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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Porn porn pissing porn!

294 replies

Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 15:33

Found porn for the 10th time on my partners phone
I have previously broken up with him over it I really can't describe my hate for it
He knows my reaction when I find it he always promises it will stop etc and this time I really don't think I can take him back
I have a 11 mo and I'm 10 weeks pregnant he knew that carrying on would mean him being kicked out and me having baby on my own yet still done it and played the its old trick then admits it hours later

So confused what to do and upset at his disrespect :(

OP posts:
ComfortablyCurvy · 07/01/2013 16:45

IMO it's a very personal choice.

Personally, I think it's crazy to separate with the father of your children because he watches a bit of porn in secret.

The trouble you have is the threat you made last time of ending the relationship if you caught him again.

Is it an addiction or just used to tickle his fancy as it were?

I can't see how it's affecting your relationship if you're still regularly intimate, and if its his only 'fault' then I think it's a silly thing to finish over.

I understand the mistrust side of the argument-but still-porn is fantasy, not reality.

How's your relationship usually?
Is this the only 'bad' thing?

ChaoticintheNewYear · 07/01/2013 16:46

The OP does not have the right to insist that he stops doing anything.

However she does have the right to leave the relationship for any reason. And if this issue os important to her then so be it.

This ^^

I personally have the right to say to someone 'you can watch porn or you can be in a relationship with me but you can't do both.' It is my right not to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn, it is up to them to make the choice.

The OP's presumably now ex is trying to have his cake and eat it.

Blistory · 07/01/2013 16:47

I understand the mistrust side of the argument-but still-porn is fantasy, not reality.

Porn is very much a reality and often a hellish one.

allgoingtoshitnow · 07/01/2013 16:47

Are you really going to leave your DH and kids over this OP?

It sounds like a pretty poor reason to break a family up - when hes doing it in private, on his own phone, and you caught him out by snooping.

If its something he likes then you clearly haven't articulated your objections well enough and he thinks YABU.

Original poster
Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 16:51

As silly as it sounds he's had me sobbing on the floor in the bathroom he knows how shit it makes me feel 1) doing it 2) lying to me.

I'm not leaving my baby anywhere he stays with me! His dad chose to mistreat me knowing the repercussions so really isn't my fault I can't change my view on it

OP posts:
PepsiCoco · 07/01/2013 16:53

I am with you OP, I broke up with my ex over porn. He agreed not to watch it and 3 times I found it on his laptop, I had a whole long thread about it. It is a deal breaker for me. I eventually found the strength not to take him back and fall for his lies.
For me it was a moral issue that I felt strongly about and it turned in to a trust issue with my ex.
I wasn't happy that he was getting off on looking at other women and in particular other women being raped, let's not sugar coat it, that's what it is.

allgoingtoshitnow · 07/01/2013 16:54

Sobbing on the floor over porn? Taking the baby as punishment?

You need to grow up a little.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/01/2013 16:55

Raped - what?? That is a bit hysterical isn't it?

lisac99 · 07/01/2013 16:55

'If its something he likes then you clearly haven't articulated your objections well enough and he thinks YABU'

Or maybe the OP has articulated her objections well enough on the first time, second time....etc..etc..etc... ninth time and he's carried on doing it as he has no respect for her?

Blistory · 07/01/2013 16:56

OP

Your partner is supposed to make your life easier, not harder. You're right that he had a choice and unfortunately the one he made has resulted in the end of your relationship. That's his responsibility, not yours.

You deserve to be with a man who respects you and loves you. It's not too much to ask for and if you don't feel that from him, then you're doing the right thing.

Amytheflag · 07/01/2013 16:56

I am like :O reading this thread. I couldn't imagine throwing away a family because of someone watching porn. But then if I had a problem with porn I wouldn't have started a family with someone who likes it so that's moot I guess.

Is it not something you can compromise on? I don't think I'm understanding properly why you are so against him watching porn. Is there a reason that I've missed in the thread?

MadamFolly · 07/01/2013 16:57

allgoing Please don't try to tell the OP that her feelings are invalid, they are not and even if they were she has the right to not be with someone who does something she diagrees with.

