To quit even though a member of the group is threatening to harm themselves if i do?

[FiveSugarsPlease]

I volunteer at an elderly citizens' group once a week. I've been doing it for about a year. Since my friend left a few months ago and got replaced by someone else, i'm not enjoying it as much.

I made it clear from the start that i only wanted to show up each week and help in the classes. I didn't want to do any other outside work such as planning/paperwork/outings/finances etc. And i was told that was fine. I have a disabled young dd and i run a business too, so didn't want any other stress.

Anyway, one of the reasons i'm no longer enjoying it is because the new leader is asking me to do lots of work outwith the weekly classes. She's sending multiple texts a week asking me to buy resources, draft plans for ideas to do in forthcoming classes etc.

I've repeatedly told her that this wasn't what i signed up for. And that i didn't have to do any of this stuff before.

The new leader replied along the lines of 'that's because you let your friend do
all the work. But i can't do it all myself as i work full time.'

I apologised, and said i understood, but i still can't commit. Maybe they should find someone else to replace me?

She got annoyed and said that I can't leave because it would take a few weeks for them to find more volunteers, and she'd be left running the classes single handedly until then.

I just want to point out that very minimal 'work' is actually involved in the classes themselves since it's adults who attend. it's pretty self efficient. My duties involve making teas and chatting to everyone, getting them up for a sing song etc.

I got a text on Friday from the new leader who said that she was thinking of organising a summer trip with the class for June. I said 'sounds lovely' etc. And then she comes out with 'Great! So you can get childcare for the weekend?' I replied, 'sorry, misunderstood. Didn't realise you'd want me to come too. Unfortunately i can't.'

She replied 'Thought as much.'

It's got to the stage where i dread turning up each week now. It's not fun at all. And it's costing me £20 a month in petrol to get there. I dread it. I'm really wanting to quit. Even if they get a new leader, or an extra volunteer, i just don't want to do it anymore.

However (and here's where the AIBU part comes in after all this waffle) one of the members of the class has developed quite a strong bond with me. She is a widow and is very lonely. She has a daughter who lives a few miles from her, but she rarely sees. It was her daughter who first brought her to the class in order to 'get more of a life'. Haven't seen the daughter since though, and whenver i ask the elderly lady (let's call her M) about her, she gets upset and says she hasn't seen her for months.

M texts and phones me a lot, and often comes round to my house uninvited. I obliged to give her all my details at first because i thought i was being nice. But she did end up a bit over bearing so i kindly told her i needed some space. Whish she adhered to for 5 days then went back to her usual ways. She keeps referring to me as her 'adopted daughter', and has often told me that on the days she doesn't talk to me, she hurts herself. I've not seen any visible marks on her but I managed to get her daughter's number and rang her after hearing this.

Her daughter said her mum's always been an attention seeker but she'd have a word anyway.

Anyway, i told M a few months ago that i might be leaving the group if i get a contract i was working on (unfortunately didn't get it). M was pleased about this and said afterwards 'Thank God. I'd've killed myself if you left me.'

M is also one of the reasons i want to leave. It's just too much stress. I feel so sorry for her, and realise she's desperately lonely, but i don't want her in my life anymore. But i feel totally responsible for her.

If i leave, i'm worried she'll hurt herself. I i stop contact with her (which i really want to do) i think she'll hurt herself. Her daughter has already had SS round to M and M told them she was fine (even after the daughter telling them about M claiming to hurt herself) and they've not bothered again.

So sorry for the long post. And thanks if you've made it to the end. This is all such a mess. All i wanted to do was be a volunteer for an hour a week at a club for elderly people. That's all.

I really want to quit tonight (tonight being my last class), so would i be unreasonable to do so?

Thanks.

Agree with cheddars. Send a text saying you won't be there tonight or in future.

You are volunteering and have made your boundaries clear, they are pushing for more than you are prepared to give. Quit and find another volunteering post where they aren't trying to push for more all the time.

Could you text now to say your are quitting, but pop in tonight to say goodbye if your dad will wait for 10-15 minutes for you at the start of the club?

text her, say nicely that you can't come today because no car. Then add that you are leaving, that is it.

Don't worry about saying goodbye. Normally I would encourage people to make a good ending, but I think you need sometimes to put yourself first and this is one of those times.

