To quit even though a member of the group is threatening to harm themselves if i do?

[FiveSugarsPlease]

I volunteer at an elderly citizens' group once a week. I've been doing it for about a year. Since my friend left a few months ago and got replaced by someone else, i'm not enjoying it as much.

I made it clear from the start that i only wanted to show up each week and help in the classes. I didn't want to do any other outside work such as planning/paperwork/outings/finances etc. And i was told that was fine. I have a disabled young dd and i run a business too, so didn't want any other stress.

Anyway, one of the reasons i'm no longer enjoying it is because the new leader is asking me to do lots of work outwith the weekly classes. She's sending multiple texts a week asking me to buy resources, draft plans for ideas to do in forthcoming classes etc.

I've repeatedly told her that this wasn't what i signed up for. And that i didn't have to do any of this stuff before.

The new leader replied along the lines of 'that's because you let your friend do
all the work. But i can't do it all myself as i work full time.'

I apologised, and said i understood, but i still can't commit. Maybe they should find someone else to replace me?

She got annoyed and said that I can't leave because it would take a few weeks for them to find more volunteers, and she'd be left running the classes single handedly until then.

I just want to point out that very minimal 'work' is actually involved in the classes themselves since it's adults who attend. it's pretty self efficient. My duties involve making teas and chatting to everyone, getting them up for a sing song etc.

I got a text on Friday from the new leader who said that she was thinking of organising a summer trip with the class for June. I said 'sounds lovely' etc. And then she comes out with 'Great! So you can get childcare for the weekend?' I replied, 'sorry, misunderstood. Didn't realise you'd want me to come too. Unfortunately i can't.'

She replied 'Thought as much.'

It's got to the stage where i dread turning up each week now. It's not fun at all. And it's costing me £20 a month in petrol to get there. I dread it. I'm really wanting to quit. Even if they get a new leader, or an extra volunteer, i just don't want to do it anymore.

However (and here's where the AIBU part comes in after all this waffle) one of the members of the class has developed quite a strong bond with me. She is a widow and is very lonely. She has a daughter who lives a few miles from her, but she rarely sees. It was her daughter who first brought her to the class in order to 'get more of a life'. Haven't seen the daughter since though, and whenver i ask the elderly lady (let's call her M) about her, she gets upset and says she hasn't seen her for months.

M texts and phones me a lot, and often comes round to my house uninvited. I obliged to give her all my details at first because i thought i was being nice. But she did end up a bit over bearing so i kindly told her i needed some space. Whish she adhered to for 5 days then went back to her usual ways. She keeps referring to me as her 'adopted daughter', and has often told me that on the days she doesn't talk to me, she hurts herself. I've not seen any visible marks on her but I managed to get her daughter's number and rang her after hearing this.

Her daughter said her mum's always been an attention seeker but she'd have a word anyway.

Anyway, i told M a few months ago that i might be leaving the group if i get a contract i was working on (unfortunately didn't get it). M was pleased about this and said afterwards 'Thank God. I'd've killed myself if you left me.'

M is also one of the reasons i want to leave. It's just too much stress. I feel so sorry for her, and realise she's desperately lonely, but i don't want her in my life anymore. But i feel totally responsible for her.

If i leave, i'm worried she'll hurt herself. I i stop contact with her (which i really want to do) i think she'll hurt herself. Her daughter has already had SS round to M and M told them she was fine (even after the daughter telling them about M claiming to hurt herself) and they've not bothered again.

So sorry for the long post. And thanks if you've made it to the end. This is all such a mess. All i wanted to do was be a volunteer for an hour a week at a club for elderly people. That's all.

I really want to quit tonight (tonight being my last class), so would i be unreasonable to do so?

Thanks.

You definitely must make contact by text, mail or email to let the group leader know that you really were resigning and that you only agreed to any continuing involvement because she was putting you under pressure, so you have to withdraw your agreement. You do not have to give any reasons for quitting to her or to M though if there is a head office, it might be good to give them some feedback.

The issue with the bank is not your problem. There will be some paperwork for them to complete but it should not be onerous and is no reason to stop you leaving.
Under no circumstances should you have any further contact with M. Her dependence on you is not healthy and oversteps the boundaries very badly. If she does harm herself, only she is responsible for that and, chances are, she won't.

