To be sick of women's attitudes about their oh's competenence with their children?

[rhondajean]

My blood is boiling! Come tell me I am being totally unreasonable.

In the last week I have read countless threads all of which focused on fathers perceived inability to take care of their own children, make decisions a out parenting, basically be an adult.

I can't decide whether half on MN is married/living with idiots or whether there is such a level of arrogance among some women that they cannot accept they are not irreplaceable to their little darlings for a couple of hours, or even days.

C'mon, slap me down!

Brilliant thread from the OP which definitely not BU. From the number of replies agreeing you would think that there was no issue on MN. But I think we all know the reality... as soon as anyone posts about their DH there follows a diatribe of rants about men. My favourite is when Sonera obesity posts about Thierry DH being a but of an idiot and all the replies suggest he must be having an affair.

Fed. Clean. Watered. Happy. In bed at usual time.

The how that was achieved is entirely up to him. I'm not their nanny and he's not my employer. I don't expect to have to account to him for how I've cared for them when he's not around, I extend him the same courtesy.

Chubfuddler, kim147, I really don't mean to be argumentative, but if your childcare standards were applied to the work of women, they would usually be found incredibly lacking. The list you made seems to apply to somebody who has been left in charge of the children for a few hours as opposed to a parent. These are expectations I have for my babysitter. I expect quite a bit more from the father of my child.

I agree eliza. It's not down to luck as such... I don't think it's a woman's fault as such if she picks a man who turns out to be a useless father, god knows there are enough of them around for it to be inevitable. But an equal relationship shouldn't be put down to "luck", it should be a basic standard!

Equality is not equality within every role. How many people could do their partner's job to the same standard that they could?

My husband does not babysit our children. How dare you. I was asked what I expect to find if I come home and they have been in his care. A great deal of other things will have gone on - but I'm not going to micromanage it all and I think any parent who attempts to do so has a big problem. And is possibly with the wrong partner.

Geez, Chubfuddler, would you chill a bit! I never said that you husband babysat your children. Please re-read my post.

Kim, this would be my list too. I was just surprised that the original list for the men's "care" was so limited.

You said my expectations for my husbands care were those you would have for a babysitter. How were not saying my husband acted like a babysitter to my children?

The list was small because a young child's essential physical needs are pretty simple.

I was not talking about you husband's actions. I was talking about your expectations of those actions. Different thing.

Only got to page two but i agree op.

There are also the threads where the mum is distraught that the dad raised his voice, got cross, punished etc the children because they never raise their voice.

Well good for them and aren't they lucky that they are the super calm type! I wish i was but Im not and of are all different. It disturbs me because their perception of the dads parenting is that he is damaging the children (theres usually quite a lot of he's abusive responses too) because he is not perfect like them.

I'll give you an example.
I recently took DS down to London on the train. First time to London with DS but I've been there loads of times.

ExP was checking to make sure I had food organised. And then she reminded me to hold his hand on the escalator. To stand back on the tube line.

I listened but it really wound me up. I'm not stupid and understand the risks of the underground as well as the fact that I needed to feed him on the train. I did manage to take him around Europe for 10 days by myself.

I know she was making sure DS was safe but it was hard not to feel patronised.

Anyway DS was safe as he held my hand tightly because mum had told him to.

My expectations are based on knowing my husband is a competent, intelligent adult. Some women aren't apparently with those. Shame but they do have a choice about that.

Cantthink that was incredibly patronising of her. I hope you told her so.

Me and my DH have always had an equal partnership. We both work and therefore both do housework. We have just adopted a 3 year old b

Cantthinkofadadname.

Me and my dh both do that with each other, usually following "i know you know this already but . . . " Because we both know that if a concern pops into our head and we don't say it to the other then we'll be irrationally worried. So we just say it and neither of us get offended.

Pressed send too soon!

A 3 yr old boy and at first I took control, but that was because I have has more child care experience. After a couple of weeks I stepped back and now he is a brilliant, hands on dad. I have a friend that arranges child care if she goes out, despite the fact that her DH is at home. I find this very bizarre.

I think you are very lucky to have a 50/50 relationship, because not many people do. But I think it isn't just the female that is lucky, it is the man too.

I agree op, dh is just as capible as I am of looking after our dc.

