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Original poster

Porn porn pissing porn!

294 replies

Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 15:33

Found porn for the 10th time on my partners phone
I have previously broken up with him over it I really can't describe my hate for it
He knows my reaction when I find it he always promises it will stop etc and this time I really don't think I can take him back
I have a 11 mo and I'm 10 weeks pregnant he knew that carrying on would mean him being kicked out and me having baby on my own yet still done it and played the its old trick then admits it hours later

So confused what to do and upset at his disrespect :(

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 07/01/2013 19:28

Its the biggest single issue in divorce in the U.S.A now.

MiniTheMinx · 07/01/2013 19:29

Well said Portofino

pregnantpause · 07/01/2013 19:30

I'm sorry you are in this position op. IMO he has broken the family, he has broken your trust, and he has willingly behaved in a disrespectful, underhand and cruel way. He had every opportunity to tell you that he won't/can't stop, and instead chose to deceive you. He basically showed you that his porn is more important than your relationship.

you are not being controlling at all. As others have said, its up to you to set your own boundaries, be that against infidelity, porn, or anything else. Stay strong and remember all of the previous promises he's made, how many times he's said these same platitudes, all of the lies, when he tries selling his shit to you again.

brighthair · 07/01/2013 19:30

You stated what wasn't acceptable and he did it anyway so I get it

On the porn matter though, and this is a genuine question. I'm 28, and every man I know (work colleagues, ex partners etc) has watched or does watch porn. I couldn't even think of saying it as a deal breaker because to be it would be like wanting a man with one green eye and one brown eye - virtually impossible
My current partner watched it, doesn't bother me at all, mainly because its amateur/filmed at home stuff he watches

BelaLugosisShed · 07/01/2013 19:31

So Pollypeck - she should just STFU in case he decides to fuck other women instead? Nice. Not using porn causes infidelity now does it?

What harm is he doing? How about destroying his pregnant partner's mental health, for starters? never mind the harm that the sex industry in general does.

WaspFactory · 07/01/2013 19:32

bright - same here

MiniTheMinx · 07/01/2013 19:38

So women are "chicks" and porn is great entertainment and we should all be glad our men are not poking other "chicks"

Blistory · 07/01/2013 19:39

Brighthair

We're brought up with the expectation that porn use is acceptable, as long as it's not extreme hard core. Why ? Why does a young man need to look at naked women at best and pictures of women being exploited, raped, or killed at worst ?

If you saw porn for the first time in a vacuum, don't you think your more instinctive response would be....why ? But we're taught that it's liberal, forward thinking etc etc to accept porn, it's harmless after all. Because it suits the porn industry and it suits men to tell us this.

Any why is it okay for boy/men to be told that they can view women's bodiess as something that exist for their pleasure ? If it's so acceptable and natural why not do the same for girls/women ?

Porn is generally a crap situation for women - I don't want to sit on the train next to some tosser who's sitting there looking at a naked women and getting turned on. I don't want to think about the human trafficking element, the women who are beated, abused, demeaned, treated like trash. And why, so some guy can get off on some boobs and fanny ?

MiniTheMinx · 07/01/2013 19:40

Do men have an absolute right to watch porn? If they do then it could be said that women have a right to ask them not to as a condition of having a sexual relationship with them.

Lovecat · 07/01/2013 19:47

Great post, Blistory :)

brighthair · 07/01/2013 19:51

Blistory - I guess. Because all the men I know watch it then I do see it as normal. I occasionally watch it myself BUT I'm fussy. I found a woman who is a porn star who is very honest about her life in porn, she has a twitter and a blog and some of the interviews about her life were fascinating (not in a sexual way!)
She was interviewed about changing from woman on woman to woman/man pornography. I actually watched the first film she did with a man with my friend (god this sounds weird) because it was so OMG she is actually really, really enjoying this and it was so different from anything I've seen

As I said my partner watches it, and he is particular too. He will openly send me a link to whatever he has watched if I ask. He's a lovely guy, caring, nice to elderly people and children, works hard, doesn't do drugs/drink excessively and treats me like a princess. To find one like him that doesn't watch porn I think for me would be searching for the non existent.
I don't agree with excessive use, I hate films where the woman doesn't look happy, anything slightly dodgy and I switch off. But (on a particular website) there is vast amounts of happy amateurs and I have no problem with that
But with the OP, for me the lying is the deal breaker and specifically doing what she doesn't want him to

brighthair · 07/01/2013 19:52

God sorry that was an essay Blush
I did just ask him why he watched porn and he asked "is this a trick question or are you on the bloody Internet again?" Grin

catgirl1976 · 07/01/2013 19:53

I don't have a massive issue with porn

But you do. And you've made it clear to him how you feel on serveral occasions and he has ignored that.

