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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
polkadotsrock · 16/01/2013 20:46

I'm seeing a lot of 'is this a reverse Aibu' right now and I'm a little confused- why do people do that??

CoolaSchmoola · 16/01/2013 20:46

This HAS to be a reverse - if not OP you need to remember it's not all about YOU any more.

BACK OFF - or you will alienate her forever.

Mytimewillcome · 16/01/2013 20:47

Totally with the wife and I think you'll find that most people on Mumsnet will be! We've all been in the situation with a pushy MIL not respecting the DILs fragile new family. You need to respect her wishes and realise that your needs don't come first! You will have to learn boundaries otherwise you will not see your grandchild. You have been warned!

DoodleAlley · 16/01/2013 20:47

Borrow = horror

polkadotsrock · 16/01/2013 20:47

Reverse I mean, not why do people say it

Vodkapleasenurse · 16/01/2013 20:47

YABU
2 visitors at a time is very sensible request, surely as a mother yourself you must remember how overwhelming the first few days of motherhood are, not to mention exhausting.
A family party with a newborn would have been my idea of hell, as a new mum you can feel quite protective of your newborn and the thought of lots of people passing my newborn around in a party environment would have upset me.
I think you seriously need to back off a bit and give them some space , if you continue to be so overbearing it will be you who looses out in the end as your daughter in law will probably try to keep her distance.

TheDeadlyDonkey · 16/01/2013 20:47

God, how stupid to fall for a reverse AIBU!

eslteacher · 16/01/2013 20:48

polkadot - because the situation described in the OP seems so OBVIOUSLY unreasonable that it's hard to see why anyone would post asking if it was so. So it seems like the post is actually an "opposite" post, made by the daughter in law about her mother, but written from the mother's point of view, often in order to get more objective responses.

Lilithmoon · 16/01/2013 20:48

YABVU unless this is reverse in which case YANBU Confused.

eslteacher · 16/01/2013 20:49

mother in law, not mother

balia · 16/01/2013 20:49

I know! Go round unannounced and make lots of helpful comments about her poor parenting and lack of personal grooming. Make sure to warn her that son will be justified in 'looking elsewhere' if she doesn't make more effort with him; ask what she is planning for his tea, listen to the answer, then sniff. Make sure you give her the benefit of your experience by telling her - and you might have to do this LOUDLY to make sure she can hear over the baby crying - that due to your superior parenting skills, her DH was weaned, walking and potty trained by now.

Then offer to babysit, overnight, because you don't think she can cope. That should sort everything. In fact I'm sure you've thought of it yourself.

onedev · 16/01/2013 20:49

I can understand wanting a photo of your DH & sons & new grandchild altogether, however the girlfriend doesn't need to be there.

Everything else sounds unreasonable on your part (or MIL if reversed!).

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 16/01/2013 20:49

I think you can wait a few months for your photos, no??

Have a bit of respect for the mum.

(Unless this is a reverse, in which case she is BVU!!)

DarwinGirl · 16/01/2013 20:49

Come on! You're surprised that your DIL doesn't want to go to a big family party with her newborn baby? And surprised she doesn't want to leave him behind so that she can go home and rest? It's madness to expect a new mum to do this. Can't you remember what it was like to have your first child? How tiring and emotional and overwhelming it is? You shouldn't expect this of her and you certainly shouldn't take it personally. I can't imagine that many new mums would be up for lots of visitors at once or family parties soon in the early weeks when you are exhausted and adjusting to life with a newborn. It is beyond crazy to not expect her to want to take her home with her from the party. Cut her some slack.

Portofino · 16/01/2013 20:50

SON'S WIFE and MY grandchild says a lot when the new mother should be the MOST important thing here.

nilbyname · 16/01/2013 20:53

Well done op this is either

reverse AIBU
1st and last post

Will report myself.

That is all.

HecateWhoopass · 16/01/2013 20:56

If you want to be a part of your grandchild's life, you had better change your attitude. Your daughter in law is not the incubator for your grandchild. How she feels matters.

It doesn't hurt you in any way to back off for a bit and not overwhelm them with lots of people.

It will damage your relationship for good if you try to bully them into giving in to you.

And, fwiw - your son should not be being so disloyal to his wife as to agree with you behind her back. That's not nice and I am sure you brought him up better than that. I am sure you would not have appreciated your own husband doing that to you.

Spuddybean · 16/01/2013 21:00

How strange. If this isn't reverse...

So your need for a photograph (which can easily be taken in a months time with no loss) trumps your son and dils needs? (your son was also saying no too - it may be dils choice but he is choosing to back her up).

I have a 4mo and i was totally overwhelmed when i got home. The thought of MIL insisting on 4 people being here just so she can take a picture of 'her boys' (channeling Peggy Mitchell a bit there btw) is ridiculous. And just the suggestion on leaving my tiny baby at a party makes me run cold, and for what? so MIL can show off being a Grandmother.

It's not all about you, in fact it's not even a bit about you at the moment. And you don't need to be included in everything from the very beginning.

floweryblue · 16/01/2013 21:01

I think the parents' wishes have to be paramount, especially the mother in the early days after giving birth.

I was desperate to see my nephew when he was born, first baby in our family since his mum was born 30+ years ago, but Sis asked me to wait till she was ready. I respected that she might not be up to seeing her sis/best friend (me), till she was ready. As it turned out, I think DP and I saw him at one day old.

I think YABU to expect your DiL to be jumping up and down with joy at the thought of a big family party right now.

Maryz · 16/01/2013 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suburbophobe · 16/01/2013 21:03

I feel for your DIL. Your son is great to be protecting his new family.

You sound selfish and overbearing frankly.

O.k. I understand about wanting the photos - but then again, why? Those can be taken anytime in the future.

And why on earth does DS2's girlfriend have to tag along? What's it got to do with her? Doesn't she have a home to go to?

You need to back off if you want to have a long and wonderful relationship with your grandchild(ren) and their mums and dads (yes, your own children/in-laws).

Thing is once your children leave home and become independent they are totally in their right to make their own life and have their own boundaries.

Sadly, many people don't "get it".

littlemisssunny · 16/01/2013 21:04

If you are the mil yabu if you are the daughter in law YANBU but please don't do reverse Aibu it confuses me!

Vagaceratops · 16/01/2013 21:05

How old is the baby.

If this isnt a reverse AIBU you are a little bit nutty and quite controlling.

HeadfirstForHalos · 16/01/2013 21:06

If this isn't a reverse , then YABVU!

Why couldn't your son and GF visit separately to you and your husband?

Do you really not understand why she wouldn't want to leave a newborn at a party ?

CatsRule · 16/01/2013 21:07

Yabu!

You are not only a mil you are a mother too....but NOT to your grandchild though!

Surely you must remember how it feels to have a tiny baby that everyone feels entitlement to be envolved with...family or not...sometimes family are the worst offenders for not understanding.

You are behaving like a horrible mil if your post is true and this is not a reverse aibu.

Why would any sane and reasonable woman, mil or mother expect a mother to go to a party, want to be overwhelmed or leave her baby?? New parents need space. I should know...my vile mil has ruined the first 10 months of my sons life for me with her constant demands and bitching.

If you care for that baby, your son and dil you will allow them to settle in as a family. And most important you will not come between baby and mother!