To quit even though a member of the group is threatening to harm themselves if i do?

[FiveSugarsPlease]

I volunteer at an elderly citizens' group once a week. I've been doing it for about a year. Since my friend left a few months ago and got replaced by someone else, i'm not enjoying it as much.

I made it clear from the start that i only wanted to show up each week and help in the classes. I didn't want to do any other outside work such as planning/paperwork/outings/finances etc. And i was told that was fine. I have a disabled young dd and i run a business too, so didn't want any other stress.

Anyway, one of the reasons i'm no longer enjoying it is because the new leader is asking me to do lots of work outwith the weekly classes. She's sending multiple texts a week asking me to buy resources, draft plans for ideas to do in forthcoming classes etc.

I've repeatedly told her that this wasn't what i signed up for. And that i didn't have to do any of this stuff before.

The new leader replied along the lines of 'that's because you let your friend do
all the work. But i can't do it all myself as i work full time.'

I apologised, and said i understood, but i still can't commit. Maybe they should find someone else to replace me?

She got annoyed and said that I can't leave because it would take a few weeks for them to find more volunteers, and she'd be left running the classes single handedly until then.

I just want to point out that very minimal 'work' is actually involved in the classes themselves since it's adults who attend. it's pretty self efficient. My duties involve making teas and chatting to everyone, getting them up for a sing song etc.

I got a text on Friday from the new leader who said that she was thinking of organising a summer trip with the class for June. I said 'sounds lovely' etc. And then she comes out with 'Great! So you can get childcare for the weekend?' I replied, 'sorry, misunderstood. Didn't realise you'd want me to come too. Unfortunately i can't.'

She replied 'Thought as much.'

It's got to the stage where i dread turning up each week now. It's not fun at all. And it's costing me £20 a month in petrol to get there. I dread it. I'm really wanting to quit. Even if they get a new leader, or an extra volunteer, i just don't want to do it anymore.

However (and here's where the AIBU part comes in after all this waffle) one of the members of the class has developed quite a strong bond with me. She is a widow and is very lonely. She has a daughter who lives a few miles from her, but she rarely sees. It was her daughter who first brought her to the class in order to 'get more of a life'. Haven't seen the daughter since though, and whenver i ask the elderly lady (let's call her M) about her, she gets upset and says she hasn't seen her for months.

M texts and phones me a lot, and often comes round to my house uninvited. I obliged to give her all my details at first because i thought i was being nice. But she did end up a bit over bearing so i kindly told her i needed some space. Whish she adhered to for 5 days then went back to her usual ways. She keeps referring to me as her 'adopted daughter', and has often told me that on the days she doesn't talk to me, she hurts herself. I've not seen any visible marks on her but I managed to get her daughter's number and rang her after hearing this.

Her daughter said her mum's always been an attention seeker but she'd have a word anyway.

Anyway, i told M a few months ago that i might be leaving the group if i get a contract i was working on (unfortunately didn't get it). M was pleased about this and said afterwards 'Thank God. I'd've killed myself if you left me.'

M is also one of the reasons i want to leave. It's just too much stress. I feel so sorry for her, and realise she's desperately lonely, but i don't want her in my life anymore. But i feel totally responsible for her.

If i leave, i'm worried she'll hurt herself. I i stop contact with her (which i really want to do) i think she'll hurt herself. Her daughter has already had SS round to M and M told them she was fine (even after the daughter telling them about M claiming to hurt herself) and they've not bothered again.

So sorry for the long post. And thanks if you've made it to the end. This is all such a mess. All i wanted to do was be a volunteer for an hour a week at a club for elderly people. That's all.

I really want to quit tonight (tonight being my last class), so would i be unreasonable to do so?

Thanks.

Hi again. Thank you for all your advice.

Well. I did it. But didn't quite get the outcome i wanted.

I didn't text in advance because i chickened out. i thought i'd rather tell her in person. As soon as i got in i said 'Hi. Listen i have some bad news...' She wasn't happy about it, but accepted it. For the first ten minutes anyway. Then she started asking why i was leaving. When i told her for work, she asked if i could possibly work my shifts around the group. I said no, so then she said well maybe i could come on the weeks i'm not at work. I didn't have an answer for this so i said ok. But i doubt i'll get an evening off to do so.

So then she said since i'm not officially leaving, i can still meet with her this week to discuss and share thoughts on what we can do at the classes this year. She also made a bit of a big deal about my name being on the bank account. About how much trouble it was to get me on there in the first place, and now she has to change it again.

M didn't take the news well either. She started crying. I started crying. She whispered to me that she'll hurt herself if i go. I tried to be firm and told her it's not fair telling me that. I can't afford to give up work opportunities just for her. I said if she wants to pay me for my time instead, then all well and good. I felt like a right cow, but the leader had already upset me so i was king of venting. Feel terrible now.

