Son's wife and my grandchild

[Frenchspeak]

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

[Fairylea]

An 8 week old baby isn't a toy to show off to family.

A lot of people, noise and no mummy willbe very stressful for a new baby. You are being selfish.

I suggest you try and build bridges with your DAUGHTER IN LAW and let her decide how and when you get to see HER baby.

Hope that helps.

[CatsRule]

Family will be coming to see my son and grandchild

That speaks volumes!

You sound just like my vile mil!

[lurkedtoolong]

Let me say this very clearly and sorry if this sounds nasty but if you don't get the message now you will lose your son and grandchild forever. Stop being a complete bitch. It's not about you. You are not the centre of the universe. It's wonderful you have a granddaughter but the parents get to make the decisions and you have to go along with those rules and you do not under any circumstances get to push the mother out of the picture which is what you are blatantly trying to do.

Read your posts back, think about what you have said. You clearly love your sons - think about how you would have felt if you would have been expected to leave them at a family party without you at only 8 weeks old.

Please don't wreck your family because you are blinkered by your own selfishness. Think about your DIL and gc.

[SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit]

Ultimately the pecking order has changed.

Mum outranks grandma. And at eight weeks old your dIL may still be bleeding and in pain. I was, and I wasn't telling my mil all the details of my nethers either. You should still be being careful about not staying too long when you visit, never mind organising a party. This isn't about your family, it's about hers and your son's. if this party happened you would be an invitee (an important one) and not an organiser. Give it six months, they might do it in the form of a christening.


And anyway, from previous years....
Wife outranks mum (sorry, true but often not acknowledged by mums - bear in mind what each role contributes to the son on a day to day basis as an adult and you've got your answer)

Try to work it through in your head for a bit before you speak to them. You are clearly bothered to have posted. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

[PacificDogwood]

Frenchspeak, I hope you can find the inner calm and self-reflection to really listen to what all these posts are telling you.
This baby is NOT your baby.
The parents call the shots.
You can have all the opinion in the world, but you do not have to voice them. And they do not have to agree with them.

Why on earth can the new family not decide for themselves when and if to have a party for their extended family? How about your DiL's family?

Back off. And do it gracefully. If you don't, I fear, you'll lose out.

[Samvet]

Frenchspeak - take some advice from this thread. Carry on as you are and you will see less and less of your son and grandchild. You need to get into your head that SHE is the priority for your son now NOT you. He will always choose her over you. Push her and piss her off and lose them all. Back off. She is his family now.
Try and help, try and remember that when you had a 8 week old baby maybe you were knackered and finding it hard and didn;t want to go to a party with people you don't know well. If she is bfing she is probably worried about doing that at a party too.
Play this wrong and you are cutting off your nose etc etc
I speak as the DIL - and we see my MIL once a year.

[NaturalBaby]

It may be your grandchild but your 'sons wife' is the mother. It's HER BABY, not yours. Do you not remember what it felt like to give birth and be awash with hormones? It takes 6 months to recover from pregnancy, not a couple of hours.

Give her a break and try to show some understanding. You come across as very possessive - my MIL was like this and it made me pull right back and avoid her, and made me even more possessive of my own baby.

[DumSpiroSpero]

Frankly you sound like a vile, self-obsessed, controlling, bossy nightmare, and if you were my MIL I wouldn't want you within 10 feet of me ever let alone within 6 weeks of giving birth.

Wind your neck in, back off and get yourself a life hobby ffs.

[ivykaty44]

surely there is every point in have a party for family to get together and be happy - the baby can come along for a half hour or so and then go home - but that doesn't mean you can't have a party to celebrate a new life and a new family member.

The baby wouldn't do anything any way but sleep and poo, the dil needs to be your first concern and when you make your dil your first concern you will find it is like a magic key

[Roastbeefandyorkshires]

Oh dear... and I thought my mil was overbearing

[elizaregina]

Agree pom bears with comment page 1 and we dont even know in truth how this mil is with her dil!!! Does she like her DH Db GF?

Expecting a NB to be left behind at a party!!!

[CloudsAndTrees]

I'm going to be the lone voice, but I think the DIL is being a bit selfish. Of course her feelings matter, but if she cares about her husbands family, and his mother, then you would think she would want them to share in the happiness that is having a new baby into a loving family.

She only wants to see two people at a time? She can't manage to be out for more than a couple of hours (or at all!) when the baby is 8 weeks old? She sounds like a loon to me. If it weren't for the fact that she planned this before the baby was born I'd think she had PND. Unless she is suffering depression, there is no reason why she couldn't let her husbands family share in some of the joy of such a special time for all of them. It sounds like she's just being difficult for the sake of it.


