To quit even though a member of the group is threatening to harm themselves if i do?

[FiveSugarsPlease]

I volunteer at an elderly citizens' group once a week. I've been doing it for about a year. Since my friend left a few months ago and got replaced by someone else, i'm not enjoying it as much.

I made it clear from the start that i only wanted to show up each week and help in the classes. I didn't want to do any other outside work such as planning/paperwork/outings/finances etc. And i was told that was fine. I have a disabled young dd and i run a business too, so didn't want any other stress.

Anyway, one of the reasons i'm no longer enjoying it is because the new leader is asking me to do lots of work outwith the weekly classes. She's sending multiple texts a week asking me to buy resources, draft plans for ideas to do in forthcoming classes etc.

I've repeatedly told her that this wasn't what i signed up for. And that i didn't have to do any of this stuff before.

The new leader replied along the lines of 'that's because you let your friend do
all the work. But i can't do it all myself as i work full time.'

I apologised, and said i understood, but i still can't commit. Maybe they should find someone else to replace me?

She got annoyed and said that I can't leave because it would take a few weeks for them to find more volunteers, and she'd be left running the classes single handedly until then.

I just want to point out that very minimal 'work' is actually involved in the classes themselves since it's adults who attend. it's pretty self efficient. My duties involve making teas and chatting to everyone, getting them up for a sing song etc.

I got a text on Friday from the new leader who said that she was thinking of organising a summer trip with the class for June. I said 'sounds lovely' etc. And then she comes out with 'Great! So you can get childcare for the weekend?' I replied, 'sorry, misunderstood. Didn't realise you'd want me to come too. Unfortunately i can't.'

She replied 'Thought as much.'

It's got to the stage where i dread turning up each week now. It's not fun at all. And it's costing me £20 a month in petrol to get there. I dread it. I'm really wanting to quit. Even if they get a new leader, or an extra volunteer, i just don't want to do it anymore.

However (and here's where the AIBU part comes in after all this waffle) one of the members of the class has developed quite a strong bond with me. She is a widow and is very lonely. She has a daughter who lives a few miles from her, but she rarely sees. It was her daughter who first brought her to the class in order to 'get more of a life'. Haven't seen the daughter since though, and whenver i ask the elderly lady (let's call her M) about her, she gets upset and says she hasn't seen her for months.

M texts and phones me a lot, and often comes round to my house uninvited. I obliged to give her all my details at first because i thought i was being nice. But she did end up a bit over bearing so i kindly told her i needed some space. Whish she adhered to for 5 days then went back to her usual ways. She keeps referring to me as her 'adopted daughter', and has often told me that on the days she doesn't talk to me, she hurts herself. I've not seen any visible marks on her but I managed to get her daughter's number and rang her after hearing this.

Her daughter said her mum's always been an attention seeker but she'd have a word anyway.

Anyway, i told M a few months ago that i might be leaving the group if i get a contract i was working on (unfortunately didn't get it). M was pleased about this and said afterwards 'Thank God. I'd've killed myself if you left me.'

M is also one of the reasons i want to leave. It's just too much stress. I feel so sorry for her, and realise she's desperately lonely, but i don't want her in my life anymore. But i feel totally responsible for her.

If i leave, i'm worried she'll hurt herself. I i stop contact with her (which i really want to do) i think she'll hurt herself. Her daughter has already had SS round to M and M told them she was fine (even after the daughter telling them about M claiming to hurt herself) and they've not bothered again.

So sorry for the long post. And thanks if you've made it to the end. This is all such a mess. All i wanted to do was be a volunteer for an hour a week at a club for elderly people. That's all.

I really want to quit tonight (tonight being my last class), so would i be unreasonable to do so?

Thanks.

Don't feel bad about quitting.
You've done your bit (above and beyond).
It sounds like M could have a personality disorder. You can't live your life around her emotions - you'd never leave.
It could be good to just give her daughter another ring and say that you're leaving.
I think you'll regret it if you don't go now.

YANBU. At all. In fact you sound v lovely and caring.

People who self-harm usually do so in private and in places that are not obvious in public. People who say they self-harm at the least provocation sometimes do self-harm, but often don't. Either way, this is M's problem and not yours.
You have spoken to the daughter; if you feel strongly about it, let M's GP know (who may well be aware of it and whatever other problems she might have anyway) and then distance yourself.

As far as the new leader goes: v poor people skills .
Leave. It'll be a weight off your shoulders.

Please let tonight be your final night. You have done more than enough. Time to walk away. This whole situation is totally toxic. M has been pulling that manipulative crap all her days. That's why her daughter stays away. Keep your head high.

Tell them tonight is your last night. No more discussions. It's a voluntary position. Don't be guilted into staying - your so called leader is the bane of every committee/ volunteer run organisation. I really feel for you- take care of YOURSELF, and walk away!

You poor thing. Try to do something good and it turns into a nightmare. Just leave, with your head held high and don't worry about the fallout.

YANBU, I would want to leave after tonight as well. I understand why you feel responsible for M and I woud feel guilty too but she isn't your responsibilty and it certainly won't be your fault if she does harm herself in some way. I'm not sure going round for coffees to her house would be a good idea, it sounds like she has boundary issues and perhaps a clean break would be better, it sounds cold hearted but I would stop answering the door to her or taking her calls until she gets the message, you signed up to volunteer at a class not be at someone's permanent beck and call.

there must be someone higher up/with more responsibility you can talk to?
It's a shame if you feel you have to leave as you've obviously been very useful and presumably enjoyed it, when it was manageable.
As you are not running the group, the amount of work to be done isn't your problem. I would speak to the leader, be very assertive and say you are not able to commit more than the 1 hr a week or whatever it is. Say if the role requires more than that you will have to leave. Don't let what M says decide you, but you should be having some supervision to help you deal with the situation.

