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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ds dies not need a 'bloody good hiding'

178 replies

mamasmissionimpossible · 05/01/2013 21:24

So I'm staying at parents as we are having our home redecorated before a move.

My ds is 7. He came home from a party today and was being aggressive (hiting the walls)and calling me names. my parents overhear all this.

I want to discipline without smacking as I just don't see it as a useful method if discipline. My father doesn't agree and says if ds did this behaviour with him in charge he would give him ' a bloody good hiding'. I feel so upset he could do that and know it wouldn't work long term. Df thinks he will be a delinquent teen with the behaviour he us showing.

After ds calmed down. He apologised to me (without prompting) and I explained why his behaviour was unacceptable.

Just looking for reassurance from mn that I don't need to use physical discipline to get him to behave.

I found out after the event that he hadn't had any tea at the party, which often has a negative effect on his behaviour.

OP posts:
whois · 05/01/2013 21:26

YANBU but from your DFs point of view your DS was being a right little shit and damaging their house which does get people's blood boiling.

SirBoobAlot · 05/01/2013 21:27

No child ever needs to be hit. Ever. Regardless of what they are doing.

TBH I'd be looking to stay somewhere else if that is the attitude your DS is going to be exposed to whilst you are staying.

Never understand why we think we can teach children not to hit by hitting them.

TidyDancer · 05/01/2013 21:29

YANBU wrt the hitting. No child should be hit and your reasoning for this is good.

That said, being aggressive and calling you names, even after a party where he will naturally be hyped, is clearly not acceptable.

Do you find you have an issue with how you do discipline him, or is this a one off?

PoppyWearer · 05/01/2013 21:31

YANBU but it's probably a generational thing. My own DDad used to say "that child needs a good hiding" about other young children when I was a teenager. (He wouldn't dream of it now he's a grandfather though).

pictish · 05/01/2013 21:31

Tbh, not having dinner doesn't excuse his behaviour, which sounds pretty bad.

However...a hiding would solve nothing.

Your dad was probably pissed off at seeing him act up though. Thumping walls and calling his mum names is unacceptable.

lovelyladuree · 05/01/2013 21:32

Are you really asking if physically abusing a child is ok? Only bullying, evil parents hit or smack their children. Hope I made that clear for you?

McNewPants2013 · 05/01/2013 21:34

There is no need to hit a child.

123caughtaflea · 05/01/2013 21:34

My mother said something similar to my son at Christmas. I don't think she'll say it again - not if she wants to be allowed in my house ever again anyway.

deleted203 · 05/01/2013 21:41

If (aged 7) you had shouted abuse at your mother and hit the walls would your dad have smacked you as a child? Because mine sure as hell would have done. Which is why I didn't behave like that. If this is the case, surely you can see why DF says 'he needs a bloody good hiding'. Agree with Poppy that it's a generational thing. And to be honest, we didn't carry on like that, and we didn't get away with the appalling behaviour that some kids do nowadays. So perhaps it was a 'useful method of discipline'.

I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else how they should discipline their children, but smacking seems to be such an emotive area nowadays with everyone saying, 'OMG it is TOTALLY wrong and it only teaches children that violence is the answer to problems'. On the other hand I never witnessed any of my generation shouting 'Fuck off' to adults whilst at primary school. (Not saying your child does - but plenty do).

Original poster
mamasmissionimpossible · 05/01/2013 21:44

Sowornoit - what U said is almost exactly what my df said. I still don't agree I should smack him, but I shouldn't accept his bad behaviour.

OP posts:
pictish · 05/01/2013 21:49

Fair point sowornout.

It's not quite that simple I'm sure, but there is bound to be an element of truth in what you say.

If I had behaved like the OP's boy my mother would've given me the wooden spoon.

She was neither evil or a bully.

apostropheuse · 05/01/2013 21:52

You shouldn't smack him or let anyone else smack him. It's never necessary.
My brothers and I are all in our fifties, we were never smacked and strangely enough none of us are violent, all of us have "good" jobs and none of us have ever been in any kind of trouble, been arrested etc. You absolutely CAN parent without violence.

However, having said all of that, it does sound as though your son is beginning to get out of control and you're perhaps making excuses for his behaviour - e.g. the thing about him not eating and then acting up. You need to consistently discipline him and get it sorted before he gets much older or you may have a delinquent teen on your hands.

sarahtigh · 05/01/2013 21:55

there is no need to smack DS but when he is damaging other people's property it is important that he is disciplined and seen to be disciplined, he needed to apologize to his grandad as well as you

what form of discipline did you actually use?

otherwise it looks like you think it is OK for him to behave like that your DF was probably appalled at listening to your DS abusing you with nasty names and you not reacting, maybe he is just thinking if you do not nip that in the bud when he is 14 he will be ( physically) pushing you around

at 7 he is old enough not to damage property and scream if hungry

when DF said a " good hiding" what did he mean? a beating or a smack, did he just smack you occasionally or what?