OP the organisation you are volunteering for sounds appalling. If they are supporting elderly and potentially vulnerable people they should have a Safeguarding policy for working with vulnerable adults, relevant training for volunteers and clear reporting routes for any concerns - whether about others or yourself - not to mention a volunteer policy or agreement that outlines the support you can expect from them, plus a complaints policy. If they are funded by a public body or council/are a charity I would certainly expect them to have all of these in place.

The situation you describe with a beneficiary becoming dependent on you would be exactly what the policies and safeguards above are there to protect you from. You should never have been left to deal with this by yourself. This is exactly the kind of thing their liability insurance is there to support them through court cases about!!

If they have an expectation of you turning up at particular times you might like to know that legally you are considered their employee - it's illegal to treat you as an unpaid volunteer. Volunteers can leave their role at any time and need give no particular reason. Check out Volunteering England for more about your role and rights.

Giving too much responsibility to volunteers who have no legal obligations to an organisation is a big no-no for for all sorts of reasons in the voluntary sector - not least exactly because a volunteer is free to leave whenever they fancy putting the org at risk. (This isn't to say you shouldn't get out of there immediately, which I would absolutely advise! I'm just pointing out why they have behaved badly.)

The behaviour of your manager is appalling, however untrained and unsupported she is, there is no way she should be pressurising you in turn. Does this organisation have any kind of board? Are you on it? How did you become a signatory/did you sign up as a trustee or company secretary something?

I reiterate Kungfu's advice re the different letters and communicating with everybody, but to be removed as signatory on a business account they'll need to do a bank mandate with the relevant other signatories signing the change. You wont be able to do it by yourself. If this is just a community account it might be easier.

I would be tempted to contact the local social services and ask for their advice re the beneficiary, there is usually a number for reporting concerns of abuse etc and this would count as that. You could also try Age UK (or whatever their name currently is... think it has changed) which will probably have an advice line.

Sorry i didn't mean to make it sound a problem about the bank mandate, just trying to clarify what will need to happen. It's actually only a problem for the organisation if you remain on the mandate - it's their problem to sort out, you don't need to worry about it (although depending on the bank/account you may need to sign the form to be removed, but that's hardly difficult).

I can see why you're finding this difficult but I think you need to do all the rest by text - then you will always have time to think about your answers and are less likely to get backed into a corner.

Just compose it, take a deep breath and press send. I like kungfu's action plan and agree with those who say you don't need to give reasons for withdrawing from this group.

Good luck! You have the support of MN behind you

Just. say. no.

Don't say "ooh, can't do Tuesday, am working". Or some reason like "no no I need to look after my 812 children, my elderly parents, my 586 disabled siblings and work a 94 hour week" becuase she will find some spare time for you, AND add that "we're all busy you know".

Just say "no".

If you really can't, then the absolute line in the sand is "I am not enjoying this. I find it stressful and upsetting. I no longer want to have any involvement in this group whatsoever, under any curcumstances".

If she makes any further contact with you, repeat. Resend the same text. if you have to do it more than a dozen times then consider if it is harassment.

Copy whoever is in charge of her into every communication you have with her, including your text and resignation.

M is needy and lonely, BUT that is why the goup exists. It is not why you exist, IFYSWIM.

Little old ladies often seem nice and harmless, but having a grandmother who is extremely manipulative and nasty at times, I'd say step back from this woman.

And give notice to the new leader.

M is more than just lonely she's in need of help and it's not up to you to do it.

Oh how awful for you. I'd definitely reiterate that you won't be back. You need to be away from there totally.

Well done, fivAnd ehen the bitch contacts you in a few weeks, you will just say "no. I can't do it". Think of all of us, and remember that 'no' is a complete sentence. Hope you sleep well tonight.

Everyone has covered this thread, just one piece of advice from me.

Regarding safeguarding. you put yourself in a very vulnerable positition by allowing 'M' to have both your phone number and personal address. Not that she would do you any harm, but she is pestering you and emotionally blackmailing you.

You also leave yourself open to accusations of manipulation. Using the "what if" scenario - she called you her adopted daughter - what if she passed away and had remade her will in your favour? There would be mary-hell to pay by the family, the care home would be dragged through the mid, as would the volunteer group.

