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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Porn porn pissing porn!

294 replies

Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 15:33

Found porn for the 10th time on my partners phone
I have previously broken up with him over it I really can't describe my hate for it
He knows my reaction when I find it he always promises it will stop etc and this time I really don't think I can take him back
I have a 11 mo and I'm 10 weeks pregnant he knew that carrying on would mean him being kicked out and me having baby on my own yet still done it and played the its old trick then admits it hours later

So confused what to do and upset at his disrespect :(

OP posts:
Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 23:04

lady I was thinking that too, and what's cruel is a have given him so many chances and he has disrespected me with something I have such a strong view on and in doing this I physically cannot and will not continue in a relationship with him, so no Sunday morning I had the normal happy family taking out son out having a meal and due to his selfishness left me with no alternative than to be a single pregnant mum! I have tried talking he wants none of it I have tried getting over the fact I hate it so much and I can't and why should I have to its not a new grey area for us its always been present I have just been naive to think he was telling the truth when in fact he was going behind my back and risking our family life. That's enough justification on my part.. Not that I need to as I have not been the 'baddy' in this I'm not perfect but I'm not a lying untrustworthy shellfish self centred tosser like he himself!

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 23:05

Selfish* auto correct!

Charbon · 07/01/2013 23:09

Locket it doesn't matter what some of these posters think. Unfortunately there are some on this site today who think that any relationship with a man (even one with a liar who uses porn and is rubbish in bed) must be saved at all costs. Fortunately not every poster on Mumsnet today is that desperate and more to the point, neither are you.

You are not depriving him of parenthood either, or your children their right to have a father. I hope you expect him to be just as much a father as he would have been had he remained in a relationship with you. If he isn't, that will be his fault and no-one else's.

What you are doing is saying 'no' to a romantic relationship with someone you don't trust, because he is untrustworthy and has repeatedly lied to you.

That is your right and don't let the desperados or anyone else persuade you otherwise.

SparkyDudess · 07/01/2013 23:09

When did it become compulsory to be cool with your partner viewing porn,for fear of being controlling or insecure?

He knows how you feel,he's done it anyway - you're quite entitled to your reaction. FWIW- it would be a deal breaker for me, in the same way as repeatedly doing anything else that I found distressing with a total lack of regard for my feelings would be.

And his total ineptness/lack of concern for your pleasure in bed is linked - he obviously thinks that 2 minutes with his mighty sword will be enough for you, wonder where he got that idea!

I will confess to laughing at the posters posting in an oh-so-superior manner because porn is obviously just lots of horny people get paid to do what they love...it'd be funny if it wasn't so sad.

Portofino · 07/01/2013 23:18

Kiwi - you have this entirely skewed you know You tell you DP you don't like something at the outset. Say you don't like it and don't want him doing it. He agrees and you continue you relationship on that basis. It does not MATTER what that thing is.

6 months later - you catch him doing it, and remind him of your view and tell him to stop.

8 months later - he is still doing and it is YOUR fault as you were controlling and MADE HIM LIE.

NO, NO, NO. He had the opportunity way back when to choose between you and the behaviour. Lying about it and blaming YOU is NEVER acceptable.

PollyPeck · 07/01/2013 23:20

Jeez - you guys are probably better apart. What are you going to do when something serious threatens your relationship rather than some nonsense around watching porn?

Portofino · 07/01/2013 23:24

Porn is NOT nonsense. Porn is the systematic abuse of women! I mean really. Women who are raped, abused, traumatised, take drugs to survive sort of stuff. It is NOT nonsense and anyone who thinks it is needs to educate themselves. O am very sad that so many women are prepared to excuse this behaviour.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 23:26

But what would men do without porn ? How would they masturbate, how would they get it up ? How would they learn about what constitutes a good sexual relationship?

Oh...

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2013 23:27

Portfino you're forgetting the OP hasn't objected to it because of that...she just doesn't like him looking at/fantasising about other women.

I think that's why Polly mentioned nonsense.

PollyPeck · 07/01/2013 23:27

Porn is out there. The nonsense is breaking up a relationship with children over watching it

Portofino · 07/01/2013 23:30

It does not MATTER what the reason was - but that she explained that reason to him and he just cannot help himself It could be anything. Making it about her feelings is not the point. She ASKED HIM NOT TO DO IT. But he cannot.

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 23:30

I am actually surprised at so many people dismissing the OP's feelings. Just because porn doesn't matter to them doesn't mean it doesn't matter to locket. I'm quite amazed people can't see that.

It's not like she's leaving him because he eats cheese and onion crisps, yet some posters are acting as if she's basing her decision on something as trivial.

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2013 23:33

It all boils down to personal opinion StuntGirl

Imo viewing people copulating on your phone is as trivial as eating cheese and onion crisps.

Though I do accept that for the OP, it obviously isn't.

TheBrideofMucky · 07/01/2013 23:35

Porn aside, no, op doesn't have the right to dictate to him what he and and can't do.

She does however have the right to leave him if he continues to do something he knows she finds hurtful and disrespectful. Which she has done. He had a choice and he made it.

Portofino · 07/01/2013 23:35

My DH smokes pot. Probably I would prefer him not to. But if I expressed in the past that I did not want him to and he told me he would not, if I expressed that was a showstopper for me, and I caught him at it in secret....well I would be entitled to choose what I did next. That would not be me being controlling.

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 23:37

I suppose the nearest equivalent I can think of is pot? I know, I know - weed is illegal and porn isn't, but bear with me.

Some people are totally ok with weed, view it on the same par or better for you than cigarettes and alcohol even, and have no issues smoking it. Some people don't smoke it but tolerate their partners smoking it. Some people can't stand the thought of it at all, and would end a relationship over it. Just because one person views weed as harmless doesn't diminish the feelings of someone who is against it.

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 23:38

Xpost porto!

SparkyDudess · 07/01/2013 23:43

I would have no time for a man who opted to view strangers fucking over an interactive relationship with his partner. You know - the person who's actually there, where it would be a mutually enjoyable thing? Or maybe that's the point - porn is intrinsically selfish, no need to consider anyone else. I refer back to OP's point about his 2 minute performance - he thinks that's all that's required, thanks to his 'experience'.

PollyPeck · 07/01/2013 23:50

I'm with Worra on this one. I don't like cheese & onion crisps but wouldn't leave my DP over it.

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2013 23:52

To be honest if they're having sex 10 times a week and they have an 11 month old baby, 2 minutes is probably all they can fit in! Grin

AThingInYourLife · 08/01/2013 00:01

It's quite weird how many people on this thread, and on MN generally recently, think anything other than unconditional acceptance of any behaviour by a man is "controlling".

It seems to be the new way of calling a woman a fishwife.

StuntGirl · 08/01/2013 00:02

But that's you polly. Can't you respect someone having a differing opinion?

Zara1984 · 08/01/2013 00:08

Even though I think it's ridiculous getting so worked up and breaking up a family over porn - the real problem is that OP has made it clear porn is not acceptable to her, and her OH has ignored her. It could be porn, not pulling his weight with chores, getting drunk every Friday night - anything.

When I read the title I thought OP was upset her OH was looking at pee porn Grin

ShellyBoobs · 08/01/2013 00:23

YABU.

Do you both tell each other what you can and can't do/like or is it just one way with you doing all the telling?

I suspect the latter.

Charbon · 08/01/2013 00:32

Even though I think it's ridiculous getting so worked up and breaking up a family over porn

It is isn't it?

What an absolutely ridiculous man.

But the OP is leaving her relationship because she's involved with a liar.

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