Text the stupid, manipulative, nasty, selfish bitch now. She has been nothing but nasty since you started, this is her problem, not yours.

Yes - it will be sad not to say good bye to the others, but I feel you need to do it this way or you will end up staying!

Next, phone the daughter, tell her you will no longer be doing the group, that her mother said something ridiculous a while back (about the suicide) and you felt she should know. Tell her she needs to stop her mother contacting you or you will be reporting her to the police for harrassment.

Put a bottle of wine in the fridge for tonight and then spend the evening enjoying having your life back!!

For starters i would email the leader one more time telling her exactly what you are prepared to do which is what you have been doing so far. Either that or just leave, your choice.

As for m, i wouldn't necessarily believe that she doesn't see her daughter much. She sounds well used to using manipulation to get her own way. So i doubt she would actually hurt herself. Tricky but what can you do? You can't see her every day for the rest of your life to stop her hurting herself.

Have you thought about contacting ss yourself and telling them?

My God, you poor thing. Leave, leave, leave.

Get a taxi home, as Horatia suggests. Pay for it with the money that you won't be spending on petrol in future weeks.

The leader can just lump it. Practise saying "No, I can't do that," over and over again so you're ready with an answer if she starts making suggestions.

If M persists, then certainly block her number. Tell social services, maybe even the police - that you are concerned for her mental health and that she is harassing you.

You are not responsible for any of these people, who have taken advantage of your lovely nature. It's not because you are a "mouse" and a "doormat". It's because THEY are being rude to you.

Yes, it's great to be kind, and nice, and obliging, and appeasing, and all those things that women are trained to be. But you know what? All that goes right out the window as soon as the person you're being kind to stops being bothered about returning the kindness. What a wonderful thing you've done, giving your efforts for all that time, but now it's time to stop and you should do it with your head high - proud of yourself. No guilt trips. Imagine what you would say to a friend in the position that you're in.

Tell Social Services about the old lady. They should probably be assessing her need for support anyway, if they haven't done it.

Or yes - even better - DON'T GO TONIGHT. Text. What's the worst that can happen?

Yeah, the leader will think you're not doing enough. But you don't have to please her. She already thinks you're not doing enough when you're bending over backwards so as well be hung for a sheep, eh?

No don't go tonight, it is stressing you too much.

It is a shame you miss saying goodbyw to everybody but I think it is worth it for not putting yourself through the rest of it.

Thanks everyone. Feeling a tad more courageous now. However, just realised i have stuff belonging to the club which i have to return. I don't fancy going there again in a few weeks to drop it in. So i'll have to go tonight. It's stuff with passwords/finances etc on it so i can't ask someone else to drop it in instead.

I'm also named on the bank accounts and other official things. This is going to cause them loads of grief.

Okay. Plan of action.

Text leader beforehand letting her know this will be my last night.

If she tries to persuade me later to stay on, i say no (i'll lie saying i've increased work hours so i now do evenings too).

I'll prepare M and tell her that i don't think it's approproate for us to remain friends once i've left, and spend some time tonight helping her plan other ways to socialise.

I'll call her daughter before i go to let her know i'm leaving and worried about how M will handle it. Also i'll ask her to make sure M doesn't come round my house or constantly call as it upsets my dd.

But i'm stuck on the lift home part. It'll look really daft me saying i'm getting a taxi when the leader lives just 5 minutes from me. Do i just share the ride home with her and suck up the awkwardness? It'll be bloody awful.

I agree with everyone. It is nice to say goodbye but in this situation, you need to save your own sanity and forget worrying about what is nice, and just leave. I would text now saying 'sorry for short notice, but cannot make tonight. I am leaving after that as it no longer fits with my other commitments, best wishes FiveSugarsPlease' and then you never have to go again.

You can't continue to volunteer if it is making you shaky and stressed, please just send the text and stop this for once and for all.

As for M, even a weekly visit would be excessive, it sounds daily and very like harassment. Just let her know you are leaving the group and cannot keep in contact (e.g. MrsdeVere's suggestion of problems with insurance). Wish her well for the future. Then contact her GP (if you know them) if it continues.

You do need to move on, you absolutely are being taken advantage of by these not very nice people. Don't worry about them, they will move onto someone else and you will get your life back.