Always take a step back from anywhere you work - collegues are just that, they aren't friends, work is your common ground. As much as you like them day to day, when you move on it is rare that you keep in touch with any of them. Therefore they have no need to step into your personal life

Well done for trying, it didn't go as you'd hoped but you have made a tiny step in the right direction.
Now you need to email or write to the leader:
As I stated I can no longer continue to volunteer with x organisation. I am no longer enjoying my role and wish to spend my free time with my family.
I will not be able to come to any more sessions or planning meetings. Please contact the bank and arrange for my signature to be removed from all official documentation.
Yours sincerely, fivesugars.
That's it, no more contact. It is a volunteer role and it is making you ill, time to go, no weekend shifts, nothing.
With regards to M, don't go back and see her. Contact her daughter, GP , SS and let them know what she said. If she continues to harass you, contact the police.
You sound so kind and caring but for your own health send the email or letter, don't go to the group again or see the leader or M, they will only manipulate you.

OP, you have made a big step, well done. I agree the next stage should be in writing (text or email).

Just leave, I would. Your not enjoying it and things ave become too heavy. M is not your responsibility and I know you feel she is. Her dd should be making the effort Wth her

How are you today?

I am just back to agree with what others have said:
Break all contact with the group and M.
V good advice on who to contact and possible ways of how to work it.

No 'sorries'. No weak excuses. As I've said before, I love 'No is a complete sentence' .

Btw, I have some professional experience with people like M: they can be most upsetting to people close to them, they often do not want or engage with help as the gain more from their manipulative behaviour that what they are prepared to give up by leading a more emotionally independent life. Stay well clear. There is help for people who want help.

Pressing you on reasons "why" you say no to something is a favorite tool of manipulators and pushy people.

Please realise that "I don't want to" is a perfectly valid reason why, and is all you need to answer to such a question. Broken record technique if necessary.

You are entitled not to want to do something. Just your own, personal preference is enough of a reason.

Start believing it!

Also, you should inform the group leader that if she contacts you again (after you have resigned) you will regard it as harassment. Remember that you do not have to see or speak to her if you don't want to. You are under no legal obligation to her or the organisation. You can walk away and go on with your life.

OP - hope you're ok and I am sorry you're in what sounds like a very stressful and unanticipated situation. Please do try to make as clean a break as soon and clearly as possible. You can tell the charity about the experience when you're up to it, but for now, please email the leader sthing like:

Dear [Leader], While I might have given the impression that I could do some paperwork at some stage, in fact I would prefer a complete and total clean break with the group as I have a number of other pressures on my time. Please note that I am not in a position to discuss this any further with you, and nor will I be able to undertake any paperwork, planning or absolutely any other activities whatsoever. My [dh or friend or sister or whoever] will drop all outstanding documentation [if there is any] to you by the end of this week. I wish you all the best, and would like to reiterate that I will not be in a position at any time to spend any more time on any activities related to the group.

Then email M's daughter and say that you have left your volunteer role and due to a number of circumstances, you will not be in a position to have any further contact with M. You would appreciate it if the daughter could make this very clear to M, and are grateful to her for her assistance in this.

If that group fails it's totally on that horrible woman's head as she will drive away the kindliest of volunteers.

Wss poopadoop ^

How did it go, Five?

Just wondering how things turned out.

Hello, everyone.

So sorry i'm just replying. Thank you all for your advice.

I emailed the main person in charge (who i've never even met before) just saying that i've left, and sorry for the short notice etc. And i hope they find a replacement soon.

Well, last week i got an email from the old leader saying that my name's still on the bank accounts and that it might have to stay on there for a while until they can find someone else willing to be named on it instead. I said i'm not happy with this, but she said it would make no difference to me. it's just a name. I'm not liable for anything. The type of account doesn't allows loans or overdrafts, so i said ok.

I've also been bombarded with texts from her asking when i'm free to discuss this year's plans for the classes!

The woman member of the club has actually been not too bad. She's been calling a lot, but not coming round after i had a few firm words last week...

Her calls are still fairly frequent though, but i'm hoping this will die down soon.

I'm feeling much more braver actually, and sooooo much happier i've left! Feel like i've got my life back.

Thanks again everybody.

I read your thread I don't think YWBU to leave that group. Good for you. I know society needs people to volunteer (and I do my bit) but it has to be voluntary. You have enough on your plate and it is completely unfair of this leader to make you feel guilty.

If she had let you only do what you felt comfortably with you might actually have stayed on a bit longer so her pushiness has completely backfired on her.

If they text you again just text them back telling them to fuck off.

Please start being firmer! What's it like with m?

I think you will need to check liability reagrding the account. I think you may in fact be held liable while your name is on the account, but I don't know for definite.

Do check with the bank.