That's the issue. Not the porn itself. It could be anything

Sure this has been said and I've not read the whole thread

It doesn't matter what other people's attitudes to porn are. What matters is his attitude to you

Blistory · 07/01/2013 19:56

Men get conned too - they're not really allowed to admit that they don't like it or think it's unacceptable. There are however plenty of men who don't use it.

Do you really think that any man who fathers a daughter like the idea of some stranger wanking over a picture of her breasts ? And if he doesn't like it, why should he do it to someone else's daughter/sister/wife etc etc

Amd for every happy hooker/porn star story, there are a thousand untold tales of misery. It's acting, it's not real.

brighthair · 07/01/2013 20:00

Oh I know there is, which is the stuff I choose not to watch. So basically the difference is that me and partner agree on porn which the OP hasn't got, they don't agree
And no, of course a Dad wouldn't like it... But given (don't ask, I was traumatised) I KNOW he watches/watched it then he doesn't have the right to say
It's all about agreement isn't it and what are and aren't deal breakers. For me drugs are deal breakers, and drink driving. Drugs once, maybe if it never happened again. Drunk driving is a total, utter no

BelaLugosisShed · 07/01/2013 20:07

Brighthair, what if you ask him what he would do if you had a change of heart and found porn use unacceptable and you said that it would change your opinion of him and he would lose your respect if he continued to use it?

FYI, Amateur porn is very often nothing of the sort, even if it is genuine, there is no way of knowing whether both parties have consented to their sex life being shown online, some men upload videos of an ex out of spite.

BelaLugosisShed · 07/01/2013 20:10

What about abusive men who coerce their wives into performing on camera and put it online? It's another weapon of control for them, are you confident you could tell that you were watching what would actually be a rape on film?

DoItToJulia · 07/01/2013 20:12

Lol at nice to elderly people!

Agree with all the posters that say this is an issue about trust, the porn is just the detail.

GossipWitch · 07/01/2013 20:14

OP I have to say that, although I dont mind porn and will occasionally watch it with my fella, I find it really hard to deal with when he watches it alone, particularly if I'm awake and up for it, and he's downstairs watching it, it makes me feel like shit, and like I'm not good enough, since I told him this I'm pretty sure he hasn't done it since. But I know if he did, I would be seriously thinking about our relationship status. I'm with you on this one, he has broken your trust.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/01/2013 20:19

Regardless of whether I would or would not do the same in your position,he has broken your trust and that must hurt horribly. I do hope you are doing okay OP?

Did you ask for this thread to be moved into Relationships? You'll get good advice there,going forward,regardless of what decision you make regarding your relationship.

brighthair · 07/01/2013 20:22

I get about the coercion, I do. But without name changing Grin I can't go into huge details!!
The site I use is a site where couples upload photos and videos of themselves. I know they are in no way coerced because I have chatted to them (people ask them questions and stuff)
I find this thread really interesting because I never considered it to be such a massive subject until I joined here
I asked him why he watched porn and the answer was "take your pick. I'm bored, I'm horny, you aren't here, there's nothing on tv, I couldn't sleep, I fancied a quick one" and in answer to the question of would he stop "I don't know. I would be a bit freaked cos it's like you've suddenly changed our relationship rules. I guess I would want to talk with you about why, and I would worry something had happened to make you ask. Then yes, if you wanted me to I would. But can I have naked videos of you instead then? I like visual"
BlushBlushGrin

chris481 · 07/01/2013 20:24

I'm a little irritated by the number of people saying he is throwing away the relationship over porn. The clear fact is that she is terminating the relationship, not him.

Blaming him for the break-up is the equivalent of saying "you made me hit you because you know I get angry when you say/do X." The fact that you have warned someone what you will do if they do X does not mean carrying out the threat is automatically OK. It matters whether the threat was reasonable in the first place.

I think this is a trivial and ridiculous reason to terminate a relationship where there are already children. Particularly as it seems she doesn't have a moral objection to porn, but is just jealous/insecure. And I don't buy the lying/lack of trust as a reason because I find it hard to believe that from the first time they met she made clear that she would terminate the relationship over porn. How would that come up on a first date? It is much more likely they were already in the relationship the first time they had this conversation. If that was the case, and the relationship was already at the stage where trying to preserve it meant a lot to him, then his choices were (a) allowing her completely unreasonable control over what he is allowed to think about (porn is just a visual aid to fantasy, a type of thinking) and (b) lying. (Yes a braver man could have tried to argue with her, but that depends on how articulate he is and how reasonable he thinks she is. On the available information I can't see that he would have got anywhere if he'd tried to argue.)

AThingInYourLife · 07/01/2013 20:24

"To find one like him that doesn't watch porn I think for me would be searching for the non existent."

No, it really wouldn't.

lovelyladuree · 07/01/2013 20:28

It was on his phone and private. He wasn't watching it in front of you. You have self-confidence issues which you need to work on, lady.

Franz1980 · 07/01/2013 20:29

Porn is bad enough but pissing porn? eewww