Your plan of action sounds good. It's not at all unreasonable for you to leave, and you're being fair by letting the leader know in advance that it's your last night. I work with volunteers and one of the key things is that people give as much as they are able and should be thanked massively for that and not made to feel bad for not giving more.

I think I'd find somewhere to pop to afterwards in the taxi (maybe a friends) so you can have a glass of wine, a debrief and relax without any awquardness.

And well done for sticking it so long, you've done a wonderful thing, please don't let it put you off volunteering forever. Most organisations would value all you've offered.

Just text your resignation.

Dont worry about M, she is manipulating you and using emotional blackmail.

I would contact the daughter and M's GP, tell them her threats, then forget she even exists.

If she turns up at your house, be brave, and tell her you cannot see/talk to her anymore, do not get drawn into whys and what fors, say your piece and close the door.

If she continues to harrass, you will need to speak to police to look for a restraining order.

Good luck. :)

Good plan of action. For getting home, just book a taxi. No need to say where you are going. Good luck!

Sorry, just saw your post.

I would take the lift if you normally do, and you really feel you have to go tonight to finalise everything. I wouldn't worry about it, every one will be really nice to you once they realise you are leaving!

I also don't know why you are on the bank account if all you wanted to do was to help out on the evenings. It sounds like far too much was put on you and it is no wonder you want to quit.

Finally, don't spend too long trying to help M, she sounds like she has issues way beyond anything a little chat with you can help. Just keep repeating that it won't be appropriate for you to remain in contact after this ad nauseam and if she is a bit upset, so be it, she will move on to pestering someone else.

You need to leave this situation now. Years ago I ran a home support serviice with paid and unpaid staff. One vulnerable lady became very, very demanding of me and insisted on a rota of only three staff. Unfortunately two became ill and I had to send two other experienced staff over a weekend. I was phoned on the Monday by her daughter telling me she was in hospital after attempting to take her life because of what I had done.

I felt so terrible, I rang social services immediately to surrender the contract as we had let her down. The SW told me that on the Sunday the lady in question had had a fierce row with her children which resulted in her taking an OD. It had nothing to do with me at all.

When you become involved - in your case for genuine, caring reasons - with vulnerable, lonely and sometimes very needy people you need the support of an experienced, salaried volunteer manager certainly not the fool you have. Leave.

I wouldn't hesitate in quitting.

And I wouldn't be going in tonight either.

If the stuff has to be returned could your dad just wait in the car for 10 minutes?

If your dad can give you a lift, can you take all the stuff back tonight but just come home again? That way its a just in/out, 'sorry, dad waiting in the car, have an emergency to tend to' off you go?

As an alternative (if you can bear it) you could tell her that you're increasing your work hours from the beginning of February. This means you'll be able to to do 4 more classes, giving her time to find another victim volunteer and to sort out all the financial stuff. You can be completely guilt-free then.

Sounds like a good plan OP. And do book a taxi home. You're prioritising the group leader's feelings over your own on this - never mind how she might be feeling, if it is likely to be an awkward ride home then just book a taxi. Put your needs first - she hasn't.

If you are very concerned about M - i.e. risk of harming herself - you could always call the police to do a welfare check at her house or call the local mental health crisis team to see her. Do cut all ties though.

Let us know how you go. Good luck, and stay strong.

To be honest, I'd be inclined to tell the group leader exactly why you are leaving - that she has been pushy and overbearing and has constantly attempted to harrass you into doing tasks that you have clearly said that you do not want to. Appalling way to treat a volunteer and totally taking advantage of you.

Yes, Agree with Cheddars, If You feel physically sick at the thought of going tonight then i would be inclined to phone/text the leader and tell her that you are ill and that you will no longer be continuing at the club.

You have to concentrate on your own well being.

If M continues to contact you tell her Firmly that you are no longer a volunteer for the club and all contact must stop. If she ignores this then report to the police.

Sorry x posted with everyone else

My goodness, text the leader person and say you will not be attending tonight or ever again due to personal reasons.
Do not reply to further texts or phonecalls.
You are a volunteer who doesn't want to volunteer anymore, that's it, you don't owe anything to anyone & don't feel guilty or bad about it.