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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Porn porn pissing porn!

294 replies

Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 15:33

Found porn for the 10th time on my partners phone
I have previously broken up with him over it I really can't describe my hate for it
He knows my reaction when I find it he always promises it will stop etc and this time I really don't think I can take him back
I have a 11 mo and I'm 10 weeks pregnant he knew that carrying on would mean him being kicked out and me having baby on my own yet still done it and played the its old trick then admits it hours later

So confused what to do and upset at his disrespect :(

OP posts:
5dcsinneedofacleaner · 07/01/2013 16:09

I think you need to seriously think about this. The problem is that when you told him he wasnt "allowed" to look at porn anymore he should have said an outright no if he didnt agree. If the relationship is generally good, which I am assuming it is then imo this is an over reaction to some porn on his phone.

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 16:12

It's the wrong question to ask in AIBU because eveyone bases their answer on their own opinion. And if your opinion is that there's nothing wrong with porn then obviously you will never agree with someone for whom its a deal breaker, and if you care passionately about not using porn then you'll never understand why someone could tolerate or even like it.

Original poster
Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 16:13

I would honestly prefer him to have said no instead of I promise you it was stupid I'm sorry I regret it etc for me to trust him then happen again and again

Makes me wonder how much further would he go in terms of lying

OP posts:
Feminine · 07/01/2013 16:17

What is he watching?

I wouldn't end a relationship for just 'any' porn. That is just me though maybe?

I'm sorry he broke your trust though.

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2013 16:18

I think a lot of people lie to keep the peace if they think the other person is being unreasonable to be hones...it can save a lot of arguments and tantrums.

You say it's a deal breaker and despite the fact he's doing it very discretely, it still bothers you.

So I guess you two will have to stay separated.

You say it makes you wonder how much further he would go in terms of lying, but he could be sitting there wondering how much further you'll go in terms of controlling what he does legally in private.

You can't compare it to drug taking...not only is it illegal but it can kill you.

Original poster
Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 16:18

Everything and anything!

OP posts:
WaspFactory · 07/01/2013 16:19

YABU - if your still having regular sex, what's the problem? I would talk to him about only lasting 2 minutes though, does he bother to finish you off after?

MrsMcEnroe · 07/01/2013 16:20

It is not unreasonable to dislike porn. (I loathe it - videos/photos that is). However, I would assume that it's more about the trust issue OP? - the fact that he's lied to you about using it? - is that what has caused you to break up with him at this point in your relationship?

MiniTheMinx · 07/01/2013 16:22

I don't think it is an overreaction. I agree that no one has the right to demand anything of someone but I think it is natural to place expectations upon someone if you hope to have a long term relationship, could be trust, no porn, faithfulness, loyalty, etc,... otherwise where do you draw the line.

Original poster
Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 16:22

The drug thing I was young free single childless and we had just stated seeing each other I just knew he didn't like it so stopped and wouldn't dream of going behind his back its the morals in it not the actual 'thing'

And it's no way about control he can do what he likes when he likes he just says I'm off out etc no questions asked just porn I find degrading and makes me feel rubbish,unattractive to him unable to please him the more he does it the more he knocks my self confidence

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 16:22

But you're assuming the OP just doesn't like seeing it Worra. In fairness I'm also assuming, but I'm assuming she has a moral problem with porn. In which case he could be as discreet as he bloody well liked but I would still have a problem with the fact he used it.

Dahlen · 07/01/2013 16:23

The fact that it's porn is a red herring.

The issue is OP has asked her DP to stop doing something that is a frivolity not a necessity or even a valid lifestyle choice (e.g. much-loved hobby important to sense of self) because it distresses her. Her P has chosen to carry on regardless and lied about it. It's dishonest, disrespectful and implies a totally untrustworthy character. Not ideal in a life partner.

I'd end it too.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 07/01/2013 16:25

Really you need to post in Relationships - AIBU isn't the place for this.

You have done the right thing, it doesn't matter whether it's porn or bee keeping - you've told him it's a deal breaker for you, he's agreed to stop doing it and made you promises. He's broken your trust over and over again and yes - if he'll do that over porn he'll do it over other things. Porn isn't the issue, the issue is that you cannot trust him. If he didn't agree with your stance on porn he had plenty of opportunities to discuss it with you - like and adult

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/01/2013 16:25

I disagree with this red herring stuff. Nobody owns anyone...I am sure there are things that I do that DH doesn't particularly like but he does not have the right to forbid me to do it and vice versa.

Porn is the issue here. Some people dig it and some dont. If the OP and her DP can't find a compromise then it would seem that is that. My DH sometimes looks at porn but I couldnt care less........it's a very personal subject I think.

MiniTheMinx · 07/01/2013 16:26

Worra, why are drugs so much worse than porn?

Blistory · 07/01/2013 16:29

I would end a relationship over porn use. Total deal breaker for me and wouldn't want to be with a man who felt that it was normal.

I don't think you're being unreasonable given that he knew how you felt and had agreed to stop. Doesn't make the break up any easier.