BridgetJonesPants · 05/01/2013 21:58

My DF smacked me & DB's when we were little (all now in our 40's), and whilst it wasn't nice it don't think it dones us any harm, mentally or physically.

My DD is now 8, and whilst she can be very challenging as all DC can, I would never dream of smacking or hitting her. I just couldn't do it.

I think its mainly a generation thing, 40+ years ago, smacking was acceptable, just as teachers giving kids the belt was also acceptable. Thankfully we've moved on since then!

catgirl1976geesealaying · 05/01/2013 21:59

Only bullying, evil parents hit or smack their children

That's about 95% of parents from the 70s back "evil" then Hmm

quanticovirginia · 05/01/2013 22:06

I have two boys (now 12 and 8) and have never smacked either of them. I have used other punishments (different methods for different children) such as naughty step or withdrawl of treats.

It's not clear from your post what you actually did???? Waiting for him to 'calm down' and then telling him why his behaviour is 'unacceptable' seems very ineffectual. Does a 7 year old really need to have it explained to him why hitting walls and calling people names is wrong??? I can understand your father getting frustrated if there were no punishments or sanctions???

deleted203 · 05/01/2013 22:10

Ooooh. Golly. I was holding my breath there, actually thinking everyone was going to be screaming abuse at me and they didn't.

I would like to think we all have different parenting approaches and I really hate the idea that 'only bullying, evil parents smack their children'. I'm not saying that you or anyone else should smack your child - your discipline decisions are your own. But I do think that people who claim that a sharp swat on the backside is 'abuse' are as unreasonable as the ones who claim that people who never smack their children all have kids that are foul mouthed and feral.

Is it not possible for us to accept that there are many ways of bringing up children rather than one that is absolutely the ONLY way?

Startail · 05/01/2013 22:22

I do, smack, but at 7 with a child who's not used to it, it will cause resentment and confusion.

I'm old enough to find not smacking very disobedient, limit testing toddlers weird.

The knots people tie themselves in to avoid smacking amaze me.

Your DFather means no harm if not smacking seems to be making parenting insanely complicated to me, to my parents generation it is incomprehensible.

Modern children are to them loud, cheeky and very naughty.

Listening to the back chat the primary HT will take, I have to agree.

DearPrudence · 05/01/2013 22:26

No, he doesn't need a good hiding. Yes, it's possible to discipline without smacking.

I don't see any discipline being described in your OP, though.

jessjessjess · 05/01/2013 22:27

No to smacking but that doesn't mean no to discipline...

Original poster
mamasmissionimpossible · 05/01/2013 22:38

He did get disciplined as he missed out on his bedtime story. I will make him apologise for hitting the wall tomorrow to his grandfather. I will have to be more firm, I agree. However, I will not hit him no matter what.

My df is of an older generation where a'clip round the ear' was the norm. I'm often told 'never did me any harm'. We always appear to disagree on discipline methods.

I was smacked as a child, very rarely. I still don't agree with it and think it did harm me and the trust between me and my parents.

I'm surprised at some of these responses, as I thought mn was really anti smacking

OP posts:
whois · 05/01/2013 22:44

MN does seem to be very anti smacking, but that doesn't mean people can't accept that times and parenting techniques were different 20, 30 years ago. Which is when your DF obtained his ideas on acceptable discipline methods. He didn't actually hit your DS so chill out over his words.

Also people are generally pretty pro discipline, your DS loss of his bedtime story is a bit of a week punishment tbh.

deleted203 · 05/01/2013 22:48

I'm surprised, too, as I also though mn was rabidly anti-smacking. But I'm relieved, actually. Startail - how brave you are for the confession! I smack too, although I can't remember the last time I did so. (Most of DCs are now teens). However, DS2 (7) isn't too old for a quick clout should it ever be necessary. Can't remember smacking him since he was a toddler - but I reserve the right to do so - and I can't imagine how I could have ever 'reasoned' with a small child who was behaving very badly. I'm also old enough to think it doesn't do them any harm.

mama if you were smacked only rarely as a child, surely it was when your behaviour had really overstepped the bounds? Why do you think it stopped you trusting your parents? (I'm not criticising - just interested). My parents smacked me too - and it was always on occasions when I knew I'd deserved it and simply felt then (and now) that it served me right for behaving in a way that I knew would get me a whallop on the backside.

xkittyx · 05/01/2013 22:48

OP you and your son sound like Rosie and Hugo from "The Slap"

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2013 22:51

I agree it's a generational thing.

It must be quite frustrating for older generations to sit by and hear parents saying things like, "You're going on the naughty step when you get home" (maybe a couple of hours later) or "You'll miss your bedtime story tonight" when the bad behaviour is happening then and there.

If they used to nip it in the bud straight away with a swift smack on the back of the legs, (as my parents did) I can see why they find it frustrating.

That's not to say I advocate smacking now as times have changed, but it was certainly effective for me and my siblings when we were being little fuckers.