Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Porn porn pissing porn!

294 replies

Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 15:33

Found porn for the 10th time on my partners phone
I have previously broken up with him over it I really can't describe my hate for it
He knows my reaction when I find it he always promises it will stop etc and this time I really don't think I can take him back
I have a 11 mo and I'm 10 weeks pregnant he knew that carrying on would mean him being kicked out and me having baby on my own yet still done it and played the its old trick then admits it hours later

So confused what to do and upset at his disrespect :(

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 07/01/2013 18:17

Enlighten me then?

I haven't said the OP is wrong to ask him to leave, if she objects to what he's doing then...that's her choice.

I was merely interested as to why she found it so objectional and why she's never been able to get him to explain why he likes to view it. Because, he should be able to explain it, not least because he knows she dislikes it.

donteatthefiggypudding · 07/01/2013 18:17

stuntgirl is right about the compatability issue. op thinks porn-viewing is wrong; DP thinks it's ok. but throwing the relationship away without really having a conversation about it is very sad.

Blistory · 07/01/2013 18:18

And maybe he should have considered her and his family when he continued to do something that he knows upsets her and that he had agreed to stop.

And any adult who tells another that theyll never find someone who loves them the way they do, is the controlling one.

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 18:19

The point is, Brandy that everyone has different ideas of what they think is acceptable in a relationship. And that doesn't make them controlling.

YY.

I would not date a man who: smoked, did drugs, drank excessively, watched porn, was in the army or was any kind of -ist you can think of. I want a partner who shares a similar moral outlook to me, as these things are important to me and I find I have better compatibility and understanding - and therefore a better relationship - when I'm with men like this.

Some might find this controlling, or having high standards, or being picky, but I'm in a happy, secure, respectful relationship with a man I'm ridiculously compatible with. I'm OK with my List.

Amytheflag · 07/01/2013 18:21

It is controlling to say he should stop doing something he likes by giving him an ultimatum or harassing him into saying he won't do it. If he wants to do it, leave or get over it. What does it affect really if he has a quick wank while watching porn? Its like someone's DP threatening to leave if you read fifty shades of shite. Would that be reasonable? What if next OP decides he has to leave if he watches anything with "insert sexy celebrity here" in it? Etc etc. Where does it end?

theykillhorses · 07/01/2013 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/01/2013 18:22

StuntGirl...Geologist? what have they ever done to you? Grin

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 18:25

Ali Grin

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 18:27

Actually Amy if a man was against porn - and they do exist - then yes, he would be within his rights to say "I don't like this. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who does" just like a woman could.

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 18:31

Stunt girl send them my way please :)

MadCap · 07/01/2013 18:33

Locket, I have one, but he's not going spare at moment. Grin

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 18:34

Think il buy myself 50,000 cats and hibernate :)

Amytheflag · 07/01/2013 18:35

Or you think you have one Wink

IM JOKING IM JOKING!!! Grin

BelaLugosisShed · 07/01/2013 18:46

I was going to say that it's refreshing not to have seen the tired old "all men use porn and you're a fool if you think yours doesn't" bollox Hmm

Never mind.

Amy, why no critiscism of the selfish man who is willing to throw his family away over porn use, shouldn't his priority be acting like a decent partner who makes her feel secure and loved?

Amytheflag · 07/01/2013 19:05

If the first part is referring to me bela, I clearly put I'm joking. I'm also aware that argument gets trotted out on threads like this and also know there are men who don't watch porn. Which is why I made the joke.

And there's no criticism of the man because I think he already tried compromising in a way to keep them both happy (keeping it out of OPs sight) and I honestly don't see why she can't compromise too. If he was sat on the family PC in front of her tugging one out and never having sex with OP that would be a different matter and I could understand the uproar. Why is the man always the bad guy? Why can't the woman work on her issues rather than putting them on the man?

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 19:09

Because I have said from the beginning I hate it, it's not something I am willing to accept as I have tried clearly taking him back so many times proves this, its something I can't change.