Is there any chance that if you could ask him to put it into context and understand why you hate it, that he would agree to stop using it ? No one needs porn but the fact is that it is generally considered socially acceptable and he probably doesn't get why it's such a big deal for a lot of people.

lisac99 · 07/01/2013 16:31

I don?t think you?re being unreasonable at all.

You set down some ?ground rules? which I?m assuming he agreed to? E.g. he said ?That?s fine, I won?t look at porn?

When I have started new relationships ? both my partner and I tend to establish ?ground rules? of what?s acceptable to us and what?s not. At this point, if we don?t agree with what the other is saying, I know we?re not compatible over intrinsic beliefs, so the relationship doesn't go any further.

The fact that your partner must have agreed to not look at porn and then did it ? 10 times, suggests he has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever and despite the people on here saying ?You?re overreacting? that?s their opinion on porn and whilst they are entitled to it ? The fact your partner agreed to NOT do something and then did it again, and again, and again despite knowing your feelings towards his actions doesn't suggest he really cares for your feelings at all.

The problem is ? You?ve obviously discovered porn before and you took him back. Then you discovered it again, and took him back, therefore whilst you?ve been saying ?This is unacceptable behaviour?, your actions are saying ?I might be mad with you, however after a while I?ll forgive you and let you back?, therefore why would he assume anything would be different this time around? All he has to do is wait it out a few days and you?ll give in as that?s what he?s used to.

I personally wouldn?t be with someone like this as I had an ex partner who was obsessed with porn and like you, I forgave him, only for him to do exactly the same thing again. I had this ?gut? feeling he hadn?t respected my wishes and when confronted with the evidence, we split up ? I wasn?t married to him and didn?t have children so the situation was much ?easier?, than yours, however I don?t regret it for a second as it meant I wasn?t constantly worried about him looking at porn and ?catching? him at it.

If it?s a deal breaker to you (and it would be to me, too) then yes, you need to go through with it and find someone who actually does respect your wishes.

I?m sorry you?re going through this.

MadamFolly · 07/01/2013 16:33

The OP does not have the right to insist that he stops doing anything.

However she does have the right to leave the relationship for any reason. And if this issue os important to her then so be it.

For example I would not be in a relationship with any person who joined the armed forces. If DP decided to join then I would not forbid him to, I would just leave. That is my right, and the OP has an equal right not to be with a person who is commiting acts she disagrees with on a moral level.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/01/2013 16:34

God, I hate this saying deal breaker....I married my DH, I didn't make a deal with him or give him ground rules.....but am intrigued, what sort of ground rules does one give their new DH? Thou Shalt not shag around? Thall shalt not ever do anything I don't like you doing? My mind is boggling Confused

Proudnscary · 07/01/2013 16:34

Putting aside the porn issue, I know what it's like to live with someone else's habit that you personally find intolerable. It's very very hard.

It erodes your feelings for them, you become obsessed with whether they are or aren't doing it.

So it's not really a case of 'I wouldn't leave my dh over looking at porn', it's the longterm impact of the lying and the suspicion and the feeling of not being understood or respected.

I'd never (well rarely) advocate LTB over anything less than abusive behaviours, and I wouldn't say it now. But OP you are NOT being stupid or overreacting. Your feelings are your feelings.

Dahlen · 07/01/2013 16:35

Of course no one has the right to 'forbid' anyone to do anything, but in a loving, healthy relationship, certain behaviours that may be acceptable for an individual but have a detrimental effect on a partner are normally dispensed with out of love and consideration.

All of which is beside the point. He agreed to stop, then carried on anyway and lied about it.

MadCap · 07/01/2013 16:37

I think MadameFolly has hit the nail on the head. No, the op can't forbid her dp from doing anything, but she is definitely not unreasonable for leaving the relationship if he's doing something she finds repugnant.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/01/2013 16:39

I agree Madam

Whilst op cannot enforce it, she can state that she is not comfortable with it and make him aware that its a deal breaker for her. If he cannot/will not give it up, then she has every right to tell him to leave.

Some may perceive it as a trivial reason for ending a relationship, but it would appear that to OP it is the equivalent of cheating.

Original poster
Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 16:41

Thank you all, I really have just got to keep going and not let him weave his way back.. Again.

I love him to death. I really do but the lying and the no trust is really no relationship he's throwing at me you will never find some one who loves you as much as me which does pull the heart strings but then I think wait he can't 'love' me so much to disrespect me so much!

And I have asked him why. He says 'I don't know'
I said that's not a good enough answer as its all I seem to hear,
I asked him if its an addiction he's said no. So I asked why can't he stop for the sake of me, the family, and us... He said I don't know!

He's coming to collect the rest of his stuff and see the baby tonight so I'm going to escape for a bath and avoid talking as much as possible, he will just upset me saying stuff to really pull my heart strings.

OP posts:
Blistory · 07/01/2013 16:44

God, he sounds even worse now. So not only does he watch porn knowing it upsets you, but he lies about it and then tells you that no one will love you the way he does.

Doesn't sound like love to me. Sorry, I know it's tough but you really can do better than him.