To quit even though a member of the group is threatening to harm themselves if i do?

[FiveSugarsPlease]

I volunteer at an elderly citizens' group once a week. I've been doing it for about a year. Since my friend left a few months ago and got replaced by someone else, i'm not enjoying it as much.

I made it clear from the start that i only wanted to show up each week and help in the classes. I didn't want to do any other outside work such as planning/paperwork/outings/finances etc. And i was told that was fine. I have a disabled young dd and i run a business too, so didn't want any other stress.

Anyway, one of the reasons i'm no longer enjoying it is because the new leader is asking me to do lots of work outwith the weekly classes. She's sending multiple texts a week asking me to buy resources, draft plans for ideas to do in forthcoming classes etc.

I've repeatedly told her that this wasn't what i signed up for. And that i didn't have to do any of this stuff before.

The new leader replied along the lines of 'that's because you let your friend do
all the work. But i can't do it all myself as i work full time.'

I apologised, and said i understood, but i still can't commit. Maybe they should find someone else to replace me?

She got annoyed and said that I can't leave because it would take a few weeks for them to find more volunteers, and she'd be left running the classes single handedly until then.

I just want to point out that very minimal 'work' is actually involved in the classes themselves since it's adults who attend. it's pretty self efficient. My duties involve making teas and chatting to everyone, getting them up for a sing song etc.

I got a text on Friday from the new leader who said that she was thinking of organising a summer trip with the class for June. I said 'sounds lovely' etc. And then she comes out with 'Great! So you can get childcare for the weekend?' I replied, 'sorry, misunderstood. Didn't realise you'd want me to come too. Unfortunately i can't.'

She replied 'Thought as much.'

It's got to the stage where i dread turning up each week now. It's not fun at all. And it's costing me £20 a month in petrol to get there. I dread it. I'm really wanting to quit. Even if they get a new leader, or an extra volunteer, i just don't want to do it anymore.

However (and here's where the AIBU part comes in after all this waffle) one of the members of the class has developed quite a strong bond with me. She is a widow and is very lonely. She has a daughter who lives a few miles from her, but she rarely sees. It was her daughter who first brought her to the class in order to 'get more of a life'. Haven't seen the daughter since though, and whenver i ask the elderly lady (let's call her M) about her, she gets upset and says she hasn't seen her for months.

M texts and phones me a lot, and often comes round to my house uninvited. I obliged to give her all my details at first because i thought i was being nice. But she did end up a bit over bearing so i kindly told her i needed some space. Whish she adhered to for 5 days then went back to her usual ways. She keeps referring to me as her 'adopted daughter', and has often told me that on the days she doesn't talk to me, she hurts herself. I've not seen any visible marks on her but I managed to get her daughter's number and rang her after hearing this.

Her daughter said her mum's always been an attention seeker but she'd have a word anyway.

Anyway, i told M a few months ago that i might be leaving the group if i get a contract i was working on (unfortunately didn't get it). M was pleased about this and said afterwards 'Thank God. I'd've killed myself if you left me.'

M is also one of the reasons i want to leave. It's just too much stress. I feel so sorry for her, and realise she's desperately lonely, but i don't want her in my life anymore. But i feel totally responsible for her.

If i leave, i'm worried she'll hurt herself. I i stop contact with her (which i really want to do) i think she'll hurt herself. Her daughter has already had SS round to M and M told them she was fine (even after the daughter telling them about M claiming to hurt herself) and they've not bothered again.

So sorry for the long post. And thanks if you've made it to the end. This is all such a mess. All i wanted to do was be a volunteer for an hour a week at a club for elderly people. That's all.

I really want to quit tonight (tonight being my last class), so would i be unreasonable to do so?

Thanks.

Oh crikey just leave. It's lovely that you even need to ask, you sound so giving, but it's too much. You have a life to lead.

YANBU. Stop doing it and don't be guilt-tripped into worrying about something that isn't your responsibility. The old lady is being manipulative.

No, YANBU.

The leader person will also learn (hopefully) that she'd have been much better off if she hadn't kept pressurising you to do all this extra stuff.

Quit.

Leave!

Just leave. When I volunteer I've never had anyone be anything but grateful. How horrible

YANBU leave then get a restraining order!

