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Original poster

Porn porn pissing porn!

294 replies

Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 15:33

Found porn for the 10th time on my partners phone
I have previously broken up with him over it I really can't describe my hate for it
He knows my reaction when I find it he always promises it will stop etc and this time I really don't think I can take him back
I have a 11 mo and I'm 10 weeks pregnant he knew that carrying on would mean him being kicked out and me having baby on my own yet still done it and played the its old trick then admits it hours later

So confused what to do and upset at his disrespect :(

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 07/01/2013 20:30

" If that was the case, and the relationship was already at the stage where trying to preserve it meant a lot to him, then his choices were (a) allowing her completely unreasonable control over what he is allowed to think about (porn is just a visual aid to fantasy, a type of thinking) and (b) lying. (Yes a braver man could have tried to argue with her, but that depends on how articulate he is and how reasonable he thinks she is. On the available information I can't see that he would have got anywhere if he'd tried to argue.)"

So basically, a man has a right to a relationship with a woman, and if she is being uppity and setting terms he finds disagreeable, he has no choice but to lie?

He had the choice to be honest and walk away.

That was what was in offer.

If he was capable of love, he wouldn't have tricked her. He woukd have wanted her to have a relationship that made her truly happy with a man who deserved her.

She doesn't owe him a relationship just because he wants one.

She is a person with her own life to lead, choices to make, and standards to stick to.

brighthair · 07/01/2013 20:32

AThingInYourLife - I've been single for 7 years. I'm not classed as pretty, most men I have met don't want to date me because they wouldn't want to be seen with me (that isn't low self esteem btw, it's the truth) I want a man who is tall, kind, sociable, doesn't drink massive amounts, treats me well, wants children, is tolerant of my hobby, appreciates I work shifts, that I get on with, is intelligent, shares the same interests.... Etc etc
I have him. But he watches porn maybe twice a week. It doesn't bother me. I can't argue about how hard it would be to find a man, let alone who doesn't watch porn but believe me when I say I haven't had a shred of interest in 7 years, no flirting, no dates, no man looks at me

Out of interest, do you think men watch it when they are younger and grow out of it? Or do some just never start watching it?

brighthair · 07/01/2013 20:34

And I totally agree with AThings last message. He KNEW, and still chose to do it. That's the deal breaker. To me, if you love someone enough that wouldn't even be in question

MiniTheMinx · 07/01/2013 20:39

There is no such thing as ethical porn where money changes hands.

As regards "a brave man might have argued" I have never heard a good argument in favour of porn. If you don't have the right to expect certain behaviour or treatment from your partner, then where do you draw a line.

If men are such slaves to their libido, then it could be said that " he raped me but you know he can't help it" or "he hits me because he has too much testosterone"

EuroShagmore · 07/01/2013 20:43

I'm a latecomer to this thread, but I am a bit incredulous that someone would break up a family because one member of it liked watching other people having sex sometimes. It's just sex. Everybody does it. It's just bits. Everybody has one kind or the other. I just don't get the fuss about porn per se (I do think however that there are valid points around coercion that takes place in some porn, etc).

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 20:47

He lied! I knew him before it has always been known as I am also friends with his friends the conversation did creep up before we were officially together but just getting talking

Charbon · 07/01/2013 20:53

OP

It is fine to end a relationship with a man who has lied to you 10 times.

That's all.

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 20:53

"(I do think however that there are valid points around coercion that takes place in some porn, etc)."

And this is precisely why I am against porn.

AThingInYourLife · 07/01/2013 21:01

"most men I have met don't want to date me because they wouldn't want to be seen with me"

You seem to have met a particularly objectionable cross-section of men.

I think lots of blokes either never got into porn, or grew out of it once real girls would kiss them.

MrsBW · 07/01/2013 21:02

Not that anyone need explain themselves to me, but I'm confused.

I thought the OP said they didn't have objection to the ethical issues around porn?

It was the lying and the getting off on other women that was the issue.

Getting off on other women bit? Personally I think that's low self esteem if that's a problem for you (putting the ethical debate to one side, remember). After all, plenty of people fantasise about people other than their partners.

The lying bit? If the OP is making a massive issue out of it then perhaps this is leading him to try to have his cake and eat it... Keep watching but lie about it.

Off topic a bit? The other thing I find odd is that someone would rule out a relationship with someone on the basis that they're in the forces... When most forces personnel don't go near a front line or 'do violence' ... And ironically, a lot of them sign up because it's the only employment option they (think they) have... Similar to some porn actresses perhaps???

Still OP.. If a partner has crossed the line, he's crossed the line.. The decision is yours and no one else's. I hope everything works out ok for you.

whois · 07/01/2013 21:36

Wow you are being totally U about a bit if porn unless its illegal stuff or ultra odd or violent.

