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AIBU?

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Original poster

Porn porn pissing porn!

294 replies

Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 15:33

Found porn for the 10th time on my partners phone
I have previously broken up with him over it I really can't describe my hate for it
He knows my reaction when I find it he always promises it will stop etc and this time I really don't think I can take him back
I have a 11 mo and I'm 10 weeks pregnant he knew that carrying on would mean him being kicked out and me having baby on my own yet still done it and played the its old trick then admits it hours later

So confused what to do and upset at his disrespect :(

OP posts:
Eeebygum · 08/01/2013 00:50

If it is "only porn", then why the fuck would one not be able to go without viewing it knowing full well that the consequences of them doing so, would spell the end of their family?

It isn't the OP who has split the family up, it is her ex who decided to lie, betray her trust and hurt her over and over again just so he could watch "only porn". He had a choice when he first got caught, or prior to that if it came up into discussion. Watch porn if that is what he wanted, but not if he wanted a relationship with her. If he had any respect for the OP, he would of either agreed to stay away from porn and mean it, or leave the relationship. He chose neither options.

Controlling him? Ha! My arse.

schnauzerfan · 08/01/2013 07:03

I personally think it's an over reaction. To split a family up over some porn found on a phone is massive.

BinksToEnlightenment · 08/01/2013 07:54

I haven't got time to read the whole thread, although I am familiar with the general opposing views.

I am on the side of this being a good enough reason to break up a family. If you don't love him, fine. If you do... You need to stop going through his phone looking for things to get pissed off about. Everyone is entitled to their own private thoughts and space.

BinksToEnlightenment · 08/01/2013 07:54

Not being a good enough reason*

Cat98 · 08/01/2013 07:57

Op, you have done the right thing. I can't believe people are totally missing the point. It's not about what you think about porn. Let's face it - it's hardly trivial. Even if you think it is - the fact remains it has broken up loads of relationships. Whoever compared it to eating cheese and onion crisps - I'm still laughing! Honestly! How many couples, really, go to relate/the divorce courts because of cheese and onion crisps?!

valiumredhead · 08/01/2013 08:38

Prude?
For not liking porn?

Really?

Gosh, what a revelation. There was me thinking it was because it is a vile and dangerous industry that sucks in people and leaves them for dead when its finished with them.

Now I know I am just a silly prude...

That ^^^

Portofino · 08/01/2013 09:38

This is the 10th time! OP already made her views perfectly clear on the subject - and broke up with him previously for the SAME reason. The twunt knows full well she has a serious objection to it and yet still does it, and lies about it. It is the sheer disrepect that he is showing her that is the issue here, not a bit of "harmless" porn.

I would not want a relationship with someone who promises me things faithfully to my face, and then does the complete opposite behind my back. I feel sorry for any of you who feel you have to put up with shit like that, so as not to "break up the family". It is not OP who is breaking anything. The twunt has chosen to abuse her trust.

Portofino · 08/01/2013 09:41

And as for belittling Op's opinion by comparing the issue to not liking cheese and onion crisps - that is just shameful! Go the fecking sisterhood!

HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss · 08/01/2013 09:53

What is unreasonable is the OP's partner being unable to stop looking at porn despite knowing the detrimental affect it is having on his relationship.

The cheese and onion crisp analogy is the most uneducated unintelligent thing I've read/heard in a while too.

The porn industry is full of shocking abuse of women, it's not about disliking the "flavour".

HeadfirstForAMistletoeKiss · 08/01/2013 09:58

Sorry, unintelligent was rude. I'm blaming PMS. I do think it shows a lack of understanding of the porn industry though.

Smudging · 08/01/2013 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsMoppet · 08/01/2013 10:43

As two posters up thread have pointed out, and I'm astonished only two have, the 2min sex thing is almost certainly due to and /or worsened by (individual/ alone i.e. not as a couple) porn use. When watching porn you don't eek out the pleasure as you would with a partner, you rush to the finish. I was with someone for 4yrs and split up with him over lying about porn use, poor sex life due to porn use and the porn use itself as something I'd made my feelings clear on. As with the OP's partner, my boyfriend made a choice to carry on, I think he was addicted actually, and I made my choice, to kick him out.

OP this is about lying and disrespect, and is not in any way petty or unimportant.

Locketjuice · 08/01/2013 10:51

I told him last night through text about porn and 2 minute wonder! Being related he just said what you don't enjoy having sex with me then.. Oh no for the 2 minutes its wonderful...then BOOM it's over!

Hasn't seemed to bother him maybe offended his ego which when asked why I never made an issue of it before I replied..
I'm not as horrible as yourself to damage someone's self confidence and make them feel incapable of pleasing my needs if I had known before it was related I may have rose the subject but naively thinking he was just a short performer I just let it go!

He's still texting me I love you we can work this out I'm sorry it won't happen again but as I have said many of times I can't forgive or forget being lied to and disrespected by a man that apparently loves and values me so much!