However, he works long hours, leaves just as the girls are getting up and is home after bed time. I have to point out little things at teh weekends like, please change the girls nappies when you get up with them in the morning and dont make them wait 2 hours before giving them breakfat, they are winging because they are hungry and wet. he just doesnt think of these things!

He doesnt know how we handle things during the week eg dd1 keeps touching dh's dirty car then asking for a wet wipe to wash her hands because they are dirty, after a couple of weeks he told her off for touching the car and making her hands dirty, he lost patience with her and told her that if she didnt touch the car she wouldnt get dirty hands. He then gave her a time out when she did it again later on. (if I had realised at the time I wouyld have stepped in!) When he spoke to me later about how annoying it was, I pointed out to him that I tell dd1 to touch the car and not move when we go out in the car and I am sorting dd2 out. if shes touching the car shes not running out into the road.

hes not incompetent, but sometimes it may come across as that as he doesnt know how I deal with them during them during the week. and often dd1 will say to him, not like that daddy, like mummy. and he just doesnt know how I do it meaning he has to come to me and ask. So hes constantly running things by me and asking how to do simple things becvause the dc like the bedtime song i sing or where I put her doll at bedtime so she can find it.

its also a confidence thing and when i tell him i'm going out a look of panic streaks his face! and i have to remind him he is their dad and capable of looking after them, there are nappies in the cupboard, milk in the fridge and food in the kitchen and have fun!

its getting better with time but every now and then I get annoyed and may post on mumsnet about my useless dh. I dont often have the urge to post about my lovely dh who let me sleep in, changed the dc's nappies, fed them breakfast, got them dressed and took them out without any input from me. that wouldnt be an intresting or useful thread

It would be interesting and useful to hear something positive about fathers for a change actually.

I guess I'm one of those who make your blood boil then Rhondajean, although I rarely start threads about it.

I met DH in the UK. He seemed very sorted, had been travelling for a year, was quite capable of looking after himself. We had a long-distance relationship for a few years as he was back and forth, doing a degree in his home country as a mature student - self-motivated, organised etc. He helped (ok, he was never big on housework) around the house, cooked, washed up, did his own washing etc. I thought he WAS a fairly mature adult.

Imagine my surprise when we emigrated to Aus with 20mo DS and got within MIL's radius and DH reverted to teenage behaviour. He's still a motivated worker job-wise, no problems there. But everything else has gone steadily downhill since we got here. And as DS has got older (he's 5 now) DH seems to be bent on being his best buddy rather than a proper parent, to the extent that they collude in badness (I'm the disciplinarian, obviously, which wasn't how I wanted it to be but someone had to do it!)

DH has nearly let DS drown by allowing him to swim in the lake with MIL, despite me warning them that this would be dangerous - his mum lost her footing and she was floundering, while holding DS. DH was baiting his fishing hook - luckily he turned round in time or they'd both have been dead (I wasn't there).
Week 1 of having a trampoline - DH was out "looking after" DS on the trampoline, but hadn't closed the net so DS managed to fall out onto concrete. DH picked him up and brought him straight to me, then left me with him. He can't deal with it! He doesn't try! And I can't force him to because DS would suffer while we argue about it.

The problem I have NOW is that DH just doesn't think first. How can you teach someone to do that? He just thinks about himself first, always. He's great when you tell him/remind him/ ask him to do stuff - but I don't want to always be doing that. I would love to be confident that DH could look after our sons competently but I'm not sure that he would, because he doesn't try to think about what they need (including feeding them).

Oh, and to complete this epic post - I asked him to change DS2's nappy in the first week or so; he'd done DS1's nappies before, so I expected he'd be ok - he left the nappy wrap off (cloth nappies).

I'm sure the purists among you would think I should somehow have known that he would be like this - but really, how? Until you're in the situation, you can't foretell how incapable of forethought someone is going to be, when they've seemed perfectly competent up until that point! And I don't enfeeble him - I encourage him to do stuff, think first, all of that - but he reacts like a teenager. So what - am I supposed to divorce him over that? I don't think so.

I don't recognise the unequal partnerships (if you can properly call them that) that are regularly mentioned on MN - men who cannot look after a child, iron a shirt or do anything without a woman ruffling their hair and talking them through it. All of the men I know are very hands on with their kids, know where the hoover lives and can generally manage to get through life without their wife/partner telling them to do every thing.

I'd divorce a man who didn't even think to feed a child. Absolutely I would. What's the benefit to you or the child in carrying this lump for the next twenty years? Genuine question.