And I honestly can't understand so many of these posts making out that OP is some kind of a freakish bitch for wanting to see her newborn grandchild and have a little family time. If she wasn't interested she would get just as much abuse. MN is pathetic when it comes to MILs. I usually don't have much sympathy for MILs on AIBU threads about them, but her we just have a mother whose son has had a baby, she completely reasonably wants to see her (small) family all together and she gets this kind of a slating. Pathetic

[steben]

If this isn't a reverse then to add to the chorus of aibus I think the title of this thread speaks volumes - your son and dil have obv made this decision to do what they feel is right and appropriate for their new family together - to but blame on her and her alone is pretty off. If you don't put a stop to this behaviour now I think you could miss out on many other photo opportunities with your family. Give them space it's early days in another few months they may be dying to have a party/hand her over for a break!

[HildaOgden]

It's threads like these that make me glad I married an orphan .

You're being an over-bearing mother in law,OP.You'd had 6 weeks of experience being a Grandmother,I think you should re-think your strategy if you want to avoid being cast at the Evil Mother-in-Law.

You had your turn to raise your babies as you saw fit,now back off and leave both your Son and Daughter in Law to do the same.

[Mytimewillcome]

I'm afraid with your attitude you have lost your grandchild already. You sound like my MIL and she went in like a bull in a china shop as well. And it didn't get her anywhere.

Things are going to stay the same because you aren't important here. You are going to have to learn that.

This is going to be a deluge of opinion not going your way! I would say try Gransnet but I would hope that you would get a similar response.

I'm glad.

[TheNebulousBoojum]

The fact that so many posters thought that it must be a reverse AIBU speaks volumes as to the ridiculousness of your attitude.
I would be keeping my distance too, if I had a MIL like you. Your prime concern should be ensuring that the new mother, baby and father have as stress-free and easy a time as possible, without a demanding, egocentric madam breathing down their necks whittering about her expectations of what is acceptable behaviour.
I hope your son continues to make nice, placating noises at you whilst supporting his wife.

[brainonastick]

Really? Just.... really?

How long have you been on MN OP?

Have you learnt nothing from that time?

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

YAbu. Congratulations on becoming a gran. You are clearly very excited and full of plans for this lovely new life.

However, as my MIL, who is a saint btw, would tell you, you are going to lose access to your grandchild if you go on about it in this manner.

My MIL's DCs maried late so she was the last in her circle of friends to have GC/DiL. She saw her friends put their oar into their children's relationships, especially when the GCs arrived, because it was the way it was done before.

Well, within a few years, most of friends were kept away from the GCs and contact diminished.

A baby is not just for Christmas, it is for life. Everyone will have plenty of time to see the baby.

Pictures will do until the happy parents are ready to come and show their lovely baby in person.

You are family, of course and there will be lots of great things to do with your GCs, but try to come from a "how can I help" angle rather than "I know better" one.

My MIL does this, and God knows that she must have bitten her tongue many, many times but as a result, she is very much part of my children's lives.

[rubyslippers]

The OP says she's always had a tricky relationship with the DIL

All i can say is that you will end up having no relationship with her, your son or grandchild if you continue to behave as you are

you sound like a plastic grandparent - got to have the photos, a party for your grandchild but actually not giving a damn about your DIL or the actual needs of your son's family

as long as you appear to be a devoted grandma

no wonder you don't get along with your DIL

[HildaOgden]

I'm interested in what other ways you found her difficult before this?I'm guessing there is a bad history between you,and both she and your son have decided to put their foot down now.

[GlaikitFizzog]

No way would I be going to a party my Mil had organised to show off my newborn!

You sound very entitled. My own mother wouldn't expect me to go along with her plans.

What if yr DiL wanted to organise her own "showing off" party (which is generally what christenings/naming ceremonies are IMHO)? This is your grandchild, you have already done your children, let your DIL and your son do their child.

[BiBiBroccoli]

Arf. I think you might actually be my mother in law If you are then no, you still cannot take DD to get her ears pierced and no, you cannot call her by the name you wanted me to call her.

YABU and you will lose your son and grandchild if you don't have a word with yourself

[FeltOverlooked]

CloudsAndTrees, I would maybe agree with you if the post were worded differently. But the whole MY son, mother of MY grandchild, etc, tone led me (and I think many others) to a different conclusion.

If it was a post looking for a solution - I feel hurt, I don't understand, how could I play this moving forward, I love this new baby so much and I don't want to get it wrong - people would also have been different.

Two hours at a party is plenty. The whole "if it is only two hours, then there is no point" thing is just petulant.

[ChuffMuffin]

I feel sad and sorry for your son & DIL, sorry, son's wife. :(