Like my exaple about the armed forces before. It would make me physically sick to be with a person that took a job that involved carrying weapons and engaging in violence. Many people would disagree with me and they have the right to do so but they do not have the right to tell me that my feelings are wrong and I should suck it up.

PepsiCoco · 07/01/2013 17:01

No betty its the reality of the porn history. Unfortunately not hysterical enough. If more people came forward and there was more hysteria then maybe less people would be raped.
Or are you telling me you actually would love the idea of several huge cocks being rammed up your arse everyday? I very much doubt, given a choice, those people would choose that for themselves.

PepsiCoco · 07/01/2013 17:02

Sorry OP, got somewhat side tracked. Just shocked at how many MNers are invalidating your opinions just like your (ex)DP has.

Original poster
Lucy411 · 07/01/2013 17:02

He doesn't want to take the baby. And no not sobbing over porn over the man I have 1 and one on the way children with making me feel shit and completely disrespected nothing about ''growing up'

OP posts:
PepsiCoco · 07/01/2013 17:03

History? industry

BelaLugosisShed · 07/01/2013 17:04

Everyone has the right to specify whatever boundaries they expect in a relationship, their partners are free to agree or not ( and not continue in the relationship) what is not acceptable is that the partner pays lip service then carries on with the behaviour in secret.

It's not unreasonable to end a relationship over this , it's not just "a bit of porn", it's the utter disrespect and lying.

Amytheflag - OP is not throwing her family away, her partner is - he's had more than enough chances - porn use is more important to him than his family.

PepsiCoco · 07/01/2013 17:04

You are upset because the man you love has saught pleasure in another woman, albeit on a phone screen. Totally understandable.

ChristmasFayrePhyllis · 07/01/2013 17:08

I would end a relationship over drug use. I would also end a relationship over porn use. Because I would consider both harmful to me and to the relationship.

Not sure why so many people are so invested in persuading an OP to overlook a perfectly reasonable personal boundary.

OP, if you want support rather than a bunfight, take this to Relationships.

PollyPeck · 07/01/2013 17:10

OP, you really are over-reacting. What's the big deal? Watch it together, you might enjoy it and that may give him more staying power.
What were you doing looking at his phone anyway? Trying to catch him out? Looks like you don't trust him which is far more serious.
Talk about your sex life; fantasies, desires, frustrations and all. Maybe with a counsellor in case it gets overheated, try Relate. It's a lot to chuck away for a bit of porn!

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/01/2013 17:17

This is entirely the wrong place for this thread. Ask MNHQ to move it to Relationships.

As it goes, I wouldn't end a relationship if my DP looked at porn. Assuming it was normal porn not child or animal porn. With the former I'd not only end the relationship but call the police.

If it really upsets you that much then you're right to end the relationship, clearly you both are not on the same page and never will be. Ever. It does sound like you've laid down the law and not liked it when he hasn't done as he was told. But if it's something you feel that strongly about then I can understand why you did so and are now so upset.

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 17:19

He split coke down him he came in to get changed I asked to use his phone to check my emails I went to google clicked the search bar and all the websites came up. No snooping needed hate to think what I would find if I did and besides that from our past I would rather not know as it seems easier thinking he's being truthful but it wa a literally put under my nose.. What it's going to get to the point where I can't use his phone for an innocent reason just in case!?

BacardiNCoke · 07/01/2013 17:19

I also agree you need to post this in relationships. You will get a much more sympathetic balanced view in there.

FWIW I think YANBU. Porn is also a deal breaker for me. We've had problems with DH looking at porn in the past. Last time was when I was pregnant with dd2 (6 years ago). I told him how I felt, how it made me feel and that it wasn't something I could have in our relationship. He took it on board and has so far respected my wishes.

That would be the main issue for me, this is the 10th time you've found him with porn and he still continues to look. And you've got a small baby and are pregnant. It's the complete disregard for your feelings that's the main issue.

Sorry for any typos am on phone.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/01/2013 17:19

Also Op though I can see where you are coming from I suppose, if we stop talking about porn and simply discuss moral boundaries (different for everyone) - why were you looking through his phone? It sounds like you don't trust him anyway.

Locketjuice · 07/01/2013 17:20

Spilt*