If you volunteer again, don't feel obliged to give your personal details, unless someone has a really good reason for knowing, eg, to contact you if a class is cancelled, etc.

And deffo don't go round to M's house!

Quit, the leader sounds horrible and tell M that you're leaving as there is to be no contact at all.

YANBU, you need to focus on your family and importantly- you.

Thanks everyone!

I was expecting a lot of you to say i am being U/selfish.

I don't want to give the new leader or M any more chances, or to try and negotiate. I want to cut them both - and the group - out of my life for good. It's just too much and i actually feel anxious whenever i think about going there each week.

I don't think M would be okay with me just visiting on a weekly basis. it's all or nothing with her. She phones and texts constantly, and i've not actually answered any of the messages since a week before Christmas, yet she continued to call and text and has came to my house several times since (i've hidden in the living room and turned the lights off!)

I feel rotten. But i just want shot of her. I know that if i quit tonight, i'll be bombarded with messages (she has my work number too which i can't change as it's on all my business merchandise) about her harming herself etc. I can't ignore her/hide from her forever, and i doubt she'll ever get bored of pursuing me.

I'm basically a mouse/doormat. Easily intimidated and too shy to be firm with someone. I honestly think that even if i do try and be firm with her, she'll still pester me.

And imagine if she really did kill herself. Her daughter would blame me. Ahhh such a mess. I feel sick at the thought of going there tonight and telling the new leader out of the blue that I quit. I want to do it at the start of the class but i'll have to spend a whole hour in an awkward state and also half an hour home (we share a ride home - alternative weeks of my car/her car etc).

I'm just telling myself, this time tomorrow, it'll be all done. That's if i have the balls to go through with it.

please don#t feel guilty about leaving. Your goodwill is being taken advantage of. I would however be clear (maybe in writing?) about why you are leaving, so they understand that they have overstepped boundaries.
But even if you can't do that, please feel free to leave. You are a volunteer.

Five - please leave this organisation with no guilt at all tonight.

You have volunteered for a year which is far more than many people ever do - you should feel proud of yourself. Don't let yourself be persuaded to stay on 'until they can find someone else' / service a notice period or whatever. Just a thought but how would you feel about announcing your departure at the end of the session to minimise the potential for people to persuade you and then beat a hasty retreat. I would also feedback up the organisation about how you have felt pressurised and unsupported. Volunteers are precious resources and should be supported at every turn. Good luck

You need to tell M that you will not be able to answer messages/see her any more. And tell her with a witness. Make sure her DD is aware of you telling M this.

Call the police's non emergency number. You're being harassed by M (who is awfully manipulative) and as you're having a clean break I would get them to give you advice and take anything they can do (talk to M etc...)

You can do this, you deserve to feel happy with life, not anxious, stressed and unable to open your own door!

Please call the police about her harassing you. She sounds mentally unstable and needs help. Please stop going and do NOT feel guilty.

Agree with everyone else - quit and do not feel guilty.

You have given generously of yourself and got stress as thanks - you do not need that.

You need to quit for your own health, and I'm sure your phone provider will help you with blocking M's number from contacting you.

I agree with all the above. Your priority in this situation is you.

Can your service provider block M's number? If only from your business line.

And for goodness sake, take your own car tonight! Good luck.

Poor you.

I agree with others that you should put it in writing/have a witness when resigning or write to the organisational head if there is one explaining your reasons. You need to cover yourself.

I see again and again (and have personal experience, too) of organisations losing good volunteers because they fail to grasp that they are volunteers not paid employees. The hapless individual turns up to the first meeting and suddenly finds they are the Secretary which involves dealing with all the financial issues and crap administration that no one else will touch with a bargepole.

FiveSugarsPlease this is affecting YOUR mental health and you need to be kind and nurturing to yourself too. Leave and don't look back!

My car's on the blink just now, so i'd have to get a lift home with her. My dad has offered to take me there. But can't bring me home.

I'm seriously dreading this. Thanks very much for all of your advice. I didn't even consider the possibility of blocking M's number.

I feel sick about the thought of even going tonight. Really sick and clammy. I just know that me quitting will not go down well, and that the leader will somehow try and persuade me to stay by saying she'll do the paperwork etc. As i'm so soft, i know I'll end up agreeing and then feeling ten times worse when i get home tonight.

Would it be terribly low of me to simply text the leader just now and quit? But then i don't get to say goodby properly to all of the ladies and gents at the club.

Ah!

Taxi home? Worth it to get a clean break.

If it is making you ill (and in my book anxiety counts as illness) then you absolutely stop. For your own conscience you should probably go one last time, though. If you're like me you would beat yourself up even more if you didn't do things "professionally" even if it isn't your job.

Definitely don't go tonight. This situation is causing you far too much anxiety now. Text her and say you're sorry for the short notice but you can no longer continue volunteering for the classes. You can always drive down in a few weeks to see the class and say goodbye.

Do it now, then relax and forget about it.

Yes Cheddars is right, text now, you will feel like a ton of weight has been lifted off you!