You feel the pressure and the need to leave. If M does harm herself, this will be for her daughter and doctor to deal with. It is manipulation/emotional blackmail.

YANBU to quit.

You can't be responsible for M but i would ensure that someone is aware of what she said so that someone can keep an eye on her. Then she is no longer your responsibility.

You told your new leader what you were prepared to do. Her reaction has made it worse. Might be worth explaining how you feel. Could you say that you will be leaving in one month unless they stop making you feel guilty and putting pressure on you? Give the leader a second chance so to speak.

If you don't feel this will help, then leave and don't feel guilty.

You aren't responsible for another adult harming themselves. If M harms herself, then that's down to her, not you.

Don't feel that you have any responsibility for anyone other than your own family.

Just leave.

She isn't going to kill herself. She really isn't. And if she's threatening it, you are best to report it to her GP.

If she then harrasses you by calling you and coming to your home - deal with it the same way you would if she was anyone else. call the police and report her.

It may be that her behaviour is due to something being wrong (early stage of dementia perhaps). Still not down to you. Keep records. You can take them and demonstrate that she is not, in fact, "ok".

You sound lovely but as you said this isn't what you signed up for!
Maybe it's time to step back and take a break from it,can you maybe do less sessions with them and help on am ad hoc basis!
The stress seems quite unnecessary and unfair on you.
The lady in question has a family who need to help her,how would you feel about visiting her maybe once a month just for a coffee and a chat?is that possible?

Leave for goodness sake. Speak to whoever you think is most responsible for M about her mental issues and let them deal with it. She is not your problem, as sad as it may be. Blackmail is not something you should ever give in to.

You need to leave. Situations like you have found yourself in with M are a perfect example of why volunteers in settings like yours need to be well supported by others.

I am a volunteer from a charity where we are at risk of this happening, which is why we received extensive training on how to avoid it happening, and why if it does happen, we have support from others to deal with the problem.

This lady is not your responsibility, and I appreciate how draining this must be for you emotionally.

You need to remove yourself from the situation, otherwise it will only get worse. You cannot continue indefinitely, so the sooner you leave, the better.

Just leave. It's voluntary work.

Oh and agree with other posters,she's nit going to kill herself.

You're trying to help by volunteering, which is a lovely thing to do. But you're being emotionally blackmailed by 2 different people. Honestly, you've given it your best shot, but it's time to quit.

You're not being mean to the leader, who sounds a cow. And ref M, it's all very sad, but even her own daughter seems supportive of you.

Please quit, and take a rest. And if you do feel like volunteering in the future, there are loads of people/groups out there who would be lucky to have you and would not behave as they have done.

Agree with everyone else. Just leave.

Quit.

Is the club run by umbrella organisation? If it is, could you have a word there and explain your reason for leaving?

You've given a lot of your time and helped older people enjoy some socialising. You should be looking back on this with pride and pleasure, not stress.

Leave, and maybe in time you'll feel like finding another voluntary role that you'll be appreciated for.

Yes you should leave.

Oh my goodness, you are far too giving!

M is stalking and emotionally blackmailing you.
The new group leader treats you in an appallingly dismissive and entitled way.

Stop putting the needs of either of these two people ahead of your own right to manage your time (and your personal space) how you see fit.

Leave, and be prepared to act firmly with whatever unreasonable behaviour this is going to prompt in M (I'm guessing more calls/visits to your home with anger/tears/blame/threats of self-harm...). You don't need to open your door or pick up the phone if you don't want to.

Yanbu.

You are being treated appallingly by the new leader. She clearly has no idea how to treat or manage volunteers. She has no right to make you feel bad and should be supporting you with regards to M.

Hand in your notice. You can leave immediately. Get on with your life and hopefully you can find a more rewarding voluntary position where your contributions are recognised and received with gratitude.

I know where you are coming from. I 'volunteered' to be on the pre-school committee, having been told it was 'fun' and thought all I would need to do was help out at fundraising events etc. After ac ouple of months the rest of the committee promtly resigned and left me as chair. I ended spending about 20 hours a week, on admin, hiring and firing and getting into some bloody horrible staffing situations. NEVER again.

Why not quit the club, but visit the elderly lady at home instead?