To quit even though a member of the group is threatening to harm themselves if i do?

[FiveSugarsPlease]

I volunteer at an elderly citizens' group once a week. I've been doing it for about a year. Since my friend left a few months ago and got replaced by someone else, i'm not enjoying it as much.

I made it clear from the start that i only wanted to show up each week and help in the classes. I didn't want to do any other outside work such as planning/paperwork/outings/finances etc. And i was told that was fine. I have a disabled young dd and i run a business too, so didn't want any other stress.

Anyway, one of the reasons i'm no longer enjoying it is because the new leader is asking me to do lots of work outwith the weekly classes. She's sending multiple texts a week asking me to buy resources, draft plans for ideas to do in forthcoming classes etc.

I've repeatedly told her that this wasn't what i signed up for. And that i didn't have to do any of this stuff before.

The new leader replied along the lines of 'that's because you let your friend do
all the work. But i can't do it all myself as i work full time.'

I apologised, and said i understood, but i still can't commit. Maybe they should find someone else to replace me?

She got annoyed and said that I can't leave because it would take a few weeks for them to find more volunteers, and she'd be left running the classes single handedly until then.

I just want to point out that very minimal 'work' is actually involved in the classes themselves since it's adults who attend. it's pretty self efficient. My duties involve making teas and chatting to everyone, getting them up for a sing song etc.

I got a text on Friday from the new leader who said that she was thinking of organising a summer trip with the class for June. I said 'sounds lovely' etc. And then she comes out with 'Great! So you can get childcare for the weekend?' I replied, 'sorry, misunderstood. Didn't realise you'd want me to come too. Unfortunately i can't.'

She replied 'Thought as much.'

It's got to the stage where i dread turning up each week now. It's not fun at all. And it's costing me £20 a month in petrol to get there. I dread it. I'm really wanting to quit. Even if they get a new leader, or an extra volunteer, i just don't want to do it anymore.

However (and here's where the AIBU part comes in after all this waffle) one of the members of the class has developed quite a strong bond with me. She is a widow and is very lonely. She has a daughter who lives a few miles from her, but she rarely sees. It was her daughter who first brought her to the class in order to 'get more of a life'. Haven't seen the daughter since though, and whenver i ask the elderly lady (let's call her M) about her, she gets upset and says she hasn't seen her for months.

M texts and phones me a lot, and often comes round to my house uninvited. I obliged to give her all my details at first because i thought i was being nice. But she did end up a bit over bearing so i kindly told her i needed some space. Whish she adhered to for 5 days then went back to her usual ways. She keeps referring to me as her 'adopted daughter', and has often told me that on the days she doesn't talk to me, she hurts herself. I've not seen any visible marks on her but I managed to get her daughter's number and rang her after hearing this.

Her daughter said her mum's always been an attention seeker but she'd have a word anyway.

Anyway, i told M a few months ago that i might be leaving the group if i get a contract i was working on (unfortunately didn't get it). M was pleased about this and said afterwards 'Thank God. I'd've killed myself if you left me.'

M is also one of the reasons i want to leave. It's just too much stress. I feel so sorry for her, and realise she's desperately lonely, but i don't want her in my life anymore. But i feel totally responsible for her.

If i leave, i'm worried she'll hurt herself. I i stop contact with her (which i really want to do) i think she'll hurt herself. Her daughter has already had SS round to M and M told them she was fine (even after the daughter telling them about M claiming to hurt herself) and they've not bothered again.

So sorry for the long post. And thanks if you've made it to the end. This is all such a mess. All i wanted to do was be a volunteer for an hour a week at a club for elderly people. That's all.

I really want to quit tonight (tonight being my last class), so would i be unreasonable to do so?

Thanks.

Good luck for tonight. You need to leave and be firm with M. This is having too much of a negative affect on your life.

Just bear with it for tonight - just do what you have to do. Grit your teeth and go for it. Be firm dont be persuaded to do just one more week or X until they find a replacement. This is it.

Being tough tonite will be worth it - you can wake up tomorrow and put this behind you.

If M contacts you after this you may need to get advice from your community police - dont be scared to do this - it will help create a case for SS to get her the support she needs but they have not provided. Harsh that this is - its not your issue.

If the other leader only lives 5 mins from you, can't you drop the things round to her house, or give her the option to pick them up from you today on the way to the group? If you were doing a paid job and felt as you do today then what would your GP say? They would probably sign you off for a week or two with stress. You can always pop in in a week or two and see the people, give them a chance to organise a card. Text the leader, say you aren't well, you will arrange return of items, and when you and car are better you can pop in to say goodbye.

Why not leave and offer to take the old lady to lunch once a week?

Of tge the leader reports in to anyone I would have a word with them as you hand in your notice as she is likely to scare away any other volunteers with that attitude!

