Son's wife and my grandchild

[Frenchspeak]

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

Sweet Jesus, are you for real then? It is NOT YOUR PLACE to arrange a party for all of the family to come and view your trophy grandchild. Not unless your daughter in law asks you to do so. If family want to see the baby they can call your daughter in law and arrange a nice little visit.

And yes, you have to go along with what your son and daughter in law want.

If you want to be the mother in law from hell, carry on and ignore our views. Don't be surprised when you see your grandchild less and less though, and when your son resents you causing problems.

[JustFabulous]

OP, a bit of advice,

the baby is NOT YOURS.

You shoud be worshipping the ground your DIL walks on and sending daily chocolate hampers, M & S food deliveries and diamonds at least once a week for bearing your grandchild. Still HER baby though.

[PacificDogwood]

I am just rereading your OP; you 'get on ok' with your DiL but 'find her difficult'. Do you think she finds you easy to get on with?
Is there a prior history that made her set such a rigid rule: only 2 visitors at a time?

In my family it is my very lovely own mother who justifies every unwanted interference with 'but I love you' 'I am doing this out of love' - unwanted 'help' is not help, but trying to gain control, which is what you are doing. I have frequently been glad to live in a different country from my mum which has improved our relationship no end.

CloudsAndTrees, yes, I think you are a lone voice. I luff my MiL btw, she is far less emotionally needy and manipulating than my own.

[Frenchspeak]

What exactly is wrong with wanting a photo of my son holding his niece? Surely that?s normal.

And I do remember when I had my children. I certainly did not exclude my mother in law. Her and my father in law always had a say. I wouldn?t have dreamt of saying ?this is my child; you have to do it my way?. It seems like a threat, if I don?t agree then I lose out on seeing my grandchild.

My other son and his girlfriend live in a different part of the country so they came to stay with us so they could visit baby. They don?t have a car so couldn?t visit on their own.

And of course family would see my d-i-l. But she?s not the most talkative of people so it?s not like she would be entertaining everyone. She?s fairly shy around us. Also, I would be the organiser of the party. It was going to be at my house and obviously I would need to contact everyone about attending.

[HecateWhoopass]

Perhaps if she wasn't clearly mentally shoving her daughter in law out of the picture, Clouds.

I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son - See the baby. Not see her daughter in law or anything?
I couldn?t see my boys all together. - Focus on her boys
i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby. - nothing about wanting photos of her daughter in law
Family will be coming to see my son and grandchild.- but not her daughter in law, evidently.

Everything about the way she posts screams that her daughter in law is irrelevant here. Even when she says she understands, it is worded in a way that makes it clear she thinks her daughter in law is unreasonable. What she sees is that her family is her sons and her husband and not her daughter in law. Her daughter in law barely features. Apparently family aren't even coming to see her at the party anyway!

That is coming through loud and clear and that is what people are reacting to.

Sometimes, the way you word things says more than you meant it to.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

This thread is making me itch. it's like seeing the other side from my MIL when we had our first baby and she couldn't get it through her thick skull that she wasn't in charge, or that I was an important part of her grandchild's life

Things are okay now, but I could never be close with her due to her boundary issues, and both her son and myself still resent her actions and attitude.

[amistillsexy]

It sounds as though you favour your other son, and would rather he and his girlfriend of six years were having this baby. Why else would you think that he and his girlfriend have any place at your DIL's bedside the day she's given birth, or need to be in any photos of the new baby? At that time, it's invited (by the mother) guests only.

If I were your DIL, I'd run a mile, taking your grandchild my baby and your son my husband with me. You obviously have no consideration for her feelings whatsoever, and she knows it.
She is currently strong enough to rebuff your most controlling behaviours, but it will be getting more and more stressful for her. It will put more and more pressure on the relationship between your son and his wife, since he will increasingly feel that he has to mediate between you both, and will feel torn between your conflicting needs. He chose her to be his wife, and to have a child with, not you. He will (if he has anything about him) choose her over you if you continue with this type of attitude.

At the moment, you seem to feel you can do no wrong and your DIL is just an unfortunate necessity in getting an adddition to YOUR family. I predict (and hope, for their sakes) you will soon find out that it is SHE who holds all the cards, and you will be pushed further and further out of their lives.

[NonnoMum]

I don't normally promote amazon but here

Send them flowers
Cook them a meal
offer to take their laundry to the launderette
do their ironing
bake them a cake
Offer lifts to the baby weigh in/drs/registrars

And smile and step back...

Hope that helps.

[ihearsounds]

Omg. Why is all about you. You sound very selfish. It's not fair, I cannot do what I want, boohoo.

Good on your Dil. She has boundaries and is sticking to them and isn't being pushed over by a self involved selfish mil. Good on her for saying no more than 2 visitors. Not like it's just you that she is doing this with, its everyone.. Family or not. And as for arranging a party for when your gc is very young is insane. Sleep ness nights. Being exhausted. A bit sore. Feeling generally like shit. No wonder she's not up to it... Think less about yourself and more about other people. If other people in your family want to see the baby, they can arrange with them to go and see them.

