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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Porn porn pissing porn!

294 replies

Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 15:33

Found porn for the 10th time on my partners phone
I have previously broken up with him over it I really can't describe my hate for it
He knows my reaction when I find it he always promises it will stop etc and this time I really don't think I can take him back
I have a 11 mo and I'm 10 weeks pregnant he knew that carrying on would mean him being kicked out and me having baby on my own yet still done it and played the its old trick then admits it hours later

So confused what to do and upset at his disrespect :(

OP posts:
WaspFactory · 07/01/2013 17:36

what if he didn't like you reading trashy women's magazines because they're degrading and embarrassing but you thought it was harmless and did it anyway?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 07/01/2013 17:37

Why would you be thinking of another man whilst having sex I don't know?

I didn't say I thought about anyone else when I have sex, just as you don't know that your dp is thinking about anyone other than you when he has sex with you.

PollyPeck · 07/01/2013 17:40

Does he look at other women in the street? Do you give him a hard time over that? Is that a form of cheating too?
Surely better to let him look and for you to look too, then you can compare notes and have a laugh. Much healthier.. He's going to look anyway.

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 17:41

that would be incredibly weird in my honest opinion and still wanting another woman.. It's about the lying formost lying about porn is secondary

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/01/2013 17:41

Wasp my DP thinks exactly that. I ignore him. I think he wants to pat me on the head when I buy National Geographic Grin

I think that's more it InNeed. With no disrespect meant to OP, it doesn seem less of a porn issue per se and more very different ideas about what constitutes cheating and so on.

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 17:42

Which makes me feel sick. He shouldn't be lusting over another woman especially whilst I'm on top of him!

MrsDeVere · 07/01/2013 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollyPeck · 07/01/2013 17:43

If you were more relaxed about it he'd probably be open and honest with you, that's my point.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/01/2013 17:44

But Locket thinking someone other than your DP is attractive isn't cheating. It's being human. Women do it as well.

He's only lied because you have laid down the law via ultimatums and expected him to comply like a child.

InNeedOfBrandy · 07/01/2013 17:44

I think your right alis

OP maybe explore with yourself why you feel so controlling over who he looks at and thinks about, I don't think porn is the problem here really I think you don't feel very secure in the relationship and that's why him thinking about other women is such a big deal to you. Hope you manage to work it all out.

MadCap · 07/01/2013 17:47

OP I think some of the pp have behaving nastily towards you.

Why on earth would you want to be with someone who cares so little about your feelings?

PollyPeck · 07/01/2013 17:48

Now if DP was IN the porn film I could understand your concern. What right do you have to control his thoughts?

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/01/2013 17:49

Also, in my last post, Op, I didn't mean to make it sound like it's your fault that he looks at porn. It isn't. He's lying because you've said it's unacceptable (totally fine point of view) and doesn't want to stop, for reasons known only to him.

EmilyAgain · 07/01/2013 17:51

I don't think porn has much to do with how a man views his partner, or anything to do with the quality of his relationship with her. men view love and sex differently than we do. This comes from someone who grew up with brothers, including a twin brother. I honestly believe all men view porn at least occasionally. I find porn vaguely distasteful, but I wouldn't be enraged if I found my husband viewing it. He knows how I feel and respects me enough not to talk about it or do it anywhere I might discover, but if I discovered it accidentally, I wouldn't bring it up. I do not think we should attribute our own feelings to men viewing porn. it just isn't the same. Ask your partner this in a reasonable, nonjudgmental tone and see what he says.

Also, yes, abuse occurs in the porn industry. it is also widespread in the industries or production of: iPads, iPhones, chocolate, diamonds, many children's toys, most meat. How many of you who oppose porn due to abuse in the industry bought any of the previously mentioned items for Christmas presents, or requested them? You would probably prevent more abuse by taking a stand on those things rather than than porn, but it would make life decidedly more inconvenient, right?