You shouldn't have been looking at his phone, it really wasn't affecting you was it? He wasn't showing you the porn? Or saying he didn't want to have sex as he was looking at porn?

Yeah dump him, and have fun telling your baby that mummy dumped daddy because he had porn on his phone in a few years time...

Mia4 · 07/01/2013 21:57

This really isn't just about the porn OP, the issue is between you two not being compatible with this or being able to compromise is one thing but the deal breaker is the continued lying.

Personally I don't mind porn, my partner doesn't watch-i do. I was very open and had he told me he didn't like or want me watching it for whatever reason be it morality, insecurity, jealousy or just dislike, I'd have told him it was my choice-not his. I wouldn't have lied. Had he chosen to break up with me over that, fair enough, I would have done the same if he'd kept pushing me not to watch but had I agreed not to do it and lied about it then that's really not on.

He won't change OP, accept it and decide what you want to do. Whatever he says he won't change. Better that you are both single and happy without this stress then this being a continued issue and source of stress, frustration and resentment for you both.

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 21:58

Really how dare you bring my baby in to this? It's not a concern of his why we split but as you have already started we are over as he has lied to me betrayed my trust and completely taken away all my self confidence in the mean time!

Really going for the low blows to write that! Wow!

AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 22:00

I can't understand why some people are telling this woman she is stupid to "throw away" her relationship with this secretive, deceitful, disrespectful compulsive porn user who is also shit at sex.

Not much of a ctach, is he ?

thank goodness at least the op realises that not all women will put up with anything just for the sake of a relationship

AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 22:00

*catch

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 22:03

But thank you to all the helpful ladies tonight who have made me feel better and realise that its not just me who thinks the betrayal of trust is a huge issue and I'm not just going nuts!

For everyone that has put on here that I am wrong for not wanting to be in a relationship with him due to the porn, if you had read the thread the main issue was the trust.. Which he shattered, it could have been he was popping in for a pint every night yet lying about it, it really does get on top of you and because you don't share my view my child/children should have never been brought and used as some kind of tool to get at me,

LadyBeagleEyes · 07/01/2013 22:04

Nice One AnyFucker.
You put it so much better than I ever could. Grin

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 07/01/2013 22:32

Lockets really, don't worry about the stupid posts - you know you have done the right thing. Just stay strong and stick to your guns!!

Kiwiinkits · 07/01/2013 22:49

Personally, you are massively overreacting. You are prepared to deprive your kids of a present father figure, with all of the emotional and psychological damage that that potentially faces them as a result, and with all of the financial and practical challenges that potentially faces you as a result, because he viewed some naked people on a phone Shock. I think you really need to look at your priorities! I also think your reaction is equivalent to "well you made me hit you because you know you shouldn't make me angry". You have issues, lady.

Kiwiinkits · 07/01/2013 22:53

Like a previous poster has eloquently put, I have a mild distaste for porn. I wouldn't be happy if DH watched it all the time. But you know what, when we started dating I smoked from time to time. My husband said he didn't like it, and I knew it wasn't healthy, so I stopped. He'd be disappointed if I had a ciggy at the pub, and he'd be disappointed if I lied about it to him, but my god, if he tried to split up my family over it and deprive me of my relationship with my kids I would think he was absolutely cruel, hard-hearted, unreasonable and controlling.

YABVVVVVVU.

LadyBeagleEyes · 07/01/2013 22:54

Kiwiiinuts and Lovelyladuree, are you the same poster?
Very similar posts.

LadyBeagleEyes · 07/01/2013 22:56

*kiwiiinkits

gimmecakeandcandy · 07/01/2013 23:00

The fact he only lasts two minutes when you have sex shows how much porn has ruined his sexual drive. Maybe he needs to know that.

Kiwiinkits · 07/01/2013 23:00

Me: DH, I hate computer games, I hope you never get an x-box
DH: hmmpphphhhhh
Me: oh good, I'm glad we had this conversation. I really don't like computer games, you know.

(6 months later)
DH: I bought an x-box, thought I'd play WOW for the next 10 hours straight
Me: waaaaaaah! I hate computer games, I told you that! waaaaahh!
DH: [hides x-box, surpresses his anger at being controlled]

(8 months later)
DH: [secretly plays x-box while I'm at work]
Me: [on finding out] I'm dumping you and taking the kids with me. It's over. You mean nothing to me, and your kids are no longer yours. Your life will be turned upside down. How dare you piss me off!

wgac · 07/01/2013 23:03

Women watch porn. I often swap DVD's with friends so I can watch it with DH. I wonder if DH's would leave their DW's if they found porn on their phone. I am dead against anything illegal, but cannot see the harm with the usual run of the mill stuff....

Good luck finding a man that does not have some sort of dirty mags under his bed or porn on his phone.

Maybe men should leave their DW's cos they have read 50 shades of grey...