her round for tea, then you can take pictures of the whole family, not forgetting the bay's actual mother, so she doesn't feel like you see her as some sort of baby factory milk producer.
If she makes excuses and won't visit then with her Dh, then you are up the creek Grandma, as she wants it all her way and doesn't give a crap about what the rest of her new family want. I wouldn't turn it into a big fight though as you will not win, you'll just have to leave them to get on with it.

LtEveDallas · 16/01/2013 21:27

There is no point having a party if she's going to take baby home after a couple of hours. Family will be coming to see my son and grandchild

No, family will be coming to see your son and HIS family, not yours. They are their own unit now, and if you carry on like this you will never be a part of it.

5madthings · 16/01/2013 21:27

Yabvu.

Your son and his girlfriend could visit desperately.

You dil may well not be feeling up to party with lots if relatives, if she has said she will come for a few hours and then go home I think that is perfectly reasonable of her and if course she will take her newborn baby home with her. Family will get to see him and then mum and baby can go before they get too tired and before baby gets over stimulated.

FeltOverlooked · 16/01/2013 21:27

OK, for a start, surely they are there to see your son, DIL and grandchild. They are a family now.

Secondly, two hours is plenty, how much new-born do they need to see? Or wait till the baby is older and the baby and mother can stay longer.

It is absolutely not on to suggest that DIL leave an eight-week-old baby at a party so it can be shown off.

My MIL played all these games. Luckily not to me, but to my SIL. I thank the lord that my SIL broke her in for me.

When I had my first-born, I set my sister up as gatekeeper and we not only had a limit on guests but we would only see them on Tuesdays, Thursdays or Saturdays. I had a traumatic birth, was very unwell and weak still, and it was what I needed. Sometimes you need to do these things.

CunningPlan · 16/01/2013 21:28

Family will be coming to see my son and grandchild.

But not your DIL

I sense a history here.

Seriously, get a grip. You have no right to make any demands on DIL, your son or the baby and it is unfair of you to put your son in a position where he has to choose between you. I'm afraid to say that you are going to be very hurt when he chooses them.

If you want up be estranged from them, you are going the right way about it. If you were my MIL, I would never forgive you for being so demanding.

Spuddybean · 16/01/2013 21:28

Wow. What is DIL to you. Just a necessary inconvenience to furnish you with gc's? You are not important in this equation. You are being seriously creepy. I rarely say things like this, but i am so shocked by your expectation to be in charge.

jamdonut · 16/01/2013 21:28

it took me so long to type my previous comment out, I now have some of my questions answered!!

Can I add....you may love your family, and want to spend time with them,but THEY are now a family and want to spend time together, without demands being put on them. Do you really need to have a 'party'? That just sounds like wanting to showcase the baby!

I would have hated it if my MIL had done that to me. As it was, she insisted me and DH go on a journey to Scotland with her and FIL to see DH's brother when my DS1 was 3 months old! As much as I like him and his family, I did not have as great a time as she envisaged.

Gryffindor · 16/01/2013 21:28

She is being extremely reasonable offering to bring the baby to your party for a couple of hours. Incidentally that is more than enough time for the family to meet DGC, unless you are expecting them to stay late into the night? YAB utterly U.

nilbyname · 16/01/2013 21:29

shnarkle I love cop on!

CheeseStrawWars · 16/01/2013 21:29

"we are her child?s family" - err, her child's family is it's mum, dad, and siblings if any should follow. You're the child's extended family, i.e. at one remove.

LiveItUp · 16/01/2013 21:30

YABVU (assuming not a reverse).

Not your baby this time. You've had and raised yours. You take a supporting role now. Get used to it or get cut out.

If this is a reverse - your MIL sounds like a total pushy nightmare. Enforce those boundaries, relaxing them only when she comes to terms with her new role as supporting grandparent and shows more respect for you.

Why do so many Mums want to hang on to their sons rather than enjoy seeing their independence as they establish their own families. I hope to god I don't become like that when my DS's grow up and start their own families. Thankfully I have an amazing MIL whose example I shall try and follow

bootsycollins · 16/01/2013 21:30

Seriously French take these comments on board, think about it.

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