If you have typed a message about abuse in the porn industry onto an Apple device, I suggest you google factory conditions in China for Apple workers.

donteatthefiggypudding · 07/01/2013 17:51

agree with alis and inNeed.
I dislike porn, the industry and all that goes with it, but i understand that men like visual stimulation, and porn fulfills that. his interest in porn, so long as it's adult, consenting and not an addiction, really doesn't constitute a threat to your realtionship, OP. It is also something he does on his own, and really shouldn't concern you unless you chose to enjoy it together.
As someone upthread said, the problem with ultimatums are that they need to be enforced. perhaps sitting down and TALKING about the issue is a better way forward. you have children, you owe it to them to really work this one out.

Bubblegum78 · 07/01/2013 17:53

I agree with Minitheminx.

Everyone has their "hard limits", you've stated yours and he has ignored it.

This isn't just about porn it's about trust and he's broken it over and over.

Clearly he has an addiction.

You have a conundrum, if you back down now, then what?

If you can't tolerate this then you can't, why should you back down? I do however think this warrants a proper discussion and that includes the PE aswell.

There has been dishonesty on both parts. I think you two can't have a proper relationship until you are both honest with each other.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 07/01/2013 17:53

Have you asked for this to be moved to Relationships? It's far better for this kind of thing than AIBU. You wont have a bunch of idiots telling you that you should 'stand by your man' & that 'porn is fine' & you are 'uptight' if you don't like it.

This thread shouldn't even be about Porn - it's about trust and anyone too dim to see that should really resist the urge to post drivel about not splitting up a family over porn.

perceptionreality · 07/01/2013 17:53

People watch porn because they're watching the sex, imo as someone who has used porn myself. It's a voyeur thing. Otherwise they would just use still pictures.

But if it's a deal breaker then you should end it - it will never stop being a problem for you and that's fair enough. And he's not going to stop looking at it imo - people often see it as a private masturbation tool. In all honesty, everyone fantasises when they masturbate - often about things you wouldn't do in RL.

That said, I am sure there are men out there who are happy to not watch it. I have to say that of the men I've known who use it quite a lot - they did so from a young teen sort of age and it became a part of their sexuality early on. If I had a son I would be worried because porn is just so easy to access nowadays and that's why people watch it - because it's there.

Blistory · 07/01/2013 17:55

Have I entered a parallel universe ? Or did I just miss the cool bus where it's the done thing to like porn ?

Instead of questioning why the hell he has to look at porn, we're questioning the OPs sex life, prudishness, insecurities, her controlling nature ?

As for porn being healthy, sweet fucking lord, I'm speechless at that one.

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 17:56

All I get is I don't know so I end up rambling on for an hour asking him questions etc whilst he looks at the floor saying I love you. I'm sorry. It won't happen again

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 07/01/2013 17:58

Bubblegum - when/where exactly was the OP dishonest?

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 17:59

I'm on my phone and have no idea how to change it over?
It could be anything it happens to be porn I hate and why is it such a big ask for him to stop?
I also said you clearly have no respect for me/my wishes he said I do... That's all just I do and went silent

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 07/01/2013 18:01

Except you know it will, because he doesn't agree with you.

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 18:01

If both of you are happy and fine with porn then obviously it's not a issue for your relationship, wank each other off while watching it, replicate scenes, what-the-fuck ever.

But of one of you has a vested dislike of it - and there are many reasons why this could be - it's perfectly acceptable to say "I don't like this, I do not want to engage in it, and I do not want to be with someone who does".

The difficult part here is that the OP has a child with this man, and one on the way. It would be easier if she had found out/acted on this earlier (I don't know at what point the ultimatums and children came in the scheme of things). But as things stand the OP does not like porn and does not want to be with a partner who does. That's OK. It really is.

She doesn't have to explain or justify it to anyone. She just has to do what's she feels is right for herself and her family. What your definition of what's right for her family is irrelevant.

MrsKeithRichards · 07/01/2013 18:02

Have you told him exactly why you don't want him looking at porn I'm getting the impression it isn't a moral issue more a looking at other women issue