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/01/2013 10:58

It sounds like just words OP. If he was texting you "we can make it work,I'll do xyz,I/we can go to counselling etc" then it might be different. But it does just sound like he's saying what he thinks you want to hear.

So good for you for sticking to your guns here. It does seen like he won't change and will just continue to make you unhappy by lying (and also,the 2 minute sex).

AnyFucker · 08/01/2013 10:59

This bloke just seems simply inadequate, in more ways than the porn use.

You don't have to stay with someone like that. You can dump him any time you like...directly because of the porn, indirectly because of it, because of the lying and treating you like a fool or just because you have realised he is fucking useless, actually

Locketjuice · 08/01/2013 11:01

He's adamant he has no problem and does it simply because he was being 'stupid'

He Thought that would make me feel better so I guess he didn't expect the 'you fucking arsehole if you have no problem this is a million times worse you have no real reason to be carrying on other than you really are a selfish self centred fuck wit!'

AnyFucker · 08/01/2013 11:09

< nod >

AnyFucker · 08/01/2013 11:10

I have dumped people for less than being "stupid"

"Stupid" (who therwise have choices ) people have no place in the grown-up world and in mature relationships.

You can do better than this nob

Locketjuice · 08/01/2013 11:17

AND only last night asked me so how far gone are you? Just to try and get me to speak hasn't said a word about pregnancy until he can't think of anything to say..

And when do you find out if its a boy or not.. Not that its our SECOND child together or anything...

Dahlen · 08/01/2013 11:19

It's a complete myth that all men watch porn, but I've certainly noticed that younger men are far more likely than older men to watch it, probably due to the correlation with technology and the growth of the industry.

I've also found that there is a trend among younger men tend to be less respectful of women's rights and bodily autonomy. Condom use is dropping off in this age group and the number of young women scared to insist on the use of a condom because they fear rejection is thoroughly depressing.

I don't think the two are unconnected.

It's a mistake to correlate 'porn' with 'watching people have sex'. Porn is a vast industry, with the sole focus is maximising profit that often results in systematic abuse and exploitation. And yes, it is comparable with sweat shops and factories.

Being turned on by watching other people have sex is something completely different, but that's rarely what you're really seeing when you download porn.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 08/01/2013 11:28

I don't think this is worth breaking up a family over tbh.
I understand you don't like porn, but many men & women look at it, there is nothing wrong in being curious aslong as it isn't weird or illegal stuff.
It's the 2 min sex that needs looking at here, not the porn use.
I think the main reason you are upset is that he looks at these sites, but puts little effort into making love to you.

Dahlen · 08/01/2013 11:29

If his looking at porn isn't worth breaking up a family over, why doesn't he stop doing it?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 08/01/2013 11:44

Hmm.
I hate porn for moral/ethical reasons rather than sexual ones (although most porn is laughably unerotic to me) but the fact is that the vast majority of men do watch it.
You may believe your husband to be one of the few who don't. He probably isn't. And I know that is not what anyone wants to hear, but I have a lot of brothers and male friends/ex boyfriends, and they tend to tell me the truth.
The problem is that it is so easily available. When men had to actually get a mag off the top shelf or go to a sex shop to access porn, many of them just wouldn't go that far, but with one click on a phone, I think they find it very hard to resist the temptation.
I am not saying it's right, just that it is a reality. It's not because men "need" it, it's just that the desire to see naked women tends to be stronger than any ethical considerations. It is depressing.
I actually think you would be hard pressed to find a man who never looks at porn, especially a younger man, since they have grown up with easily accessible online stuff. Most of the 30/40 something men I know may use it occasionally, but are not really that enamoured of it.
You can actually tell when having sex with men who have watched a lot of porn, that they have. They sort of fast forward through the boring bits-you know, like foreplay.
I would probably have dumped him long ago for being a 2 minute man tbh.

MiniTheMinx · 08/01/2013 11:45

I think there is a link between the 2 minute performance and the porn and the lack of respect for OP ( or women in general )

It's no accident that on this thread that the people that are invalidating OPs opinion are the porn apologists and those who claim to watch it. Completely overlooking personal boundaries and the issue of trust. Of course, they mistakenly believe that the right to watch the denigration of women to mere commodities trumps a women's right to hold an opinion or set personal boundaries and expectations.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 08/01/2013 11:54

X post Dahlen. Yeah, I agree with you about the bodily autonomy thing actually, and the condom use.
I am staggered how many men are prepared to have sex minus a condom.
It really needs impressing upon our sons that if you are prepared to have sex without a condom you are basically agreeing to pay 18 years worth of child support and/or live with Aids.
Also, porn has popularised things like hair pulling, slapping and coming in women's faces. Now, I am not averse to a bit of playful slapping, but in my face?? I think not.
I am a 30 something woman though, and have the confidence to say "hold up there Sonny Jim", not some insecure teenager who just goes along with being degraded because it's become normal.