He's too selfish to be able to put this one this aside and have a family home relationship etc but chose porn over me essentially.

Lovecat · 07/01/2013 19:11

I'm just Shock at this thread. I cannot believe some of the awful, horrible responses the OP has got.

Regardless of whether porn is ok or not (and the vast majority of it it is SO not ok), the OP's partner agreed that he wouldn't do it again. Ten times. Then went & did it again. That breach of trust is the problem, not porn in itself (although where all these right-on porn apologists have popped up from is another matter - does a klaxon go off somewhere when one of these threads comes up?)

And for this she's been called frigid, hysterical, controlling, a home-wrecker (won't somebody think of the children!), harrassing - no. He's the home-wrecker, he's the one who breaks promises, who lies, who tries to emotionally blackmail the OP.

Quite frankly she's better off shut of him now than allowing her children to grow up around a man who disrespects women so openly. Stay strong, OP.

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 19:14

Thank you love cat I'm currently on the sofa keeping my head down and silent as he just turned up to see the baby. Aghhhhhhh

AThingInYourLife · 07/01/2013 19:18

"you will never find some one who loves you as much as me"

I'm intrigued that you find that romantic rather than insulting.

He's saying that you have to put up with his porn use and lying because nobody else will want you. He's dressing it up, but that's what it comes down to.

But you don't.

I'm sure one day you'll find someone to love more than this lying, porn-using scummer.

Don't mind the thickos saying you are controlling.

They say that about all women who dare to disagree with men.

What is really controlling is forcing someone into continuing a relationship on terms you know they wouldn't accept by lying to them.

He has tricked you into conceiving two children with him by pretending he was the kind of man you wanted a relationship with.

PollyPeck · 07/01/2013 19:24

What harm is he doing to anyone? OP only found out 'cos she was on his phone. What's the big deal anyway? It's not like he's off balling some other chick. He probably will if this nonsense carries on. Why should he be made to promise something he enjoys which is not illegal? Get over yourself, OP and enjoy a man with a high sex drive

MiniTheMinx · 07/01/2013 19:26

I think it really depends on what they are viewing. Everyone has nature and demeanor. Our internal dialogue might be completely at odds with how we behave and want others to see us. What goes on in someone's head is private and most of us would prefer it stay that way. The problem with someone discovering Pornography can sometimes be that they see what the other persons internal dialogue is all about, laid bare, so to speak. So these fantasies are no longer just in the mind of the other and completely inaccessible. I know I would prefer not to know DPs darkest fantasies, should I ever discover what they are through discovering "his" pornography, (he doesn't watch it) I think it would shatter my illusion of him. (depending on what it is of course!) For me that is the difference btw fantasy and pornography. Pornography however it is viewed will leave a physical trail of evidence.

BelaLugosisShed · 07/01/2013 19:26

Men who continue to use porn when they are at risk of losing their family and home, are the ones with issues Wink

There are a massive number of women citing porn use as the main reason for the breakdown of their marriages, ask any divorce lawyer.

Men who are very regular consumers of porn are unlikely to be unaffected in their daily lives, just as men who are very regular drinkers/soft drug users or computer gamers - it all boils down to extremely selfish behaviour dressed up as a "harmless" hobby.

WaspFactory · 07/01/2013 19:27

OP clearly wanted advice so there's nothing with people siding with the partner and offering her a different viewpoint. Regardless of anyone's views, why be alone with 2 kids when you can be with someone she obviously loves? There is middle ground but OP needs to realise his motivations and discuss the whole thing with a counsellor. Why not?

Portofino · 07/01/2013 19:27

I am shocked at the responses here! What a bunch of handmaidens! The Op's partner is BLATANTLY disrpecting her - and so many posters are making this about HER??? WTAF? YANBU Op. You don't like porn - you told him you don't like porn on many occasions. You are perfectly entitled to your opinion - if he cannot respect it - then he needs to ship out.

WaspFactory · 07/01/2013 19:28

Woah there Bela.... 'users of computer games'??? Shock