Just ended up getting a lift home with the leader as she coaxed me into it. I tried to get a taxi, but then she asked where i was going, she'll drop me off etc.

All the way home she was talking about not knowing how she's going to cope herself at classes by herself and thank god i'm still on board to do some paperwork.

I said 'not really...' she jumped on me saying that i'd offered to help on the nights i wasn't working. And i told her that won't be off for a while as i'm booked up every weekday evening for the next two months at least.

Anyway, just as she pulled up outside my house, i realised i'd been sitting in chocolate and melted it all over her car! I was so embarrassed. Tried making a joke of it 'glad to see we're leaving on good terms etc' but i was so embarrassed! I offered to jump upstairs and getting cleaning stuff. But she just said 'forget it. i'll text you in a few weeks to arrange our meeting to discuss future classes. bye' And that was that.

Most awkward moment ever.

I'm really confused actually over what happened.

Yes, sorry, she is a volunteer as well.

Maybe now would be the time to send a text to reinforce that you won't be getting involved?

"Thanks for the lift. I've had a quick look at my diary and realised that because I'm working extra hours, I won't actually have free time in my weeks off as everything else will have to be fit into those hours. Best of luck"

It's a bit of a shit text actually, but I'm sure somewhere more prose-adept will come along and give you a get out clause!

Oh OP, you did try.

From now on don't answer her calls. Just do everything by text. And by everything I mean just extricating yourself from the bank account etc. and reiterating that you can no longer take part.

Finally, write a detailed letter to the organisation explaining what has happened, it's really poor form for them to let this situation develop. They have a duty of care towards vulnerable adults and M could behave inappropriately towards another volunteer.

You mouse!

We are going to have to give you some assertiveness training!!

Text her tonight. 'As I said, I am no longer available to volunteer, you are going to have to find someone else to do it. Please stop trying to push me into doing something I do not have the time to do'.

Its not what I'd say, but I think it's about as 'forward' as you could possibly be.

Stop letting people walk all over you! You are a person with your own life, not a bloody door mat!!

Oh dear, poor you. That doesn't sound like it went at all well.

This is what I think you should do:

1. Write to the other volunteer saying "I am a little concerned that my intention to leave the group might not have been clear. This is to confirm that I will not be returning to the group in any capacity."

2. Speak to the bank. Let them know that you have left the group but that the other signatory is making life difficult and not accepting that you have resigned. Ask them how to have yourself removed from the bank account.

3. Speak to M's daughter and ask her to reiterate to her mother that you are not to be contacted as you are no longer part of this organisation. Very gently make it clear that if the contact does continue you may have to think about taking further action.

4. In your letter to the other volunteer, let her know what steps you have taken in relation to the bank account and any other matters. Make it clear that you are actively removing your links to this group.

Make it clear and make it final. No hints about future involvement. No excuses or apologies. Just "I am done."

I agree, text her now that you aren't going to be helping her at all.

Oh, how uncomfortable. Not really the outcome I had hoped for for you.

Does the old MN chestnut "No is a complete sentence" help?
It helps me sometimes, when I am trying to be assertive which does not come naturally. No without a 'sorry' attached.
No, I won't be able to help with paperwork/come to the class in my weeks off. I am no longer available. Best of success with your ongoing work.

And I would not get involved with M outside the group, paid or not, tbh. She sounds unhealthily needy.

Too bad about the chocolate though, although it made me grin/groan.
I think you should have some now. And a good night.
And then regroup and think about exactly what outcome you want out of this and then stick to that.

Contact the bank tomorrow and ask them to take you off any accounts you are signatory on.

Send any further information to the leader registered post.

Send a final reinforcing text that you have resigned your position and are unavailable from now on.

Block her number and have no further contact.

May sound harsh but I get the feeling if you engage her at all she will hound you into doing something and you will put up with the situation to keep the peace, all the while hating it more and more.

I think you sound lovely and very kind. When the leader texts you, just respond with something like " sorry that doesn't work for me" - you don't need to justify yourself.

Also agree with unexpected, write to the organisation and set out clearly the situation and ask them to a. Remove you from paperwork and b. make it clear to the other volunteer that you are done.

Good luck

Oh you lovely lady. You need to realise that by trying to avoid the stress and anxiety of whipping the plaster off in one go, you are causing yourself more stress and anxiety.

You don't have to explain. When they push say: No, I can't do that. Practise so it rolls off your tongue. Don't fill any silences. Don't worry if they're unhappy with you. You are not responsible for their happiness.

People like this have rhino skin. While you are worrying about their feelings, they are definitely not worrying about yours.

If you had said 'no, I can't do that' every time they tried to get around what you were trying to say then you would be feeling nothing but relief tonight.

I hope you can make it clearer by text. You need a clean break. You are too nice.