And oh, but you wanted to have a pic of your two sons with baby, erm, not hard to figure that one out. She takes the pic of them. Unless of course you are that controlling that you believe you are the only person capable of taking pictures.

Carry on as you are, being pushy and over bearing and chances are visits will be yearly if your lucky.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

"What exactly is wrong with wanting a photo of my son holding his niece?"

Nothing. The problem is you want it all your way, and you're not the one who's just given birth to a newborn and is trying to bond with her new child. (6 weeks is very young).

Ask your other son to get a photo of him with the baby when he visits your daughter in law SEPARATELY to you.

[brainonastick]

Can you answer my question OP? How long have you been on MN if you are a name-changer?

[HecateWhoopass]

What do you want, french?

do you want to win this battle you seem to think is happening here with your daughter in law or do you want to have a good relationship with your daughter in law and ensure that you are a well loved member of their extended family?

Because you can't have both.

You do sound like you are an overpowering personality and in the interests of harmony - you're going to need to back off a bit.

[Visionsofj0hanna]

Are you my MIL?! Be warned, my MIL was exactly like this and made the first few months so stressful it makes me not want to include her at all. Give the poor woman some space with her new family.

[rubyslippers]

you could organise a party but i'm betting your star attraction wouldn't come

[TheNebulousBoojum]

'But she?s not the most talkative of people so it?s not like she would be entertaining everyone. She?s fairly shy around us. Also, I would be the organiser of the party. It was going to be at my house and obviously I would need to contact everyone about attending.'

Oh God, what a caricature you are!
Tell me there's going to be a sitcom based on your family relationships, a Hyacinth for the new millenium.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

All of your posts are screaming "ME ME ME" with little or no consideration for the mother of your grandchild.

[FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn]

She is shy around you because you are over bearing and suffocating her!

Please listen to every one on here: you are in the wrong. It is not your baby. You don't get to choose if there is a party/who gets to visit.

[squeakytoy]

And of course family would see my d-i-l. But she?s not the most talkative of people so it?s not like she would be entertaining everyone. She?s fairly shy around us. Also, I would be the organiser of the party. It was going to be at my house and obviously I would need to contact everyone about attending


oh dear god.. you really are this selfish arent you... no wonder the poor woman is quiet around you, and no wonder she doesnt want to see much of you!! you sound overbearing, entitled and a complete and utter pain in the arse!

[littlemonkeychops]

Wow, OP are you not reading everyone's replies?!?

No point having a party? Damn right, it's clearly YOU that wants this party not them, it's their baby their rules.

As others have said be very careful, your DIL is the most important woman in your son's life and he will, quite rightly, take her side in all matters. What you want/think with regards to their baby is irrelevant.

I know i sound harsh but you don't seem go be taking in what everyone above has said.

[NonnoMum]

I'm assuming the two visitor thing might actually have been a rule of the hospital's??

Lots of hospitals don't want hundreds of over-excited, possibly germ-ridden, noisy visitors in a ward full of post-partum women and brand-new babies...

Good on your son for protecting his wife when she was sore and vulnerable.

[FeltOverlooked]

I am sure that one son could have taken a picture of the other son holding the baby for you. Or you could take the photo a bit later.

I wish I had a single photo of my son on his first day of life. But I was fighting for my life, and DH was (literally) holding the baby. I am not wrong to want it, but it would be mad to prioritise it.

Your say she is shy, so then sharing the newness of being a mother with a large group of people is going to be harder for her than for someone less shy. Your other son and DIL could easily have gone for a ten-minute walk while you visited and then had their turn.

"And of course family would see my d-i-l. But she?s not the most talkative of people so it?s not like she would be entertaining everyone. " This is a nasty, nasty pair of sentences. Re-read them and think about them, they are horribly dismissive.

[Leedscatgirl]

Oh dear poor dil

[HecateWhoopass]

Oh, and just so you know right now - you are not entitled to "a say". you can have an opinion - ideally only if asked for one!

But you get no deciding vote within their family unit and you need to accept that before your relationship with them becomes very difficult indeed.

[Forevergirl]

This is the rosy time a thread has got me mad!
All I hear from you is me me me!
Noting about what's best for your grandchild or listening to your dil and sons wishes.

I would be careful and back off, if you was my mil you would be lucky to get sent a picture never mind seeing your grandchild again.

Last thing you want is everyone looking a scrutinising you 2 months after you have given birth and certainly would want to leave your baby to be passed around like a toy!

[GlaikitFizzog]

The baby will be around for quite a while to have family photos done! I don't see the urgency in getting them done before the cord is clamped!

You say your I laws always had a say! Did you always do what they commanded asked?