Son's wife and my grandchild

[Frenchspeak]

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

"son's wife"
"my grandchild"
"my boys"

Are you the Centre of the Universe, OP?

If not, YABU. Very.
You need to seriously think about what you want your relationship with your GC to be, because the way you are going about it, you may not have one at all.

If this is a reverse AIBU, you are not.

Your sons wife is your DIL...but obviously this is a reverse.

Anyway, the MIL is BU.

There's more than a whiff of my mother about this OP she too was self-absorbed, arrogant and controlling

we ended up completely estranged and she hasn't seen my sons for nearly 7 years

the last communication I had with her was a rude, overbearing letter demanding "formal access" to her grandchildren and threatening legal action

it didn't touch the sides when it entered the bin I can assure you

be warned!

If you want to be a part of your grandchild's life, you had better change your attitude. Your daughter in law is not the incubator for your grandchild. How she feels matters

What Hecate said ^

Your poor dil! Why not remember what it was like having your first and try and be supportive? Though this has to be a reverse AIBU, I can't believe anyone would post this seriously thinking they were in the right...

This has got to be a reverse AIBU. No one would lack such insight to see the problem was them?

Mmm,maybe you should try Gransnet Op...

I wish I'd been more assertive when my DD was born, well done your DIL I reckon.

I know you are keen to see a lot of the baby. But really you should back of for a bit. You have years in front of you to enjoy your grandchild and no point in having this sort of disagreements over nothing very much.

Don't you remember how tired and worn out you were with a newborn? I'm with your dil on this. It isn't for you to call the shots but to respect the very reasonable requests of others.

Just want to say as well that I am the grandmother, even if some think otherwise. I wanted to get other peoples viewpoints so I can try and keep things happy within my family. Don?t want confrontation.

Thanks for the replies. I will try and answer and questions, sorry if I miss any.

Yes she is my first grandchild and is 6 weeks. But the party was going to be in a couple of weeks, depending on when family can make it.

I think it?s unfair for me to be expected to not have an opinion or say on anything. I love my family, why shouldn?t I want to spend as much time as possible with them. Seems like I?m expected to just go along with whatever she says.

With regards to my other son?s girlfriend. They have been together for about 6 years, longer than my son and his wife have been. So it?s not like she?s just turned up.

The reason i suggested she only come to the party for a couple of hours was because she said it would be too tiring. So I thought that would be a solution, just come for a bit then go and rest.

Well obviously the most important thing is the wife bonding with the child and not feeling overwhelmed with people/events. What you need is obviously secondary to their needs. The best thing you can do is be considerate and listen to what they need/how you can support them.

Seems like I?m expected to just go along with whatever she says.

Yup

Yes come for a bit then go home with her newborn and rest.

I think that would be the best solution.

You are being v unreasonable OP - I could barely leave the house for 2 months after DS1 was born and a family party would have been hellish!
You need to respect your son and DIL and leave them be. There will be plenty of time for photos and parties and family time in the future.

You sound like my mother, except she rounded off her demands for baby to be part if her social entertaining with the classic phrase 'you selfish f'ing bitch' when I refused.

I haven't spoken to my mother in 3 years, be very very careful you don't have the same fate. Back off.

I found it odd you said "son's wife" and not "my daughter-in-law". That speaks volumes, I think.

(I also think this is a reverse AIBU.)

Don't get why you needed a picture of other son holding the baby??? Its not his! Can understand having your husband and the baby's dad in a picture as a generational thing.

And why did the girlfriend need to come too? Why didn't she and other son go at another time, together?

I think (if the OP is for real) you need to back off, and understand that although this is your grandchild,the baby's PARENTS make the decisions. They are their own family unit now. You,I am afraid ,now take at least second place.

"I think it?s unfair for me to be expected to not have an opinion or say on anything."

You can have as much opinion as you like.. it doesnt mean anyone should have to take any notice though!

You are at risk of turning yourself into the pushy grandmother from hell, and are likely to find yourself kept at arms length if you carry on with that attitude.

And yes, you are expected to go along with what they say, it is their baby, not yours!

OP you have obviously forgotten the overwhelming newborn stage. You DO NOT have any say in what happens. Why do you think you are entitled to an opinion in this situation?

You're not listening. Stop making the passive-aggressive remarks about not being allowed an opinion. It's not about opinions, it's about you having some respect for your DIL as the mother of your grandchild. Grandmother is not the same as mother. This is not your second chance, it's a new young family and you should be wanting to support and protect them, not create unhappiness by pushing yourself and your wants forward.

You're not alpha female in your son and DIL'd family. Get used to it!

There is no point having a party if she's going to take baby home after a couple of hours. Family will be coming to see my son and grandchild.

Think back to when you had your sons OP, did you want you MIL hanging round all the time?

You've had your babies, let your DIL have her time the way she wants.

but you expected her to go to the party then leave, and also leave her baby behind with you. I wouldn't have done that with my dds when they were just 2 months old.

Of course you're allowed an opinion but as others have pointed out, this is not your child, but your grandchild. Your DIL is the mother and she gets to make the final decisions, not you.

TBH it does sound like you're deliberately making things difficult.