Does not of tge* :$

Sorry saw subsequent posts - good plan :)

Please leave the group. You sound like an extremely kind person. But when this voluntary work becomes so demanding it is causing stress it's time to scale it down vastly or quit it altogether. I knew somebody who was a volunteer and had to drag herself in when ill because there was nobody else to take her place. And she was responsible for finding cover. Total madness.

You could order a taxi to go home on the pretext that you are going somewhere else?

You sound like a lovely person! If it's getting too much, you should just leave. Put yourself and your own family first and don't feel guilty, or responsible M. You've given so much of your own time already, don't allow M or the leader to emotionally blackmail you into staying.
You've stuck it out far longer than I would have. They wouldn't have seen me for dust a long time ago!

I think 3birthdaybunnies suggestion is a good one.

But if you really do feel like you have to attend tonight, then your plan of action sounds good.
But i would be prepared to stand your ground with reagrds to the leader and M as they will more than likely try to wear you down to get you to change your mind.

Stay firm, and be prepared for any possible backlash as i dont think they will make it easy for you.

The sooner you leave the better

Good Luck!!!

responsible for* M

Your plan sounds great.
You sound lovely :)

Can you get a taxi there, your dad pick you up?

YY To blocking numbers.
Maybe buy a Peoples Friend / Readers Digest magazine and a KitKat today for M - or a bundle of magazines for the group - along with some cakes or chocolates left over from Christmas as a parting gift? Could make you feel a bit more confident, something to focus on and talk about, makes it more final and tangible for all involved, leaves things on a sweeter note?

You sound very kind Five, but you really should just quit, tonight, and not feel bad about it. Get a cab home if you feel you need to stay for the full session tonight, otherwise ask your dad to take you to drop things off and let the leader know, he can wait outside for the 15mins this will take.

You have given your time and compassion for a year now and this new leader is clearly taking the piss, which is really impacting on your wider life. Quit without worrying about it.

When it comes to M, you have already told her daughter about your concerns, she is not your responsibility. IMO you would be best cutting all contact with her now. Tell her you're leaving the group and therefore won't be seeing her any more. End of.

I wouldn't even say 'can't see her any more' - she should not be calling, texting or coming to your home, so I wouldn't even acknowledge that and if she carries on, tell her she must stop. Then call her daughter to let her know you're being harrassed and she needs to stop it.

I hope you get this sorted - voluntary work should be rewarding for all parties, not something you dread.

"But i'm stuck on the lift home part. It'll look really daft me saying i'm getting a taxi when the leader lives just 5 minutes from me. Do i just share the ride home with her and suck up the awkwardness? It'll be bloody awful. "

Text to say that you can't, and to ask when you should drop the files off at her house. Or post them (registered delivery, natch) if you have her postcode.

Sounds like a plan. A v considerate, putting-outhers-first plan.

Could you not drop the stuff off and then just leave?
Honestly, M will have to find her own way to find her own way IYKWIM.

oops, xpost with lots of people, esp the lovely 3birthdaybunnies

I'd probably text to say I couldn't make it in tonight, post the stuff by recorded first class post (tracked, signed on delivery).

I'd block M from my phone, and would contact her daughter to let her know I'd no longer be available.

Maybe you could pop in another time with a box of biccies or a cake as a goodbye but more as a quick visit when you are no longer a volunteer.

I have nothing much more to add other than good luck this evening! It will be difficult and awkward but just think how you will feel, stepping out of that door for the last time and all that weight just floating off your shoulders! You have done so much to help out but the leader is now taking the piss and its time to put yourself first. Contact M's daughter and let her know that you are leaving - her mother is her responsibility, not yours! Let us know how you do!

I assume the new leader isn't head of this organisation - you really ought to take this to whoever she reports to.

I volunteer with vulnerable members of the public and would not hesitate to leave if I was treated like this. Luckily I am very well supported by my fellow volunteers and the organisation. You have your own life to lead OP and you do not owe these people anything.

I second duggestions to drop the stuff off at the leader's house and let her take them in.

I expect the reason M's daughter doesn't see her mother much is because her mother behaves like this. For all you know, M has probably threatened suicide or self-harm to her daughter too, but her daughter isn't letting herself be manipulated by it anymore. Try not to feel guilty about cutting ties.

Good luck for tonight! You're doing the right thing, either M or the new leader would be difficult on their own, but having both sounds very difficult!

Just go and say goodbye to everyone. Have some closure.

Have you texted yet, Five?

Does the leader get paid? I read your OP as if she's a volunteer too, or have I got that wrong? She sounds pushy but I wondered if that's why. Perhaps she took it on thinking she'd have more help.

I think you are completely NBU to quit, but I'm at all the people saying just text and don't turn up. Your plan is much better.

What a shame you have been put under such pressure and not helped with the M situation. I volunteer in an organisation where there is a certain amount of pressure to do more, and not enough support for us. I'm trying to make enough noise about it to change things.