I think it really is a mistake to give any reason at all as to why you aren't coming back, as she seems very adept at arguing with them. Especially as the "reasons" you're giving are excuses, not real reasons. The REAL reason is you're feeling put upon and you don't want to do it any more. It really is that simple.

You can text her now: "I'm sorry, but I really can't commit to any more time or meetings. I will be making this a clean break."
"Why? You committed to meetings with me etc etc"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that. When can you meet me to change the bank account?"
"But you could just come each week and etc. etc."
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
"I don't know how I'll manage, why don't you etc etc."
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

Like a stuck record!

Just read this this woman M can't keep you attending by effectively blackmailng you in case she self harms.

The "leader" has no interest in you just what she wants and needs from you.

Detach, ignore.

Op, you've done so well, please do not be bullied into staying by these people.

Oh yes, the stuck record method works and is quite painfree to deploy.

five I use to volunteer for a mental health charity, and like you I got myself into a sticky situation with one of the service users. My good intentions ment that bounderies were crossed and she became over dependant on me. I ended up giving more of myself than I was really able too and was expected to give more and more. It was awful ending the relationship with her, like breaking up with a serious partner but I knew it had to be done.

Firstly you need to break completely with M NOW! Write her a letter telling her that you really enjoyed spending time with her and getting to know her but due to personal reasons you are not able to see her anymore. You do not need to explain any more. Unless you do this now she will continue to become more dependant on you and expect more and more. It will come to the point where you will not be able to remove her from your life. This is the perfect time to make the break.

As for the other volunteer, you owe her nothing. What you want is important too. And your family.

Please find the strenght to end it now!
And have others have said, if you find it dificult to do so face to face, then do it by letter!

Good luck OP. You sound lovely.
BTW I now volunteer for Homestart. I'm really enjoying it! A completely different experience.

Get dad to wait for 10 minutes whilst you drop things off and tell them you're having to leave. No explanation needed.

At the back of your mind imagine all of us had walked in with you to support.

Then smile on the way back thinking of the applause you'll get from us and the learning curve you have just had.

Good luck with the rest of your life

i think you need to cover your back. I work with volunteers and your group leader sounds very strange.

In your situation i would

write a formal resignation letter stating that you are resigning and therefore would like your name withdrawn from the accounts. and cc to bank - send both by registered post.

If you want to message me that is fine, It would be good to know the name of the organisation, the parent body if it has one and some more information. I might be able to offer some more advice based on this.

I would send a letter to your local authority social services. Keep to the facts and make a statement as to what 'M' has told you. cc this letter to the leader of the group - again send by registered post.

I think you have been very badly let down by the organisation you are volunteering with. You should have had proper on going support and induction training and assistance with setting boundaries.

The situation you describe is totally not your responsibility and I would urge you to resign immediately. And I normally see both sides of a situation so I am not normally so direct.

I hope this doesn't put you off volunteering in the future

Run run run run run away

When she gets in touch:
"Hello leech Leader Person,
It is not possible for me to spend any further time or energy on the group, my life and circumstances have changed and I am sure you can appreciate that my priorities are my paid work and my family. I wish you and the group well for the future, but please do not ask me again in regard to ^^ as it is disappointing to have to refuse, as I must. Thank you for respecting my decision, best wishes for the group outing and do pass on my regards to all the members.
FiveSugars"

Put it in writing, sooner, if you wish - and copy it to her superior if there is one.

You've done the right thing - definitely - well done and for you!

"I said if she wants to pay me for my time instead, then all well and good. "

Did you mean it when you said this to M? This would not be a good idea.

Email or text her, you can do it it OP! I do know how hard it is. Years ago I wanted to cancel a hair appointment and called 3 times, confirming each time! In the end I got my friend to call ...

Someone here will do an email surely

I agree that you should leave. Don't enter into any negotiations, but tell the leader your reasons for leaving (ie repeated requests and pressure for extra work that you told her you could not do) and put your concerns about M in writing to the leader. That is the end of your responsibility to her and the group. If you are feeling generous, you could perhaps telephone M's daughter and tell her that you are leaving, so that she has the opportunity to support her mothers, but do not under any circumstances agree to meet with her or allow her to visit etc in future - you need to draw a line under this whole thing. Good luck.

Sorry, just realised I hadn't read the latest from you. If there is someone else in overall charge of this organisation, they definitely need to know that the person leading the group is out of line. Unfortunately some of the people who volunteer for these charities have difficulties of their own, and she sounds like one of them. Yikes!

Oh poor you (again, I said this earlier) I would be just the same in your situation, full of resolve and then backtracking in the face of reality.

As others have said, just text with how you really feel. You do not have to meet up to be taken off the signatory list for the bank account. It is a shame that there is no one to take your place, but that is not your fault.